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Original poster

WWYD - dp's adult son wants to move in with us

83 replies

WindyBot · 08/05/2021 22:01

Dp's son is 23. He has done extremely well and picked up a great job starting in a few months time. He has previously been renting with friends.

We have a bit of a chequered history - a few years ago he stayed in my house and caused a large amount of damage (£2,000) when he had a party. He lied about it and never owned up to it or volunteered to help pay for it. For a year I refused to let him stay in the house by himself and then in lockdown, when dp and I went to stay overnight to do caring duties for his mum, he told Dp he was really struggling mentally and needed a break and was right round the corner from the house and stayed there for a night and hooked up with random men off the Internet and had them round the house for another party. The neighbours saw it and called us and he eventually admitted to it.

This is my house he is doing it in btw not dp's - not that it matters but dp moved in with me when his son was 19 and already at university so this house has never been his permanent home.

I think he is a chancer and always will be. He has told dp that he wants to stay with us so he can save some money. His son's job will pay more than dp is earning. I have to keep a bedroom for my SN son who is away but still has his home with us (he's 19 but will always need support and comes back regularly), then dp's 2 other dc visit us every other weekend and the other bedroom belongs to my daughter (20) who is at university.

I've told dp that if he was to stay with us, I would still expect him to contribute financially and more importantly, I don't know which room he would take. Dp is now suggesting he could stay in dd's bedroom.

I just don't think this is practical (what do we do when dd comes back!) but also I really don't think it's going to work. He has already shown he has no respect for me by abusing my kindness in letting him have the house to himself twice. If he was under 18, I would absolutely give him another chance but he isn't.

But am I am being too harsh? I would never want to think a child of mine didn't have a home - but on his salary he could easily rent again with friends (as he does now) or find a house share.

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 09/05/2021 05:37

@Docsmix

How many bedrooms have you got? Seems like his kids are a way down the pecking order if one belongs to your DD and another for your DS. Where do his kids stay when they are at yours?
OP could have 25 spare rooms and I would still wouldn't think it was a good idea for him to move in.
Trixie78 · 09/05/2021 05:43

He's already had 2 chances, how many more do you give him? I'd be done at the two and say no.

Tlollj · 09/05/2021 05:44

What would you do if it was your son?

DeciduousPerennial · 09/05/2021 06:08

Not a cat in hells chance.

But it’s nice to know that this job pays more than your DP’s: he can pay back that £2k.

BlueVelvetStars · 09/05/2021 06:15

Its a ... NO FECKING CHANCE... from me ☺️

readingismycardio · 09/05/2021 06:33

NO. You obviously don't want to, why compromise? Just say no. He's a liability and will only cause more and more drama.

BeGreen · 09/05/2021 06:39

It would be a big fat NO from me

MyOtherProfile · 09/05/2021 06:39

No. And I'd be having serious words with DP.

TidyDancer · 09/05/2021 06:40

Everything about this scenario screams 'no'.

greymayday · 09/05/2021 06:51

@Docsmix

How many bedrooms have you got? Seems like his kids are a way down the pecking order if one belongs to your DD and another for your DS. Where do his kids stay when they are at yours?
It’s OP’s house. If DP wants somewhere his kids can all have their own room he needs to buy his own house
HartstonesMustard · 09/05/2021 07:06

It would be a no from me. He has twice now shown absolutely no respect for either you or your property, both times has thrown a party. This is not some young teenager but an adult with an entitled attitude.

Why can he not live with his Mum? He is clearly earning enough money to support himself.

Also there is no spare room for him in your home. So this would be a hard no. Your DD who is at uni needs to know she can return to her room which I assume has always been her room considering your partner only moved in with you a few years ago.

You would be crazy to allow this person to stay for any length of time. No, no and no.

saraclara · 09/05/2021 07:14

No. It's your home and he's betrayed your trust twice. And he earns more than your partner so can afford his own place.

You're down £2,000 because of this man (did your partner even reimburse you?) Why on earth would you take him in again? You wild never be rid of him, I guarantee it. And you'll never be able to relax in your own home. I can't believe your partner is asking this if you.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2021 07:17

He’s fucked up twice , both times he was an adult and your dp has let him. You can’t trust him and you can’t trust your dp when it comes to his son. You could never go away again as you don’t trust him, that’s not a life you want to be in. He earns more than your dp so he’s not on the breadline and If he wanted to go home to dad to save money he should have thought twice before fucking up the second time.

Bananalanacake · 09/05/2021 08:13

I would dump the dp for not taking responsibility for his ds. Did you get the money back in the end.

user648482729 · 09/05/2021 08:28

I would have been able to look past the party a few years ago as he was young etc but considering he then tried to repeat this last year I’d be saying no. You wouldn’t feel comfortable going away for a night and he’s shown that he doesn’t respect that it’s your home.

user648482729 · 09/05/2021 08:31

@Docsmix it was the OPs home and therefore her children’s home so why would they give up a room in their house to become a room for an adult stepson.

GoddessKali · 09/05/2021 08:33

If my own son had behaved that way with no remorse or acknowledgement then I wouldn’t allow my son to - therefore I also wouldn’t allow my stepson to either.

I would however, if they were remorseful and apologetic about the past and new, very clear boundaries were put in place inc the consequences.

DoubleTweenQueen · 09/05/2021 08:40

No. He doesn't need to stay with you, he would just prefer it as he could save more money. Yet he has abused your trust and hospitality quite readily?
Absolutely no

Sillysandy · 09/05/2021 09:14

I wouldn't allow this but I would explain myself well.

"I'm sorry I have given this a lot of thought but my answer is no. I was very hurt when you abused my trust before and the fact that you never really apologised or acknowledged that makes it impossible now for me to agree to this again. I'm sorry you're struggling, I do want you to feel supported so you are welcome to come stay overnight when it's getting too much. But that is my daughter's room and you need to respect it."

I would make no apology to DP, frankly he's lucky he's allowed live there after what has taken place. I would be the same; I had limitless tolerance for my abusive DSDs in their teens but now they are beyond that I've told their father if he wants to patch things up he will need to do it outside of our house.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/05/2021 09:20

God no. A grown adult who can afford to live by himself but wants to live with you because it's cheaper? No. And that's regardless of the fact that he's been a twat in the past, which makes it a double no.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/05/2021 09:22

Whether or not you could trust him, you don’t have space for him without moving your own dc. For that reason alone it wouldn’t be happening.

If the son was really struggling and had no where else to go then it would be harsh to turn him away, but moving in with you now isn’t a need, it’s a want. His previous behaviour means that he can’t expect to have his wants fulfilled.

Eskarina1 · 09/05/2021 09:28

Setting aside your (reasonable) concerns about his behaviour for a minute, this is your house and presumably has been your daughter's home. While she may not come back after uni, it's still quite a big deal to give her room away and she might struggle with it.

saraclara · 09/05/2021 09:59

It's your home, it's your daughter's and they're both being massively entitled.

In your OP it sounds like you've almost given in already. Please don't. Stick up for yourself and your family. As someone else said, this request is a want, not a need. Stay firm and say no. Otherwise this man will dominate your home and you'll no longer feel comfortable in it.

Warmduscher · 09/05/2021 10:08

Why can he not live with his Mum? He is clearly earning enough money to support himself.

I was wondering this.

Blacktothepink · 09/05/2021 10:12

No fucking way...he needs to learn the consequences to his actions...

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