Am I being sensitive or mean?

[Lulola]

I’m worn out, I went to the doctors yesterday because I’ve got an eye infection, cold, two cold sores and zero energy. They’ve said it’s all caused by exhaustion and being run down and have told me to rest. Told DP who pointed out how much busier he is than me. We do the same job, his commute is 30mins longer than mine each way. I get home before him and leave after though so obviously he must be more tired - I’m so much more than tired.

Last night his 11 year old wouldn’t stay in bed, it was ridiculous, at 1am she was in the spare room looking for a book, I told her to stay in bed and not get back up. 10 minutes later she was back up putting music on and this woke the dog up who was then barking. I woke DP up to deal with it because I had spent the last two hours being kept awake by his daughter. Within 10 minutes he was asleep again and I had to go in and confiscate her phone because she had loud videos on. He is such a heavy sleeper, he would deal with it if he was awake but he just doesn’t hear her.

This morning he was nagging me to get up so we could walk the dogs because we enjoy doing it together, his daughter was still in bed. Eventually I got up and grabbed a towel to get a shower as his daughter emerged. She grabbed the towel and said it’s hers, I’ve used it hundreds of times over the years and this has never been brought to my attention. I said well I used it yesterday so I will wash it after my shower so you can have it back, she yanked it and said you don’t have my permission to use it. I lost it and went in her bedroom and took everything back of mine, we’ve always got on well so I’ve always been happy for her to use my stuff.

She’s gone to DP and told him I’m in a mood with her over nothing. I’ve told him what happened and he’s said I’m being unnecessarily mean, we’re not currently talking and I’m being firm on keeping my stuff. She’s asked me 3 times to use my hairdryer because it’s better than hers and he’s come in and asked me, I’ve also told her to take my T-shirt off because I don’t want her borrowing it (she always wears my clothes to her Mums and forgets to bring them back).

Am I being harsh? I know it’s only a towel and the fact I’m worn out is probably clouding my judgment. My new plan is to spend the day in bed amongst the random floods of tears I keep finding myself in!

Nah not mean she’s being a brat.

No, you're not being mean. Have a day in bed. Order yourself a takeaway. Let him deal with her, she's being a brat

I would have been exactly the same with my DD. Her behaviour is not good.

No you're not being mean, sounds like you're teaching her an excellent lesson.

Your partner sounds pretty inconsiderate.

She's a brat and your DP is a dick.

Tell her she is not to wear your clothes anymore and make sure she takes them off each time.

If she wants clothes like your then your DP can buy them specifically for her.

Also next time your DP says his commute is 30 minutes longer than yours so he must be more tired, ask him if he menstruates every month.

If he does understand why that is an issue simply tell him as he has a daughter who is 11 then he need reads up on periods. It is his job to help his daughter deal with them not you as you are not her parent.

She sounds so selfish

Yanbu. If I was you, finances allowing, I would bugger off to a hotel for a few nights.

Also next time your DP says his commute is 30 minutes longer than yours so he must be more tired, ask him if he menstruates every month.

If he does understand why that is an issue simply tell him as he has a daughter who is 11 then he need reads up on periods. It is his job to help his daughter deal with them not you as you are not her parent.

I have just read the OPs post again, and I still don’t see how this is relevant Am I missing something?

No, you’re not being mean at all OP. Your step daughter is behaving unacceptably and your partner is being useless. I hope you feel better soon

Is there anywhere else you can stay because I would be packing a bag and going somewhere I could relax and be looked after not abused, be littled and put upon. No wonder you're feeling so poorly.

You should have stayed in bed, because you clearly need the rest. He could have walked the dogs on his own. It's like he bullied you into getting up and his response to your trip to the doctor shows how uncaring he is.

Your exhaustion (and probably his reaction) has reduced you to grabbing your stuff back and it sounds more like a sister to sister argument, than a stepparent and 11 year old.

Sorry you’re so ill and hope you’re on the mend soon.

It sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back and not before time. She thinks what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is hers and you can see where she gets it from. He’s failing her badly to let her behave like such a complete brat and he needs to stop being such a selfish jerk quickly or I’d be considering my options.

