SAHM step mother

[FaceItDave]

I'm a SAHM currently to DC with DH.

I also have DSC.

The summer holidays are fast approaching and I just can't do it. My 8 year old DSC is such hard work I just can't deal with them all summer holidays. Last year was horrible, they were with me a lot during lockdown.

The age gap between DSC and DC is large (DC baby) so I don't think there would be any jealousy that DC were with me at home and they were at clubs etc... AIBU to suggest this?

I know I'm at home so it makes sense but I know it will make me utterly resentful.

Really, this is why I'm amazed that women have children with men who already have kids. The shit they're expected to put up with. No way would I want to care for someone else's badly-behaved child for six weeks. A man in this position would never be expected to do this.

It's silly expecting the OP, who only has a young baby, to look after a much older child as well if clubs are an option. She's naturally going to prioritise the baby's needs and it will make for a very boring summer for the older DC. I imagine they will spend most of their time being stuck in front of screens or dragged out to boring activities suitable for the baby.

@vivainsomnia

How on Earth is one parent doing all of the childcare for a joint child NOT providing their partner, the dad, a service, yet the dad going to work is? Why this common assumption that the sahm does ALL the childcare? Most father I know are very involved too, because they don’t consider looking after their child as work and look forward to get involved looking after their baby. Many would ideally choose to work PT and be more involved.

You seem to make many assumptions about the dynamics of this family. As per my first post, we can’t comment because we don’t know. Maybe he can’t wait to go to work and come back as late as possible and he does indeed expect OP to do everything relating to kids and home.

But it’s as feasible that he would love to spend more time with his children and share the financial burden with OP.

I'm not assuming she is the only one that ever looks after the child, but she is the only one doing so during the working day, the time when some believe she is just spongeing off her husband. Surely that's obvious? I'm not making assumptions about OPs situation, I'm talking in general terms about an argument made by a couple of other posters.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
I am sorry but I don't agree that a SAHM parent is providing all of the childcare. What he or she is providing is care and availability during the hours that the other parent is working. The SAHM is not providing the only care and nurturing that is taking place.

I recognize that many people may earn wages that make paying for childcare difficult and that can be and is a significant economic issue.
However, I do not think that they are overburdened. Inherent in the decision to have a child is the obligation to support that child.

Women know both the real earning and their earning potential when they choose to have a child. I say women not because I excuse men from their responsibility and obligations; however, even though it takes a man and a woman to create a pregnancy, the decision to bring that pregnancy to term lies solely with the woman.
It would be great if governments created economic conditions and laws that insured all working people adequate living wage, but such is not the world in which we live.

We all have the responsibility to make choices that are sustainable within our individual circumstances.[/quote]
What is the relevance of the fact that the other parent also cares for their children in the evening? We are talking about the working day.

I'm really not sure what you're going on about in the rest of this comment, it's just the usual vague guff about personal responsibility. You say you don't absolve the men of responsibility for their children but the fact that you don't recognise his wife looking after their shared kid all day so that he neither has to pay for childcare or look after them himself as an equal or even worthwhile contribution strongly suggests otherwise.

The ONLY defence for your extremely misogynistic attitude here is that you are simply acclimatised to a life where childcare costs would never come close to the same price as the SAHPs potential wages. And that's just a clear example of the privileged outlook another poster mentioned, because this is reality for a lot of people.

In fairness when people talk about the ex refusing to work, they are usually talking about one with school aged children who is not out of work to save on childcare costs

Nah. School aged children still need childcare. Special needs and medical conditions don’t disappear because you’re 5.

What you’re saying there is part time work is ok. Except I would inject again and say if the OP were a first wife, nothing less than full time would suffice. Only then there’d be shite about her being too focused on her career/leaving the poor child in childcare/expecting her ex to drop off once a year/ earning well and therefore being a greedy bitch who doesn’t need maintenance....

Thanks for replies!

Clubs aren't a financial issue. He could definitely afford them.

He runs a company and so works long hours and earns well. It was agreed between us at the time that I would stay at home for now and take care of baby as neither of us wanted them in nursery. There was absolutely no discussion at the time that this would include holiday care for DSC as well. It's not something I agreed to and then later changed my mind.

Being a SAHM is definitely not something I just decided to do and he had to agree. It was talked about and he was happy for that to be the case, in fact I had more reservations about it at first than he did.

