That went well...

[WineandWellies]

I reached the end of my tether this morning, I've been ill with a chest infection for 2 weeks which is getting worse instead of better, on antibiotics now and called in work sick, which isn't something I do often.

Partner still decides to do his morning disappearing act for an hour to start his work, leaving me alone getting the kids ready for school, only reappearing when its time to take them and expecting them all fed and dressed and ready to go.

Beyond peed off, and not prepared to be jumped all over and bickered at for an hour, I dragged myself out of my sick bed and went for a very long walk I didn't feel up to, returning about the time they need to go to school. Cue lots of him running about because hair hasn't been brushed, teeth hasn't been brushed, littlest wearing no tights and odd socks etc. If I hadn't made the lunches the day before and got uniforms prepared then that would've been a last minute issue too.

I raised the idea of sending them to breakfast club (mostly to make a point tbh, not with any real intent for this to happen), so he could take them an hour early and then start work if he regularly isn't available to parent them, instead of dumping them on me, and that went down like a lead balloon.

Tirade that he's a dad and has responsibilities, and doesn't get to see them all the time anyway so he's not shipping them off. I replied that he isn't seeing them much when they're here anyway, so it would make no odds.

Apparently he would also leave them to get themselves ready whether I was or wasn't here, because its just his style of parenting (the 11 year old maybe, but the 4 and a half yo?)

Then it was a guilt trip about how much they like me and gravitate towards me, which is why I get so bombarded by them (I do, they're very full on kids, even the older one, and don't seem able to entertain themselves for even a small amount of time).

Its really threatening the close and happy relationship I have with the kids, because I'm becoming more and more resentful and snappy, and also I'm effing off every time I sense that they're going to be dumped on me. I'm worried about this damaging the kids, I'm worried how overwhelmed I feel. I can't even have a moan to my mum, because I've faced infertility issues in the past and her outlook is basically be grateful that you have kids in your life and welcome to motherhood.

Sorry I don't think I'm even looking for advice, I just feel rubbish about it all and wanted a rant :(

Tell him he is not to dump them on you again, ever. I think he and your mum are warping your perspective on this. You do not have to provide any childcare for him, at all.

How long are you together? How is your relationship otherwise? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Set boundaries and stick to them. If you are happy to make lunch and organise uniforms then do so. If you are not happy to get them up and ready for school then tell him that he has to do that from now on. He should have the respect to allow you to rest while you are sick and not expect you to get up and sort the kids. While you should not have had to leave the house this morning you were right to leave him to it. It will teach him that he has to take care of his kids and not rely on you to do it all. You need to decide how much involvement you are willing to have and then tell him. Don't let him guilt trip you into doing it all.

Thanks for your replies. Relationship is very good in every other way, I think things have been accelerated quicker that they should've been, due to moving in with him in lockdown. Also, there's been nowhere open for me to go/friends to visit etc so in a way I've felt a bit stuck and things have moved faster that I would've liked.

I don't mind helping out with the kids and doing stuff for them/with them, but he'd taking advantage of that and its making me not want to do any of it anymore. What started out as favours has turned into expectations of me doing it.

Is there anyway to backtrack and slow this right down, or is the damage done?

I think you need to tell him that you are not going to be doing anymore and allow the shit to hit the fan (as long as the children aren't in danger).

So, disappear yourself. Don't get the kids ready and if the consequence is that they are late for school or don't get a breakfast then he deals with that.

Please don't fall into the trap of covering for his inadequate parenting. He isn't stepping up because you covering means he doesn't need to.

Don’t be around when he usually expects you to manage them .go out before he does so he’s left to get on with it

Can you leave ,if you want to ? Like have you a home to go to ,so you can dial things back a notch

His kids his responsibility 🤷🏻‍♀️

@springsnake no unfortunately not. I do have a full time job who are expecting me to go into the office more and more now, I've been going early on the days I'm in so I miss a chunk of the morning circus. But I've nowhere else to take off to for the night/weekend say.

@WineandWellies

Thanks for your replies. Relationship is very good in every other way, I think things have been accelerated quicker that they should've been, due to moving in with him in lockdown. Also, there's been nowhere open for me to go/friends to visit etc so in a way I've felt a bit stuck and things have moved faster that I would've liked.

I don't mind helping out with the kids and doing stuff for them/with them, but he'd taking advantage of that and its making me not want to do any of it anymore. What started out as favours has turned into expectations of me doing it.

Is there anyway to backtrack and slow this right down, or is the damage done?

No it's not too late, just tell him! He hasn't got a leg to stand on so it's not like he could reasonably defend it. If he's going to argue that you should have to do those things then he's not worth your time.

Ah listen all is not lost, you've identified correctly what has happened; your favours are now expectations.

You're feeling sick and overwhelmed so now you really don't need an argument adding to your stress. Give it a bit of space then when you're feeling reasonable tell him you need to talk.

Before that look at it from his point of view; he rightly, wrongly or let's be straight selfishly thought things were fine and the two of you were managing well. He is going to resist change especially when it is making life harder for himself.

