SAHM step mother

[FaceItDave]

I'm a SAHM currently to DC with DH.

I also have DSC.

The summer holidays are fast approaching and I just can't do it. My 8 year old DSC is such hard work I just can't deal with them all summer holidays. Last year was horrible, they were with me a lot during lockdown.

The age gap between DSC and DC is large (DC baby) so I don't think there would be any jealousy that DC were with me at home and they were at clubs etc... AIBU to suggest this?

I know I'm at home so it makes sense but I know it will make me utterly resentful.

Does DSC mum work?

I'd suggest your best course of action is to return to work so you can't be used as default childcare and you protect your own financial security.

@Tiredoftattler

If I were the father, I would consider putting all of the children (baby included) into care for the summer and suggest that OP go to work to contribute her equal share to household expenses.

I would not work and provide my spouse the opportunity to not work and yet have them be unwilling to provide assistance to me I may be skewed in my thinking , but I would consider assisting my husband with his child care during the summer as a way to demonstrate my appreciation for his working to provide me with an opportunity to be a SAHM. I would never accept more than I was willing to provide.

In this situation if I were the husband, I would say fine, I am willing to pay to put all of my children in care, and I expect you to work and make an equal financial contribution to the household. In that way, the OP would not need to be bothered with his children and she would not be in anyway reliant or beholding to her husband. She would be carrying an equal share of both finances and responsibility. She would then be in the perfect position to say " your children are your responsibility. I work full-time , and it is unreasonable for you to expect any assistance from me. I am carrying my own weight in this household. "

Jesus Christ. Op, ignore this.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's not your responsibility to look after any other child but your own.

As always, no one can really comment as it totally depends on the dynamics of the family.

If indeed it is mainly OP decision to be a SAHM and it isn’t the dynamics he would prefer but goes with it to make her happy, it would be umderstandable that he would feel that OP wants to take but not give so much.

If however it was a joint agreement and looking after dsd was never mentioned as part of this, then OP has every right to say no.

Add to this a number of other factor, ie. who has main residency, is mother working, is OP happy for her DP to take all his days off to look after dsd, so no days off to go away just them.

What would be the impact of dsd going to clubs. Would she enjoy it or hate it. What would be the financial impact on the family? Could they afford it?

Can there be a compromise, you look after her some days but not all. It’s really a discussion to have with you DP, not with strangers on a forum who know nothing of your circumstances.

A couple of people (the usual suspects) have mentioned the old "you owe him this because he is providing for you while you're at home" argument now. These people need to get over themselves and realise that when a couple have a child together and one of them stays at home to look after that child, that is them evened out. They are contributing equally. Their "contract"; him going out to work to pay for the family and her staying at home to take care of their joint responsibility so that he can do so, is satisfied by and only pertains to their child together, as it does in all other couples that include a SAHP.

It's a ridiculous and extremely misogynistic argument to say that she must help him out with all his other responsibilities to show her "gratitude" for him going to work. They have a child together which he chose to make, she owes him nothing FFS.

OP you need to explain it in a way that makes it clear that your SC would benefit from going to a holiday club rather than that you strongly dislike looking after them.

For example due to the large age difference and the fact baby's do SFA, it isn't fun for an older child to do baby centric things. Your SC showed this during lockdown by playing up.

Your SC, depending how often they are with their father, won't know many other kids in the area properly so sending them to a holiday club will allow them to make proper friendships.

These people need to get over themselves and realise that when a couple have a child together and one of them stays at home to look after that child, that is them evened out
No one can make assumptions one way or the other. Sometimes it evens out, sometimes it doesn’t. Often it is a joint decision, sometimes it isn’t.

We have no idea what was agreed previously or not. The information has just not been provided to decide whether OP is reasonable or not.

They have a child together which he chose to make, she owes him nothing FFS
I don’t get this statement at all. Being a mother doesn’t give you an automatic entitlement to be a sahm whatever the circumstances.

Say they had previously agreed that she’d go back to work and chores would be shared but then changed her mind and her OH now finds himself under pressure to support the family alone.

Would this give him the right to say that all the money is his and he doesn’t owe OP a penny because she changed her mind?

It doesn’t work like that. Strong relationship discuss what each would rather do and try to find compromises. In some instances, that compromise could be the sahm to help with his responsibilities as a balance to him taking over 100% of the family financial responsibilities.

@vivainsomnia

These people need to get over themselves and realise that when a couple have a child together and one of them stays at home to look after that child, that is them evened out No one can make assumptions one way or the other. Sometimes it evens out, sometimes it doesn’t. Often it is a joint decision, sometimes it isn’t.

