Approaching a problem with DH - advice please

[SuperPixie247]

I have just had a really awful contact weekend and could use the advice of stepmums on here. I know I need to talk to my DH about it but he will kick off, I'm hoping you can help me approach the topic please.

SD is 11 and DS is 5. All SD does is get on at DS. She constantly whinges to him about the way he eats, sits, breathes, if he touches the cat and on and on. If we play a board game, it descends into chaos with her literally shouting at him if he wins or makes a good move. DS is quite sensitive (perhaps too sensitive) and it really bewilders him.

Yesterday we were playing a game and after a couple of rounds DS has had enough. I offered to play a little more with her and so did DH but she rounded on DS and it was "why do we always have to do what HE wants to do?!" and all kinds of things along those lines. This is untrue, DH and I are aware of the age difference and try to plan activities around both. DH picks SD up alone and does most of the day just the two of them then coming back for tea. I do the same with DS. We do get together on occasion but not for a while.

DS and I went upstairs out of the way when she had finished her rant last night and as I was walking up the stairs I said to DS "we can play a few games and then its bedtime" and I heard her say "thank god". DS didn't hear thankfully as he would have been gutted but I heard and I didn't like it.

We had this trouble a while back which resulted in DS and I spending most of the time upstairs and him refusing to go downstairs. Then covid hit, she didn't come for a while and the comments stopped but its back now with a vengence.

All DH does is say "hey" or "come on" or, occasionally, "hes only little" but I don't think that is enough when she lays into him like last night. I know I need to speak to him about this. It is unacceptable. But he doesn't take well to situations involving SD. He is HIGHLY sensitive about this so I am expecting to be screamed at, him threaten to pack his bags, him storm out etc. I am dreading it so please any tips will be massively appreciated.

When you talk to your DH about it he shouldn't be dismissing it though, it's best to be on the same page. Could you try and frame it as equally being concerned about her happiness?

I’m guessing your DS is now at the age that DSD was when he was born? It sounds like deep-seated insecurity (from your DH as well) and if it’s quite infrequent contact - sounds like EOW rather than 50/50? - and Covid also stopped contact (why?) then it is going to be hard. But I think you need to approach from empathy not telling off, laying down the law hard etc.

I know I need to speak to him about this. It is unacceptable. But he doesn't take well to situations involving SD. He is HIGHLY sensitive about this so I am expecting to be screamed at, him threaten to pack his bags, him storm out etc. I am dreading it so please any tips will be massively appreciated.

It’s completely unacceptable for him to react this way. He’s clearly riddled with guilt - is it justified? Could he do more? To be perfectly honest I struggle to see how he can be great if he ever threatens to leave!

@BlueBarge

My first guess would be she's struggling with jealousy over him being with her dad more than she is, and so then feeling hypersensitive to things that would normally be less of an issue. Also she probably feels like he has more of a place in her dad's family/household now than she does.

Ask DH to have a talk with her about why she gets frustrated and upset with DS to hopefully allow her to discuss those feelings.
Also setting up situations where she feels like DS likes her will probably help her feel more secure and like she has a place in the family. You could get DS to pick something little at the shop like a chocolate bar or magazine before she comes sometimes and then say 'DS picked this for you when we were at the shop because he thought you'd like it', get them doing something together (eg YouTube drawing tutorials, each making something out of air dry clay etc) where she's likely to end up being able to help him a bit and feeling like she has a big sister role. I wonder if the outburst about the board game was due to her feeling like her brother didn't want to play with her if she's already sensitive to her position in the family?

I totally agree with this

I don't think her behaviour is acceptable, it needs addressing, but first someone needs to get to the bottom of her behaviour. Is it her age? Has she got something else going on elsewhere in her life? Is she jealous of you or your DS?. It's important to try and get to the bottom of it, for all of your sakes.

I think it's very difficult. There's sometimes on here and air of children from broken relationships should be able to cope with every scenario, when actually she is just a child. It's about getting the balance right of not making her think she's more important because she's at her Dads house(that doesn't help anyone!), but also cutting her a bit of slack for trying to deal with big feelings that she maybe does know how to deal with.

@SuperPixie247

Our relationship is usually excellent. He is my best friend and we can speak about anything. He turns into a different person when it concerns SD

It was SD who suggested the board game which I thought was lovely. Next time I will have better expectations I guess!

How you have described his reaction when you raise this does not square up with him him being a good person at all. They sound as horrendous as each other.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I wouldn’t want a best friend who screamed and shouted at, refused to have a calm reasonable discussion and threatened to end the relationship if I didn’t toe the line so I definitely wouldn’t put up with that from my husband.

