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Step-parenting

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Original poster

We have not told DSD's we are expecting I am now 7 months along

94 replies

Carperhull1 · 18/05/2021 11:41

Hi everyone. I am 7 months pregnant with my first and have two DSD's and a Hubby. We found out we were pregnant and were elated. However, at the same time the ex and hubby fell out spectacularly and for some reason I got dragged into the mess through insults etc. The ex said she hopes I can never have kids and that our baby will be a half breed ( I am of mixed heritage and I found that very insulting) I was at the time in early stages of pregnancy she didn't know this. Due to the messages and insults. I chose to withhold the information. I want peace and nothing negative around me. My husband agreed as well as only communicating through email she is blocked. We haven't told DSD either. They honestly must think I'm over eating and I'm luck I am not very large. I'm not 7 months and strange as it is , it feels harder to tell them , when is the right time for instance. Hubby is wanting to tell them this weekend but I'm so anxious. I think I like it too much being our secret.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2021 12:48

@Crispychillibeef

I can't believe you've kept it from the kids for this long - that's not fair and I'd be hurt if I were them. Fuck what his ex has said!
Easy for you to say, isn't it.
KylieKoKo · 18/05/2021 12:50

@Atalantea

You think that it's understandable for his ex to refer to the OP's child as half-breed and be racist to her child's potential sibling?Wow!

No one thinks that is acceptable, but its not acceptable to keep a huge secret from DH DC - how old are they??

Unfortunately the post I was quoting kind of implied that is was due to the way the OP treats her children, despite the OP saying nothing about this apart from DSD not knowing she's pregnant.
mabelmint · 18/05/2021 12:50

I'v hidden a pregnancy for close to 30 weeks, at the time I felt it was better that than have to explain to DC if something went wrong. (Previous anomalies at 20 weeks so 12 weeks doesn't feel like a safe zone for me). DC suffered no ill effects from not knowing sooner. That said I think you need to tell them soon so they have a time to prepare and also it'll lift a weight from your shoulder.
Ex comments are disgusting.

Atalantea · 18/05/2021 12:53

Poor kids. Part of the excitement of having a baby is that they can share in the joy of expecting a sibling. They must be very young to have not noticed, unless your partner is a deadbeat dad and doesn't see them. You have no baby stuff around the house? Kids are incredibly perceptive. I'm not surprised his ex is annoyed if you treat her children like that.

How on earth did you get to a deadbeat dad and stupid children from a vicious and nasty ex? The OP is not treating her step children "like anything" - she is understandably worried about totally unacceptable abuse that has already been directed at her and may be directed again. I would be far more worried about the impact the the ex has on the children than that of the OP - who would want to see children grow up around that sort of language and influence?

Pretty valid view though, does the OP have baby stuff ready? pram, bedding, clothing etc? And also, leaving his dc firstly living with the ex who is racist, and secondly not looking after them and preparing them for a quite frankly MASSIVE change about to happen... I dont think @Hallyup6 is a million miles off

How have the dc not seen it? have they been in the house? is there a room where the stuff is hidden away.

Lostmyway86 · 18/05/2021 12:53

Oh get a grip everyone, it's OPs pregnancy and she doesn't need to tell anyone until the baby pops out if she doesn't want to. I have 2 SDs and 2 DDs. I did tell them after the 12 week scan but their mother is so vile I hated that she knew before some of my close friends and family. That was DHs choice aa he wanted to involve them, I would have happily waited. Don't stress about it OP, enjoy your pregnancy and let DH deal with DSDs and ex. Hopefully they'll be excited, mine were - they were 7 and 5. They also love their baby sisters now. But either way try to focus on yourself and don't get sucked into the drama.

Doyoumind · 18/05/2021 12:53

Unless DSDs are very young you may find they suspect. You have to tell them. What if the baby arrives early? If you don't tell them very quickly it could have negative effects on their relationship with their dad, with you and with their new sibling.

His ex is awful but this isn't about her. It's about making his DDs feel included and not pushed out by a new baby. You are being selfish by not telling them.

DowagerDuchess · 18/05/2021 12:54

I did something similar OP. The ex was unstable, though not an outright racist as in your example. Actually, it was beneficial because it reduced the period of uncertainty for DSS. He had about 2 months to get used to the news, which was also only 2 months for his mother to make threats and noise about how the new baby would replace him. Then we were quickly able to prove through actions once the new baby arrived that this was all unfounded and he was still central to the family.

