We have not told DSD's we are expecting I am now 7 months along

[Carperhull1]

Hi everyone. I am 7 months pregnant with my first and have two DSD's and a Hubby. We found out we were pregnant and were elated. However, at the same time the ex and hubby fell out spectacularly and for some reason I got dragged into the mess through insults etc. The ex said she hopes I can never have kids and that our baby will be a half breed ( I am of mixed heritage and I found that very insulting) I was at the time in early stages of pregnancy she didn't know this. Due to the messages and insults. I chose to withhold the information. I want peace and nothing negative around me. My husband agreed as well as only communicating through email she is blocked. We haven't told DSD either. They honestly must think I'm over eating and I'm luck I am not very large. I'm not 7 months and strange as it is , it feels harder to tell them , when is the right time for instance. Hubby is wanting to tell them this weekend but I'm so anxious. I think I like it too much being our secret.

*on board !

@Anteak

I think you and your dp not telling his dcs yet is truly disgusting! My own dc, who are older than your dps have been in this exact situation and only found out after they over heard a family member saying that exes gf had, had their baby. It has totally destroyed their relationship with their father, as their siblings mother absolutely hates me (I've never seen nor spoken to the woman) so therefore doesn't want my dc anywhere near their precious child.

It will be better coming from you than them hearing about it from someone else, mine never got a chance to get excited and their sibling is now 8 months old and they don't even know his name which is very sad for them.

It's not disgusting at all.

@ajandjjmum

Furthermore, the OP obviously intends to tell the DC imminently

From the OP " I think I like it too much being our secret."

It will feel a lot better if you tell them and they have time to process the information. You could go out for a walk and let them talk to their dad after? Then he needs to email their mum and shield you from any negativity from her. She does need to know so that if Child Maintenance gets affected she has warning and also so that she has a chance to process the info before your SC tell her.

@ajandjjmum you're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine, I think its disgusting that the children haven't been involved. I could completely understand if there were health concerns, but it's simply because op in her words "likes it being their secret" and wants to keep it from Sdds mum. Most children find it hard to cope with a new sibling and being apart of the process helps with the crossover and that's something that really pisses me off with blended families. A lot of the time the new mum wants xyz, but doesn't understand her partner has other children.

His ex sounds like ana rose hole and I wouldn't want my child being raised by someone passing those values on. I'd be seriously considering having my child with me full time because it's abusive to you you and it's a head fuck for them having to listen to their mother call their other family racists names.

I'd tell them ASAP and it might might we wise for Dad to work something out so he has some kind of contact with them during the week and the weekend they aren't there, not necessarily physical but phone calls or something so that they can speak to him in between visits about any worries. It sounds like their mum would be the type to say he'll start bothering with his daughters less. I'd want to be making a bit if extra effort to make sure the girls don't believe that. I know one or two nights every fortnight is a common set up, I'm not criticising that, but while two months is a long time to kids, it's only three or so visits with their dad if you tell the girls this weekend. Realistically, they aren't going to be there for the majority of the planning and excitement, and could feel left out. Which is why it might be good for him to try and include them when they aren't there if possible.

Have you discussed what you'll do with the girls if you go into labour on the weekend they're with their dad? If his plan is to send the girls back to their Mum or not have them at all that weekend I'd brace yourself for more abuse from the ex and for her to tell the kids he's ditching them for the new baby. He might have to reassure his daughters again that this isn't the case.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and I hope everything goes well

THey should definitely be told asap. It's not too bad to have kept quiet for a while. But now they need to know to have time to adjust to it.

I think you've given the ex more ammo here - she'll be telling those kids that you & their dad kept it from them and make up any number of reasons.

[quote Anteak]@ajandjjmum you're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine, I think its disgusting that the children haven't been involved. I could completely understand if there were health concerns, but it's simply because op in her words "likes it being their secret" and wants to keep it from Sdds mum. Most children find it hard to cope with a new sibling and being apart of the process helps with the crossover and that's something that really pisses me off with blended families. A lot of the time the new mum wants xyz, but doesn't understand her partner has other children.[/quote]
Many people don't tell anyone until 20 weeks, is that disgusting too? I understand what you're saying if they aren't told at all but 2 months is a good amount of time for very young children.

Those poor kids. You’re already putting up barriers between ‘your’ baby and your dsc. I see nothing but trouble ahead for you

OP I think you have done exactly the right thing!
This is your pregnancy, and you have the right to make decisions that make your pregnancy as calm and stress-free as possible.
It's all very well people lamenting "Won't someone think of the children" that's easy to do. They obviously haven't had to deal with the nastiness and hostilities and vile racism from their husbands ex wife. Not everybody can sit around and solve everything with a cup of Chamomile tea and a cosy chat.
You know how that treatment from his ex feels, and it's going to hurt you deeply. It's also going to mean that you've probably got to deal with a lot more of that in the future. So why shouldn't you keep your pregnancy between yourself and Your husband. You don't need toxicity from his ex.
You probably also know if you'd have told the children their mum would have started to poison their minds a lot sooner.
You tell the children when YOU feel ready. No matter who yells any different. This is your baby, and you do what's best for you.
There's no worry of you causing any issues with your DSD, their mum will create plenty, and will as long as you see them. You enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Vile racism is something that should NEVER be condoned by anyone. You do what's right for YOU and YOUR sod everyone else!
The best of luck, and congratulations xx

God, I am so sorry for the grief you are getting on here. After suffering vile racist abuse from your SD's mum, I am not surprised that you don't want her to know until she absolutely has to, and obviously that means with not telling her children also. I would absolutely do the same if my DP's ex was nasty like this, you just don't need the stress and no need for her to know sooner than necessary.

