Approaching a problem with DH - advice please

[SuperPixie247]

I have just had a really awful contact weekend and could use the advice of stepmums on here. I know I need to talk to my DH about it but he will kick off, I'm hoping you can help me approach the topic please.

SD is 11 and DS is 5. All SD does is get on at DS. She constantly whinges to him about the way he eats, sits, breathes, if he touches the cat and on and on. If we play a board game, it descends into chaos with her literally shouting at him if he wins or makes a good move. DS is quite sensitive (perhaps too sensitive) and it really bewilders him.

Yesterday we were playing a game and after a couple of rounds DS has had enough. I offered to play a little more with her and so did DH but she rounded on DS and it was "why do we always have to do what HE wants to do?!" and all kinds of things along those lines. This is untrue, DH and I are aware of the age difference and try to plan activities around both. DH picks SD up alone and does most of the day just the two of them then coming back for tea. I do the same with DS. We do get together on occasion but not for a while.

DS and I went upstairs out of the way when she had finished her rant last night and as I was walking up the stairs I said to DS "we can play a few games and then its bedtime" and I heard her say "thank god". DS didn't hear thankfully as he would have been gutted but I heard and I didn't like it.

We had this trouble a while back which resulted in DS and I spending most of the time upstairs and him refusing to go downstairs. Then covid hit, she didn't come for a while and the comments stopped but its back now with a vengence.

All DH does is say "hey" or "come on" or, occasionally, "hes only little" but I don't think that is enough when she lays into him like last night. I know I need to speak to him about this. It is unacceptable. But he doesn't take well to situations involving SD. He is HIGHLY sensitive about this so I am expecting to be screamed at, him threaten to pack his bags, him storm out etc. I am dreading it so please any tips will be massively appreciated.

Call his bluff.
If he threatens to pack his bags say “ Please do.”

Hmm board games where there’s a large age gap are always a nightmare even when the children are full siblings. So perhaps it’s just a bad choice of activities. But saying that there’s clearly a lot going on here. If there wasn’t the whole step sibling thing going on you’d just tell her to stop it and stop being horrible to her little brother - so I think the issue here is with your dh. If he’s unable to see this I think you need to hold the door open for him on his way out....

If that is how DH will react seriously, is there any wonder his daughters own regulation is so poor.

It needs to be dealt with as you cannot have DS feeling bullied in his own home. However, be aware that siblings do DO this-to some extent. Mine bicker and make snidey breathy comments and eye roll at each other constantly some days.

Rather than criticise her, which will set hime off. Suggest you ask her if she is unhappy? As she is behaving as if she is. And unfortunately a lot is aimed at DS which makes him sad so we need to find a way for you all to be happy. It she gets warmth and openess and instead of a telling off she may tell you whats really going on and then you can help. If she tells you its because she is insanely jealous of DS because he gets to be with Dad all the time, then you can say oh i thought the time alone with Dad on Saturdays might help with that? Does it not? What else can we do? And v subtly agree it must be really hard but also isnt DSs choice.

If DH wont talk to her with the above approach perhaps you can.

Will be hard being kind when you want to throttle her but she does sound as if she is acting up because she is struggling

Our relationship is usually excellent. He is my best friend and we can speak about anything. He turns into a different person when it concerns SD

It was SD who suggested the board game which I thought was lovely. Next time I will have better expectations I guess!

Take some control back back OP. When SD said “Thank God” you should of told her off and explained that won’t be tolerated at home as it’s unkind. At 11 she’s old enough to understand!

Thanks @anxietyanonymous I wouldn't have thought to approach from that angle

I would just be telling her myself, I wouldn't wait for the man with no backbone to do it. She is picking on him and I wouldn't care what her excuses were for it, it wouldn't be happening and if dh wanted to take a fit and leave then I would chuck his stuff at him and lock the door behind him. Unfortunately if that happens, your ds would end up having to spend time with the 2 of them alone.

I don't really feel that it is my place to tell SD off. But DH also seems to have the same attitude towards her too .

I was an only child growing up so a bit lost when it comes to what is normal sibling bickering.

He is HIGHLY sensitive about this so I am expecting to be screamed at, him threaten to pack his bags, him storm out etc.

