That went well...

[WineandWellies]

I reached the end of my tether this morning, I've been ill with a chest infection for 2 weeks which is getting worse instead of better, on antibiotics now and called in work sick, which isn't something I do often.

Partner still decides to do his morning disappearing act for an hour to start his work, leaving me alone getting the kids ready for school, only reappearing when its time to take them and expecting them all fed and dressed and ready to go.

Beyond peed off, and not prepared to be jumped all over and bickered at for an hour, I dragged myself out of my sick bed and went for a very long walk I didn't feel up to, returning about the time they need to go to school. Cue lots of him running about because hair hasn't been brushed, teeth hasn't been brushed, littlest wearing no tights and odd socks etc. If I hadn't made the lunches the day before and got uniforms prepared then that would've been a last minute issue too.

I raised the idea of sending them to breakfast club (mostly to make a point tbh, not with any real intent for this to happen), so he could take them an hour early and then start work if he regularly isn't available to parent them, instead of dumping them on me, and that went down like a lead balloon.

Tirade that he's a dad and has responsibilities, and doesn't get to see them all the time anyway so he's not shipping them off. I replied that he isn't seeing them much when they're here anyway, so it would make no odds.

Apparently he would also leave them to get themselves ready whether I was or wasn't here, because its just his style of parenting (the 11 year old maybe, but the 4 and a half yo?)

Then it was a guilt trip about how much they like me and gravitate towards me, which is why I get so bombarded by them (I do, they're very full on kids, even the older one, and don't seem able to entertain themselves for even a small amount of time).

Its really threatening the close and happy relationship I have with the kids, because I'm becoming more and more resentful and snappy, and also I'm effing off every time I sense that they're going to be dumped on me. I'm worried about this damaging the kids, I'm worried how overwhelmed I feel. I can't even have a moan to my mum, because I've faced infertility issues in the past and her outlook is basically be grateful that you have kids in your life and welcome to motherhood.

Sorry I don't think I'm even looking for advice, I just feel rubbish about it all and wanted a rant :(

He's taking total advantage of you and doesn't even care that you're sick. Fuck that guy. This is someone you want to have a child with? He's taking you for a mug and you're allowing it, I'm afraid. He cares far more about free childcare than he does about you.

I would think he was a bit of dickhead for not giving me rest in the morning when I was ill even if they were joint kids, tbh, the fact that he's done it with stepkids is just mind boggling cheeky and inconsiderate.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your comments and reassurance that I'm not blowing it out of proportion. The kids are with us this weekend through till Monday, so I'll be doing some stepping back and seeing what happens. I do have a couple of hours planned of something nice for us to do.

He’s done the classic divorced dad thing of finding another woman to take over parenting for him.

Don’t have a child with him unless he changes.

If you do run for the hills, he will have another woman lined up to do the work ASAP, as he doesn’t want to do it himself.

This man is auditioning for a role as husband/partner to you and father to your dc. And almost immediately, you find that he ...

1. is an ineffective parent to his dc.
2. believes that raising children is women's work, even when the woman in question is not the mother.
3. believes his job is more important than your budding career, and more important than his dc.
4. uses emotional manipulation or outright lies to trap you in the role of fulltime parent.

I gotta say, I am not hopeful. He would need to do a complete 180 to be the person for the role. And maybe he will. But now you should be thinking, No. No baby with this man. Not based on current evidence.

If he really, truly, completely changes? Great! But we all know that does not usually happen.

It's feckin disappointing. And I'm sorry.

@FishyFriday sorry to hear you were in a similar situation. Does your partner resent you for sticking firm with your boundaries or has he just gotten used to it? How did you first approach it with him? I'm not sure how to quote but you said:
And don't feel you need to put yourself out by going for a walk you don't feel like. It's absolutely fine for you to sit in bed with a cup of coffee reading the news while he gets on with the work of being a parent.

Only problem there is that the kids really do gravitate towards me, so if I tried to stay in bed they'd be in with me jumping all over me and bickering (incidentally what happened this morning). If my partner says he's going out into the garden, they don't want to go, but if I'm going out into the garden, they follow me like little shadows. If my partner sits and plays on his phone, he gets left alone, but if I try that I get climbed all over. I cook tea with both of them hanging off me.

I have to literally leave to get any space, and as an introvert I find that really difficult. And then I feel bad as they ask to come with me and I have to say no, then feel guilty.

I think the poor things are a bit attention deprived, from both mum and dads side.

You’re right that you shouldn’t have to leave your home as the only way to get out of being left with all the work, he and they need to remember they managed fine without you. But for now, and especially once you’re feeling better (and it’s been shitting it down here today so not good weather for walking) I’d keep doing it to make the point. Then transition gradually to being in the house but staying well out of it. If they come to you asking about socks or teeth you need to say and repeat as often as needed “ask your Dad. I don’t know, ask your dad”.

Having said all that, I’ve been a stepmum a long time and if DH had pulled anything like this I’d have chucked him and run. I adore him, I’m very fond of his children, but he’s their dad, they come primarily to see him, the day he assumed I’d do his job for him I’d have walked.

