Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP just out of interest, you are going to offer to split the cost of school clothes, any after school clubs or activities? Because you can stop CMS by having him more, if the child is happy for that, but you can't not pay anything. It's not for the mother to pay for all activities and and other bills alone. That's a pretty shitty person if someone could do that.

@ThisIsSimplyBeyond

If he is actively choosing not to pay for his other child, and you agree with that decision, you are enabling him in the financial abuse of his ex partner. Watch out though, karma's a bitch.

Not if mum is happy to reduce her contact time so the kids can see him more. OP would have to finance them when they are with their dad though.

@EarringsandLipstick

She's already said she's happy to have his child 50/50 so she's clearly already agreed to it and knows what it entails.

It doesn't sound like it.

OP's point is that they can't afford the current £250 CM that's paid. Therefore how will they afford all the shared costs - that's clothing, activities, shoes, uniform, school books, presents and so on, in addition to the extra food costs? I don't think this has been considered at all, and it's appalling behaviour by both OP & her husband.

It was cheaper for us to have dss full time than what dp paid in maintenance and extras and we paid for everything

We already had a house, bedroom, clothes, uniform etc already paid for trips so for us it was actually easier. If ops dp already pays half of extras it won't make a great deal of difference I imagine.

@anon12345678901

OP just out of interest, you are going to offer to split the cost of school clothes, any after school clubs or activities? Because you can stop CMS by having him more, if the child is happy for that, but you can't not pay anything. It's not for the mother to pay for all activities and and other bills alone. That's a pretty shitty person if someone could do that.

I thought that was a given. 50/50 would mean 50/50 of the school costs etc.

He might not leave, but he already has one broken relationship to his name, and from that you know what kind of person he is

What do you mean by this? If single fathers are so terrible, then wouldn’t that also apply to single mothers? How does having “broken relationships” in your past determine what kind of person you are?

And honestly, a father wanting to get the maximum contact of 50/50 with his elder child is the opposite of that child being put below the new child in “pecking order”.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"How is the mother of his child expected to make up this loss of income? Oh so you'll have his child more. So she gets less time with her child so you can manipulate the system to make her work more. Absolutely disgusting. You both sound vile"

I agree.

Why does it only matter about mum's time? What about what dad wants, that doesn't matter?

It's only ever mum's time and dad's money isn't it.

@ThatIsMyPotato I would have thought so but that doesn't mean that's what they're thinking. Im just checking the OP has factored in an amount for those kind of things and not thinking the mum will pay for it all.

I will never understand how anyone can respect a partner who chooses to opt of financially supporting their children. I mean how can any women find that attractive? Has he no self respect?
As for suggesting 50/50, what now that it suits you you think a mother should give up seeing her child 50% of the time, doubt the child who's dad couldn't be asred until it suited him financially would either. Would you be happy to only see your baby 50% of the week OP? Well you can't say you didn't what kind of man he was should things go tits up in your relationship, best hold onto that job as you certainly won't be able to rely on his financial support.

@anon12345678901 fair enough - it definitely pays not to assume!

Perhaps his ex now lives with her multi millionaire new friend in a mansion and would think £250 is what you tip the bin man at Christmas?

We're all just making things up.

Lots of SAHD's actually enjoy being dads, maybe being a SAHD and even being the RP would be good for them. None of us know.

The original question was if he does become a sahd would he be liable for CMS, probably not.

What works for them and the ex is for them to sort out, we have no idea what their circumstances are. For all we know she left to be with her new lover taking the child with her. They may well love the first child and be keen on being able to take on more physical responsibilty rather than finacial, who knows, not us.

OP, when your DH proposed becoming a SAHD, did he mention anything about how he would continue to pay CS for his older child? Is he expecting you to pay it, or has he just not thought about it?

If he wanted 50:50, he wouldn't have them less now. Whatever "reason" he had, it could still have worked if he'd wanted it, and is an excuse not a reason. The fact it's only being suggested now shows it was never actually his priority to do 50% of your stepchilds rearing, merely a way to conveniently feel less bad about now choosing (and being supported in that choice by you OP) not to pay CM.

That is, presuming in the last two years min (guess based on you having an 18m old together) that he hasn't done 50:50? What's been his reason til now?

50:50 doesn't mean the older child won't need to be budgeted for. You will be expected to pay for half or clothes, clubs, school trips etc etc.

