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Original poster

Should I carry on?

32 replies

Secondtimearoun · 08/05/2021 10:36

Dp and I have been together 18 months, he's been separated for 4 years divorced for 2. We don't live together, I have older teens that he has met twice very recently.
He has 2 primary school age that are unaware I exist. I understand that, he wants to go slow as the dc especially the youngest, still expresses a wish her parents were together and gets tearful.
Dp didn't instigate the divorce and often feels guilty that his dc are upset and that his family is split. He tells me often how much she has destroyed his life, he's gutted he built a life with her, wishes he had never met her etc but has to move on. They share the dc 5050 and are civil and polite over phone and text.
The thing I'm struggling with is accepting that she will always be around and he will always defer to her and I'm the one he's " ended up with " .He seems to think she is the best parent in the world and what she says goes.
She texts him all the time. Daily.
Reminding him about clubs, homework, washing, how to brush hair properly, how to wipe bums properly, can he stop doing this, can he do that..
It must be exhausting. She has booked clubs and activities for every Saturday and Sunday and has asked him for help taking them to them as the times clash. So this means on the weekends we are together he has to leave to run children around and we ca never go away or do anything. He says " it's for the children I have to do it for them "
She doesn't know I exist either as he says his life is nothing to do with her.
I don't know what I'm asking really.
I think I've just come to the realisation that I will always come very far down in the pecking order.
I love him, he tells me he loves me, we spend amazing time together but is this it for me ?
I'm 46 and my children are grown. He's 52 with small ones so nothing will change for a good while. He doesn't want us to live together either.
I don't want to end it, but after ending an abusive marriage I want someone to share my life with.
I love him so much. Part of me wonders if I should just wait it out and see what happens. He recently told his youngest he has a friend and showed her my picture so he's moving slowly but moving.
Will things ever change
I'm 46 now so meeting someone without similar baggage is pretty unlikely I would imagine.

OP posts:
FishyFriday · 08/05/2021 10:45

The thing I'm struggling with is accepting that she will always be around and he will always defer to her and I'm the one he's " ended up with

This is not a good relationship. He's not over her. He hasn't processed his divorce and all that entails. And he makes you feel like, at best, the consolation prize.

You deserve better than this. You're only 46. There are men out there without this baggage, who are not still caught up in the emotional turmoil of their previous relationship. Lots of them. And being on your own is a lot better than feeling second best.

Original poster
Secondtimearoun · 08/05/2021 10:55

This is not a good relationship. He's not over her. He hasn't processed his divorce and all that entails. And he makes you feel like, at best, the consolation prize.

This is what I'm scared of. He says he has no feelings for her whatsoever and that he wishes he could have nothing to do with her etc. But I just feel so second best.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 08/05/2021 10:59

I totally agree with @FishyFriday.

Op - it's not you - you've just been unfortunate to meet & fall for a man who is not over the break up of his marriage.
It may be hard but if I were you I would leave as your self esteem (no matter how confident a person you are) will take an absolute hammering if you stay with this man.
A therapist once said to me that after years of suffering psychological abuse my standards of expectation of other people's behaviour was very low & while I may be projecting could this be going on here?
Is it possible this man looks great in comparison to your ex? But in reality he's not giving you the care, attention & more importantly the respect you deserve.

Magda72 · 08/05/2021 11:02

It also sounds like his ex is quiet happy to keep him on a tight rein & he seems very happy to let this happen.
I don't subscribe to the whole "I have to for the sake of the dc" rubbish. It is possible to prioritise both your dc AND your partner - plenty do.

FindingMeno · 08/05/2021 11:02

Only you can decide.
Personally I'm good with the knowledge of some love and care existing still between two people who had a child/ children together, even if they couldn't make a relationship work.

user648482729 · 08/05/2021 11:04

This wouldn’t be enough for me; his life is still wrapped up with hers and he’s not over her. I’m a bit worried that he hasn’t introduced you because he’s hoping they’ll get back together but I hope I’m wrong there.
While DC need to be a priority there also need to be boundaries with an ex and it doesn’t sound like there are any

FishyFriday · 08/05/2021 11:05

@Secondtimearoun

This is not a good relationship. He's not over her. He hasn't processed his divorce and all that entails. And he makes you feel like, at best, the consolation prize.

