How many extracurricular activities are appropriate?

[NinaBernina]

Hi all
First post so please be gentle!
My partner has 2 lovely children (age 8 and 10) who live with their Mum.
They do loads of extracurricular activities which makes it really difficult for him to plan any time to do his own activities with them during his contact time. They always have some show/event/competition/training planned every weekend which their Mum insists they go to.
Is this reasonable? He's happy to support the children with their hobbies, but when it completely dominates the time he spends with them it seems a bit unreasonable?
I'd be interested to hear others' thoughts and how they manage with activities and separated parents.

My daughter does a ton of stuff. Some competitive spots which she has to attend or she will be kicked of the team and some fun sports and other activities. She also has tutoring because she has dyslexia. We both think she should do less but she wants to do everything and can’t choose what to give up. It’s annoying and impacts on our plans but that’s life when you have sporty kids. She misses practice if she wants to go to a party or similar but not just for a trip to the cinema. So far non of her competitions have clashed with anything important but we know in advance when competition season is and don’t book holidays.
What was it like when they were together? Did he let their mum organise and take them to everything and now he has to take them himself he is causing a fuss?

My OH’s EW signed the kids up for activities which impacted dads EOW’s. With absolutely no discussion (as in her mind she’s the most important & she decided).

There was a Friday football training, Saturday swimming, Sunday football matched. All across different parts of town - my OH spent the whole weekend driving them around.

At first he obliged but it wasn’t sustainable and it meant we couldn’t do things like have dinner together.

When she stopped contact weekends as she had decided that friends parties were more important than spending EOW with dad, enough was enough.

He took her to court for breaching the contact order and the judge told her that contact with the father was more important than kids parties or ex curricula activities. Dad got to decide what he did on his time, not her.

Looking at both sides here....
What if the children want to do these activities?? I really dont think shes forcing them to do them tbh especially if they are every week and sometimes things are...
I have 4 girls and we have done swimming and ballet every week for the past 4 years...yes with the odd week off but not really and would I want to pay whilst they go sit round somewhere else??? Nope.

Maybe Dad could spend one on one time with them going to the clubs? Instead of just blaming mum for giving the children things to do, especially over the last year? Whats happened over COVID whilst clubs have been cancelled? How much time has Dad spent with them over weekends there?

It has to work for everyone, could maybe the children come over during the week if needs be? Dad could collect from school etc?
Its kinda got to work for everyone but in the best interest for the children.

@NorthernSpirit why couldn’t you have dinner after football matches? Or on Saturdays after swimming? They didn’t swim 9am-7pm surely? I find it really sad that a dad wouldnt take his child to activities or birthday parties because he wanted to play fun dad instead. If he was still with his ex wife his life would’ve been carting around to activities like the majority of parents. I found your post really sad for the DC. My cousin had a similar childhood and was miserable. Never going to friends parties or coming to play at ours because her dad insisted of playing fun dad with his new girlfriend. She had to change her clubs to week day evening ones were she knew nobody and ended up quitting them all. She was a competitive swimmer but her dad wouldn’t ever take her swimming on Saturday mornings so she ended up falling behind.
People really need to think of the DC.

@Checkingout811 - it wasn’t sustainable as we live an hour from where the kids live. We would love to live closer but the mother is in the FMH where all his equity is tied up & we can’t afford to live closer.

As examples.....

On a Friday EOW he would pick the kids up at 5pm take the kids to football practice (2 lots) and arrive home at 8:30pm.

On a Saturday he would leave the house at 9am drive an hour across town, an hour or so swimming lessons, then drive an hour back.

On Sunday he would drive an hour to their footfall, take both kids to games and then drop them home.

I agree with judges, kids spending time with a parent (in our case they spend 47 hours with dad every two weeks) that’s more important than spending time at a kids party).

Parents need to be flexible on activities - as a kid I fitted in with my parents (which I agree with) rather than kids ruling lives.

[quote Checkingout811]@NorthernSpirit why couldn’t you have dinner after football matches? Or on Saturdays after swimming? They didn’t swim 9am-7pm surely? I find it really sad that a dad wouldnt take his child to activities or birthday parties because he wanted to play fun dad instead. If he was still with his ex wife his life would’ve been carting around to activities like the majority of parents. I found your post really sad for the DC. My cousin had a similar childhood and was miserable. Never going to friends parties or coming to play at ours because her dad insisted of playing fun dad with his new girlfriend. She had to change her clubs to week day evening ones were she knew nobody and ended up quitting them all. She was a competitive swimmer but her dad wouldn’t ever take her swimming on Saturday mornings so she ended up falling behind.
People really need to think of the DC.[/quote]
I agree, taking children to parties etc is part and parcel of having children!

When DS was young we had it put into a court order that ex had to allow DS to go to parties - unless obviously there was a real reason he couldn't. He never took him anywhere, not because he couldn't or was doing something else, but because he felt DS didn't need to go to them. It was his right to say no.

