Am I being sensitive or mean?

[Lulola]

I’m worn out, I went to the doctors yesterday because I’ve got an eye infection, cold, two cold sores and zero energy. They’ve said it’s all caused by exhaustion and being run down and have told me to rest. Told DP who pointed out how much busier he is than me. We do the same job, his commute is 30mins longer than mine each way. I get home before him and leave after though so obviously he must be more tired - I’m so much more than tired.

Last night his 11 year old wouldn’t stay in bed, it was ridiculous, at 1am she was in the spare room looking for a book, I told her to stay in bed and not get back up. 10 minutes later she was back up putting music on and this woke the dog up who was then barking. I woke DP up to deal with it because I had spent the last two hours being kept awake by his daughter. Within 10 minutes he was asleep again and I had to go in and confiscate her phone because she had loud videos on. He is such a heavy sleeper, he would deal with it if he was awake but he just doesn’t hear her.

This morning he was nagging me to get up so we could walk the dogs because we enjoy doing it together, his daughter was still in bed. Eventually I got up and grabbed a towel to get a shower as his daughter emerged. She grabbed the towel and said it’s hers, I’ve used it hundreds of times over the years and this has never been brought to my attention. I said well I used it yesterday so I will wash it after my shower so you can have it back, she yanked it and said you don’t have my permission to use it. I lost it and went in her bedroom and took everything back of mine, we’ve always got on well so I’ve always been happy for her to use my stuff.

She’s gone to DP and told him I’m in a mood with her over nothing. I’ve told him what happened and he’s said I’m being unnecessarily mean, we’re not currently talking and I’m being firm on keeping my stuff. She’s asked me 3 times to use my hairdryer because it’s better than hers and he’s come in and asked me, I’ve also told her to take my T-shirt off because I don’t want her borrowing it (she always wears my clothes to her Mums and forgets to bring them back).

Am I being harsh? I know it’s only a towel and the fact I’m worn out is probably clouding my judgment. My new plan is to spend the day in bed amongst the random floods of tears I keep finding myself in!

Or just give her all the old towels she was being grabby about. She can't complain about that but they just won't be covetable any more. 😉

OP your dp's commute doesn't really matter does it? The fact is you are worn out and you need a rest. Currently it doesn't sound like he is exhausted so he doesn't need a big rest.

If he doesn't understand that you need to either take to your bed & look after yourself or go somewhere you can.

I really hope you feel better soon. Xxx

The towel is damp on her bedroom floor.... I personally wouldn’t use a towel after someone with an eye infection and cold sores, she might regret her decision!

DP is normally ok, I think he is tired too so doesn’t want the hassle, but that doesn’t she should be allowed to get away with whatever she wants. Usually I nudge him to do her bedding and washing before she comes again and I’m tempted to just leave it this week.... but then again next week she might come back as her nice, normal self and I don’t want to drag a ridiculous argument out for no reason.

She sounds like an annoying brat. But she's a kid, you're an adult.

Why are you squabbling with a child? You're the grown up so start acting like a responsible adult and lead by example

Petty silly behaviour

Sounds like a bit of pre teen angst with the towel thing. I would forgive her that but your DH is the real culprit here. He deals with his own DD from now on.

@coffeefi

She sounds like an annoying brat. But she's a kid, you're an adult.

Why are you squabbling with a child? You're the grown up so start acting like a responsible adult and lead by example

Petty silly behaviour

I don't think it is petty, tbh. Some of the suggestions people have made in the comments would be in practice, but illustrating to kids how unkind their attitude is by treating them in that same manner is a really useful parenting tool I use all the time. So fine if she wants to play the "you don't have my permission" card, but watch what happens if other people do the same. It's far more effective than just telling them off, I don't think it's petty at all.

aSofaNearYou I agree, as long as it's done in a factual and calm way I think it is very effective. I think OP has been more than generous sharing her stuff and DSD needs to learn now she is getting older that if you start treating people badly they will be less reluctant to help.

She sounds like an annoying brat. But she's a kid, you're an adult.

Why are you squabbling with a child? You're the grown up so start acting like a responsible adult and lead by example

Petty silly behaviour

I agree. This played out more like a sibling squabble.

It was a culmination of:

• your tirednes
• SDs noise waking you up in the
middle of the night
• being ill
• the lack of support from your DP
• being nagged to wake up

Of course your SD didn't behave well, but your response wasn't the best towards an 11 year old, however some pp who never believe a SM can do wrong, will support you no matter what and it's just ridiculous IMO.

as long as it's done in a factual and calm way I think it is very effective.
I think OP has been more than generous sharing her stuff and DSD needs to learn now she is getting older that if you start treating people badly they will be less reluctant to help.

This is spot on.

Not in a the anger fueled manner this was done, when you really should have stayed in bed to rest.

however some pp who never believe a SM can do wrong, will support you no matter what and it's just ridiculous IMO.

There are plenty of people on MN who criticise pretty much everything that step mothers do though, so it might well balance out in the end.

It would have been better if the OP had said something along the lines of “OK, well sharing works both ways, so if we’re not sharing things anymore then that’s fine. Please could you go and get all of my things from your room, including my toiletries, and bring them out here and then take off my t shirt and put it in the wash” but I don’t blame her for ‘snapping’ a bit when she is ill and fed up and her partner is not helping at all. I also imagine that her SD would have refused or kicked up a fuss which would have caused the OP additional stress.

I don’t know where the bit about toiletries came from! I had it in my head that she liked to use your toiletries, make up etc., but that must have been another poster!

