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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I need help

78 replies

Srepmum1984 · 17/05/2021 10:46

Hello,

I have been with a lovely man for a year and a bit and met his children 6 months ago.

They stay now every weekend Friday until Sunday. I have two children myself and have included them just like I do my own two. We bake and go out etc.

The last three months their behaviour has become unbearable. They come into the house on a Friday night and absolutley within half an hour trash it. Cushions off the sofas, throwing toilet paper in the toilet and the last two weeks which has me concerned the 5 year old has started coming in and kicked and punched the dog.

Now I stress here I have done everything. Spoken about it, put him on the naughty step, taken the dogs away from him with no contact, explained what he's doing. He laughs in my face and his dad's. We were on the naughty spot for an hour on Saturday because everytime I asked him if he understood what he had done was wrong he just laughed at me. When he finally gave in and said sorry, said sorry to the dogs he walked straight up to one of them and grabbed its face.

They straight up don't listen. They have crisps or snacks and literally throw the packet on the floor and walk off. I make them go and pick it up but it takes 5 attempts to get them to do it and next time they have a snack they just do the exact same thing.

They won't say please or thank you so I have refused to get drinks or make food until they use manners. They finally say it after a huge tantrum, but again, the next time it's like they have forgotten the conversation even happened.

I got the 8 year old a phone so she could WhatsApp us. She has used it to be horrible to a girl at her school. I sat her down and spoke about it with the messages in front of me and she was just like nah wasn't me.

I am at my wits end. I thought long and hard before entering a relationship with someone with kids and wanted to be a good step mum, but now I feel like I am doing the job of both of their parents myself.

I speak to their mum about behaviour and she just says oh yeah they do that at home too......

I am reinforcing it and trying to help them while they are here but its now just draining me spending all weekend tidying up and basically moaning.

My own kids are teenagers now and we never this disrespectful and rude.

I don't know if I am the problem or its the lack of parenting they have the rest of the week and my two day contribution just isn't going to cut it?

The 8 should have basic manners now surely? Not be telling me and her dad to shut up when she doesn't get her own way?

OP posts:
yahyahs22 · 17/05/2021 10:52

All I can say is i married a man with 3 kids and it lasted a year. It's rough

TwinsAndTrifle · 17/05/2021 10:55

And what does DH do?

Quincie · 17/05/2021 10:57

Is it your house or his house.?

MotherofTerriers · 17/05/2021 10:58

Your first responsibility is to your own children and dogs.
This isn't working. Could you take a step back for a while, stop them coming at the weekends? Take a break then reintroduce visits slowly, starting with a trip to yours for lunch.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 17/05/2021 11:00

I’d be terminating the relationship. I certainly wouldn’t be having those children in my house again. They’re only young as well, imagine another decade of this

LettyLoman · 17/05/2021 11:01

I’d stop them coming. Let their Dad keep them at his place. Every weekend is too much

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2021 11:06

Jesus, their behaviour sounds horrendous. I'd be reverting to just dating him but him having contact elsewhere, or ending things.

Original poster
Srepmum1984 · 17/05/2021 11:15

We rent together x

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/05/2021 11:16

Sounds like he can’t handle them and/or doesn’t want to spend the weekend on his own parenting them. Tough shit.

If you want to stay with him I’d at least stop them coming over - tell him you’ll see him on his own but you don’t want his kids round. If he objects, then dump him too.

His kids need some strong parenting as they’re turning into brats and that isn’t on you to sort out. People may well start on about the upheaval they’ve endured and dads new partner on the scene etc but plenty of kids go through that and aren’t rude and disrespectful.

Fwiw I stopped spending weekends with my DP’s kids for much less than this - the mess and double standards just made every weekend stressful. So a couple of years into the relationship I got rid of my DCs bunk beds and the folding camp bed (which was a bit tatty anyway) and now that we had nowhere for them to sleep, he didn’t come over with them at weekends and just came on weeknights when they were with their mum.

Your poor dogs don’t need these horrid kids around any more than you do. And if he or their mum object to you banning them from your house you can tell them you’re worried your dog will bite the little shit so it’s for his own safety. Until he learns to treat animals with respect he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near your dog.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/05/2021 11:18

Ah I see you live together - well in that case you need to move out, as you can’t stop them coming to his house, but you can stop them coming to yours!

