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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SAHM step mother

73 replies

FaceItDave · 21/05/2021 17:03

I'm a SAHM currently to DC with DH.

I also have DSC.

The summer holidays are fast approaching and I just can't do it. My 8 year old DSC is such hard work I just can't deal with them all summer holidays. Last year was horrible, they were with me a lot during lockdown.

The age gap between DSC and DC is large (DC baby) so I don't think there would be any jealousy that DC were with me at home and they were at clubs etc... AIBU to suggest this?

I know I'm at home so it makes sense but I know it will make me utterly resentful.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2021 17:12

Of course you're not unreasonable.

Aimee1987 · 21/05/2021 18:12

My mum was a child minder when I was growing up so was at home but I would have regularly gone to clubs. I honestly believe an 8 year old would have more fun at camp. Plus if your not trying to plan around work you can do the shorter ones. Eg from 9 to 3

lunar1 · 21/05/2021 18:20

For his time your DH can do a combination of holiday and clubs and ensure they get there and back.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/05/2021 18:21

What does your DH think of having to pay childcare and support a non working adult? Can he afford to do both?

If the situation was reversed, would you be happy? I don’t think I would be if my spouse refused to help.

FelicityPike · 21/05/2021 18:24

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

What does your DH think of having to pay childcare and support a non working adult? Can he afford to do both?

If the situation was reversed, would you be happy? I don’t think I would be if my spouse refused to help.

But @FaceItDave isn’t the child’s mum. It’s not her responsibility to “watch” them during school holidays. Why can’t dad take the time off his work?
SeasonFinale · 21/05/2021 18:34

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

What does your DH think of having to pay childcare and support a non working adult? Can he afford to do both?

If the situation was reversed, would you be happy? I don’t think I would be if my spouse refused to help.

Ignore this.

You may be a non-working adult but you are not a non-contributing one. You are at home with your DC. If it suits you as a family to have older ones in clubs that is fine too. I had a 9 year age gap between my own children and did the same. It is not unusual do to that as the older one loved going to sports clubs etc more than having to do stuff limited by a baby.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/05/2021 18:40

I would never ever do this op, so if you have them alone a lot then your are doing big favours. Saying I can do 1 week of school holidays to support dp but the other 2 weeks of his 50% of school holidays need to be sorted another way.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/05/2021 18:41

By another way I mean clubs or dp takes leave. What their mum does with them in her half of school holidays is up to her.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/05/2021 18:44

It’s the birth parent who shoukd take responsibility in the holidays. You’re not his unpaid childminder

ThatIsMyPotato · 21/05/2021 18:59

Does your partner have DSC for 100% of the holidays or just part?

ThatIsMyPotato · 21/05/2021 19:01

I only ask because for some reason if it's 100% then it doesn't make sense for your partner to take the whole time off to me. But I'm not sure why. If it's only 50% I'd say he should be taking the time off to look after DSC or sorting clubs and if he takes time off to look after DSC he could spend the day with his children with you too.

Notaroadrunner · 21/05/2021 19:03

Why are you even thinking about it? It's up to your Dh and his ex to sort out minders and clubs for their child. You are not there to provide free childcare. Tell him that you won't be on hand to mind dsc and that he needs to organise clubs for the summer holidays or take holidays himself to cover his access time.

partyatthepalace · 21/05/2021 19:12

You aren’t being unreasonable. The question is do you have the money? If you do then explain how you feel to DH, and he’ll have to lump it.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 19:16

Does DSC live with you full time? Is their parent having any time off to care for them?

ThatIsMyPotato · 21/05/2021 19:28

What's the normal contact pattern? Is mum involved at all?

funinthesun19 · 21/05/2021 20:41

You being a SAHM to your dc, which is his also his child, allows him to be free not to worry about work. The work that pays for all of his dc including maintenance for dsc.

Therefore I think you do enough for your dh regarding the dsc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 23:23

You’re at home to look after your baby. Contact is for DSC to spend time with their dad. He and their mum should be using annual leave, parental leave or clubs.

Tiredoftattler · 22/05/2021 00:15

If I were the father, I would consider putting all of the children (baby included) into care for the summer and suggest that OP go to work to contribute her equal share to household expenses.

