Older teen step children and weekend arrangements

[Nonose]

Just out of interest, when do older step children stop coming alternative weekends? My dd is 19 and is away at uni, eldest SS is 18 and will be going to uni in Sept and I can't see younger SS (nearly 16) wanting to keep coming alternative weekends. Do you think it just naturally ends? I can't imagine being 16/17/18 and having to go to my Dads every second weekend like I was 5? Is it wrong to think that way? Anyone with any exeriences? I'm finding weekends hard in all honesty just to the sheer laziness of teens and they spend all their time in their rooms and it hardly seems worth it.

My older ds decided he wanted to go live with dad when he was 16 so off he went and his never come back I see him as and when he is free (now 20) and doing an apprenticeship so has busy days and weekend work.

My ds2 is 16 and working weekends having just left school and hasn't gone to his dads in weeks. They speak on the phone etc but I leave his arrangements to him.

My dd who is 12 still goes EOW but that is starting to cause issues with her social life as she wants to do things with her friends and at the moment is missing out on them on dad's weekends. She is fairly good though and will say no I'm not coming I need to see my dad just wonder how long it will last.

I wish they would go EOW as a twosome as would relieve some of the mums taxi duties which actually seem to fall fully to me!

@FishyFriday I feel like you're talking about an extreme there. We all respect each others plans. It's not us dropping everything because they want to come over. We speak to DSDs directly and work things out that fit in with all of our plans.

I think it would be totally unreasonable to expect teen children to arrange a social life around a regular EOW that was arranged when they were very small children.

To be fair dp and his ex have always been flexible with each other with regards to contact with the children so it feel quite natural that this flexibility is also given to the children now that they are older.

[quote KylieKoKo]@FishyFriday I feel like you're talking about an extreme there. We all respect each others plans. It's not us dropping everything because they want to come over. We speak to DSDs directly and work things out that fit in with all of our plans.

I think it would be totally unreasonable to expect teen children to arrange a social life around a regular EOW that was arranged when they were very small children.

To be fair dp and his ex have always been flexible with each other with regards to contact with the children so it feel quite natural that this flexibility is also given to the children now that they are older.[/quote]
To be fair dp and his ex have always been flexible with each other with regards to contact with the children so it feel quite natural that this flexibility is also given to the children now that they are older

I agree and great that you and ex are negotiable on this . My H's ex thinks that Moses brought down the arrangements on blocks of stone - except when it suits her and she just fucked off.

[quote KylieKoKo]@FishyFriday I feel like you're talking about an extreme there. We all respect each others plans. It's not us dropping everything because they want to come over. We speak to DSDs directly and work things out that fit in with all of our plans.

I think it would be totally unreasonable to expect teen children to arrange a social life around a regular EOW that was arranged when they were very small children.

To be fair dp and his ex have always been flexible with each other with regards to contact with the children so it feel quite natural that this flexibility is also given to the children now that they are older.[/quote]
This board is full of extremes though.

Let's not pretend that a SM posting that she would like some structure to her life and not have plans dropped and cancelled every time the SC decide they want to come isn't told that she's dreadful and excluding the children and doesn't see them as family etc. It happens very regularly on here.

There's a difference between some flexibility - but where the kids learn that they don't always get what they want either - and the sort of teenage-despotism that many posters paint as 'normal family life' on this board.

Arguably it is easier for teenagers to organise their social lives against a backdrop of a regular contact schedule. You can have some flexibility, but a basic pattern is useful to everyone. My not quite teenage DS organises things with his friends knowing where he'll be at any particular point. I'm certain he chooses to have friends round at his dad's but to go to friends on weekends here - because he doesn't want to have his friends round when his step siblings are here (and I can't blame him really).

Arguably it is easier for teenagers to organise their social lives against a backdrop of a regular contact schedule

Remembering being a teen this doesn't ring true. My life was all drama and impromptu meet ups to discuss and resolve said drama

Let's not pretend that a SM posting that she would like some structure to her life and not have plans dropped and cancelled every time the SC decide they want to come isn't told that she's dreadful and excluding the children and doesn't see them as family etc. It happens very regularly on here.

I agree, I think it's about balance. We don't cancel our plans for SCs (unless of course it is an emergency when of course we would be there for them if they needed us) and we don't expect them to make plans around us. It's a mutual thing which is why it works.