Iggii · 18/05/2021 12:58

I didn't tell my 4 year old until around 30 weeks, due to anxiety over previous losses. He was slightly excited and then went back to his tv. He doesn't remember anything about me being pregnant.
I would definitely tell before they guess, though.

KylieKoKo · 18/05/2021 12:59

@Atalantea

Poor kids. Part of the excitement of having a baby is that they can share in the joy of expecting a sibling. They must be very young to have not noticed, unless your partner is a deadbeat dad and doesn't see them. You have no baby stuff around the house? Kids are incredibly perceptive. I'm not surprised his ex is annoyed if you treat her children like that.

How on earth did you get to a deadbeat dad and stupid children from a vicious and nasty ex? The OP is not treating her step children "like anything" - she is understandably worried about totally unacceptable abuse that has already been directed at her and may be directed again. I would be far more worried about the impact the the ex has on the children than that of the OP - who would want to see children grow up around that sort of language and influence?

Pretty valid view though, does the OP have baby stuff ready? pram, bedding, clothing etc? And also, leaving his dc firstly living with the ex who is racist, and secondly not looking after them and preparing them for a quite frankly MASSIVE change about to happen... I dont think @Hallyup6 is a million miles off

How have the dc not seen it? have they been in the house? is there a room where the stuff is hidden away.

So racism is a valid view if you don't like your the way your daughter's step mum behaves?

Obviously the OP needs to tell her DSD but it really looks like your being an apologist her mother's racist behaviour here.

Atalantea · 18/05/2021 13:05

@KylieKoKo not sure where you got that I was an apologist from what I wrote- I wrote "leaving his dc firstly living with the ex who is racist," does not qualify him for father of the year

And also, leaving his dc firstly living with the ex who is racist, and secondly not looking after them and preparing them for a quite frankly MASSIVE change about to happen... I dont think @Hallyup6 is a million miles off

BingBongToTheMoon · 18/05/2021 13:08

Mum’s racist behaviour is absolutely abhorrent and you were quite right in your actions towards her HOWEVER I think it’s absolutely outrageous that you and your partner aren’t involving his children in this important part of their family life!
Of course it depends on their age how actually involved they are, but even a two year old can join in....folding baby clothes, buying a stuffed toy etc.
I wish you well.

Lostmyway86 · 18/05/2021 13:14

@DowagerDuchess

I did something similar OP. The ex was unstable, though not an outright racist as in your example. Actually, it was beneficial because it reduced the period of uncertainty for DSS. He had about 2 months to get used to the news, which was also only 2 months for his mother to make threats and noise about how the new baby would replace him. Then we were quickly able to prove through actions once the new baby arrived that this was all unfounded and he was still central to the family.
Exactly this. Unless you've had a volatile ex doing this I guess it's hard to empathise.

I also think 2 months in a child's life is more than enough time! My SDs were excited for a week...bored for 6 months....then excited the last month.

Original poster
Carperhull1 · 18/05/2021 13:23

I have baby stuff in storage we see them EOW and like I said I'm not showing massively. It's my first and with a loose t-shirt you couldn't tell really. I'm only just 7 months . I've just not mentioned it and they haven't asked. I didn't want to tell the ex as I didn't want another blow up and more abuse making my pregnancy stressful and miserable. They are age 6 and 7 so relatively young and I don't think they have really seen pregnancy before at am older age.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 18/05/2021 13:29

They're young. Tell them that you have a huge surprise for them, and that you've been so excited to share the news with them that they're going to be big sisters.

I'm sure lots of people on here have first hand experience now that they know how old your DSDs are.

RedMarauder · 18/05/2021 13:29

OP I sent you a message.

Just get your DH to tell his children asap.

His ex-wife is not related to you or your child, so has no right to see the child or communicate with you. Both of you need to put those boundaries in place now and stick to them until your child is a teen.

funinthesun19 · 18/05/2021 13:38

I can understand why you haven’t told them. They have their awful mother to blame for that one.

I can see that it was to protect you and the baby by not telling them, like a self preservation mechanism. I totally get it. Their mum would have said all sorts of disgusting things in the earlier stages when the risk of miscarriage it much higher. And she will probably say stuff now so keep her blocked and ignore her the best you can.

