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Original poster

WWYD - dp's adult son wants to move in with us

83 replies

WindyBot · 08/05/2021 22:01

Dp's son is 23. He has done extremely well and picked up a great job starting in a few months time. He has previously been renting with friends.

We have a bit of a chequered history - a few years ago he stayed in my house and caused a large amount of damage (£2,000) when he had a party. He lied about it and never owned up to it or volunteered to help pay for it. For a year I refused to let him stay in the house by himself and then in lockdown, when dp and I went to stay overnight to do caring duties for his mum, he told Dp he was really struggling mentally and needed a break and was right round the corner from the house and stayed there for a night and hooked up with random men off the Internet and had them round the house for another party. The neighbours saw it and called us and he eventually admitted to it.

This is my house he is doing it in btw not dp's - not that it matters but dp moved in with me when his son was 19 and already at university so this house has never been his permanent home.

I think he is a chancer and always will be. He has told dp that he wants to stay with us so he can save some money. His son's job will pay more than dp is earning. I have to keep a bedroom for my SN son who is away but still has his home with us (he's 19 but will always need support and comes back regularly), then dp's 2 other dc visit us every other weekend and the other bedroom belongs to my daughter (20) who is at university.

I've told dp that if he was to stay with us, I would still expect him to contribute financially and more importantly, I don't know which room he would take. Dp is now suggesting he could stay in dd's bedroom.

I just don't think this is practical (what do we do when dd comes back!) but also I really don't think it's going to work. He has already shown he has no respect for me by abusing my kindness in letting him have the house to himself twice. If he was under 18, I would absolutely give him another chance but he isn't.

But am I am being too harsh? I would never want to think a child of mine didn't have a home - but on his salary he could easily rent again with friends (as he does now) or find a house share.

OP posts:
MarkUp · 09/05/2021 10:24

Nope. He's not a child and he's had two chances now, both of which he's fucked up. If DP wants him to have somewhere to stay, he can buy his own house and live with his son.

Tigertealeaves · 09/05/2021 10:25

@Blacktothepink

No fucking way...he needs to learn the consequences to his actions...
This. He isn't a child. He has netted a well paying job. He wants to live the lifestyle of a 20something, he needs to get his own space to do it in, and budget to fund it like other adults do. His dad is doing nobody any favours trying to skip this life lesson.
HerMammy · 09/05/2021 10:31

@Tlollj
What would you do if it was your son?
He’s not her son, she met him when he was 18 and he’s damaged her house and lied.
Sounds like he sees £ signs and likely his mum will want a contribution and won’t stand for his shitty behaviour so sees OP and his dad as an easy touch.

Milliepossum · 09/05/2021 10:31

Another one that thinks you should say no OP, it’s also concerning that your DP thinks his son should have priority over your own daughter in a house he himself doesn’t own.

MelissaVonStressel · 09/05/2021 10:42

I would have to channel my mother and say 'I wants don't get' - he wants to live with you because it's financially convenient for him. Twice he's had access to your home without you there and twice he's partied. You'd never be able to leave the house again! There's nothing in this for you - and if he's earning more than his dad then he can afford to live somewhere else. Of course somewhere else might mean him picking up the tab for his two grand parties - which is why your home is looking so attractive to him.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/05/2021 10:44

Nope. No way.

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2021 11:18

There comes a time when you have to stop being a doormat. It's not as though he's penniless and going to live on the street. He's earning plenty but doesn't want to spend it on basic living expenses. I don't see why it's even up for discussion.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/05/2021 11:22

No.fucking.way.

Your 'partner' has a cheek. I remember your previous thread. I would have kicked the partner to the kerb back then over his attitude towards his son trashing your house.

But you kept him and, unsurprisingly, he's back taking the piss just like his son.

What gives? Fuck that. Put your family first and get rid of this lot of pisstakers. Wake up! No one needs a man in their life so badly as to put up with that.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/05/2021 11:25

Nope, not a chance

Original poster
WindyBot · 09/05/2021 13:57

Thanks all. Dp is away for work this weekend so we haven't had a chance to discuss it properly but I will when he returns tonight. I don't feel bad saying no - I gave him a chance and he fucked it up!