No wonder his daughter is the way she is if her father is such a dick.

What’s your reaction normally when he does this? I’m guessing you back down, try and smooth things over, etc.

Time to start doing the opposite of whatever you usually do. Tell him “ok, off you fuck. When you’re ready to deal with this like an adult I’ll be ready to talk but until then, off you go”.

But he doesn't take well to situations involving SD. He is HIGHLY sensitive about this so I am expecting to be screamed at, him threaten to pack his bags, him storm out etc. Well this is your problem. Surely someone generally a perfect DH can control themselves enough to have a civil conversation, or is that because usually things go exactly how he wants to? It’s one thing being defensive perhaps but screaming at you? Sounds abusive. This is your key problem, not DSD at the root.

Well now is the time to start giving her a telling off, and tell your husband to start parenting his daughter adequately because she is a little bully.

And by the sounds of it so is he.

SD is in your house, it is perfectly fine for you to reprimand her, bad behaviour is not acceptable anywhere, your DH has to back you up.Try having a chat with DH to have a united front with this behaviour

I think it's difficult, siblings do bicker - I have the same age gap (although my children live together) and whilst I think she overstepped the mark, personally I think a little bit of the way she was, is the way 11 year olds can be - as horrible and frustrating as it is.

It's not nice for your DS though, so she needs pulling up on it, but I'm not sure it's fair to expect her to totally start changing her ways - in fairness your DS will probably get his own back once he reaches that age

With regards to your DP, I think he needs to get a better handle on it, but to be fair to him it's not a fun place to be in. He wants his Daughter to visit him, he may well be aware that she might be feeling jealous, or just be having pre teenage angst etc and it's a balance for him to have a happy wife/son and a happy daughter. It doesn't make it acceptable for him to be a Disney dad though either, but it's a balancing act..

I hope it gets better for you x

@SuperPixie247

I don't really feel that it is my place to tell SD off. But DH also seems to have the same attitude towards her too .

I was an only child growing up so a bit lost when it comes to what is normal sibling bickering.

From what you've said none of this sounds particularly any different to normal sibling issues, especially when there's an age gap.

You risk projecting on to your child and being the one making him more sensitive. Rather than brushing it off, retorting or being resilient.

However, you both need an agreed approach about how you're managing behaviours of both children.

I also don't think that you're helping either of the children out by having such segregated lives. As a family unit you should be doing more together than solely at the end of the day. She can still have 1:1 time with her father, but it shouldn't be you upstairs with your previous sensitive child and him downstairs or out with the dastardly despicable daughter. I'd be trying to think of activities, or places you can do as a whole family that are easily differentiated. The beach for example. Son can play and she can be as involved as she wishes.

PS I forgot to add

Your DH screaming at you is unacceptable, whether he's feeling stressed by it all or not. Don't put up with that!!

Hi OP, I have a similar issue with my husband being over sensitive and defensive when it comes to his kids (see my post a couple of days ago). I have had to have a serious conversation with him about it and say that it's not acceptable that I can't raise issues with him without him completely over reacting. It seems to be a common theme of divorced dads unfortunately. I'm not saying I've cracked it but my advice to you would be that you shouldn't have to put up with this and that he needs to understand that you have to find a way to resolve these issues without the drama. Otherwise it just won't work.

I hate the term sibling rivalry this is bullying.
If a kid 6 years older then your son was treating you child like this at school you would be demanding the school inform you how they are protecting your son.
My brother made my life a living hello. I spent most of my childhood wishing he was dead, crying in my room and eventually wishing I was dead. I have battled with lifelong mental health issues which all track back to a childhood of fear.
Read up on sibling abuse it is on par in terms of mental health outcomes to adult abuse.
I would be very carefull in terms of continuing to expose your child to this. Oh and if shes doing this in front of you what she doing when your not in the room.

If he reacts like that then he should leave. Calmly tell him it's not on and he needs to start parenting her. Maybe do some 'family rules' together and make sure being respectful and kind is on there. If she feels involved she may be more likely to comply. If she doesn't I would start speaking up. Tell her to be kind to her brother/ not be a sore looser. Would her Mum help?