We have no idea what was agreed previously or not. The information has just not been provided to decide whether OP is reasonable or not.

Eeerm yes, strong relationships do do this, but what they do NOT do is say "you need to watch my kids because I'm facilitating you sitting on your arse all day", which is what was implied by a couple of posters on here. Those people did not have the context to tell OP she is not contributing enough, either, yet assume they did. No. If they made a joint decision to have a child together (soon to be two children) and that involved one of them being a SAHP, then that transaction is already complete.

Sure, from a practical POV, looking after the other kids might be something that needs considering. But from a moral "you owe him" POV, absolutely not.

I never get the “you’re only responsible for your birth child” brigade. When you marry a man with children surely they’re part of the family? Your new family? They were with me. My husband had a child, I did a lot of childcare for him. I had a horse, my husband did a lot of the care for that. We worked together. It’s the fact that OP can’t cope that means other childcare methods need to be looked at. Not just “his kids, his problem”.

I think it depends on a few things, how is OP being a SAHM being funded? Are they living on her husbands wage?
Can he afford the extra childcare for his older children whilst also being the only one bringing in money?
If he stopped having the children through the holidays will he then have to find the money for extra maintenance as he has them less?
If OP goes back to work will there be any money left over from childcare costs - in other words is it worth her working?!

I think if money isn't an issue at all, then he is being very unreasonable asking you to provide childcare for his older children. However if money is going to be a problem, then a solution will have to be found

@Honeyroar

I never get the “you’re only responsible for your birth child” brigade. When you marry a man with children surely they’re part of the family? Your new family? They were with me. My husband had a child, I did a lot of childcare for him. I had a horse, my husband did a lot of the care for that. We worked together. It’s the fact that OP can’t cope that means other childcare methods need to be looked at. Not just “his kids, his problem”.

DSS is my family, but I am not responsible for him. It's a relationship most akin to having a niece/nephew, though not exactly alike, as having a step child is actually a totally unique dynamic and trying to shoehorn it into the conventional mould of "my own child" vs "child who is nothing to me" is where so many go wrong. But, like a niece or nephew, anything I do for him is a favour, and shouldn't be an expectation from his dad.

Obviously if you were happy to do childcare for your step child then great, crack on, I'm not saying so no to make a point. But what makes me say "oh HELL no" is when people try to argue that because she is a SAHP to their joint child, she owes him other favours she does not want to provide as compensation. I think that is an extremely problematic and financially abusive line of thinking, generally laced heavily with misogyny.

yes, strong relationships do do this, but what they do NOT do is say "you need to watch my kids because I'm facilitating you sitting on your arse all day", which is what was implied by a couple of posters on here
I don’t think that was implied at all and OP certainly made no mention of it being the situation either.

Yet how many posts to say that it was never right that OP should be looking after her sc?

@vivainsomnia

yes, strong relationships do do this, but what they do NOT do is say "you need to watch my kids because I'm facilitating you sitting on your arse all day", which is what was implied by a couple of posters on here I don’t think that was implied at all and OP certainly made no mention of it being the situation either.

Yet how many posts to say that it was never right that OP should be looking after her sc?

Oh really? What do you make of these two comments, then?

"What does your DH think of having to pay childcare and support a non working adult?"

"I would not work and provide my spouse the opportunity to not work and yet have them be unwilling to provide assistance to me I may be skewed in my thinking , but I would consider assisting my husband with his child care during the summer as a way to demonstrate my appreciation for his working to provide me with an opportunity to be a SAHM."

Meanwhile, I can find no comments saying it's wrong for OP to look after them even if she wanted to. All of the comments saying they should find a different solution are within the context of her not wanting to do it.

Why can’t dad take the time off his work?

13 weeks school holiday a year. Half of that is a minimum of 6 weeks. Average holiday entitlement is 4 to 5 weeks. I can see the posts now...I won’t look after my DSCs and he refuses to take time out for our little family.....

so much privilege in the assumption that op is choosing not to work rather than op can't out earn childcare costs so her working would be a net loss to family money, or that one of the children doesn't have additional needs etc

And yet post after post about lazy ex wives refusing to work. How dare they expect their ex to support his children financially. How dare she claim ‘all the benefits’ whilst us tax payers pay her benefits. No ex wife ever got the benefit of childcare expenses or additional needs...

@EnoughnowIthink In fairness when people talk about the ex refusing to work, they are usually talking about one with school aged children who is not out of work to save on childcare costs.