I enjoy ducking in and out, and “family life” especially in the early days is having holidays with them, movie nights, reading with them if you want to, teaching them how to bake if he doesn’t already and you’re that way inclined - it’s not the morning school rush or bullshit like that. It’s really not.

Step right back. And see how he takes it. Any guilt tripping or grief and just bin the whole thing off. It’s not even about dating a parent. As I said, I did that and grew to love how amazing DH was with them. I respect and admire how he is as a dad hugely and that’s why I wanted to have a child with him. If he’d been lazy and shit and tried to offload his responsibilities onto me I wouldn’t have wanted to be with him and certainly wouldn’t have risked a baby with him. If yours in unable or unwilling to care for his existing children what chance he’ll be a decent dad to a shared baby or a decent partner to you as it’s mum? Literally fucking zero.

X post. Even his own kids think he’s not worth bothering with.

Can I ask what’s so fantastic about him and this relationship that is keeping you there? If a friend was in your shoes - leaving the house ill to get a break, cooking for two children who aren’t yours with them hanging off you while their dad plays on his phone - what advice would you give her?!

It’s not flattering his kids are all over you. It’s a glowing beacon signalling what a useless dad your boyfriend is. That is not a good thing.

Only problem there is that the kids really do gravitate towards me, so if I tried to stay in bed they'd be in with me jumping all over me and bickering (incidentally what happened this morning).

This is purely a discipline thing. They need to be taught not to barge in in the morning when someone is still in bed. This is something my DD and DSS both know.

[quote WineandWellies]@FishyFriday sorry to hear you were in a similar situation. Does your partner resent you for sticking firm with your boundaries or has he just gotten used to it? How did you first approach it with him? I'm not sure how to quote but you said:
And don't feel you need to put yourself out by going for a walk you don't feel like. It's absolutely fine for you to sit in bed with a cup of coffee reading the news while he gets on with the work of being a parent.

Only problem there is that the kids really do gravitate towards me, so if I tried to stay in bed they'd be in with me jumping all over me and bickering (incidentally what happened this morning). If my partner says he's going out into the garden, they don't want to go, but if I'm going out into the garden, they follow me like little shadows. If my partner sits and plays on his phone, he gets left alone, but if I try that I get climbed all over. I cook tea with both of them hanging off me.

I have to literally leave to get any space, and as an introvert I find that really difficult. And then I feel bad as they ask to come with me and I have to say no, then feel guilty.

I think the poor things are a bit attention deprived, from both mum and dads side.[/quote]
He's improved insofar as he's accepted doing it. But he desperately wants to paint me as the villain because I just let him enjoy the full parenting experience with his older kids. I mean, that's what contact is for. It's his chance to parent them.

He fails to appreciate what a favour I'm doing him by letting him get the full parenting experience. 😂

It is OK to draw boundaries like it letting the kids in your room. And you don't have to let them climb all over you. You are introverted and probably need the space to withdraw to. But even if you're not, it's your bedroom and it's find for that to just be for you and him.

If they come in, maybe send them to find daddy. That is useful for all occasions. If they are following you, they can follow him instead. If he doesn't give them the attention, then he's at fault. It's not your job to make up for deficits in his parenting. As you've found, you end up doing it all while he gets to do what he likes.

Do think carefully about his ideas about parenting. He won't get better if you have your own children. He may well get worse. If you think the SC are a bit attention starved, do you want that for your own children? Do you want to be the one making up for their father's lack of interest?

That is actually something I've come to realise about my H. He is lazy and pretty apathetic about parenting. He'd rather not do it (and will definitely palm it off whenever possible). His ideas about what parenting is supposed to be like, I've realised, are just not the same as mine.

I didn't realise until I had DS3 that he (and his ex) see the kids as something to be passed between them so that they can go and do more interesting things. Or farmed out to babysitters for the same reason. Spending time with and looking after them is what you do because you have to, and really you want to leave them with the other parent so you can exercise/go out/go on weekends away etc. Bedtime is a chore to be done rather than anything else.

It's entirely the opposite of how I always approached parenthood. Yes, sometimes you want a break etc. But my ex and I shared bedtimes because we both wanted to do it, but because it's was something that needed to be done so you can get time off next time. That difference in attitude is totally fundamental - and I think helps to explain why he's so resentful at having to spend contact with his children. The entire time. He genuinely seems to think that's an imposition and not the whole purpose of contact.

Anyway, my advice would definitely be to not be afraid to have boundaries. It's not going to scar the children emotionally if you have time and space that isn't devoted to them. And to think very carefully about whether his part-time parenting is what you'd want FT (and that's the best case scenario).

They gravitate towards you because their Dad does bugger all with them.

You need to send them to their Dad. You're sat in bed, tell them to see Dad. Their hungry, go and see Dad, want to play, go and see Dad. It'll be difficult to start with but they will get there.

