WWYD - dp's adult son wants to move in with us

[WindyBot]

Dp's son is 23. He has done extremely well and picked up a great job starting in a few months time. He has previously been renting with friends.

We have a bit of a chequered history - a few years ago he stayed in my house and caused a large amount of damage (£2,000) when he had a party. He lied about it and never owned up to it or volunteered to help pay for it. For a year I refused to let him stay in the house by himself and then in lockdown, when dp and I went to stay overnight to do caring duties for his mum, he told Dp he was really struggling mentally and needed a break and was right round the corner from the house and stayed there for a night and hooked up with random men off the Internet and had them round the house for another party. The neighbours saw it and called us and he eventually admitted to it.

This is my house he is doing it in btw not dp's - not that it matters but dp moved in with me when his son was 19 and already at university so this house has never been his permanent home.

I think he is a chancer and always will be. He has told dp that he wants to stay with us so he can save some money. His son's job will pay more than dp is earning. I have to keep a bedroom for my SN son who is away but still has his home with us (he's 19 but will always need support and comes back regularly), then dp's 2 other dc visit us every other weekend and the other bedroom belongs to my daughter (20) who is at university.

I've told dp that if he was to stay with us, I would still expect him to contribute financially and more importantly, I don't know which room he would take. Dp is now suggesting he could stay in dd's bedroom.

I just don't think this is practical (what do we do when dd comes back!) but also I really don't think it's going to work. He has already shown he has no respect for me by abusing my kindness in letting him have the house to himself twice. If he was under 18, I would absolutely give him another chance but he isn't.

But am I am being too harsh? I would never want to think a child of mine didn't have a home - but on his salary he could easily rent again with friends (as he does now) or find a house share.

Reading what you have written it seems to be a clear No and steppimg back from this l caution you to look after yourself

He caused 2k worth of damage. I’d say no.

I also have an adult DSS and DH and I are currently letting him know (repeatedly) that if he wants to move in with us for a while, he would be welcome. But then, he is trustworthy and responsible and have ink a hard time physically and mentally as a result of a car crash. If I thought he would damage my home in anyway, I would say no and offer to help in other ways.

Thanks both

Yes I think he has showed he can't be trusted. I think I would always be worried about what he was up to when we weren't there!

I'd have no problem in saying Absolutely not in your shoes.

He's an adult, can support himself financially, but would prefer it if someone else did so that he can save money. Yes, indeed, wouldn't we all?

It's your house, not DPs, and his adult son has previously abused your hospitality more than once. There are no circumstances where you would let anyone else do this. Being your partners grown up son doesn't give him a Get out of Jail free card.

It would be a definite no from me.

Thanks all

@MadMadMadamMim that is a very good line about him not getting a get out of jail card just by being his son! I think I will use that one!

Bloody hell, would be a big no from me. IF he had been sorry about the party, been guilty and admitted his big mistake and worked every minute he had to repay you the damages then I would consider it. Has he no shame? You can just say there’s no space with your daughter needing her bedroom when she’s back.

That would be a no

No. Absolutely not. No way. And I’d be very unhappy with your DP for considering it.

I imagine your mental health won’t be improved by his presence in your home.

I don’t think you are too harsh. It’s your house and he showed already that he can’t be trusted. And it was not accidental damage, he made conscious choice to behave in a certain way knowing that it’s not good, he wouldn’t lie otherwise. So I wouldn’t let anyone like this to live in my house.
And it’s not like he’s got nowhere to live or means to support himself, he is not in difficult position and doesn’t need help, he just want to use you and his Dad to make his life more convenient. It’s perfectly reasonable to refuse.

I remember u to our thread about the party damage and your DP attitude over it.

Hell NO neither of them showed any integrity over that, 2nd chance he abused your offer and completely disrespected you and your home again.

A no from me too.

£2000-what the hell happened?!

How is he still saying that a party causing that much damage wasn’t him?

No. Just no. Clearly can’t be trusted and no respect. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet and get his own place

That would be a No from me, and a What The Actual Fuck moment with DP.

How many bedrooms have you got? Seems like his kids are a way down the pecking order if one belongs to your DD and another for your DS. Where do his kids stay when they are at yours?

I wouldn't let him stay or even consider it until he has given a full apology for what he has already done. I'd take that stance whether he was my biological child or step child!

No and I would reconsider whether I'd let the partner stay either. They both seem a pair of chancers.

I think I’d let him stay with some ground rules that if he breaks then he’s out. I’d get his dad to tell him that this is his absolute last chance. I’d be hoping that he will behave like an adult now that he’s got this job. Your daughters bedroom could be used by him for now and if he behaves responsibly and he’s still with you when your daughter comes home from uni, you can look at the sleeping arrangements again then.

I wouldn’t take much money from him as long as he is genuinely saving up. I guess the quicker he saves, the sooner he’ll move out as it sounds like your house is quite full.

@KaleSlayer

I think I’d let him stay with some ground rules that if he breaks then he’s out. I’d get his dad to tell him that this is his absolute last chance. I’d be hoping that he will behave like an adult now that he’s got this job. Your daughters bedroom could be used by him for now and if he behaves responsibly and he’s still with you when your daughter comes home from uni, you can look at the sleeping arrangements again then.

I wouldn’t take much money from him as long as he is genuinely saving up. I guess the quicker he saves, the sooner he’ll move out as it sounds like your house is quite full.

Think that could lead to be the biggest mistake of her life.

He sounds like a complete piss taker

100% no.

He cannot be trusted as demonstrated when he last stayed.

@Docsmix

How many bedrooms have you got? Seems like his kids are a way down the pecking order if one belongs to your DD and another for your DS. Where do his kids stay when they are at yours?

He's not a kid. He has abused her hospitality I assume her daughter and son haven't Yes, after his behaviour he quite rightly should be down the pecking order. Her daughter and son have always lived with OP.

@WindyBot I remember your previous thread also & I would not even entertain this. And as for your dp even suggesting it!?! I'd tell him to take a running jump also - pair of messers!

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me!!
No no no, he's an adult now, time to grow up and pay his own way