Sleepingdogs12 · 17/05/2021 11:19

This all seems to have happened fast. Their dad needs to step up and parent them. I would be going out and leaving him to it to be honest and if it doesn't improve he would need to see them elsewhere. Oh and take the dig with you, it isn't safe .

Sleepingdogs12 · 17/05/2021 11:20

Dog

SandyY2K · 17/05/2021 11:32

The kids sound out of control. I couldn't live like that.

Original poster
Srepmum1984 · 17/05/2021 11:39

I'm not seeing them for two full weeks as their mum is taking them away and I'm actually elated.

I don't want to feel like that, I feel so mean.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 17/05/2021 11:42

God, just move out. For yours and your own DC sake.

Surely you can’t be attracted to someone so pathetic he can’t just doesn’t parent his own children.

lunar1 · 17/05/2021 11:44

You aren't the problem, but your not the solution either. They sound a nightmare and I wouldn't allow my children to do any of these things, but this is the way their parents have raised them, you passed the point of them best behaviour for you and now this is life with them.

Do you really want to spend the next 15 years dealing with the consequences of children raised in a completely contradictory way to how you would do things?

TeeBee · 17/05/2021 11:44

Oh, just get them all out. Your DH sounds like a waste of space letting you do the parenting of his feral children. Your daughters shouldn't have to put up with this shit. Surely you can afford to rent alone if you won't need the additional bedroom space. Sounds like way too much effort for a man.

UhtredRagnarson · 17/05/2021 11:44

Why on earth are you living with this man? And buying a child you’ve known 6 months mobiles?? This is bonkers.

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2021 11:45

@Srepmum1984

I'm not seeing them for two full weeks as their mum is taking them away and I'm actually elated.

I don't want to feel like that, I feel so mean.

I think the first thing to do would be to sit down with your partner, explain what you have explained here and see what he has to say about it. If he is apologetic, recognises the bad behaviour and is keen to implement changes to tackle it then there may be a future, but if he is defensive and refuses to address it then sorry to say this will only go from bad to worse.
TaraR2020 · 17/05/2021 11:52

Tbh op, I'd end the relationship. You think it's bad now, I foresee many more problems arising from his horribly behaved children in the future.

I certainly wouldn't have them in the house again.

vivainsomnia · 17/05/2021 12:05

So how did their dad deal with these behaviours before he moved in with you and you took on all the disciplining?

Either they were much better behaved and this is all new, in which case you both need to work out why, or he never picked up on anything, they were only good whilst they didn’t know you and didn’t dare but now feel comfortable enough to act up, in which case, if their dad isn’t managing their behaviour, don’t expect it to ever get better.

Stichintime · 17/05/2021 12:14

Vivian makes a good point. If they were like this before, the behaviour is most likely a result of bad parenting. They sound like they've had no boundaries. Without alot of work from the parents on themselves this won't get any better. Please consider moving on, it's not you're job to undo their mess. Also I'd find it difficult to love and respect someone who's kids were like this.

Tiredoftattler · 17/05/2021 12:15

OP,
You are fighting a losing and lonely battle. You are trying to fix a situation that neither parent seems to think is broken. Why are you subjecting yourself to his environment? A man who is such an indifferent or ineffectual parent is hardly likely to be a more involved or caring partner.

At this point , your misery is self inflicted. Did you not meet and interact with these children before agreeing to move in with him?

If ( and it is hard to imagine) this man is a wonderful person, why not live apart and continue to see him?

Every day that you remain in this environment is is a day in which you are choosing and agreeing to be miserable. You are not likely to fix a situation that no one else perceives to be broken and it won't be long before they all deem you to be the source of the problem.

Surely, you want more from life than what you are experiencing now.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 12:23

How do they react to their dad disciplining them, do they respect his authority more? You need to protect your dog from being abused so might have to think of living separately if you can and taking things slower. I personally think a child that young doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with WhatsApp.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 12:27

but now I feel like I am doing the job of both of their parents myself. reading your post I did think "what's their dad doing about it" as it seems like you are doing a lot he should be doing. And the buying a phone thing seems like a parenting job to me not yours. It depends on your boyfriend's attitude but if he isn't actively trying and is leaving it all up to you I would consider leaving him.