Should I carry on?

[Secondtimearoun]

Dp and I have been together 18 months, he's been separated for 4 years divorced for 2. We don't live together, I have older teens that he has met twice very recently.
He has 2 primary school age that are unaware I exist. I understand that, he wants to go slow as the dc especially the youngest, still expresses a wish her parents were together and gets tearful.
Dp didn't instigate the divorce and often feels guilty that his dc are upset and that his family is split. He tells me often how much she has destroyed his life, he's gutted he built a life with her, wishes he had never met her etc but has to move on. They share the dc 5050 and are civil and polite over phone and text.
The thing I'm struggling with is accepting that she will always be around and he will always defer to her and I'm the one he's " ended up with " .He seems to think she is the best parent in the world and what she says goes.
She texts him all the time. Daily.
Reminding him about clubs, homework, washing, how to brush hair properly, how to wipe bums properly, can he stop doing this, can he do that..
It must be exhausting. She has booked clubs and activities for every Saturday and Sunday and has asked him for help taking them to them as the times clash. So this means on the weekends we are together he has to leave to run children around and we ca never go away or do anything. He says " it's for the children I have to do it for them "
She doesn't know I exist either as he says his life is nothing to do with her.
I don't know what I'm asking really.
I think I've just come to the realisation that I will always come very far down in the pecking order.
I love him, he tells me he loves me, we spend amazing time together but is this it for me ?
I'm 46 and my children are grown. He's 52 with small ones so nothing will change for a good while. He doesn't want us to live together either.
I don't want to end it, but after ending an abusive marriage I want someone to share my life with.
I love him so much. Part of me wonders if I should just wait it out and see what happens. He recently told his youngest he has a friend and showed her my picture so he's moving slowly but moving.
Will things ever change
I'm 46 now so meeting someone without similar baggage is pretty unlikely I would imagine.

100% with @Magda72 on this one. He isn’t available. Take it from those of us who have earned these stripes the hard way and lost years of our lives to men enmeshed with their exwives/ stuck in something bigger than building a healthy new relationship.

I’m sure you love him and I’m sure he thinks he loves you. But this is not anything close to a fulfilling relationship for you.

In my experience, it's very rare for a mother to leave / cheat on the husband with kids so young (for a start they wouldn't have the time?!)

It's really not that rare. Just think of the amount of men who are raising a child who isn't theirs, because their wife was having an affair.

Women do cheat with young kids and they have a number of reasons/excuses for doing so. When they want to find the time, they will.

Have a look on the adultery sub on reddit and you'll see how boastful, both men and women with young kids are about their long and short term affairs and cheating.

OP.. what he wants is the company of a woman like you for companionship and intimacy, but to have his separate life with his kids and Ex wife. Not that he's in a relationship with her, but he really wants to keep her sweet and if she ever decides sge wants him back, you'll be dropped like a hot potato.

Op, at 46 you are right that everyone will have some sort of baggage, but you are very likely to find someone with older children or even young adult. I wouldn’t start a relationship now with someone with primary age children.

The thing about him not wanting someone to live with his ex and kids is a bit tricky as I don’t necessarily think it means he hasn’t moved on in and of itself - some men really struggle with their role of father / man of house being usurped. DP says now he’s got to place where he’s ok with it but I suspect when it actually happens he will struggle, and he’s been divorced 7 years.

He seems nice but I don’t think he the right person for you. He doesn’t have the time to be a proper partner to you.

I would encourage you to end your relationship but remain friends. Give yourself time and go out there again! This time don’t be second best.

He said that part of the reason he hasn't told exw about me and why he would be wary of us moving in together was incase it spurred her to do the same

Translation - "i'm not ready for a serious/committed/longterm relationship....got to try to move on though....you'll do for now though i'm keeping you a secret from those who know me cos i'm not serious about you......in the meantime i'm hoping the ex won't move on and perhaps we'll have a chance again if i bend over backwards to keep her 'happy'"

Run. Seriously. Who needs this drama.... and your kids are grown up, why start again...

Good luck

I don't think you're getting the relationship you need or deserve. You're right that at your age many men you meet might have children or 'baggage' but how they manage that respective of a new partner can be completely different. My DP has 2 kids, they come before all else, obviously, but I'm still a priority in his life and I think that's really important, otherwise you will just start to feel insecure and resentful (if you're not already after 18 months).

He has been honest with you about why he wouldn't want you to live together or introduce you, which is good for him but it also highlights that his life decisions are going to be based around not just his children, but also his ex and how she might respond to them. He's never going to be able to give himself or his thoughts to you in the way that a partner should.