I agree with what other pp have said. This is how he will behave when you have dc, if you're happy to do ALL the work with the dc whilst he swans around pleasing himself . If he steps up to the plate with his own dc, with no complaining, great, it's a boundary issue, if he doesn't and it causes issues between you, then this is him.

I think the fact that the children gravitate towards you and not their dad speaks volumes to be honest.
He needs to up his game.

If his first children have more of a bond with you than him that says all you need to know. Don't have a child with someone who has such little impact in the lives of the one he already has.

Of course there is a way to backtrack.

Find some child free time to have a CNN proper conversation and say exactly what you have said here. It's all been very rushed and what you originally offered as favours have warped into expectation.

If stop at the point to establish whether he accepts this version q

He is consciously or unconsciously makes no matter, just treating you as the default parent this is really not acceptable in this situation.

Agree a new way forward and if he can't agree then just go back to doing nothing.

Good luck. The entitlement is just breathtaking.

First screaming meltdown of the weekend. The kids, not me. They literally can't go 5 minutes without trying to kill each other, is this normal? I remember bickering with my sister but I don't think we we're ever this bad.

Anyway, practically frog-marched them, still bawling to find their dad and told him that they're like wild bloody animals and to sort it out. He's occupying them for now. But I've still been in the position that I was left with them alone again, just by circumstance of me being here.

I was looking forward to weekend and now I'm just royally f**d off again. I'll do the activity I planned tomorrow with them because it involves my friends and their children, as they're supposed to be coming here, but the rest of the time I'll be making myself scarce or busy. If I have another meltdown like that though I'll change my plans and meet my friends on my own.

I’d move out again
Could not put up with his piss poor laziness

If he treated his ex in the same manner, making it all her job, no wonder he was 'available' to get together with you.

Just tell him they are his children and he needs to be the primary sorter of them, end of.

Wonder why he split with his ex?

Wonder why he found another woman to move in really quite quickly?

Sorry.

Well it's not sunk in just yet. I've come to work an hour and a half early as he was about to do disappearing act. No skin off my nose, I have work to catch up on.

His illusion of "the kids getting themselves ready" and their being independent is about to be shattered, as the difference between this time and last is that I've not made packed lunches, or done anything at all with the uniforms that will have been thrown on the floor on Friday night or any of the other bits I do to make sure things run smoothly. He can parent how he wants, he's made that clear, but it's not for me to be there dealing with the consequences of that just by default of me being the only one available.

I also disappeared for the day most of yesterday and I'll continue to make plans that don't involve me being there for much of the time until either a "new normal" happens and he steps up, or until I've had enough I guess.

In fairness, and knowing our relationship, I don't think it's the reason why he is with me, I really don't, but I do think he's pushing the boundaries big time - like a toddler playing up to see what he can get away with.

Well done for drawing your line in the sand and sticking to it.

No doubt he'll be questioning why the magic fairies haven't done the laundry and packed lunches, but if he has any sense he won't actually ask you why you didn't do them as that would be admitting he assumes you will do his parenting for him.

Stay strong and hopefully he'll buck his ideas up, but if not then you know you'd be better off without him.

Please make sure you are using contraception... He sounds such a flakey df....
Can't imagine going home tonight will be fun..

Hold firm OP. You are doing the right thing setting boundaries. Don't think of it as trying to force him to change but as trying to find a situation where you are able to stay in the relationship.

It won't be smooth sailing. He will resist change. We all resist change. So don't hold it against him if he's not initially thrilled but don't back down.

If you both come through it, you could find yourselves in a much better position; a relationship where you feel valued and appreciated, him with a proper connection to his kids.

The first night I moved in with my DP, he had the kids because he hadn't bothered to change weekends with his ex so we could unpack and get settled. I helped him with all his stuff all week and did most of his unpacking. He then wasn't free to help me with mine, I did it alone. When I was finally moved in, he informed me he was playing tennis and going for a few drinks afterwards. I stayed in with his kids. I was raging. If it had been possible I would have moved straight back out the next day.

But listen you are there now, you may as well try to make it work before you give up on it. That disastrous start is something we laugh about a lot now. He absolutely does the lion's share of the housework now. I help out with his daughter and cook only if I feel like it, there is no expectation. We are all the better for it.

I would move out. I certainly wouldn't think of having children with him. He wants a housekeeper and someone to take care of his children. You deserve so much better. In any case you really need to get your career underway before you even think about having children.

pushing the boundaries big time - like a toddler playing up to see what he can get away with.
This is pathetic, is this type of crap really what you dream of in a relationship? I’m sure there are thousands of men without kids who you could pick instead of settling to be this blokes domestic servant in exchange for living in his property. Why not enjoy your life and buy your own place? You have a clear, every day demonstration of what type of father this boyfriend is, if you choose him to impregnate you, you know what you’re signing up for.

@Carbara harsh.
@WineandWellies, stick at it, it is hard and you don't want to disappoint the kids but he has to be the parent, he clearly hasn't been or the kids wouldn't naturally gravitate to you.
Good luck with your exams!