HalfTermHalfTerm I agree, and also not surprised OP got a bit snappy given the circumstances.

Usually I nudge him to do her bedding and washing before she comes again and I’m tempted to just leave it this week regardless of what happened this week I would stop doing that. He is capable of doing the washing himself. Although I say this as someone who reminded her DH FIVE times one week and he still forgot!

Well on this I will go against the grain. I think you’re playing tit for tat with an eleven year old child and have brought yourself down to her level. I do not believe that teaching a child their behaviour is wrong is indulging in it yourself,,and then some.

The adult way to handle it is to talk to her. To remind her she wouldn’t let you have the towel but you let her borrow your things. To explain to her about her behaviour.

However you’re ill and your partner sounds like a wanker, his daughter is behaving like a typical eleven year old who is unsettled and unhappy and so I can understand why you’re reacting as you are.

It's hard to know where to start, so I'll start with the easy but!

Do not chivvy him along to change her bed, he knows it needs doing, it's up to him if he bothers or not and if she doesn't want to sleep in the same sheets again she needs to get into the habit of stripping the bed before she leaves and DH needs to get into the habit of making it up before she comes BACK without you having to remind him!

You're unwell, you need peace & quiet not being up half the night with an inconsiderate 11 year old. She behaved like a complete brat & id have told her in no uncertain words to get back to bed & be QUIET.

WTAF was he nagging you to get up to walk the dogs? Surely he could have just taken them himself this morning??

It doesn't matter what hours he's working, you're run down and need rest. End of!

With the towel, I'd have told her not to be so bloody cheeky.

The pair of them re the hairdryer WTAF.

Nomore helping herself to your stuff!

Don't spend the rest of the afternoon crying 💐🍫

She doesn't sound unsettled & unhappy!

She sounds like a moody, bratty teen who's pushing buttons & needs to be taught some manners!
If any of my lot had ever carried on like that they'd have gotten short shrift, & I'm not surprised op snapped. There's nothing worse than feeling poorly & not being allowed rest properly.
Every man I've ever known has done this. I say I'm unwell/tired/whatever but they're always MORE unwell/tired/whatever. There's a reason the term 'Manflu' exists.

She doesn't sound unsettled & unhappy! She sounds like a moody, bratty teen who's pushing buttons & needs to be taught some manners

Silly me. Never look for a reason behind a young girls poor behaviour. Hurl abuse at her on line instead.

I think you need to work out boundaries and roles. You refer to his 11 year old, not your step daughter. This implies that you have no firm direct relationship with her. Your DP does have a direct relationship with her but he absented himself.

Maybe he left parenting to her mother and is now leaving parenting (of his daughter) to you when she stays over.

The pattern of males sleeping deeply as an excuse but then demanding the sleep deprived (and ill) female performs the next day as expected is very common. It never bodes well.

It could have been different. It should have been different. You are feeling guilty for behaving badly in a situation that should never arisen. The focus has been shifted from what he did wrong to what you did wrong.

Personally I would ditch him now but if you are not sure then use the same tactics. Sleep works for him so fake deep sleep/wear ear plugs. His daughter making noise, dog barking - not your problem. Let it go. Worse case scenario the daughter is awake all night, the dog barks itself mute and pisses on the floor. None of which you have to deal with because you are having a lie in. Because your GP said you need to rest.

Silly me. Never look for a reason behind a young girls poor behaviour. Hurl abuse at her on line instead.

Indeed.

Sometimes behaviour is inappropriate, but there are mitigating circumstances. The OPs behaviour is an example of that.

The partner behaved like an uncaring PITA yesterday and today, but when his DD behaved inappropriately, she got the brunt if it. Some may say the kid is an easier target.

No reason for OP to be readying an 11yo's room. If her DF doesn't sort it unprompted, let her find it how she left it. She's started treating OP like room service!

Silly me. Never look for a reason behind a young girls poor behaviour. Hurl abuse at her on line instead.

People constantly say that teenagers are habitually rude and selfish, and yet some are determined to think that each and every one of them must be unhappy or unsettled and there must be a "reason". A lot of the time they are surely just living up to the stereotype.

Well said @aSofaNearYou.
And @Bluntness100 no one is hurling abuse at her.

Furthermore the op says she knows her reaction could have been better but god forbid anyone cut her some slack for being unwell!
Some of the comments here are ridiculous.

I’ve been asleep all afternoon, I still feel ill but my eyes have stopped burning. I’ve told DP that I want a decent night sleep tonight too with nothing waking me up, he’s going to get in the spare bed so that I have peace.

DP spoke to her Mum when he dropped her off and she said she’s been sulking all week because she broke her laptop and got told it wouldn’t be replaced because she had been warned about balancing it on the edge of things and ignored her, then dropped it and cracked the screen.

I am going to insist she doesn’t wear my clothes anymore, it annoys me when I try and find something that I don’t even know she’s taken and she’s left it at her mums. I don’t actually care about my hair dryer or anything, I will suggest she is responsible for her own towels now that she seems to be so concerned about it and I am going to buy myself some bath sheets.

I will be a pain in the arse in future and wake DP up everytime so he can see how broken and little sleep I have.

We’ve got on well since I met her when she was 3, so the people making out that we don’t have a relationship because of how I described who she was... you are miles off the mark. I don’t normally have to deal with her behaviour because there aren’t normally issues, but when there are DP sorts it.

Why not go and stay somewhere else each weekend she’s there, for a month or two? She’s there to have contact with her father, and your boyfriend urgently needs to figure out how to parent her.

There's no need for her ever to be wearing your clothes