Remembering being a teen this doesn't ring true. My life was all drama and impromptu meet ups to discuss and resolve said drama

Neither of my parents would have pandered to that kind of teenage drama.

They wouldn't have cared that Amy had said that Laura's new haircut was too poofy, or whatever.

I don't care either @FishyFriday but I do care about DSDs happiness and therefore don't put her in the position where she has to chose between her social life and seeing her dad. We plan with her so she can do both and we can have own lives too.

For us it just naturally faded out once we got to 16-18 ish. I started working weekends like lots of teens do. My Dad and SM were 40 minutes drive away so couldn't just pop in.

My relationship with my Dad did fade a bit at that age but then so did my relationship with my Mum who I lived with! I spent most of my time either at college, work or out with my friends (or in bed sleeping off a late night!).

Once I 'grew up' properly and got a 9-5 and my own house (early 20s) I got back to seeing my Dad and SM at weekends more but not because it was a custody arrangement because we'd ring and say 'do you want to come over for lunch?' or 'haven't seen you for a few weeks, want to come for the weekend?' and I'd go because I liked spending time with them.

I'm 37 now, I see my mum frequently because she lives in the same town and I see my Dad and SM probably once or twice a month. We don't tend to stay for weekends now because we have young children and it's a pain but we go to theirs or they come to us for a full day.

I'd have been pretty sad if my SM would have said 'right you're 18 now, no more visiting EOW' if I'd have wanted to though, but on the flip side I wouldn't have been upset if they'd have told me they were going away for a weekend and wouldn't see me for that week or whatever. Their house was like my second home, even though I never lived there. We all always got on very well though.

*Let's not pretend that a SM posting that she would like some structure to her life and not have plans dropped and cancelled every time the SC decide they want to come isn't told that she's dreadful and excluding the children and doesn't see them as family etc. It happens very regularly on here.

There's a difference between some flexibility - but where the kids learn that they don't always get what they want either - and the sort of teenage-despotism that many posters paint as 'normal family life' on this board.*

Totally agree with this. It isn't even just in the SP board but there is an incredibly strong school of thought in here that teen's social lives are something incredibly sacred that must be prioritised at all costs, no matter what the situation. I think it's really excessive. It won't kill them to hear "no" every once in a while, in fact it's pretty fundamental to their development and a pretty integral part of the normal "being part of the family life" that we should apparently be worrying about and prioritising at all times when it comes to our SC.

there is an incredibly strong school of thought in here that teen's social lives are something incredibly sacred that must be prioritised at all costs, no matter what the situation. I think it's really excessive. It won't kill them to hear "no" every once in a while, in fact it's pretty fundamental to their development and a pretty integral part of the normal "being part of the family life" that we should apparently be worrying about and prioritising at all times when it comes to our SC.

I don't think anything I have said implies this. If we have specific plans to do something together then the answer is no, they have to come. We just don't hold them to a specific schedule. This works better for us too as we also have our own life and things we want to go to which don't fall neatly into a schedule. Their mum also has a life and this flexibility means that she can have a night / weekend away when she wants to rather than only on specific dates.

I don't think anything I have said implies this. If we have specific plans to do something together then the answer is no, they have to come. We just don't hold them to a specific schedule. This works better for us too as we also have our own life and things we want to go to which don't fall neatly into a schedule. Their mum also has a life and this flexibility means that she can have a night / weekend away when she wants to rather than only on specific dates

No, nothing you've said! I was just agreeing with Fishy about general attitudes on here.

My parents didn’t have any formal arrangements, we lived with our mother. But I was always closer to my dad and so I visited him pretty regularly. It was a long trip - 3 ish hours each way. I guess I went up once a month? This was from age 16. He and my step mother had a baby which was a big draw card for me. I visited as I wished into adulthood and in my mid twenties they moved closer which made visits less of a big deal.

I can’t imagine forcing a kid that age to visit though. I didn’t have much of a social life, my weekends were with younger siblings.

I split my time between my mum and dad’s houses whenever I came home from university until I moved out properly after graduation.

We didn’t have a strict arrangement though. Once I started 6th form I just moved between the two homes as and when I wanted.