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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

New baby - 10 year old step kids

68 replies

tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 00:06

I'm expecting a baby boy in 2 weeks!

My partner has twins from ex marriage they divorced around 10 years when the twins they were one years old (rough I know). Went through a very bad divorce end of relationship.

Has a complete neutral relationship with ex wife. When he told the ex wife about new baby she said they won't make a fuss because they don't really have attachment with you..... which for me was a very cold comment.

He sees his kids once/twice a month during covid times. They have bad asthma and the mother wasn't comfortable with him seeing them too much as his job is working in operations. Pre covid he would see them inbetween his schedules as he works offshore oil and gas so would be 3 months at sea.

Anyway rewind a few months ago told them about baby they seemed happy this was around December time. Ever since they have shower no interest and said 0 about baby. Called them tonight and mentioned baby is almost here and they said nothing.

I have no experience in this as he is my first partner in with kids.

I can see it would be tough for them seeing there dad live out the life they wanted! I can only imagine what thoughts are going through there heads..... must be difficult.

My partner is very sad anyone have any experience or tips on how we/I can help to make this new life transition smooth.

My partner doesn't reckon his ex wife would be saying bad stuff... my partner sends them around £2,5k a month in childcare..... which is a crazy amount but where we live the courts ruled % of yearly wage.... he pays for private school as well but I don't think they truly know this.

I did tell him though kids don't think about things they just want a dad to be there.

Ahhhhhh help me Mumsnet ♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 00:08

It's late sorry bad punctuation and grammar! Can't sleep :(

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 00:09

What do you want them to say?

Anoisagusaris · 31/05/2021 00:23

You sound like you don’t agree with his children getting a percentage of his wage? Which, to use a great MN phrase, is a bit of a red flag about you.

Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 00:32

Christ!

I'm not bothered about the percentage it was something that he mentioned.

Secondly it's not about what I want them to say it's how to make the situation better.......

Why are people so quick to jump down posters throats 😢

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 31/05/2021 00:39

Make the situation better for who? You say the children have shown no interest and said nothing about the baby- but are they actually upset or are they just 11 years old and not that interested in babies? Who is struggling with the situation?

starrynight21 · 31/05/2021 00:40

You mention kids don't think about things they just want a dad to be there.

Well yes, that is correct. Kids do want their Dad to be there, but in your partner's case he hasn't been there for them very much at all. I realise that his job is a barrier, and I guess there isn't much he can do about that . But from the kid's point of view he is practically an absent father. So their mother is probably right in her assertion that they are not very attached to him - how could they be when they hardly ever see him ?

I think you and he have to accept that the twins just aren't particularly excited about the arrival of another child in the family. And maybe they won't be interested, going forward . The age gap is very large too - by the time your child is a toddler they'll be teenagers .

Unless he makes a bigger effort in the future, I think that both of you will have to accept the situation as it is.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/05/2021 00:43

You said yourself it's a crazy amount.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 31/05/2021 00:53

Your partner can help his kids by actually being present. He can put them first by working locally and having them every other weekend and a night in the week, which is the bare minimum amount of time and effort a non resident parent should be putting into their children. He’s offshore for 3 months at a time which basically makes him a stranger to his own children, but you’re confused about why they’re not ecstatic about him banging out another one.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2021 00:56

He's sad his kids he hardly sees aren't jumping for tree he's procreated yet again and you're the one on here trying to find a way to assuage his ickle feelings? He needs to grow up.

What starrynight says.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 31/05/2021 00:57

@starrynight21

You mention kids don't think about things they just want a dad to be there.

Well yes, that is correct. Kids do want their Dad to be there, but in your partner's case he hasn't been there for them very much at all. I realise that his job is a barrier, and I guess there isn't much he can do about that . But from the kid's point of view he is practically an absent father. So their mother is probably right in her assertion that they are not very attached to him - how could they be when they hardly ever see him ?

I think you and he have to accept that the twins just aren't particularly excited about the arrival of another child in the family. And maybe they won't be interested, going forward . The age gap is very large too - by the time your child is a toddler they'll be teenagers .

Unless he makes a bigger effort in the future, I think that both of you will have to accept the situation as it is.

He can very much do something about that, he can change jobs. Why is this always acceptable for men and not women? Can you imagine a mum posting on here that she’s only going to bother seeing her kids once a month or so because she wants to work away? She’d get torn apart!
osbertthesyrianhamster · 31/05/2021 00:57

jumping for joy, sorry.

These men are a dime a dozen! Always take up with some woman with no kids who doesn't have her eyes open to how common they are.

TotorosCatBus · 31/05/2021 01:02

Your question is very unclear.

Does your partner want the kids to be jealous of the baby so he can prove his ex wrong ? He sees his children shockingly little because of his job so the attachment between the children and Dad/baby was always going to be limited

11 year olds aren't always excited by a new baby in the same way as younger kids. They know how babies are made Blush and they might only know the negatives of babies like crying and dirty nappies. Soon they'll only be seeing this sibling once every 3 months so it's not nearly the same as if they were seeing him weekly and seeing your bump and the nursery take shape.

giggly · 31/05/2021 01:02

What exactly is the problem here? Are they not excited about your new baby?

Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 01:43

Seriously regret posting

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 02:02

@tillyilybe

Seriously regret posting
Rather than regretting it, could you let it help you acknowledge a different point of view to the one you held when you posted and treat it as a tough but helpful learning rather than something inherently negative?
Tiredoftattler · 31/05/2021 02:19

OP, from the kids point of view , there is little to be excited about a sibling that you are rarely going to see fathered by the dad that you rarely see.

Have you given any thought to the fact that your child will have siblings that he rarely sees farthered by a dad who is often gone?

This situation requires more of a solution than excitement on the part of 11 year olds.

Your step children probably appreciate your husband's financial contribution to their lives but given a choice most 11 year olds would prefer an active father to an absentee parent

You cannot fix his relationship with his children, and you are likely going to feel like a single parent for a good bit of the time.

Whatever if any relationship between the twins and your child will probably be one that evolves in their adult years. For what it is worth, they probably do not see their father living the life that they would like to have . They probably do not know him well enough to have much of an opinion about his life in any respect.

Things will only change when he puts as much effort into his relationship with his children as he puts into his job.

Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 02:21

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm not debating that

It's been insightful to read some of the comments.

I wish I had could of edited my original post so it made a bit more sense.

I'm neutral in this situation. Just wanted some experiences or tips not to be hounded with rude and accusatory comments

But classic mums net should of known

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 02:25

[quote tillyilybe]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm not debating that

It's been insightful to read some of the comments.

I wish I had could of edited my original post so it made a bit more sense.

I'm neutral in this situation. Just wanted some experiences or tips not to be hounded with rude and accusatory comments

But classic mums net should of known
[/quote]
Thats very dismissive though. Wouldn't it be worth thinking that rather than this being 'typical Mumsnet', most people would think that it was a bit silly to think ten year old kids from a previous relationship would ask after / be especially excited about a new baby that is going to live with their dad while they don't?

Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 02:25

@Tiredoftattler

OP, from the kids point of view , there is little to be excited about a sibling that you are rarely going to see fathered by the dad that you rarely see.

Have you given any thought to the fact that your child will have siblings that he rarely sees farthered by a dad who is often gone?

This situation requires more of a solution than excitement on the part of 11 year olds.

Your step children probably appreciate your husband's financial contribution to their lives but given a choice most 11 year olds would prefer an active father to an absentee parent

You cannot fix his relationship with his children, and you are likely going to feel like a single parent for a good bit of the time.

Whatever if any relationship between the twins and your child will probably be one that evolves in their adult years. For what it is worth, they probably do not see their father living the life that they would like to have . They probably do not know him well enough to have much of an opinion about his life in any respect.

Things will only change when he puts as much effort into his relationship with his children as he puts into his job.

Best comment so far.

Thanks I do agree with your points.

Secondly he is no longer offshore and hasn't been since FEB 2020 and won't be anymore.

Therefore has and will be around.... and tried to see his kids as much as possible in mitigating circumstances.... he is still working completely capable to see them but as pre mentioned ex wife scared of his kids getting covid so limited visitation distanced and has been that way ever since

Thanks for your comment

OP posts:
Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 02:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I must be silly then

First experience with this hence why I consulted Mumsnet

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 02:28

[quote tillyilybe]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I must be silly then

First experience with this hence why I consulted Mumsnet

[/quote]
Everyone is silly about some stuff, especially something they haven't encountered or had to deal with before. I know I am, for sure! Hopefully now you can see from your partner's kids' point of view that there isn't anything for them to be particularly excited about? In fact it's pretty good they've taken it in their stride!

Original poster
tillyilybe · 31/05/2021 02:52

Tbh

You're right! @youvegottenminuteslynn

Why would they be that interested? There about to enter teenager land a young baby isn't exactly thrilling.

Someone else mentioned about the age gap and yep! Maybe later in life.

My partner naively expected happy families.

They are lovely kids.

They could of been a lot of worse.

OP posts:
LittleRa · 31/05/2021 03:22

You say it “must be tough for them seeing their dad live out the life they wanted”. What life? How do you know they wanted a particular life and are pining for it? Or do you just mean they’d like to have their two parents together?

Anyway, they sound fine and normal. Ten year old boys generally aren’t that interested in a pregnancy. Maybe they’ll show a little more interest once baby is born and is cute etc but even then it probably isn’t high on their agenda. Unfortunately I don’t think your partner can expect “happy families” if he sees them twice a month. Maybe more of a cousin type relationship than a sibling one.

Mintjulia · 31/05/2021 03:31

Op, I split from my ex when our ds was 2. Ds no longer remembers living with his dad. Ds has seen his dad every week since (except 1st lockdown) and is now 12 years old.

Ds has a half sister who recently had a baby, which ds describes as smelly & noisy, and isn't very keen on. They aren't playmates, the age gap is too big.
He is also completely uninterested in his dad's life. As an almost-teen he is focussed on school & sport and his friends. And Minecraft. He doesn't think about money or "the life they could have had". He doesn't think about his dad at all as far as I can tell, until ex arrives each Sunday. It's all too abstract. Children live in the present and their immediate environment.

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2021 03:41

My partner naively expected happy families.
Extremely unbelievably naive. He’s barely seen them, he certainly didn’t change jobs to see them more, if anything and they do want his affection they will see that he has a proper life with his new baby instead of being the absent dad they had. Does he plan to up the parenting of his current children to a normal level? If so he would be actively pushing that now given he will probably be vaccinated pretty soon?