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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby - 10 year old step kids

68 replies

tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 00:06

I'm expecting a baby boy in 2 weeks!

My partner has twins from ex marriage they divorced around 10 years when the twins they were one years old (rough I know). Went through a very bad divorce end of relationship.

Has a complete neutral relationship with ex wife. When he told the ex wife about new baby she said they won't make a fuss because they don't really have attachment with you..... which for me was a very cold comment.

He sees his kids once/twice a month during covid times. They have bad asthma and the mother wasn't comfortable with him seeing them too much as his job is working in operations. Pre covid he would see them inbetween his schedules as he works offshore oil and gas so would be 3 months at sea.

Anyway rewind a few months ago told them about baby they seemed happy this was around December time. Ever since they have shower no interest and said 0 about baby. Called them tonight and mentioned baby is almost here and they said nothing.

I have no experience in this as he is my first partner in with kids.

I can see it would be tough for them seeing there dad live out the life they wanted! I can only imagine what thoughts are going through there heads..... must be difficult.

My partner is very sad anyone have any experience or tips on how we/I can help to make this new life transition smooth.

My partner doesn't reckon his ex wife would be saying bad stuff... my partner sends them around £2,5k a month in childcare..... which is a crazy amount but where we live the courts ruled % of yearly wage.... he pays for private school as well but I don't think they truly know this.

I did tell him though kids don't think about things they just want a dad to be there.

Ahhhhhh help me Mumsnet ♥️

OP posts:
Castlepeak · 31/05/2021 04:47

It’s the parents job to build the sibling relationship. They may eventually come to live the new baby, but your partner is going to have to put the work in to facilitate that relationship. Frankly, neutral is actually pretty good. It’s not uncommon for kids who have limited contacted with their fathers to be resentful of new children.

MoesBar · 31/05/2021 05:41

Mine and ex’s DDs are 12 and 10. They’d love a new baby. Keep asking me Hmm Nope.

However, my DC hardly see their Dad due to his bloody job, so I’m not sure if they’d react positively to a new baby on his side, as they’d hardly see the baby. But I would encourage them to bond.

For what it’s worth OP, I have a sibling 10 years younger than me, half sister, on my Mums side, and I have little to no relationship with them as the age gap is huge and we don’t have anything in common.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 05:49

Any relationship between them will develop naturally, try not to force it or worry about it. If they visit don't ask them to help, as they might resent this. Don't leave them alone until you are comfortable with the relationship. If they are neutral towards the baby that is better than being hostile. Make sure someone, either you or your partner tells them it is ok to be unsure how to feel and just have it out in the open that they might feel weird about it.

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 05:56

Pre covid he would see them inbetween his schedules as he works offshore oil and gas so would be 3 months at sea

There are lots of families where one partner works away for long periods of time, the army for example. They do face seperate challenges but it can working, I think he needs to push to get the contact back when he is at home. And maybe learn to accept his relationship with all his children is going to be different to that of a parent who isn't posted away from home.

stayathomer · 31/05/2021 06:07

Some kids get so excited about babies, none of mine did!! I always think it's lovely when kids say 'I'm so excited I've a little brother or sister' etc. Saying that on the other hand everyone just folded into the mix. It might just not affect them either way but it doesn't mean they won't love them, best of luck OP and congratulations in advance!

GeorgeandHarold66 · 31/05/2021 06:16

They'll perhaps be more excited when they actually meet the baby and it becomes a reality. The mum was right, if they have barely any relationship with their dad then presumably they similarly lack a relationship with you. So at the moment, two people they hardly know are having a baby which will be underwhelming. Maybe take your disappointment and turn this into something positive, see if you can begin to make you all into some sort of a family. Good luck with your baby op Smile

Flittingaboutagain · 31/05/2021 07:07

Hi OP

I have a sibling that has a different parent to me but we also share a parent. I couldn't have cared less when they arrived due to large age gap. That's all changed now we're both adults. Sounds like nothing needs to be done here, just Dad continuing to attune to how the children are feeling.

JennieLee · 31/05/2021 07:12

My 10 and 8 year old stepchildren were delighted to have a baby sibling. The delight only started when the baby was born.

DancesWithTortoises · 31/05/2021 07:23

Ignore the vipers, OP. Some cannot wait to have a go at stepmothers.

Small lives and get off on making others feel bad.

JennieLee · 31/05/2021 07:26

Quite.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2021 10:05

I don't think you need to worry too much tbh, they're not exhibiting any negative response, which is the main worry. Over time, they may grow closer to the new sibling, especially when they are through the spoilt teenager phase (which will coincide with the baby being an older child with a personality, rather than just a baby.) But either way, I wouldn't waste too much of your own energy worrying about it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/05/2021 10:25

It’s a huge age gap and even if they were full siblings they would have nothing in common.