That said, I do think now you're at the point where you probably need to let them know, or at least soon. I don't think it really matters that they haven't known until now...tbh I'd be inclined to tell my stepchildren later in pregnancy also, as it given them less time to stress and worry about being pushed out (if they felt that way).

Those poor kids. You’re already putting up barriers between ‘your’ baby and your dsc. I see nothing but trouble ahead for you

Does it really matter that she didn’t rush to tell them? At their age they have no concept of how long a pregnancy lasts, and 2 months is still a long time to a child of their ages anyway, so them finding out 2 months before the baby is due really is a non issue and definitely not anything to do with “barriers”.

Their mum is a nasty piece of work, so it’s no surprise that the op wanted to keep her pregnancy private away from the mum until as late as possible. This isn’t anything to do with pushing the kids out, it’s to do with protecting herself from their mum. And in doing so, the kids have to find out later than they would have done if their mum was nicer.

What the EX said was unacceptable and should not have been said

However, without context as to why they fell out and how long they have been separated it is hard to give sensible advice.

Not telling DSD with less than 8 weeks to go - all things being equal - has probably made the situation worse for your DSD and will give the EX more ammunition.

YOur DP needs to grow up aswell - you have a baby coming, if it chooses DD as when you have the DSD who is going to look after her. Dumping her with a friend whilst the two of you disappear and hey presto a new baby arrives - is going to cause havoc or sending her back to her mum.

Unacceptable what she said - your DP has stuck his head in the sand and this will ultimately backfire and his DD will bear the brunt from both parts of her family. Younresent her because of the EX, she resents you for the secrets, new baby her lost role in the family and he mum will be angry and also upset for her.

Time for you both to sit down treat your DSD with some respect and set some boundaries with the EX and make some plans.

@aSofaNearYou That's absolutely not what I said was it? And most people I know don't wait until 20 weeks, they mostly do it after the 12 week scan and of course I don't wrong the op for that, however I still stand by what I say. This is ops first child and it's going to be very precious to her and she wants her little baby bubble not to burst, but unfortunately for her now she is carrying a child for someone who already has children she needs to consider their feelings as well.

I'm black so am with the op all the way on not wanting the ex to know anything about their child, but what's happening is they're excluding the children because of an adult and that is something that I will always disagree with, whether they are my own dc or somebody else's.

[quote Anteak]@aSofaNearYou That's absolutely not what I said was it? And most people I know don't wait until 20 weeks, they mostly do it after the 12 week scan and of course I don't wrong the op for that, however I still stand by what I say. This is ops first child and it's going to be very precious to her and she wants her little baby bubble not to burst, but unfortunately for her now she is carrying a child for someone who already has children she needs to consider their feelings as well.

I'm black so am with the op all the way on not wanting the ex to know anything about their child, but what's happening is they're excluding the children because of an adult and that is something that I will always disagree with, whether they are my own dc or somebody else's.[/quote]
You're so determined to focus on the "SMs must understand they have to prioritize their SC when they have a baby" that you don't seem willing to really listen to people. OP is willing to tell them now and these are young children who don't know exactly how long pregnancy is and for whom a few months is a very long time. Nothing disgusting has happened yet, other than the racist abuse.

Really ....poor kids???and poor ex ???

What about poor unborn child born into this mess, never did I think my racial heritage would be used against my child. I have opened my heart to my two DSD and my home. I have never said anything to their mother or even met her. She stalked me on social media and decided to be vile , this stemed from us getting married . I agree husband should tell the kids I do want them involved but sorry protective instinct overrides that and I will not have their mother using it as amo as far as I'm aware she will never be told directly . And Icompletely agree that vile woman will NEVER have any contact or so much as a glance at my baby. She is not worthy. And if her children ask why hopefully their dad can explain to his kids what this woman thinks about their half sibling. And FYI my husband is fully ashamed of her conduct as too is his family and actually supported my attitude around telling them all.

@aSofaNearYou Yes I am focusing not just on step mums, but step parents in general.
You can and have every right to be very blase when it comes to your partners children, however when you then decide to have a child you all need to understand what the implications are. The same as parents who have more dc when they have one or two already, most people discuss how and when they'll have children when they should tell said children.

I'm not saying that this is the op, but more often than not the most important things that should be discussed before bringing another child into the world, quite simply aren't and that's when cracks appear in relationships and it then becomes his/her child against mine/our child, resentment steps in and who are the ones that end up losing out?