DSCs mum does work yes. They stay with us half the week, often more. However during lockdown last year I feel I got lumbered with childcare a lot because I was at home anyway so why not. I get the feeling this will be expected to continue now during things like the Summer.

Neither wanted in nursery *for now that should have said. I don't plan to be a SAHM for years, just for a short while really.

How much holiday is he planning to take for his three children?

@FaceItDave

Thanks for replies!

Clubs aren't a financial issue. He could definitely afford them.

He runs a company and so works long hours and earns well. It was agreed between us at the time that I would stay at home for now and take care of baby as neither of us wanted them in nursery. There was absolutely no discussion at the time that this would include holiday care for DSC as well. It's not something I agreed to and then later changed my mind.

Being a SAHM is definitely not something I just decided to do and he had to agree. It was talked about and he was happy for that to be the case, in fact I had more reservations about it at first than he did.

DSCs mum does work yes. They stay with us half the week, often more. However during lockdown last year I feel I got lumbered with childcare a lot because I was at home anyway so why not. I get the feeling this will be expected to continue now during things like the Summer.

Absolutely he should be arranging childcare for the older children then, if he hasn't taken AL to be at home with them. They'll have a great time! I was a SAHM until my children were 11 and 16 and particularly my youngest used to be envious of his friends who went to the local holiday club - it sounded like great fun. In the end we put him in there a few times over the holiday, esp as his brother got older and didn't want to spend days with us. Children like being with their own age group.

@EnoughnowIthink

In fairness when people talk about the ex refusing to work, they are usually talking about one with school aged children who is not out of work to save on childcare costs

Nah. School aged children still need childcare. Special needs and medical conditions don’t disappear because you’re 5.

What you’re saying there is part time work is ok. Except I would inject again and say if the OP were a first wife, nothing less than full time would suffice. Only then there’d be shite about her being too focused on her career/leaving the poor child in childcare/expecting her ex to drop off once a year/ earning well and therefore being a greedy bitch who doesn’t need maintenance....

Well I can't speak for others but I certainly wouldn't judge a mum for any of those things.

@EnoughnowIthink I’ve worked fulltime since all my children were 8-9 months old.
I don’t believe anyone (to my face) has called me a greedy bitch for providing for myself and my children. Who else should provide for us? Pay for our holidays? My gym membership? My exh?

Sorry but f*ck that, I would hate my life if I was reliant on a man I used to be married to to provide for me.

Back to the thread.

My exp met my exh, it was not anything organised, but happened very naturally over time. My exh trusts my judgement and as long as our children were ok with him, it’s none of his business.

My exp’s EXW asked to meet me. She’s a heinous excuse for a human being, with a long history of twisting the truth. I told my exp to respond with the fact that I would be more than happy to meet her, with a mediator present and her to provide a list of what she would like to discuss with me.

Funnily enough, she never took me up on that offer, having previously complained in court that she had not met me/ spoken to me. When it became clear that I wouldn’t allow a 121 style interrogation/ her to control the meeting, she was no longer interested.

Some adults operate with children’s best interests at heart. Others simply use the children to exert control in the exH/ exw’s home / new relationship.
No one needs to be ‘forced’ into anything. All our circumstances are unique and we can make our own judgement calls.

Oops sorry, wrong thread. Haven’t had my morning coffee yet.

FaceitDave, if money isn’t the issue, if your OH is very supportive of you being a SAHM and it was never agreed that you’d look after your SC, what is the issue?

I don’t understand. Just say to your DH that you agreed to look after your SC last year due to the situation but don’t expect to do this year. End of the story.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Really, this is why I'm amazed that women have children with men who already have kids. The shit they're expected to put up with. No way would I want to care for someone else's badly-behaved child for six weeks. A man in this position would never be expected to do this.

It's silly expecting the OP, who only has a young baby, to look after a much older child as well if clubs are an option. She's naturally going to prioritise the baby's needs and it will make for a very boring summer for the older DC. I imagine they will spend most of their time being stuck in front of screens or dragged out to boring activities suitable for the baby.

I don’t know about that. My friends OH is and does look after her DS during the summer. I wouldn’t call him badly-behaved but like all children I’m sure he has his moments. If her OH refused to look after her DC and insisted he went into child care full time I’m not sure they’d still be in a relationship. He’s not a SAHP but is a teacher. She takes time off during the holidays too but couldn’t do all 13 weeks. The one time she suggested sending him into a club, her OH was quite upset with her and said he’d happily take him to activities her DS wanted (it was a summer camp offered but a children activity centre) so why waste the money on childcare.