Add in, that at 10, they are old enough to understand that he has chosen to have a second family knowing he has little contact with them.

Him paying child support doesn’t make up for everything else going on, it’s a parenting basic to provide for children.

ElderMillennial · 31/05/2021 10:28

I haven't RTFT but my first thought was the same as some PPs - what do you want them to say? How much interest do you want them to show?

They might not be interested in the new baby and it would probably be an idea not to keep going on about it.

I say this as a step parent with two older SDCs and due to have a baby in a few weeks.

BurningBenches · 31/05/2021 10:44

I have two perspectives here.

Firstly my eldest has some half siblings from her dad's side. The age gaps are huge so she wasn't massively excited about them. She barely saw them and didn't do overnights at her dad's ever (his choice due to a combo of not having his own place, followed by getting his own place but only big enough for his children that lived with him) she does love them though, especially as she's older.

Other perspective, I have a further 3 younger children with DH and am expecting in a few weeks. My eldest (now adult) is super excited. The 10 & 11 yo are not even slightly interested. Youngest is too little to realize. They were the same.with him but loved him when he arrived.

So all the other stuff aside, I don't think it's out of the ordinary that they're not interested in a younger sibling at that age.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2021 11:52

Could have, would have, should have . . . not 'of'.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2021 11:53

Why are you posting here and not your partner? He wants things to work and his children to play happy families for his benefit, why isn't he the one determining how to do this instead of leaving it to you?

Shouldbedoing · 31/05/2021 12:06

Could have, would have, should have . . . not 'of'.

Lol. Typical Mumsnet. I was sitting on my hands....

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 12:10

I can understand the kids.
I don’t think 11 year old me would be too happy if my practically absent father would have a new baby with his partner. Sorry OP.

I think you need to accept reality as it is and not expect too much of the kids. Be kind and accommodating to them when they’re there, let them know they’re welcome to meet their new half sibling but don’t get up your hopes too high.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/05/2021 12:38

I don't think it's cold of the mum to say they don't really have an attachment - he barely sees them. Not sure what else you would expect with so little input Confused

JennieLee · 31/05/2021 13:33

I suppose what is meant is that your partner's ex doesn't think the older children will be jealous in the way that some children might be when a new baby arrives for a mother and father who are living together. On an immediate level their life with their Mum, school, friendships etc will go much as it always did.

I suppose one question is how much your partner hopes that his older two children will, over time, come to have a bond with this new person, who is part of their larger family and with whom they have a biological relationship.

Have the two of you talked about this? Are there things you can do that may help their relationship to grow over time? I think the relationships between siblings is one that can change very much over time. Babies are cute but not that interesting other than to their parents. A sibling who - later on - can be played with and talked to is another matter.

Carbara · 31/05/2021 14:01

OPs being so rude to people who’ve bothered to reply to her thread.
Does she just want replies like ‘aww hun x’ ?

Aww bubbas hun x

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2021 14:07

@DancesWithTortoises

Ignore the vipers, OP. Some cannot wait to have a go at stepmothers.

Small lives and get off on making others feel bad.

Who’s having a go at stepmothers? Everyone is however having a go at fathers that delude themselves they’ve had no choices and are victims who’d love to see their children more it’s too ha-a-ard
Carbara · 31/05/2021 14:49

@DancesWithTortoises

Ignore the vipers, OP. Some cannot wait to have a go at stepmothers.

Small lives and get off on making others feel bad.

No one is ‘having a go’, if so, the comments would have been deleted. Not liking the truth isn’t a reason to gob off at posters. Also, she’s not a step mother, she’s a girlfriend to a bloke who’s an absent parent.
Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 15:03

Thank you for the all the comments.

Great to hear insight from people living in this reality!

My take from this:

No expectations / take things slow / big age gap teens have different interests / don't force things.

Partner will receive vaccine shortly and I'm sure he will push to see them much more he has been waiting for the mum to allow them to do an over nights since March last year.

Also as someone mentioned many people have partners who work away from home for long periods of times....

I'm just posting here to see if I can get any tips and perhaps give him support and insight which I definitely will.

He doesn't even know Mumsnet exists and I'm unsure whether he would post on a forum. He's not very techy

Again thanks for the insights!

OP posts:
Footloosefancyfree · 01/06/2021 09:43

I'd be abit worried myself the fact he left his first dc mom with twins aged 1 years old. Having dc is a game changer to a relationship, I hope your prepared for that. I also not sure what you want from them jumping for Joy he barely sees them and they dont have memories of family get together with their parents where bonds are made.