@funinthesun19
It really only matters what the OP and her husband think about this situation. He may be thrilled to be the only one working while 1_of his 2 children for whom he alone is working to provide is unwelcome in the home if he(the father) is not present. That situation speaks volumes about the level of parity and appreciation that exist in the household.

Partners may agree that 1 of them may be working and will be staying at home with the kids, but I doubt if the SAHM partner made it clear that she would not expect to care for his other children when they were in the home. If such an agreement had been reached, the OP would not be making this complaint.
If I were the sole financial provider in my home ,and my husband were to suggest that he did not wish to have either my children or even his children at any time in the home that I was working to provide for all of them, he would be invited to leave.

I don't think that the husband deciding to put child 2 in childcare is anymore controlling than the OP saying that child 1should go to childcare

If the OP were a single parent she would likely have to put her child in childcare, work a full time job, and maintain her home and no one would suggest that she was overburdened and put upon. She, however , largely and maybe solely through the contribution of her husband does not have to live that way, and yet she feels put upon because she has to look after his child while he works to provide for all of them.

I can't and wouldn't say what the OP should do. I am only saying how I would feel and what I would do in similar circumstances. I would never accept more than I was prepared to give.

I would never think that I was providing a service to my husband by keeping my child. I would however think that he was providing something to me by assuming what should be my equal financial obligation to our household.

SC should welcome to be there, when a parent is around to look after them.

Oops, SC should be welcome to be there, when their parent is there to look after them. Why should OP do more work for someone else's child? Maybe the SC's mum should look after them when dad needs to work as he is giving her maintenance and she chose to have a child with him.

@Tiredoftattler Every now and then you say something half decent and then you come out with the biggest chunk of sexist bullshit ever.

How on Earth is one parent doing all of the childcare for a joint child NOT providing their partner, the dad, a service, yet the dad going to work is? Your disgust and vitriol for non working parents reads loud and clear.

People DO think single parents who need to work with small children that accrue childcare bills equal to their wages are overburdened. Of course they do. It's an incredibly difficult position to be in. OP is lucky to be in a couple so she does not to have to do that, but equally her partner is lucky to be in a couple so that HE doesn't have to do that. The child is his too and if she wasn't looking after them, he would have to pay to do so. The fact that you cannot see the obvious parity there is mind blowing, and again, comes back to how you clearly view women that do not immediately go back to work after their child is born.

And it's also incredibly disingenuous to say OP is objecting to them being in the home. At their ages, it is childcare that is expected of her, not simply coexisting in the same house while they look after themselves

@aSofaNearYou
If by staying home to provide childcare for my own child, I am making a contribution equal to my husband's income, I could by agreeing

to provide childcare for my mortgage lender, utility company, grocer, and yard man essentially do away with a need for either of us to work.
Perhaps the OP could suggest to her husband rather than his going to work, he just agree to provide childcare to those service providers. He could then be home to care for all of his children and no one would need to feel resentful or put upon.

@Tiredoftattler Eh?

It's not a direct financial contribution. It's a contribution of time and effort that allows the other partner to work and make the financial contribution. But when SC and maintenance are involved part of that contribution isn't for the OP or her child so why should she help facilitate that bit

@aSofaNearYou
I am sorry but I don't agree that a SAHM parent is providing all of the childcare. What he or she is providing is care and availability during the hours that the other parent is working. The SAHM is not providing the only care and nurturing that is taking place.

I recognize that many people may earn wages that make paying for childcare difficult and that can be and is a significant economic issue.
However, I do not think that they are overburdened. Inherent in the decision to have a child is the obligation to support that child.

Women know both the real earning and their earning potential when they choose to have a child. I say women not because I excuse men from their responsibility and obligations; however, even though it takes a man and a woman to create a pregnancy, the decision to bring that pregnancy to term lies solely with the woman.
It would be great if governments created economic conditions and laws that insured all working people adequate living wage, but such is not the world in which we live.

We all have the responsibility to make choices that are sustainable within our individual circumstances.

How on Earth is one parent doing all of the childcare for a joint child NOT providing their partner, the dad, a service, yet the dad going to work is?
Why this common assumption that the sahm does ALL the childcare? Most father I know are very involved too, because they don’t consider looking after their child as work and look forward to get involved looking after their baby. Many would ideally choose to work PT and be more involved.

You seem to make many assumptions about the dynamics of this family. As per my first post, we can’t comment because we don’t know. Maybe he can’t wait to go to work and come back as late as possible and he does indeed expect OP to do everything relating to kids and home.

But it’s as feasible that he would love to spend more time with his children and share the financial burden with OP.