This is what I'm scared of. He says he has no feelings for her whatsoever and that he wishes he could have nothing to do with her etc. But I just feel so second best.

The thing is, people who have no feelings for their ex have literally no strong feelings at all. Negative or positive. They don't go on about how she ruined his life. Or that he wishes he never met her. Or that she's the perfect parent. They have accepted the relationship is over and have moved on. So whatever they felt is no longer relevant.

As worrying is that he hasn't accepted the divorce and sees his kids as victims of it. That's not a parenting after divorce dynamic you want to touch with a barge pole, even if he weren't still very much emotionally entangled in the end of his previous relationship.

You can do so much better than this. 46 is not past it. Sure, people have had lives but they don't necessarily come with baggage like this.

Magda72 · 08/05/2021 11:06

@FindingMeno this is not love & care though. Love & care post divorce involves respecting boundaries & being supportive of both parties moving on!
Neither has moved on here. The dp won't tell exw of op's existence & the exw is treating the dp like a henpecked idiot husband - not must respect there imo.

FishyFriday · 08/05/2021 11:07

@FindingMeno

Only you can decide. Personally I'm good with the knowledge of some love and care existing still between two people who had a child/ children together, even if they couldn't make a relationship work.
It's not some lingering sense of love and care though. He seems to not have moved on from the point at which his relationship broke down.

It's ridiculous that he's even considered entering into a new relationship when he hasn't processed his divorce in any way.

Magda72 · 08/05/2021 11:07

Much respect

FindingMeno · 08/05/2021 11:11

Yes, I get what pp's are saying.
Tricky.

Original poster
Secondtimearoun · 08/05/2021 11:29

I do understand she needs to be involved , they share care of 2 children but it does feel like she still treats him like a husband.
Although to be fair, contact IS only about the dc, there's just such a lot of it !
He pushes back a lot, tells her she can't tell him what to do on his days etc. What he does with them is his business etc.
The thing is, she ended it, yet she's the one that contacts him !
I am struggling.
I love him, but it looks like if I stay with him I will always have a part time boyfriend and I'm not sure that's what I want.
On the other hand blending would never work and he doesn't want that anyway.

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 11:41

It doesn't sound like he is at a stage ready to have a new partner tbh. He needs a couple of years to get boundaries firmly in place and get over his divorce.

KatherineJaneway · 08/05/2021 11:43

To be honest they are still acting as if they are married, they just don't have sex or live at the same address.

His comments make it sound like he has not moved on. No his ex is not entitled to know his business but it is odd he has not mentioned you to her as it has been 18 months, not 6 months.

If you love him you can carry on but with the knowledge the situation might never change.

Tiredoftattler · 08/05/2021 12:27

OP, only you can decide if you can or want to live within the parameters that your partner is offering. It sounds as tough he has Bee open and is not hiding any aspects of his parenting style and coparenting relationship.

You have every right and obligation to yourself to be open with your feelings and expectations. At this point , you are disrespecting yourself if you are remaining in a situation that you personally find objectionable out of fear that nothing better or different will come along. The unhappiness that you are feeling stems from your quiet acceptance of a situation that on its face is making you unhappy.

Your partner has young children. While he is no longer a husband, he has all of the obligations that a father has to young children. Those obligations are not tied to with whom or where he lives.

You have an obligation to yourself to try and live your best life. Not every man or woman who is good to you is always good for you. It sounds as though the 2 of you may be close in age but a very different places in your life stages This may be a gap too great for either of you to comfortably bridge without flexibility and compromise.

If the 2 of you are not compatible in the areas of flexibility and willingness to compromise then this not be the long term relationship for either of you. If he were in the same stage of life as you, things might have a better chance of providing that which you want.

Look within yourself and decide what you want or need in a relationship. If what he is offering is not what you need then neither of you are wrong. You are simply not compatible. One of the purposes and outcomes of dating is to get to know someone well enough to determine if you are compatible.