Your marriage isn’t good if you’re scared to talk to him because you know he’ll verbally abuse you. He behaves like this, it’s an active choice he’s making, to stop you from expressing an opinion or concern. Would he scream at his boss or a friend for bringing something up with him? I doubt it.

I’m sure you don’t want to split up but you’re basically saying you’re too scared to talk to him about how to defend your very young child from bullying in his own and only home because you know he’ll kick off and be horrible and threatening to you.

What would you say to a friend whose husband was behaving like this?

SD is a bully because her dad is a bully. Your son is quiet, sensitive and avoidant because you’re scared of his dad and both his dad and half sister don’t care that he’s happy in his own home.

From what you’ve said this is much worse than a tantrum over a board game.

Absolutely spot on.

It might help to set some rules at the start of the game. No sulking or being a bad loser.

You could also try some games where the kids are one team and you and DH on another...and 'let' them win...at least the first game, so they're united on one side.

I know this advice isn't about talking to your DH, but it might help a little bit.

I suspect she's just jealous of DS, but where you say you can't tell her off, you could just talk to her and say something like...that wasn't very nice and try teaching kindness towards her little brother. Obviously do this talk when DS isn't there.

Sometimes little siblings can be annoying, but perhaps approach it from a POV..of "I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone spoke to you like that "... teaching empathy in a calm way...where she feels safe and not attacked. Using a soft gentle tone with her.

He is HIGHLY sensitive about this so I am expecting to be screamed at, him threaten to pack his bags, him storm out etc.

I'm assuming he's done this in the past when you've raised an issue about his DD?

If so, that's not a good sign. Being defensive and protective is one thing, but to scream at you and threaten to leave is on another level.

Thanks for all the advice. I didn't speak to DH about it yesterday as I need to speak to him when DS is at school or out of the house.

I was probably too emotional to talk too but I have calmed down a bit now.

We did all used to do things together but it got too stressful so DH began taking SD to "older" activities. When Covid hit, he couldn't do those activities but we never reblended.

I have a similar age gap with my kids. I don't think this is a step sibling issue at all, it's a DH issue.

Our eldest can be the same and we've had to adopt a no tolerance attitude. Everytime eldest DD starts bossing youngest around its corrected. If we let it slide at all it creeps up and up.

Your husband has to have your back with regards to discipline and his daughter. There is no way you should be upstairs all the time again.

Does he take her out and do different things with her one on one? I've found with that sort of age gap they need and want different things so whilst we do family things we also do separate things.

Sorry the 2nd page didn't load when I commented so see they do do seperate things.

There needs to be a balance, split for an afternoon and get together in the evening but mostly he needs to nip this behaviour in the bud.

I'd tell her myself if I were you OP. As a blended family, I don't agree that only the parent can call out their child for bad behaviour. She's in your house, being unreasonable to your DS - you're completely entitled to tell her you won't stand for it. If that puts DH nose out, so be it?! You may not be her parent, but you play a significant role in her life and her behaviour is causing stress to both you and your DS. Why should you both suffer to appease DSD and DH? It will only get worse as she gets older.

Im not saying lose your shit, but make it clear you won't tolerate her behaviour. I do this with my two DSD but in the same way I would also call out poor behaviour from my nieces! I feel like we're genuinely in an era where kids govern day to day life and it's beyond me!

I completly agree with @cherrytreecottage and @solasta. Take a zero tolerence approach to this.
In terms of how to adress ot with DH look up sibling abuse and if it fits the bill highlight to him how detrimental it is to your DS.

You asked what I fear she may be doing when your not around is to just escalate her behaviour to physical bullying and or more verbal abuse. I am using the terms abuse and bullying as it is what you are describing. If this was happening in an adult workplace it would be called harassment and if it was happening in an adult relationship it would be called domestic abuse.

I think it's very difficult. There's sometimes on here and air of children from broken relationships should be able to cope with every scenario, when actually she is just a child. It's about getting the balance right of not making her think she's more important because she's at her Dads house(that doesn't help anyone!), but also cutting her a bit of slack for trying to deal with big feelings that she maybe does know how to deal with.
That's interesting because on here I see the opposite. I think on here you get alot of "well dont you know how hard it is to be a stepchild" with the behaviour of stepkids being ignored rather then addressed. The only stepparent issue I see here is her DHs failure to parent. Sibling rivalry ( or abuse) is a common theme across many families and my advise is the same to highlight how detrimental this actually is and to encourage parents to clamp down on it.