Good luck with everything and congratulations! Flowers

dottiedodah · 18/05/2021 13:41

Firstly Congratulations on your pregnancy.I think his ex sounds ghastly TBH. I do think the DC need to be told though .6 and 7 year olds could quite possibly have seen friends Mums who are pregnant ,and children notice a lot more than we think! I get that its a nice secret for you both. But 8 weeks is not a long time, and they will be very shocked if they dont know they have a half sibling coming along ,and get presented with a baby!

NoNobramma · 18/05/2021 13:43

Just tell them now and involve them a bit. It’s not too late and tbh pregnancy lasts AGES for kids- so now is a good time! Make it fun and maybe have a little baby reveal party next weekend you have them and big up their role etc.
Ignore and grey rock the ex. She is worthless.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 18/05/2021 13:51

I can see why you have kept it a secret the ex sounds horrible.
I would block her on all fronts and for DH to keep any contact with her to a bare minimum.
You absolutely don't have to put up with her nasty racist behaviour.

Best of luck with it all OP.

aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2021 14:02

At 6 and 7 I would expect 2 to 3 months of pregnancy to feel like a pretty long time. My SS was always expecting the baby to be already born after we told him. I think now is actually a really good time to tell them.

Pinkypink · 18/05/2021 14:06

Totally understandable why you wouldn't want to tell them and risk more vile comments from their mother.
Now that you're almost 7 months I think it's wise to tell them. You don't have to give them a due date (for them potentially to relay to their mother)
Hopefully they'll be excited and will have no clue how long you've known. It's still a long time to wait at that age.
It would be a weird thing for them for you to have a baby without them ever knowing you were pregnant.
You certainly don't need to engage with the ex at all. Block her and take notice of her vile opinions

Anteak · 18/05/2021 14:18

I think you and your dp not telling his dcs yet is truly disgusting! My own dc, who are older than your dps have been in this exact situation and only found out after they over heard a family member saying that exes gf had, had their baby.
It has totally destroyed their relationship with their father, as their siblings mother absolutely hates me (I've never seen nor spoken to the woman) so therefore doesn't want my dc anywhere near their precious child.

It will be better coming from you than them hearing about it from someone else, mine never got a chance to get excited and their sibling is now 8 months old and they don't even know his name which is very sad for them.

ajandjjmum · 18/05/2021 14:23

@Anteak

I think you and your dp not telling his dcs yet is truly disgusting! My own dc, who are older than your dps have been in this exact situation and only found out after they over heard a family member saying that exes gf had, had their baby. It has totally destroyed their relationship with their father, as their siblings mother absolutely hates me (I've never seen nor spoken to the woman) so therefore doesn't want my dc anywhere near their precious child.

It will be better coming from you than them hearing about it from someone else, mine never got a chance to get excited and their sibling is now 8 months old and they don't even know his name which is very sad for them.

It's not disgusting - it's circumstances! Furthermore, the OP obviously intends to tell the DC imminently - not leave them to find out as your own DC sadly did. Obviously that relationship has it's own challenges.

Handled properly, this could be the perfect time to tell them. They will still be involved with the planning and excitement, but not have to wait for months for the arrival.

MrsMiddleMother · 18/05/2021 14:23

I really don't blame you for not telling yet, lots of women don't tell their own kids until after the 20 week scan atleast. 6 months is a long time for a child to wait for a sibling, a couple of months sound better. Tell them this weekend in a really exciting way, make it a big deal they'll be big sisters and you don't have to say anything to the ex. The girls will probably tell her but just make sure she's blocked so can't ruin it. Good luck and congrats x

BlueBrownbin · 18/05/2021 14:23

I 100% understand OP why youve kept Thai a secret, I’ve been in a similar situation and didn’t tell family till I was 34 weeks
I was genuinely worried as one member of my family is a ‘witch’ (I know I know all nonsense but it’s quite unsettling) and I know it’s all nonsense etc etc but when you’re hormonal and protective of the little baby you are carrying you feel scared that negativity and bad thoughts and words from others could somehow affect you and your pregnancy outcome. I promise you it can’t.

You do need to tel your dsd and your dh needs to step up and shield you from any negative and unkind behaviours from his ex.
Get the children all on bird and excited for their new sibling and good luck xxx