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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I need help

78 replies

Srepmum1984 · 17/05/2021 10:46

Hello,

I have been with a lovely man for a year and a bit and met his children 6 months ago.

They stay now every weekend Friday until Sunday. I have two children myself and have included them just like I do my own two. We bake and go out etc.

The last three months their behaviour has become unbearable. They come into the house on a Friday night and absolutley within half an hour trash it. Cushions off the sofas, throwing toilet paper in the toilet and the last two weeks which has me concerned the 5 year old has started coming in and kicked and punched the dog.

Now I stress here I have done everything. Spoken about it, put him on the naughty step, taken the dogs away from him with no contact, explained what he's doing. He laughs in my face and his dad's. We were on the naughty spot for an hour on Saturday because everytime I asked him if he understood what he had done was wrong he just laughed at me. When he finally gave in and said sorry, said sorry to the dogs he walked straight up to one of them and grabbed its face.

They straight up don't listen. They have crisps or snacks and literally throw the packet on the floor and walk off. I make them go and pick it up but it takes 5 attempts to get them to do it and next time they have a snack they just do the exact same thing.

They won't say please or thank you so I have refused to get drinks or make food until they use manners. They finally say it after a huge tantrum, but again, the next time it's like they have forgotten the conversation even happened.

I got the 8 year old a phone so she could WhatsApp us. She has used it to be horrible to a girl at her school. I sat her down and spoke about it with the messages in front of me and she was just like nah wasn't me.

I am at my wits end. I thought long and hard before entering a relationship with someone with kids and wanted to be a good step mum, but now I feel like I am doing the job of both of their parents myself.

I speak to their mum about behaviour and she just says oh yeah they do that at home too......

I am reinforcing it and trying to help them while they are here but its now just draining me spending all weekend tidying up and basically moaning.

My own kids are teenagers now and we never this disrespectful and rude.

I don't know if I am the problem or its the lack of parenting they have the rest of the week and my two day contribution just isn't going to cut it?

The 8 should have basic manners now surely? Not be telling me and her dad to shut up when she doesn't get her own way?

OP posts:

PurpleBiro21 · 17/05/2021 12:50

You are not at fault and to an extent the problem isn’t the children it’s the parenting.

To explain, where was DH when all of this was taking place? Because there is no way someone else has to step in to parent my child as I (or DH) get in there first. Any mess they make we deal with it.
His DC behave that way because they are not being parented and it’s not your responsibility to do so.

Whereas in your situation it seems that dad is on the missing list. Which would make me end the relationship. Which is only a (Covid) year old right?

Felic23 · 17/05/2021 12:53

I think for the children to spend every weekend in a home that isn't theirs is to much. If they are at school all week and there down time is spent at a house with a step parent who parents very differently to their own parents and other children they don't know all that well must be quite stressful for them. This is possibly the cause for some of their behaviour. Is there anyway you could perhaps change contact at all and encourage Dad to take them out on contact days so they get time with just him and you don't have to deal with behaviour. Sorry if I've missed this but how old are his kids?

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 17/05/2021 13:01

Wow.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Your poor dog.

I am sorry op, but this is not going to get any better, and is very likely to get much worse in the coming years. I would be reevaluating right now. He can't leave his dc, they come as a package, sadly their behaviour is unchecked and will get worse. It is not your job to parent them op, and nor should you they will resent you.

Move back out, go back to dating and consider whether there is any future at all, because this has all the hallmarks of years of torment and hardship.

Aprilwasverywet · 17/05/2021 16:43

Who's is the ddog? Be ready to be made to choose when it bites one of his dc...
How long has your tenancy left?
I would be packing now...

Sillysandy · 17/05/2021 17:58

I think the key here is whether or not you and DP are on the same page.

If he is minimising or excusing their behaviour I would strongly consider ending the relationship or living separately. It is going to be too much of a battle.

However if he simply made poor decisions there is lots of hope. If their mother is nonplussed he may have followed her lead. And equally (especially if you have raised two great teens) he may be now trying to follow your lead but it's proving frustrating.

Yes it's not ideal that he doesn't know how to parent effectively but not everyone had fantastic role models. If he is willing to put in the work to fix previous mistakes and is well intentioned then that is what matters surely.

Can you get some professional advice on how to effectively discipline the children?

Original poster

Srepmum1984 · 17/05/2021 18:09

I have discussed with him and he told me they are just kids and I obviously just dislike them. Ffs. Had a massive row now as I said if the kids don't listen I'm not going to have my dog put down because it bit his son when it would be his fault. I suggested saying he should take his son out for the day and come back at dinner and he told me how can I be horrible to a four year old.

OP posts:

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 17/05/2021 18:24

He doesn't get it op, and he doesn't want to even try and understand your POV. He has what we call entrenched parenting. A certain way of parenting (or not parenting) and can look no further.

You are fighting a losing battle. He will never see it, total blind to the impact on other people, and I suspect he has no intention of making any changes whatsoever. You have your answer.

I am sorry, but honestly wait until they are 14&15 if you think they are bad now! You have just saved yourself a decade of pure hell.