To help, I'd always offer to help with transport and offer time to make up the 2/3 hours of the party. I was always flexible with contact, DS's Dad was always welcome to arrange to see him after school/holidays etc, he just chose not to. DS wasn't going to miss out on normal childhood stuff just because his Dad didn't want to take him to it, or see him another time

Ex hated me for it and claimed I was suggesting he should be taking him to things out of spite . TBH I couldn't really give a monkeys what he did, DS attending parties etc wasn't for my benefit..! Ultimately I could see the upset for DS and feared eventually if his Dad constantly stopped him going he'd refuse to visit him. As it is, things never really got better and he doesn't see much of him now.

[quote NorthernSpirit]@Checkingout811 - it wasn’t sustainable as we live an hour from where the kids live. We would love to live closer but the mother is in the FMH where all his equity is tied up & we can’t afford to live closer.

As examples.....

On a Friday EOW he would pick the kids up at 5pm take the kids to football practice (2 lots) and arrive home at 8:30pm.

On a Saturday he would leave the house at 9am drive an hour across town, an hour or so swimming lessons, then drive an hour back.

On Sunday he would drive an hour to their footfall, take both kids to games and then drop them home.

I agree with judges, kids spending time with a parent (in our case they spend 47 hours with dad every two weeks) that’s more important than spending time at a kids party).

Parents need to be flexible on activities - as a kid I fitted in with my parents (which I agree with) rather than kids ruling lives.[/quote]
That's a ridiculous timetable!

Do they do the activities during their time with mum too?
I actually like taking mine to activities and the time chatting to them and seeing them develop new skills and have new adventures.

My exH is an awful man but even he doesn't fuss about taking children to their activities.

Why should the children of divorced parents miss out on a very normal part of childhood?

@NorthernSpirit football training, a match and swimming lessons is hardly an excessive number of hobbies. I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't even make those fairly rudimentary hobbies work for his kids. I bet you could afford somewhere closer, it was a choice to live so far away from the children.

My impression is that most kids do one activity on a Saturday and another on a Sunday. Or at least they do around here - there's another thread going on MN about how many/what activities kids do and most do quite a few on a weekend. I think a lot of family time is spent on ferrying kids around on the weekend.Depending on childcare, it may also not be possible for them to do any more of them during the week - mine can do a couple but thats it as I simply cant pick them up from school and ferry them to their clubs more than twice a week.

@KeyboardWorriers

Do they do the activities during their time with mum too? I actually like taking mine to activities and the time chatting to them and seeing them develop new skills and have new adventures.

My exH is an awful man but even he doesn't fuss about taking children to their activities.

Why should the children of divorced parents miss out on a very normal part of childhood?

It is a lot if it's an hour each way every day. If my DS was in that situation I'd say he needs to choose one of the hobbies and maybe another that doesn't always take up weekends. There's got to be a middle ground, I don't think children should dictate what happens in a family, but I personally feel they have a right to a voice too - it's about getting the balance right.

Personally , and I know I'll be jumped on for this, but I really struggle hearing of NRP who do things to appear to spite their exes, or taking the ex to court over stopping activities/parties etc. You may as well take your child to court, that's who is the one missing out..
in the long run, as tough as it sounds, the child will make a decision. If there was something DS wanted to go to he used to say "I can see Dad whenever, I won't get to go to again" which was wise words for a young child. His Dad used to talk about him like he was a possession, and I'll be honest it's caused a lot of arguments between Ex and I (not in front of DS) . In his opinion DS wasn't entitled to have a say in anything, in my opinion DS shouldn't be controlling everything, but he should have a say. It wasn't DS's fault that he had separated parents.
Ultimately I did that to stand up to DS's Dad, but also as I could see what was coming so was trying to protect their relationship - Ex pretty much ignored it though and now DS has as much time for his Dad as his Dad had for him.. Children aren't stupid. That was an extreme case though, his Dad is just bloody hard work!

@ALevelhelp it isn't the child's fault their dad moved an hour's drive away though.

I am a step parent and no way would DH (or us, once a couple) have moved any distance from his children.

I also agree that children start to vote with their feet as they get a bit older and their voice becomes the one the court listens to

Indeed even at 9 the court said if my son was refusing to go to his dad's then they wouldn't be forcing him to go.

thanks again for all taking the time to share your perspectives, it definitely shows that there isn't a one size fits all approach!
Just to add he's a fab dad - he's happy to do all the things the children want to do - it's just not always clear that it actually IS what the children want to do or whether they have been told it's what will happen.
I've been quite careful to state the facts of the case and not bash Mum, but she is quite a controlling character and so it's her way or the high way I'm afraid. she has withheld the children in the past and I'm sure she would do so again if she felt like it.
Anyway, my OH will be chatting to the children about their wants and needs now that things are starting up again and getting back to normal, in the hope we can get more of a balance.