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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New baby - 10 year old step kids

68 replies

tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 00:06

I'm expecting a baby boy in 2 weeks!

My partner has twins from ex marriage they divorced around 10 years when the twins they were one years old (rough I know). Went through a very bad divorce end of relationship.

Has a complete neutral relationship with ex wife. When he told the ex wife about new baby she said they won't make a fuss because they don't really have attachment with you..... which for me was a very cold comment.

He sees his kids once/twice a month during covid times. They have bad asthma and the mother wasn't comfortable with him seeing them too much as his job is working in operations. Pre covid he would see them inbetween his schedules as he works offshore oil and gas so would be 3 months at sea.

Anyway rewind a few months ago told them about baby they seemed happy this was around December time. Ever since they have shower no interest and said 0 about baby. Called them tonight and mentioned baby is almost here and they said nothing.

I have no experience in this as he is my first partner in with kids.

I can see it would be tough for them seeing there dad live out the life they wanted! I can only imagine what thoughts are going through there heads..... must be difficult.

My partner is very sad anyone have any experience or tips on how we/I can help to make this new life transition smooth.

My partner doesn't reckon his ex wife would be saying bad stuff... my partner sends them around £2,5k a month in childcare..... which is a crazy amount but where we live the courts ruled % of yearly wage.... he pays for private school as well but I don't think they truly know this.

I did tell him though kids don't think about things they just want a dad to be there.

Ahhhhhh help me Mumsnet ♥️

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 01/06/2021 09:47

OP I have a ten year old and recently had a baby. DD wasn't the slightest bit interested in my pregnancy but loves her now she's here but if your step kids don't your partner needs to work on this with them and be extra reassuring. They'll get there but they're a funny age- it's likely they're just not really interested in babies

kiddo5467 · 01/06/2021 11:38

Even before Covid, it doesn't sound like he's been involved much in their lives....other than financial support which they will be too young to appreciate.

I don't think any of this is to do with you or your new baby. They're Dad has prioritised earning money above being actively involved in their lives (IMO working offshore is a lifestyle choice - one my exH has made previously but changed careers after DS was born as that was more important to him than earning the big money). Sounds like he thinks sending their mum money and paying for private school justifies him not being around much the last 10 years.
Not saying he's not done a great job in providing financially but to most kids you can't put a price on them not having a close relationship with their dad.

As they rarely see their dad, they're likely to see this baby even less so why would they be excited? They're probably actually jealous too (understandably) at him spending more time with the baby than he ever has with them.

TotorosCatBus · 01/06/2021 15:00

Many men will look after their pregnant wives but won't get properly excited until baby arrives because before that they are caring for baby indirectly by caring for mum or buying and building furniture. Hopefully the kids will be more interested when baby is "real" for them

Bibidy · 01/06/2021 15:16

@tillyilybe

We are hoping to add another child to the family over the next year or so and tbh I'd be pretty happy with indifference from my SCs before the birth! . My nightmare is them being really upset and hating the idea, so I think your SCs have actually reacted in quite a positive manner not to let it unsettle them.

I think lots of kids find it hard to visualise a new baby before it arrives even in the best of circumstances, so things may change when they actually meet their new sibling . Or it may be that they just won't be bothered until she/he is a bit more 'fun'.

Potteringshed · 01/06/2021 15:38

I think the reality is that even without a divorce, siblings with a huge age gap often aren't close. My oldest brother is ten years older than me and honestly, I don't think we have much of a relationship. He's a lovely guy, but a teenager has no interest in a toddler. He left home when I was in primary school and we've never been in the same place for more than a couple of days at a time since.

I think parents who expect kids with these big age gaps between them to be close are being a bit unrealistic.

Guavafish · 02/06/2021 00:23

Hello don’t worry!

11 years old will not be too excited! They maybe worry they will be side lined.

A nice idea would be to give them little gifts from their baby sibling. They can sometimes ease anxiety they may be hiding.

They will create a bond with their sibling with time and things will get better. But as teens they may not be interested in playing with a baby

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2021 09:22

@Guavafish

Hello don’t worry!

11 years old will not be too excited! They maybe worry they will be side lined.

A nice idea would be to give them little gifts from their baby sibling. They can sometimes ease anxiety they may be hiding.

They will create a bond with their sibling with time and things will get better. But as teens they may not be interested in playing with a baby

I have to admit I find that trend a bit annoying even with younger kids, but surely an 11 year old is too old to buy that their newborn sibling has bought them a present?

Bibidy · 02/06/2021 10:22

I have to admit I find that trend a bit annoying even with younger kids, but surely an 11 year old is too old to buy that their newborn sibling has bought them a present?

I often wonder about this...does any child really buy this?!

Wondered if it's more just a positive association thing and showing the older kids that it's still about them as well.