Take this weekend to demand and insist on some proper down time to rest and mend. You need calm, quiet and to do whatever makes you happy. No cooking, no dog walks, no housework. Leave them to it and focus on yourself.

I’m already planning my takeaway - although probably not the best idea for a meal considering I’m such a mess, I probably would benefit from a few vitamins.

The commute comment annoyed me, I get home from work and walk the dog. So we are both out of the house just as long, it’s not like I have an extra hour a day of sitting down watching tv. Even if I did, it doesn’t change how my body has responded.

She’s going to her mums at 2, hopefully she will be in a better mood by Thursday.

She’s asked me 3 times to use my hairdryer because it’s better than hers

Response = after the way you behaved, no, you can't use my hairdryer and you're not allowed to use anything else of mine without my permission.

You're not being mean at all! She sounds difficult and your dp is doing fuck all about it

Why is he competitive tirednessing with you when you have been told by a doctor whats going on and what you should do.

It actually doesn't matter if he is doing double the amount of hours if you are not feeling well. Also not feeling well and how many hours you work is not necessarily linear or transactional.

You need some rest and to feel supported and that he is concerned for your well being. Or you risk burnout.

He needs to find his empathy and quick. You dont need his permission to look after yourself though.

And no she is bad mannered. If my daughter behaved like that to her step mother i would be appalled!

She's being horrible, your hubs being useless, and they're both being inconsiderate and shitty. Your sd's behaviour is really shit. Your h needs to be in charge and sort out her bedtime etc. Ridiculous.

Yanbu. Stay in bed today and get your h to step up.

She was told to go to bed at 9:30 last night and fell asleep straight away. Her phone is supposed to be turned off and left on her desk but she left it under her pillow and it woke her up and then apparently she couldn’t get back to sleep - so then decided I couldn’t either!

He came up and asked if I wanted him to get in bed and watch a film together when she goes to her Mums, I responded saying the last thing I need it to lay next to you when I’m trying to rest and listen to you snore when you’ve contributed to me feeling like shit.

Oh op I'm sorry your so poorly and run down. Everyone reacts to fatigue differently. Your dp is a knob for not getting up and dealing with dsc. It's also not ideal for her as she needs sleep. We have a zero eltroncis after 9pm.rules and non in bedrooms or the idler owes would sit on games /calls and not sleep.
My dp does comptetative tiredness, makes me want to murder him tbh!

I don’t blame you for reacting that way; what’s her consequence for keeping you up and talking to you in that way?

Her phone needs to be left downstairs, turned off, when she goes to bed.
He’s her parent, he needs to make it happen.

YANBU at all. He needs to step up and put some rules in place for her and get up and deal with her in the night.

I responded saying the last thing I need it to lay next to you when I’m trying to rest and listen to you snore when you’ve contributed to me feeling like shit.

Excellent response.

I’ve hobbies that I do in my free time that he pointed out contribute to how I feel, but I’ve had 3 weeks off from them because I’m tired and have lost motivation as a result. I think this is why he’s lacking sympathy.

Next time she’s up all night I might flush her phone down the toilet so that they can see what mean looks like!

I'd be rethinking the relationship, honestly. Why deal with all of this shit with his brat of a daughter when he can't even be bothered to parent her properly? I'd be moving on.

When she's round, go to bed in earplugs so he wakes and you don't. The mouldable silicone ones you get for swimming work against sound and they're super comfortable as well as coming in funky colours.

She's got possessive first, so calmly showing her what happens when people get grabby counts as a life lesson. As long as you're firm and calm with your, "No, that's mine, you don't have my permission to use it," using her own words with no apology or explanation, you are being neither mean nor sensitive, I reckon.

She's at a difficult age, and what she's doing is essentially a bid to colonise your space and take the alpha female spot in the household. You hold all the cards here.

I advise making a lockable space in your room for your best makeup, hairdryer etc, anything she might decide to commandeer.

While your at it, why not order yourself a bunch of top quality towels, Christie or something really good, in a luscious girly colour and keep them exclusively for you?

If you're feeling saintly, you could order the same for her in a distinctly different colour. If she grumbles about the colour, send them back or keep them locked up for guests or for yourself.

She's 11; she can't outsmart you.