@Redwinestillfine

If he reacts like that then he should leave. Calmly tell him it's not on and he needs to start parenting her. Maybe do some 'family rules' together and make sure being respectful and kind is on there. If she feels involved she may be more likely to comply. If she doesn't I would start speaking up. Tell her to be kind to her brother/ not be a sore looser. Would her Mum help?

I also wonder if her mum would have a chat with her? I know that if DS was having issues at his Dads house I would have a chat with him about it.

Thanks everyone.

@ALevelhelp I do kind of feel for him at times. It is a difficult balancing act but some things should be more straight forward e.g. any bullying.

@aimee1987 i'm really sorry to hear about your difficult childhood. What could be going on when it is just the 2 of them is a worrying thought now.

@BusyLizzie61 I see what you are saying. It was so stressful taking them both out. We did do things like the beach, a theme park once or twice but it didn't go well so DH started taking SD to the cinema, swimming etc. Things that were more age appropriate for SD. Then covid hit and, despite DH and SD being unable to do those things, we never re-blended.

I do try to make DS less sensitive and more confident. It was mentioned in his school report a couple of weeks ago which spurred me on even more.

For the posts relating to my DH I agree his behaviour towards me on this subject is poor. He has a complete personality change and becomes totally defensive. I really don't want to break up our marriage over this though

I wouldn’t want a best friend who screamed and shouted at, refused to have a calm reasonable discussion and threatened to end the relationship if I didn’t toe the line so I definitely wouldn’t put up with that from my husband.

Your marriage isn’t good if you’re scared to talk to him because you know he’ll verbally abuse you. He behaves like this, it’s an active choice he’s making, to stop you from expressing an opinion or concern. Would he scream at his boss or a friend for bringing something up with him? I doubt it.

I’m sure you don’t want to split up but you’re basically saying you’re too scared to talk to him about how to defend your very young child from bullying in his own and only home because you know he’ll kick off and be horrible and threatening to you.

What would you say to a friend whose husband was behaving like this?

SD is a bully because her dad is a bully. Your son is quiet, sensitive and avoidant because you’re scared of his dad and both his dad and half sister don’t care that he’s happy in his own home.

From what you’ve said this is much worse than a tantrum over a board game.

DSS1 behaved like this when he was 10-11, and that was with his full sibling, DSS2. I absolutely hated watching DP and PIL make excuses for him over and over. Children need to be taught what's an okay way to express your sad feelings! I've heard an expression in my workplace, "we explain but don't excuse", regarding acting out behaviour that hurts others.

Regardless of its relationship to reality, SD is speaking her truth, and trying to communicate something. Her dad seems to be ignoring it which IMO helps nobody. This happened with us over my pregnancy, and when I finally got DP and DSC to sit down and talk about the atrocious behaviour, it turned out they had all kinds of strange fantasies like DD would have their room and they'd no longer come! Your DH needs to talk to his daughter IMO and say hey, you seem frustrated, let's talk. Then kindly and firmly tell her what is and isn't okay to say when you feel that way. Not that he seems to know himself!

My first guess would be she's struggling with jealousy over him being with her dad more than she is, and so then feeling hypersensitive to things that would normally be less of an issue. Also she probably feels like he has more of a place in her dad's family/household now than she does.

Ask DH to have a talk with her about why she gets frustrated and upset with DS to hopefully allow her to discuss those feelings.
Also setting up situations where she feels like DS likes her will probably help her feel more secure and like she has a place in the family. You could get DS to pick something little at the shop like a chocolate bar or magazine before she comes sometimes and then say 'DS picked this for you when we were at the shop because he thought you'd like it', get them doing something together (eg YouTube drawing tutorials, each making something out of air dry clay etc) where she's likely to end up being able to help him a bit and feeling like she has a big sister role. I wonder if the outburst about the board game was due to her feeling like her brother didn't want to play with her if she's already sensitive to her position in the family?

It sounds a bit extreme but I would try and make sure they aren't left alone together for any length of time as it sounds like she is getting quite resentful. Does her dad take her out/do nice things just the two of them? You should absolutely feel free to tell her not to treat your son like that. It is hard as you don't want to get into the 'evil stepmum role' put presumably you wouldn't let anyone else treat your son like that?