But you have to instigate change. You are not happy. You do not feel appreciated or fulfilled. If you continue down this road it will come inevitably to the end of the relationship.

Tell him honestly that this isn't how you wanted things. You are happy to help out and step in if there's a crisis but you are not a parent, it should not fall to you. He managed without you, he should not rely so heavily on you. You are here for the relationship with him, to support him but his children have two parents.

If he can't see this I'd be wondering if he wanted me or he wanted free childcare. You don't have to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. It's worth remembering that (don't threaten him with it though).

Do try to avoid accusatory statements however like claiming he doesn't see them when they are here. It will just make him defensive and you won't make progress.

Change requires adjustment so you will need to draw down boundaries and stick to them. Simply do not be available to get the kids ready in the morning. Even if that results in a stressful situation for him, he will have to adapt.

It is up to you what you decide is acceptable in the relationship. (Nobody here can say how much childcare you should be doing. It's up to you.) Then he either meets your expectations or not.

Can you offload to someone other than your mother? Remarks like you've described are really dismissive and unkind. You are struggling and you don't need to be told this is motherhood about children who aren't yours.

Myself and my DP moved (too) quickly too and those early figuring out parameter days were really hard. If I hadn't stood my ground i shudder to think where things would have ended up.

I'm just not sure I should have to leave my home to get any respite, it's the place I should come to for that.

But perhaps I do need to be away a lot more, at least until he gets the message.

He is absolutely taking advantage of you and it’s not on.

Helping out with his kids as party of family time? Sure! Of course you’d want to be involved in that.

Getting them ready for school on the odd occasion where he has an urgent work situation and needs to leave early? Sure - it’s great to help each other out and it’s nice to spend extra one on one time with them occasionally.

But doing it every time whilst he disappears off to do Christ knows what and then he fails to admit that it’s his situation to deal with and attempts to guilt trip you by implying if you don’t do it then you don’t care about the kids or spending time with them?? NO FUCKING WAY.

He’s being a complete arsehole. Not only for dumping the responsibility on you with no discussion but for them gaslighting you when you raise it.

Very nasty behaviour, sorry

@Sillysandy

Ah listen all is not lost, you've identified correctly what has happened; your favours are now expectations.

You're feeling sick and overwhelmed so now you really don't need an argument adding to your stress. Give it a bit of space then when you're feeling reasonable tell him you need to talk.

Before that look at it from his point of view; he rightly, wrongly or let's be straight selfishly thought things were fine and the two of you were managing well. He is going to resist change especially when it is making life harder for himself.

But you have to instigate change. You are not happy. You do not feel appreciated or fulfilled. If you continue down this road it will come inevitably to the end of the relationship.

Tell him honestly that this isn't how you wanted things. You are happy to help out and step in if there's a crisis but you are not a parent, it should not fall to you. He managed without you, he should not rely so heavily on you. You are here for the relationship with him, to support him but his children have two parents.

If he can't see this I'd be wondering if he wanted me or he wanted free childcare. You don't have to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. It's worth remembering that (don't threaten him with it though).

Do try to avoid accusatory statements however like claiming he doesn't see them when they are here. It will just make him defensive and you won't make progress.

Change requires adjustment so you will need to draw down boundaries and stick to them. Simply do not be available to get the kids ready in the morning. Even if that results in a stressful situation for him, he will have to adapt.

It is up to you what you decide is acceptable in the relationship. (Nobody here can say how much childcare you should be doing. It's up to you.) Then he either meets your expectations or not.

Can you offload to someone other than your mother? Remarks like you've described are really dismissive and unkind. You are struggling and you don't need to be told this is motherhood about children who aren't yours.

Myself and my DP moved (too) quickly too and those early figuring out parameter days were really hard. If I hadn't stood my ground i shudder to think where things would have ended up.

Thanks @sillysandy that's a really balanced and helpful response. I want to fix this if I can, I love him and the kids and he and the relationship have some really good points, things I think I'd struggle to find in another partner.

Lockdown has really put on the pressure and put things in overdrive too.

My mum's comments weren't actually put like that, but that was the general gist of it. She's always been a "homemaker" and mother hen, and very maternal, to the sacrifice of herself a lot of the time. I'm just not prepared to make that many sacrifies to my own life, and have different priorities like my career and my studies, free time and personal space. That I think is where our opinions differ.

I think you've been shown a really objectionable side of his character. Only you can see how that balances with the rest of his behaviour. But he's both outsourcing his responsibility to you - for his own children! - and then lying to you about why he's doing it.

Which is... really quite bad. Worth noting and looking for in other areas.

I think you've got your head screwed on OP, you're willing to try to make it work on your terms but not to be a sacrificial lamb. You are quite right that lockdown has made everything worse. I hope you do figure it out together but if not you will be absolutely fine.

Thanks @Ohpulltheotherone and @Grumblesigh

I'm glad people don't think I'm being unreasonable, I started to doubt myself just wondering if this is what family life is like and it's what I've signed up for.