My dc would never behave this way so there isn't a parallel situation I could think of. They are no angels but they certainly wouldn't dream of taking the piss when someone allows them to stay in their home! In fact their dad's girlfriend has a place in Spain that her and their dad spend part of the year living in. And whenever they've stayed there they have always called me to discuss what gift they should get for her for letting them stay! I think they would be absolutely mortified if they had ever broken anything or caused a scene!

OP posts:
Redburnett · 09/05/2021 14:02

Just say no, it is your house and he has shown that he does not respect it. IMO it does matter that is your house rather than jointly owned with your DP. In your position I would stand firm on this.

EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 09/05/2021 14:06

@Tlollj

What would you do if it was your son?
I wouldn't have believed the pack of lies first time round.
BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 18:48

Good on you OP. Good to see a poster take the bull by the horns. 🌸

FijiCavanaugh · 09/05/2021 20:30

God no. Right decision OP.

HeckyPeck · 09/05/2021 21:06

Definitely would be a no from me.

Maybe if paid you back the £2,000 he owes for the damage.

But actually even then still no as he's screwed you over twice.

You also don't have a spare room.

Stick to your guns OP.

I hope you partner paid for the damage at least.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/05/2021 21:16

I hope you stick to your guns. I'd have sent them both packing after the £2000 incident. Fuck that. I've had a shitty life and it still is, I no longer have any more patience for bullshit in it.

GettingItOutThere · 09/05/2021 21:55

absolutely not. Never again. why cant he live with his mum? or rent his own place?

I would also be questioning your DP living with you to be honest.

I also hope the son has not got a key!?

DPotter · 09/05/2021 22:08

It's a NO from me as well. - He's betrayed your trust twice, and earns more than his Dad - so he can afford his own place.

As for the suggestion the DSS can stay in your DD room - well if your DD's uni is anything like the one my DD is in, she'll be back end of the month/ beginning of June. I'm collecting DD on the 29th. So that's a non starter.

It's a NO - and not open for debate from me

RedMarauder · 10/05/2021 11:53

NO

The boy is an adult who has a major issue with taking responsibility for his actions.

Your DP can either:

  1. Give his adult son money so he can rent his own place, or,
  2. Moves out and lives with his adult son elsewhere.
Chucklecheeks01 · 10/05/2021 12:20

I think you should change the title to "Should I be guilted into letting my DP and SS abuse my trust for a third time simply because I'm a SM?".

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/05/2021 19:14

What did your husband say OP, when you said no?

MeridianB · 10/05/2021 19:34

@timeisnotaline

He’s fucked up twice , both times he was an adult and your dp has let him. You can’t trust him and you can’t trust your dp when it comes to his son. You could never go away again as you don’t trust him, that’s not a life you want to be in. He earns more than your dp so he’s not on the breadline and If he wanted to go home to dad to save money he should have thought twice before fucking up the second time.
This. All this.

There is no need for this adult to move in. And after the two previous experiences, it would be out of the question for me.

Really gross how he used your home for casual sex with strangers.

Your DP’s total lack of support on this and the party damage would be a huge letdown, especially as his adult son lied through his teeth about it all. Your DP should be ashamed and making it up to you - not encouraging more of the same.

Say no and make sure he doesn’t get any spare keys.

SandyY2K · 11/05/2021 02:34

I'd say no. He's untrustworthy and he didn't show remorse or confess. He can stay elsewhere. I can't believe he had the cheek to ask to stay after he effed up.

RoseRedCityHalfAsOldAsTime · 11/05/2021 03:57

Definitely NOT.

He still hasn't paid for the last damage he caused, and wasn't even sorry.

Once he's living at your expense, he might never leave - "I can't afford it yet." And if he loses his job...

His being there will increase your bills and cause you inconvenience - which would be bad enough if you loved his company and he needed help. To do that for someone selfish and advantage-taking is far worse. You know darn well he won't do his share of the housework, and he'll lose the tv remote, damage the wallpaper, get coffee grounds in the sugar, keep putting things in the wrong place in your kitchen, forget to put the bins out and never change the loo roll.

Your sex life will suffer due to lack of privacy if another adult moves in, and he'll stay up late and keep you awake when you've got an early start.

Really, definitely NOT.

Suggest he cuts down and saves by moving to a tiny studio flat, and offer to help by storing his extra stuff for him.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/05/2021 04:23

Only if he forked over a £2,000 cash damage deposit before moving in. Then at least you would not be out money for the damages he created.
No deposit, no room in your house.

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