We have not told DSD's we are expecting I am now 7 months along

[Carperhull1]

Hi everyone. I am 7 months pregnant with my first and have two DSD's and a Hubby. We found out we were pregnant and were elated. However, at the same time the ex and hubby fell out spectacularly and for some reason I got dragged into the mess through insults etc. The ex said she hopes I can never have kids and that our baby will be a half breed ( I am of mixed heritage and I found that very insulting) I was at the time in early stages of pregnancy she didn't know this. Due to the messages and insults. I chose to withhold the information. I want peace and nothing negative around me. My husband agreed as well as only communicating through email she is blocked. We haven't told DSD either. They honestly must think I'm over eating and I'm luck I am not very large. I'm not 7 months and strange as it is , it feels harder to tell them , when is the right time for instance. Hubby is wanting to tell them this weekend but I'm so anxious. I think I like it too much being our secret.

I fail to understand how the stepchildren are being treated poorly in these circumstances.
Them not being told until this point makes absolutely no difference to them. 2 months is still a huge amount of time for a 6 and 7 year old anyway.
Op clearly has their interests at heart because she knows they need to be told at some point before the baby is born or else she wouldn’t be posting this thread full of concern about it. She has also posted about her reasons for them still not knowing, and it’s definitely not because she doesn’t want to involve them. I think she does but she’s not been able to because of the children’s mother and her reaction to it all. It must be awful having to keep her pregnancy a secret!

And as for the ex. How on earth is she hard done by? She’s really not.
But she is a racist though....

Tell them nothing until you feel safe and well enough to do so. 🌸

I think its ok as 9 months its such a long time to kids and when you tell them its happening soon they will be over the moon! Its like telling kids theyre going to Disney and they say when Saturday! and you say no 2023! Kind of ruins it for them. Congratulaions :)

OP, why would you punish children for their mother’s appalling behaviour. This will be a big adjustment for them, keeping your pregnancy secret from strangers or acquaintances maybe I get, but your future child’s siblings? You don’t sound like your value your partner’s step children very much at all

You don’t sound like your value your partner’s step children very much at all

very manipulative language.

"Whilst their mother is racist and rude the best thing to do for your step daughters is to ignore that and be polite to her. You cannot control her behaviour but you can control your own. It is bad enough that they only see their father every other weekend. They don't need to be caught up in an environment of open hostility between their mother and their father's new wife. You can't be responsible for any hate she displays towards you but you don't need to make it worse by showing the same back."

The ex wife is abusive and racist to even expect op to engage with her let alone be polite is ridiculous advice.

I find it so strange how some people think step mother's have to put up with more than you would expect of any other human being even racist abuse and still be "polite" just because this woman is an ex wife? You wouldn't expect it of anyone else.

No, OP doesn't have to even engage with this woman at all.
The best thing to do is to have absolutely nothing to do with her.
NOBODY has to tolerate racist abuse or abuse of any kind, what a poor message to send to the children.

OP, why would you punish children for their mother’s appalling behaviour. This will be a big adjustment for them, keeping your pregnancy secret from strangers or acquaintances maybe I get, but your future child’s siblings?

She’s not punishing them fgs.
She wants to tell them!
But she has had to put it off because of the mother being nasty about it. She wants to hide it from her, not the children. Not that she should have to hide it from the mum because that implies that the mum is in control, and the mum should get no say in anything to do with the op’s pregnancy and baby. Unfortunately some mums/ex wives think they do get a say and sometimes they aren’t pleasant about it.

You don’t sound like your value your partner’s step children very much at all

What makes you come to that conclusion?

OP - tell this weekend /next time you have contact. Do it on the first evening you have them.

Agree with framing it that is great news that they are going to be big sisters and how great this is for them, how happy you are that your baby will have such lovely big sisters to look up to.

Then once they've been told, get your DH to send his ex a message telling her, so she knows and it isn't the DSDs job to tell her. Get your dh to tell the DSD that he's messaged their mum so she knows too, but wanted them to know first because they are going to be very important to the new baby.

I completely understand why you didn't tell them in thr early days. They probably won't think that you've kept it from them, they still have to wait months.

Agree with framing it that is great news that they are going to be big sisters and how great this is for them, how happy you are that your baby will have such lovely big sisters to look up to.

how else would they word it 🤔

@Lifeaintalwaysempty

OP, why would you punish children for their mother’s appalling behaviour. This will be a big adjustment for them, keeping your pregnancy secret from strangers or acquaintances maybe I get, but your future child’s siblings? You don’t sound like your value your partner’s step children very much at all

It's not punishing them, at 7 years old it will mean nothing to them that they weren't told earlier, they won't even know how early anyone would usually reveal a pregnancy?!. As someone else said above, 2 months is still ages to children of that age.

The only person who will be bothered is their horrible mother and I'm sure she'll make that very clear. But quite honestly in OP's shoes I'd rather deal with her crap for the next few weeks than throughout my whole pregnancy.