It is not a relationship failure to be incompatible; it is simply an existing difference between the 2 of you.

It is quite possible to love someone with whom you are incompatible; it is far less easy to live comfortably with someone when there is incompatibility in significant areas.

sassbott · 09/05/2021 15:35

@Secondtimearoun my heart goes out to you.

He’s not over his divorce. He’s still heartbroken and reeling from the loss / break up of his family. His comments clearly show that. Until he comes to terms with the fact that his life is different and implements boundaries that allow him to be there for his kids and equally a partner - this will continue.

I will say he may never get there. I see men years later still running around with the children to the whims of the exwives, it works for them and they seem happy. None of them are able to hold down a relationship (and bluntly they’re not emotionally available for one either). They date/ have sex and yet the center of their world remains their exwives and children. That’s their choice and it’s for no one to say it’s wrong.

Personally? In your situation with grown up children? Get on with building your life. Travel, get hobbies, date. This man isn’t available to build anything with you right now.

Malena77 · 09/05/2021 18:08

Run. He’s not even close to being ready for a new, healthy, supportive relationship.

user47000000000 · 09/05/2021 21:02

Run for the hills!!!!!

1,000,000%

Original poster
Secondtimearoun · 10/05/2021 15:17

So we had a long long chat this weekend.
We talked about the future and how he sees it
He believes we have commitment without cohabitation and that he loves me very much etc.
He is wary about living together etc and then asked me if he could be honest.
He said that part of the reason he hasn't told exw about me and why he would be wary of us moving in together was incase it spurred her to do the same.
He said the thought of another man living with his children made him feel physically sick.
I do believe him, but there's just this nagging doubt.
I love him, I really do but I'm so fed up of being second.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 10/05/2021 15:29

He said that part of the reason he hasn't told exw about me and why he would be wary of us moving in together was incase it spurred her to do the same.
He said the thought of another man living with his children made him feel physically sick.
@Secondtimearoun - I'm sorry, but again this is further evidence that he has not moved on.
I'm not saying it's easy on any parent to know someone else is living with their dc but parents who have dealt with their post separation/divorce trauma are able to handle it & move on with their lives.
He may very well believe he loves you but the fact of the matter is he is not ready or available to love you.
You deserve so much more & honestly if I were you I'd be ending this.
You're never going to have a mutually loving and respectful relationship until he gets over his divorce.
In reality he needs to be alone without an emotional crutch (you) in order to sort himself out.

RedMarauder · 10/05/2021 16:18

Time for you to move on OP.

This is not a long term relationship.

His actions do not follow his words.

He wants a relationship with no strings attached as he isn't over his marriage plus has primary school aged children.

You have older children and are at a different stage in your life so you are not unreasonable in wanting a relationship with commitment.

Aprilwasverywet · 10/05/2021 16:21

Imagine being dropped at every dc related moment for the next 10 years plus... He has no intention of forging himself a life.

RandomMess · 10/05/2021 16:22

How does he know there isn't another man in her life?

There will be a new partner at some point.

Malena77 · 10/05/2021 16:52

OP - I second @Magda72. He has not moved on and you are looking at YEARS of this mess. Think growing resentment and never getting your needs fully met.
You may have a beautiful love story but there’s no beautiful life story together ahead.

whatevenami · 10/05/2021 19:20

I'm sorry to say this, and I'm sure I'm completely wrong, but it may be worth digging deeper into why they split up? In my experience, it's very rare for a mother to leave / cheat on the husband with kids so young (for a start they wouldn't have the time?!) and I just can't see that he would give her that much time if she had cheated etc, or whatever he is claiming. It also sounds like she doesn't trust him, so there might be something else in this and you deserve to know the truth whatever that might be. Sorry, but I've had this done twice to me where the guy (with primary age children) has said to me 'she just left me' and blamed the woman, and both times the guy had done something massive (cheated) to just implode the family unit. When your kids are that young, as a mother you try everything to keep the family together, unless something unimaginable has happened.