You just have to be firm
This is a few months / years with your baby before returning to work. You will get whinged at but too bad.

@FaceItDave, your Dh will benefit from you looking after his children as he will have more time with them however the children at 8 need a voice, what is their preference?

I imagine being with you won't be as much fun. That's not an insult but if you have a young baby you won't understand the needs of primary school children. It's about the stage of parenting YOU are at.

Also you should have a voice. I hope your DH listens rather than forces his opinion on you.

Please do consider your career...I am sure you feel secure with your DH but at one stage his Ex probadly felt the same. I assume he is keen for her to work now they are not together? How he treats her is how he will treat you. Getting back to work post time off can be very difficult so also prioritise your earnings.

While I agree that you absolutely shouldn't accept being the default childcare, I would probably do a mix of clubs and looking after the DSC. I think it's important that step children feel part of the new family and not palmed off into holiday clubs to keep them out of the way. I think I'd be worried about how they'd perceive it. If the child is badly behaved, that needs addressing though. Is your husband supportive of you if you need to tell your DSC off? Because that would make a huge difference to my willingness to help out. If so, I would be willing to help him, but not take sole responsibility for his contact time. It's important for the kids that their dad makes the time to see them and look after them because contact is about them seeing him.
But in principle I agree that this isn't your responsibility, that your 'contract' is to sah with your child, especially if this is something your husband wanted more than you did.

I don’t know about that. My friends OH is and does look after her DS during the summer. I wouldn’t call him badly-behaved but like all children I’m sure he has his moments. If her OH refused to look after her DC and insisted he went into child care full time I’m not sure they’d still be in a relationship. He’s not a SAHP but is a teacher.

Ah, well if your friend pressured her boyfriend into it and he put up with it then it MUST be right.

I could put up with watching my DSS during summer, but no way would I be putting up with someone that holds "if you don't do it I will leave you" over my head. I would be handing somebody like that their coat on their way out. They are not decent people.

I'd never expect my ex's girlfriend to look after my kid in the school holidays, I'd take annual leave, sort clubs, ask family, ask ex and if needed to sort a childminder.

Is it the ex who is asking or is this the DH potentially taking the OP for granted because she is home? The mum might not have given this any thought at all if it is childcare which is needed during the dad's contact time

On my husbands contact time I'd suck it up and do the childcare of his dc. On mums contact time she'd have to sort her own childcare. That shouldn't fall to you.

It would depend on what the arrangement was, for me.

I think if one person is the sole breadwinner then the other needs to be the childcare provider, and that would be for all childcare responsibilities that came under the family unit, including SC during dad's contact time.

However, I'd only provide all childcare if he was providing all financial input. If he agreed to financially provide all the essentials but I had no money to spend on myself for "fun" things as I would if I earned my own money, then I wouldn't consider him as providing everything.

This would be akin to me saying 'I'll provide all the essential child care for our DC but anything extra for SDC you can find a way to provide that yourself'.

If he does provide everything then you refusing to look after DC feels a bit like him saying 'I'll buy all the food and pay all the bills but if you want something like a nice phone or new shoes, then you have to find the money yourself'. Mumsnet would classify that as financial abuse.

I would sit down with your dh now and plan what the summer holidays will look like. Decide how much you’re prepared to look after her, so that if, for example, it’s 1 day a week, you could use this day to do something will both the children and the remaining days she goes to a holiday club. Rather than coming at it from ‘I don’t want to look after your child’ angle, come at it from ‘let’s organise our summer holidays’ angle.

You are leaving it a little late to find decent holiday clubs. Not unreasonable to want DSS to go to clubs rather than look after him all the time. Why don't you research some options of what would still be available and then give your stepson some choices.

" would you like to do drama or wood school this week? " " would you prefer climbing or football/cycle/ kayaking/ whatever club" this week?" Make it an option to do x or y but not neither. Tell dh, dont ask.

It's much more fun for dss than being stuck with you and baby. Then plan some days out with him and dh alone, ask dh what days he's taking off.

I work so plan summer like a military campaign. A week off at the beginning, a week or 2 towards the end, grandparents to have them on odd days, then coordinate wood school with other parents so they're off with friends. My days off I arrange with friends and family to do chilled out local stuff.

You might as well take on the burden of organising this. It's a PITA that my DH does no holiday planning but its better I sort it than we don't have plans in place.

Get on it now!