Lbnc2021 · 17/05/2021 18:31

I would leave or get him to leave. Fuck this for a game of soldiers, you deserve better than this.

Aprilwasverywet · 17/05/2021 18:42

Imo once one party accuses the other of disliking their dc it's over anyway...

Original poster

Srepmum1984 · 17/05/2021 18:45

Wow. Well he's just had a call saying the kids aren't invited to his best friends sons birthday who is the same age as his son as his wife can't have their behaviour in her house. So now I know it's not just me. He's now going mad saying why is everyone being so highly strung 😭

OP posts:

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 18:47

Oh dear. Maybe that will give him a kick up the bum to sort it out. Though he should listen to you really. He obviously doesn't care.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/05/2021 19:16

@Srepmum1984

With the greatest respect OP you cannot fix this.

Of course it's not the fault of the children, from what you've posted neither of their parents are doing any parenting whatsoever.

You can't set age appropriate boundaries and teach good behaviour if the parents undermine you whether that's because they can't see what the problem is or old plain laziness.

This isn't going to get better. It will get worse.

The behaviour will decline further and you and your partner will constantly be at odds arguing about it.

I'm really sorry but I don't think there is any constructive advice to give other than a) leave the relationship b) stay in the relationship but move out to your own home and only see your partner when he doesn't have his children.

Guavafish · 17/05/2021 19:29

Your mistake was renting with this man! You need separate house holds so that you can have some time alone and have you’re own house rules.

All these rules are new to the kids and their parents don’t sound like they discipline them properly.

Not sure why your partner is not parenting his kids too. Why is it falling on you?

Aprilwasverywet · 17/05/2021 19:33

Good on that woman!!

DowntonCrabby · 17/05/2021 19:49

Are you starting to rethink the relationship OP?

Tiredoftattler · 17/05/2021 20:27

Who calls someone to say that they are either uninviting or not intending to invite a kid to a party? You simply do not issue an invitation, but you do not make such a big and obvious deal about it .
Surely, if your partner has known these people for years his children's behavior can hardly be a surprise to them.

The kids sound to be poorly behaved , but in truth both the OP and his friends did not likely have some recent epiphany.

In both situations , the complaining adults must have known about this behavior and chose to continue in a relationship with the parent.

They want the man just not the baggage that comes with him.

The first time that it happened shame on the kids, beyond that shame on the adults who continue to interact with the dad but then criticize his kids.

sassbott · 17/05/2021 20:28

Wow.

This isn’t you. This sounds horrific and no, an 8 year old should not be behaving this way.
Like other posters have said, I declared my home a no go zone for my exp’s DC for far less than this. As far as I’m concerned if your partners children coming consistently turns into a stressful time, it’s time to create some distance.

I also agree with the poster who commented re his comment about not liking his children. My ex once said to me (midst argument) that I was jealous/ had a problem with his children. Once they put you in that box (I.e you’re the problem, the children aren’t), it’s a slippery slope.

Sillysandy · 17/05/2021 20:40

Ah no OP I've read your updates, I think this is a fight you should walk away from. He's not on your side, he is going to wicked witch you and make it you V them. You are already second guessing yourself as you felt validated by the phonecall.

I hoped it was a case of the two of you uniting and saying "what can we do here?".

But it's not. He's saying the problem is yours. I'm sorry but I think you should not continue to live with this man.

Aprilwasverywet · 17/05/2021 21:01

I bet the dw muttered to the dh about the dc and he has accidentally been too honest!!

Carbara · 18/05/2021 12:02

He’s a failure of a parent, and a man. Dump him, and be thankful you only threw away a year of your life on him. If you choose to tolerate such a low quality specimen, you’ll obviously need to rehome your dogs.

Bellringer · 19/05/2021 18:16

You are being the parent but they don't know you well. Step back. Dad should be main carer. What happenened before? Is there a reason mum only does weekdays? They sound unsettled, all adults should try for shared rules, not easy. They need stability and consistency, doesn't look likely, lay down the law and prepare to exit

DinoHat · 19/05/2021 18:47

Why are you stepping in and doing all the parenting? Where’s your OH?

From an SM who’s five years with a man who’s child is a horror (and not parented at all) take your kids and leave!

Miasicarisatia · 19/05/2021 22:27

@Srepmum1984

We rent together x

He saw you coming didn't he

HollowTalk · 19/05/2021 22:31

You're a better woman than I am. I would last less than After 24 hours of that shit I'd be on RightMove.

ChrissyPlummer · 19/05/2021 22:45

Get out now OP. I do have a question of why an 8 yr old has a phone and access to WhatsApp (isn’t it an age limit of 13?). But anyway, that’s done, just forget it.

My ex-P had a DD who just refused to behave at all. Slightly less of an excuse as she was 16 when she moved in with ex-P and I. Refused to even put a tea bag in the bin. I left when she brought a ONS back to the house who stole my purse and work ID. He (ex-P) STILL didn’t see that as a big deal. I knew then that things were hopeless, but I wasted a good few years first.

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