I genuinely don't get why people think it's a good idea to tell children about pregnancy as early as possible, especially when it comes to stepchildren and a new half-sibling. Why let it hang over them for so long when they might be worried about it getting more love/time/attention from their parent and stepmum? Better they find out later and see sooner that it doesn't take anything away from them.

Agree with the PP's who've said that unless you've been subject to the racism that OP has towards her and an unborn child, it's hard to fully understand. I am mixed ethnicity as well, and to be honest would probably keep my pregnancy to myself for as long as reasonably possible if I were in these circumstances too.

Also, in terms of cultural aspects, both my grandmothers (one Caribbean, one Mediterranean) used to warn about curses on babies through bad words and thoughts, and whilst I understand it's may not be true or logical at all, as a first time mother I was really wary of when I announced my pregnancy (6 months in) and not letting people I don't trust look my baby in the eyes or touch her. Might sound bonkers but there it is. You are not rational at times during pregnancy, and sometimes there is just an underlying panic of something going wrong that you really don't want to add to it with the negative views of others.

However, the time has come now that baby will be here soon OP, and the DSDs need to have some time to prepare and feel included in the celebration. Get them on board, let them have some of the excitement and build up, and help to ensure they don't follow the vile and damaging views of their mother.

I hope you are looking after yourself OP, not getting unduly stressed etc 🌸

I won’t say anything until your 8 months pregnant.... just say it was a high risk pregnancy

I wouldn't tell yet. They are 6 and 7. A week is a long time to them. I agree with a pp - tell them at 8 months or when you are really showing. Even if you tell them at 8 months, they still have 4 long weeks to wait before they meet the baby. It'll feel like a long time to them, and plenty of time to get used to it. My niece is about this age and if you tell her someone is coming in 1hr, after 10 mins she'll ask if they're here yet. So I wouldn't worry about them at all. And when you tell them, I wouldn't say exactly when the baby is due either. Because the ex will automatically assume you have another 4 or 5 months.

I have experience within my own family of children of a similar being told late about the imminent arrival of a half sibling. Decades later those involved still believe their parent was wrong in not telling them sooner. It's not true to say it won't impact on children of that age. Children are usually a lot more perceptive than they get credit for and they will have thoughts about it even if they are not voiced.

OP,. I understand your concerns but I don't like the way you talked about welcoming your DSDs into your home as if you'd made some great effort. You are married to their dad. It's a given you should do that.

Your DH needs to tell his ex. Not telling her will give her ammunition. She's going to find out anyway. Don't let it be via the children. That wouldn't be fair on them. Tell them early on this weekend and he should call her immediately after and let the dust settle before they return home.

I have experience within my own family of children of a similar being told late about the imminent arrival of a half sibling. Decades later those involved still believe their parent was wrong in not telling them sooner. It's not true to say it won't impact on children of that age. Children are usually a lot more perceptive than they get credit for and they will have thoughts about it even if they are not voiced.

Nobody said the change will not impact the Children, but this is your personal experience, and not the same for everyones experience. There will obviously be positive and negative impact. OP must do what is right for her because this is more complex that just letting the children know.

OP share the info in your own safe time. 🌸

I have experience within my own family of children of a similar being told late about the imminent arrival of a half sibling. Decades later those involved still believe their parent was wrong in not telling them sooner. It's not true to say it won't impact on children of that age. Children are usually a lot more perceptive than they get credit for and they will have thoughts about it even if they are not voiced.

I don't get it though, when I consider my SD7 and her cousins who are of a similar age, there is no way the majority of them would even know how long a pregnancy is. There is no chance any of them know at what point people usually tell others!

The only way children of this age could be upset by this is if someone in their life puts it in their head that they have been wronged by not being told sooner. Which obviously their mother WILL do, but she sounds like she equally would have made an issue had she found out earlier anyway so there is no way to win.

"I have experience within my own family of children of a similar being told late about the imminent arrival of a half sibling. Decades later those involved still believe their parent was wrong in not telling them sooner."

They must have lead very non eventful lives to still hold a grievance about that.
Still holding onto it decades later.🤦🏼‍♀️🙄
I wish I had such tiny 'problems' in my life.

Some people really are all about themselves.
How OP feels is totally understandable this is her baby and she has every right to live a peaceful existence,if that means the kids finding out later then I can't see any issue at all.

We did not tell my daughter that I was pregnant with our 2nd child until I was 8 months along. I had suffered. 2 miscarriages between the first and second child and did not want to get her involved until were had a great degree of comfort about the possible outcome. We waited to decorate the nursery until that time and I made no purchases or provisions until that time.

The one month of anticipation and involvement worked well for my daughter. She was able to be excited and involved without a long and drawn out period of anticipation. It worked better for me as well, because I had a lot of anxiety and concern about my ability to carry another baby to term We were all able to celebrate at a point in time when we could feel relatively comfortable about the upcoming event.

I think that because my daughter was so comfortable in her awareness of our love for her and her excitement that she never experienced feelings or thoughts of possible displacement. It may have been different if she were not living with both parents.

I think the timing of the telling is far less important than the feelings and sense of security that your husband has engendered with his children.

Children hear and experience the words and attitudes of both parents and their experiences with both parents inform their perspectives.