Coronawireless · 02/06/2021 10:51

Hi OP, I think you’ve had some harsh responses. It’s nice that you care about the reaction of the SCs. So many mumsnet SMs try to push the SCs away!
There is a big age gap and they haven’t seen much of their dad. The baby isn’t even born yet. Rather than force them to interact with the baby, try to encourage a better input from their dad which may lead on to them taking more interest in the baby.
Any relationship between them will be a long term game and will only develop with sustained input from you/the dad.
Babysitting when they’re teens for cash? Being godparents? Asking them to mentor your child in some way eg teaching a sport or music so there can be that common interest between them? Always being sure to generously remember their birthdays - also other milestones eg exams, starting secondary school etc and get your own child to take an interest in what the SCs are up to.
Include everyone in family celebrations whether it’s your own child or one of the SCs so that everyone is brought together to celebrate each other’s achievements. Build good memories for their times together. ie don’t just expect the SCs to take an interest in your baby while getting nothing in return!
Handled right, they could be close as adults. Good luck!

CornishGem1975 · 02/06/2021 12:41

I'm going to skip past all the comments because...this is Mumsnet.

My SC weren't particularly interested when I was pregnant, didn't show any excitement for the baby etc but were totally besotted when it arrived and 18 months later, they still never leave him alone now! I think it's hard for most children to connect with a bump.

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2021 12:46

@Bibidy

I have to admit I find that trend a bit annoying even with younger kids, but surely an 11 year old is too old to buy that their newborn sibling has bought them a present?

I often wonder about this...does any child really buy this?!

Wondered if it's more just a positive association thing and showing the older kids that it's still about them as well.

Yeah I think it's this too, though personally I think a lot of parents take proving it's all about the older child a bit too far, but then I'm coming at it from the point of view of a younger sibling!

Either way, I wouldn't expect to do this with an 11 year old.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2021 12:53

A nice idea would be to give them little gifts from their baby sibling. They can sometimes ease anxiety they may be hiding

I don’t think a gift is the solution. The child barely sees their dad and is old enough to understand that a new baby will mean even less time as what little contact they have will have a new baby there in reality.

Plus no ten year old will actually believe the gifts came from the baby.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/06/2021 13:00

A gift from the baby is fine for a toddler but not an 11 year old. They won’t buy that, they’ll know you bought it.

DinoHat · 02/06/2021 14:01

OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy and yes you will soon regret posting on MN. Posters will skirt around whatever your question was and focus on discrediting you and DH (it’s ok to target pregnant step mums on here).

I understand why you’re feeling a bit put out, I think babies are quite abstract to children and they know it will affect them but don’t really know how. It’s not unusual for siblings to feel at unease about a new baby, whether half or full siblings.

We have the opposite in our house, I’m pregnant with my second and have a DSS. He loves them as babies but hates my DS now he’s a toddler and is demanding more attention. He’s the same with his maternal half sibling.

Some kids won’t be interested in babies at all. You’re doing the right thing trying to include them. Just have zero expectations surrounding their involvement and you’ll be fine.

DinoHat · 02/06/2021 14:03

one my exH has made previously but changed careers after DS was born as that was more important to him than earning the big money

Said no seperated mother, ever. Especially on MN.

DinoHat · 02/06/2021 14:10

I’m not sure about the gift idea... when DS was born we did that, it was to provide a distraction for DSS rather than the baby but he wasn’t quite as old as your SC. DH made a big effort to pick him up from school each day, see the baby briefly but also go to the park, eat together etc. So it was a positive time for DSS too and our life wasn’t just revolving around the baby. This is easier when it’s a dad than for a RP Mum I guess.

I haven’t even considered buying my own son a gift from the baby, but have asked grandparents and DH etc to carve out some more time for him so he doesn’t feel too pushed out - though it’s inevitable he will. But as I said it’s a slightly different dynamic as baby will take most of my attention away from him, whereas that was never an issue when DSS first welcomed a new sibling.

kiddo5467 · 02/06/2021 14:49

@DinoHat

one my exH has made previously but changed careers after DS was born as that was more important to him than earning the big money

Said no seperated mother, ever. Especially on MN.

I'm confused what you mean by this? My exH changed careers when our DS was born as he realised if he didn't he would barely see him. We then separated and have a one third vs 2/3rds contact agreement.

As much as we're not together anymore I'd still say he put our DS first when making this decision as he prioritises time with his DS over earning big money.

Don't get me wrong id get a lot more maintenance if he earned more combined with less contact time with DS but I'd also prioritise my DS having a good bond with his dad than more money?!

GettingItOutThere · 03/06/2021 11:48

honestly, they are kids who dont live with you and really a baby (no offence) is not interesting at all!

long as they are kind to you, and your child you are doing well.

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