I have been the ex wife and the stepmother, so I'm not being biased or trying to take the exes side or put down the op as a stepmum. 6

What the EX said was unacceptable and should not have been said

However, without context as to why they fell out and how long they have been separated it is hard to give sensible advice.

I don't understand how this is relevant at all - what does it matter why they fell out or how long they've been separated?! They are separated, she has no right to treat her ex and his DP like this, and certainly not to spew racist abuse about OP.

The bottom line is that this ex has given OP and her DH a very solid reason to be wary of telling her they are expecting a baby. She has shown that he is spiteful and nasty and that she wants to stir the pot. The last thing they need is her making the pregnancy even more stressful by playing games about access to the girls or sending spiteful messages to her ex and OP. If I were in OP's shoes or her DH's, I would want to prolong her not knowing for as long as possible to give her less time to cause trouble and make things difficult, particularly for the children in terms of telling them they're being replaced, their dad doesn't love them anymore etc etc.

OP's SCs will find out before the baby is born and that's all that really matters. My SD is also 7 and she would never think 'but why didn't they tell me months ago' - I doubt she knows how long it takes to grow a baby, and even if she did question it, we would just say we wanted to make sure everything was OK before telling her.

I genuinely don't think SDs will have any issue at all beyond what they already might have had if they had been told earlier, I know both my SCs wouldn't and if anything it gives them less time to fret.

[quote Anteak]@aSofaNearYou Yes I am focusing not just on step mums, but step parents in general.
You can and have every right to be very blase when it comes to your partners children, however when you then decide to have a child you all need to understand what the implications are. The same as parents who have more dc when they have one or two already, most people discuss how and when they'll have children when they should tell said children.

I'm not saying that this is the op, but more often than not the most important things that should be discussed before bringing another child into the world, quite simply aren't and that's when cracks appear in relationships and it then becomes his/her child against mine/our child, resentment steps in and who are the ones that end up losing out?

I have been the ex wife and the stepmother, so I'm not being biased or trying to take the exes side or put down the op as a stepmum. 6[/quote]
In fairness though Anteak, don't you think in this situation that the children will likely face more issues and worries regarding the new baby as soon as their mum finds out, given her track regarding her ex's last major life event (OP's wedding)?

As I said above, if this were me and my DP in OP's shoes, we would definitely put off letting her know for as long as possible for fear of her purposely upsetting the children about it, or messing around with contact, not to mention sending nasty, spiteful messages to a pregnant woman.

If the SCs were teens I'd say OP might have some trouble when they are told, but since they are so young I genuinely don't think they will even consider how it's taken to tell them, they probably won't even know how long OP has been pregnant for, all they will care about is how long to go until the baby comes.

Better a half-breed than inbred, IMHO.

My granddaughter has heritage from about four different continents running through her veins.

What a horrible comment to hear, OP.

Whilst their mother is racist and rude the best thing to do for your step daughters is to ignore that and be polite to her. You cannot control her behaviour but you can control your own. It is bad enough that they only see their father every other weekend. They don't need to be caught up in an environment of open hostility between their mother and their father's new wife. You can't be responsible for any hate she displays towards you but you don't need to make it worse by showing the same back.

I would tell them soon, and involve them in the whole process. Maybe go to a shop and let them buy something each for the baby.

but it's simply because op in her words "likes it being their secret"

Seriously???? How biased about the poor ex are you to have ignored the whole OP and tried to project that this is the reason.

OP, you know there will be all kinds of nasty behaviour from the ex when she finds out via her children that you are having a baby, and this is so special to you, so I fully understand why you are trying to delay so she can't add any further nastiness to your pregnancy.

You've got to do it though. And then let her do as she wishes. And put your child first, because she sure as anything will be doing everything to make it be at the bottom of the pile. I've seen this too many times. Your child is an equal. Not something that has to work round "more important" children because this horrible woman happened to fall pregnant chronologically before you. The DSD need to be treated carefully and with respect. As does your baby. Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy

@TwinsAndTrifle

but it's simply because op in her words "likes it being their secret"

Seriously???? How biased about the poor ex are you to have ignored the whole OP and tried to project that this is the reason.

OP, you know there will be all kinds of nasty behaviour from the ex when she finds out via her children that you are having a baby, and this is so special to you, so I fully understand why you are trying to delay so she can't add any further nastiness to your pregnancy.

You've got to do it though. And then let her do as she wishes. And put your child first, because she sure as anything will be doing everything to make it be at the bottom of the pile. I've seen this too many times. Your child is an equal. Not something that has to work round "more important" children because this horrible woman happened to fall pregnant chronologically before you. The DSD need to be treated carefully and with respect. As does your baby. Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy

Totally agree, especially with the first sentence: Seriously???? How biased about the poor ex are you to have ignored the whole OP and tried to project that this is the reason

So many people here have totally ignored the reason WHY OP and her DP have taken this course of action.

They've not done it to spite or hurt the children, they have done it to stop the ex upsetting literally everyone else including her own children.