I would not work and provide my spouse the opportunity to not work and yet have them be unwilling to provide assistance to me I may be skewed in my thinking , but I would consider assisting my husband with his child care during the summer as a way to demonstrate my appreciation for his working to provide me with an opportunity to be a SAHM. I would never accept more than I was willing to provide.

In this situation if I were the husband, I would say fine, I am willing to pay to put all of my children in care, and I expect you to work and make an equal financial contribution to the household. In that way, the OP would not need to be bothered with his children and she would not be in anyway reliant or beholding to her husband. She would be carrying an equal share of both finances and responsibility. She would then be in the perfect position to say " your children are your responsibility. I work full-time , and it is unreasonable for you to expect any assistance from me. I am carrying my own weight in this household. "

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2021 00:19

If I were the father, I would consider putting all of the children (baby included) into care for the summer and suggest that OP go to work to contribute her equal share to household expenses.

So out of spite you would put the baby in care for a few weeks over summer when the baby is perfectly happy with mum? The op would be well within her rights to say fuck off to that one.

PinkSatinMoon · 22/05/2021 00:56

@Tiredoftattler

If I were the father, I would consider putting all of the children (baby included) into care for the summer and suggest that OP go to work to contribute her equal share to household expenses.

I would not work and provide my spouse the opportunity to not work and yet have them be unwilling to provide assistance to me I may be skewed in my thinking , but I would consider assisting my husband with his child care during the summer as a way to demonstrate my appreciation for his working to provide me with an opportunity to be a SAHM. I would never accept more than I was willing to provide.

In this situation if I were the husband, I would say fine, I am willing to pay to put all of my children in care, and I expect you to work and make an equal financial contribution to the household. In that way, the OP would not need to be bothered with his children and she would not be in anyway reliant or beholding to her husband. She would be carrying an equal share of both finances and responsibility. She would then be in the perfect position to say " your children are your responsibility. I work full-time , and it is unreasonable for you to expect any assistance from me. I am carrying my own weight in this household. "

Oh my 🤔

Tiredoftattler · 22/05/2021 01:57

@funinthesun19
For me it would not be out of spite. I would be out of the realization of what parity and mutual contribution look like in my house. I don't understand the concept of I will let you take care of me, and I will assist you as long as it is not something that I find inconvenient or would simply rather not do.
I guess I just feel strongly about not accepting more than you are willing to contribute. I would never be comfortable letting someone support me, and yet telling them that I won't assist them in a way that would be helpful to them. I would think that if I wanted to stay at home with my child, I would be enormously grateful to the person who made that possible. I could never imagine say that " you need to take care of your own children " if I were not working and making a financial contribution to my child "

I am not criticizing the OP I am just stating that I would feel that I was being ugly and ungrateful if I were to respond in the manner that she is considering. I am left with an uncomfortable feeling when I feel that I am accepting more than I am willing or capable of giving. However, if her husband has no problem with her pov than he probably won't be too bothered by her response.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2021 08:26

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

What does your DH think of having to pay childcare and support a non working adult? Can he afford to do both?

If the situation was reversed, would you be happy? I don’t think I would be if my spouse refused to help.

Well that non working adult is providing full time child care to some of his other children so she's contributing "financially" by saving on formal childcare costs
SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2021 08:30

to demonstrate my appreciation for his working to provide me with an opportunity to be a SAHM. I would never accept more than I was willing to provide so much privilege in the assumption that op is choosing not to work rather than op can't out earn childcare costs so her working would be a net loss to family money, or that one of the children doesn't have additional needs etc. My husband shows his appreciation of me giving up my career to care for our medically complex child by working and bringing in money.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2021 08:44

Tiredoftattler

She is doing her bit for the family by staying at home and looking after the baby, which saves a massive childcare bill. He’s not supporting her lifestyle at all. And in staying at home and allowing him to work as he likes without worrying about the baby, this also allows him to work to pay maintenance. The op is doing enough for the family including the dscs.

And as for your suggestion, I think he would be controlling and abusive to suddenly decide HE is going to put the baby in childcare over summer just because his older children have to go. He doesn’t get to decide that just because he’s the big man who works Hmm
I’d bloody hope he wouldn’t be a husband anymore too if shit like that went on.

ThatIsMyPotato · 22/05/2021 08:53

Maybe he could pay OP to do the childcare for DSC. She owes him nothing in relation to his DSC. Also contact time is meant to be for OH to see his child and if he can't then he needs to be sorting childcare not dumping them on OP.