I have a professional level exam in the next month so will need to be doing a lot of studying anyway. I'll not be sacrificing my time like I have been to help out, and potentially jeopardizing my chance of passing, as his career doesn't seem to suffer a second even for his own children.

I'll be watching his behaviour more closely from now on, and taking a step back where possible. It just sucks that I have to.

I think you should run for the hills. Is the home yours?

@WineandWellies

Thanks for your replies. Relationship is very good in every other way, I think things have been accelerated quicker that they should've been, due to moving in with him in lockdown. Also, there's been nowhere open for me to go/friends to visit etc so in a way I've felt a bit stuck and things have moved faster that I would've liked.

I don't mind helping out with the kids and doing stuff for them/with them, but he'd taking advantage of that and its making me not want to do any of it anymore. What started out as favours has turned into expectations of me doing it.

Is there anyway to backtrack and slow this right down, or is the damage done?

All is not lost but you definitely do need to put very clear boundaries in place now.

He's absolutely taking the piss. His objection to breakfast club when he's just 'palming them off' on you is ridiculous.

I ended up really resentful of being left to do everything for my SC while my H just criticised. I'd end up doing them breakfast in the morning while he had a leisurely shower. Or looking after them while he buggered off on his bike. And so on.

So I have called time on doing anything to 'help' him with his children and actually stepped right back from everything to do with them. If he wants contact with his children, it's on the understanding that he (and only he) is responsible for them. He has to do everything for them.

The result is that he feels resentful that he hasn't got time for things, or can't go out because his kids are here, or that he just has to do everything. But they're his children and he is not entitled to my domestic labour on their behalf. I've had to be really hardcore about it (I literally will no longer do anything for him related to his children) because of his attitude and behaviour.

You might find that you can draw less drastic boundaries than I've had to because it's not gotten as bad as it did here. But it is totally ok to leave him to deal with his own children. Don't do the packed lunches. Don't get them ready. Leave him to deal with the consequences of his own actions. They'll be late a few times or get no lunch (the school will give them lunch regardless) and he'll have to sort himself out. Don't save him from any of that.

And don't feel you need to put yourself out by going for a walk you don't feel like. It's absolutely fine for you to sit in bed with a cup of coffee reading the news while he gets on with the work of being a parent.

@Aquamarine1029 No, it's his home. I do have back up savings if all goes wrong, enough for a house deposit, and I'm not on a big salary now but should be on a lot more in the next couple of years if I pass my exams and qualify. So its not like I don't have other options, if absolutely needed. I just hope it's not.

My other concern is that we've talked about having a child in the next couple of years. I worry that I won't be able to just up and leave as easily with a baby in tow when a situation annoys me, and I'll have no choice but to have all the kids left with me all the time.

I have horrible premonitions of spending maternity leave looking after three children all the time, when I should be enjoying time with my baby.

I need to nip this in the bid before it comes to that, if this is to be in my life plan at all.

@WineandWellies

My other concern is that we've talked about having a child in the next couple of years. I worry that I won't be able to just up and leave as easily with a baby in tow when a situation annoys me, and I'll have no choice but to have all the kids left with me all the time.

I have horrible premonitions of spending maternity leave looking after three children all the time, when I should be enjoying time with my baby.

I need to nip this in the bid before it comes to that, if this is to be in my life plan at all.

Do not have a baby with him unless you have your boundaries firmly in place. And you're certain he won't try to backtrack.

And look carefully at his parenting. Is this what you want for your child? If the answer is not 'absolutely yes', then think very carefully.

There's a big difference between helping out now and again and being taken advantage of.

You need to sit him down and make it quite clear that morning routines are his to sort out. He's responsible for breakfast, teeth cleaning, getting them dressed and taking them to school. You could suggest you make their packed lunches the previous evening if you wanted to.

It'll be difficult to start with but you need to stick to your fins, when the dc come to you for help, and you're sat with a cuppa it will be difficult, but you need to tell them to see their df. Otherwise before you know it, you'll be back to square one.

These boundaries need to be in place before you start ttc, and a conversation about who does what when the new baby arrives before you even start ttc, otherwise you'll be back looking after 3 dc this time

This could be a very key epiphany that stops you making a huge mistake. I would strongly recommend getting all of this discussed and ironed out before considering having a baby with him. There's very little chance of it getting better afterwards if you haven't done this.

How long have you been together?

He really is taking the piss and you haven’t lived together very long so it’s started early.

You’re ill. He should care enough about you to be making your life easier. I hope you’re better soon!

The very nerve of saying he’s a dad and has responsibilities while merrily offloading the shit work to you, who’s ill and who hasn’t lived there long - would put me right off him I’m afraid. I just couldn’t respect him for showing so little basic care to both you and his children. And without respect I couldn’t be attracted to him or love him.

You’re already anticipating future epic piss taking and a miserable life of trying to get him to step with his own children! You’re worth more than this my love. Everyone is.