@Toty

I will never understand how anyone can respect a partner who chooses to opt of financially supporting their children. I mean how can any women find that attractive? Has he no self respect? As for suggesting 50/50, what now that it suits you you think a mother should give up seeing her child 50% of the time, doubt the child who's dad couldn't be asred until it suited him financially would either. Would you be happy to only see your baby 50% of the week OP? Well you can't say you didn't what kind of man he was should things go tits up in your relationship, best hold onto that job as you certainly won't be able to rely on his financial support.

So you'd not respect a sahm either? Wow.

@Toty

I will never understand how anyone can respect a partner who chooses to opt of financially supporting their children. I mean how can any women find that attractive? Has he no self respect? As for suggesting 50/50, what now that it suits you you think a mother should give up seeing her child 50% of the time, doubt the child who's dad couldn't be asred until it suited him financially would either. Would you be happy to only see your baby 50% of the week OP? Well you can't say you didn't what kind of man he was should things go tits up in your relationship, best hold onto that job as you certainly won't be able to rely on his financial support.

Why is ok for a dad to only have eow then? If mum can't possibly only have 50%?

Is a mum a higher grade of parent?

@Toty

I will never understand how anyone can respect a partner who chooses to opt of financially supporting their children. I mean how can any women find that attractive? Has he no self respect? As for suggesting 50/50, what now that it suits you you think a mother should give up seeing her child 50% of the time, doubt the child who's dad couldn't be asred until it suited him financially would either. Would you be happy to only see your baby 50% of the week OP? Well you can't say you didn't what kind of man he was should things go tits up in your relationship, best hold onto that job as you certainly won't be able to rely on his financial support.

I'll add to that - not only would you be happy to give your child away for 50% of the time, but would you be happy to do 90% of the parenting for years while your ex sends money, then have him quit his job, "unfortunately" be unable to send money, so then take the child (who he didn't want 50% of the time before, but does now because it suits him)?

I'm sure you'll say that you'd be perfectly happy with that, but I promise you that when it happens it doesn't feel like it's the best decision for your child.

You’re doing what is best for you baby, who is doing what’s best for the step child? Shocking.

Just keep paying the 250 then it's a non issue anyway. I dont even get why this is worth a thread. Q

It's only ever mum's time and dad's money isn't it

So true.

And on other threads mums complain about fathers that have no interest in their DC. He might actually want to be a SAHD because a) it makes financial sense and b) he can have a better relationship with both DC's.

Is the £250 what he should pay ? I.e using the CMS calculator? If he's underpaying already, I think that yes perhaps you negotiate 50:50 or continue to pay it. How do you feel about that ? Would in time become resentful ? Will he return to work when children are at school? Could he work part time instead ?

@Britsmums11
It is not the strength of your marriage that is in question, but the strength of his character that is in question.

It is most likely that at least on 1 day in the past that he professed his love and commitment to his first child and even to his ex. Clearly, none of those feelings stood the test of time.

Please do not lull yourself in to thinking that your situation will necessarily prove to be better or longer lasting because you are a better wife or that he is more committed to your child and your relationship. He still brings the same character that be brought to his prior relationship.

If he were to work 2 jobs, it would allow him to pay his child maintenance and contribute to the cost of the minding fee for your child.

As previously stated, many men work 2_jobs to support their families. If he feels the need to have multiple children, why would he not feel the need to get multiple jobs?

As a point of disclosure, my thoughts would be exactly the same about a female who while not being able to support her child was opting to be a SAHM.

Is your spouse modeling behavior that you one day hope to see your child embrace?

He can't pay if he's not working, but he can offer more childcare for both children, then his ex can work without having to pay for childcare.
Seems the best option.
It does seem counter productive to work and all your salary + more going on childcare, I wouldn't do it either, that's ok if you are rich.

I'm normally pretty aghast at how SPs are treated on Mumsnet... But this is awful OP. You can't just "decide" DSS can come 50:50, just so that your baby can have a SAHP! What if DSS doesn't want to? 50:50 should be decided in the best interests of the child and, up til now, you've all clearly been happy that his best interests are served with the current contact arrangements. Your comment about having tunnel vision and only considering your baby is really poor. Imagine how you would feel - and how your DS would feel - down the line, if you were in his ex's shoes and were basically told you have to accept less CMS (£250 is a pittance anyway - I get less than that from my son's DF and I think it's a total travesty on the part of the CMS, but that's a whole other thread...) OR send your son to live 50:50 with your ex and his new partner, who blatantly admits that your son's needs are less important than her new baby's? Really - give your head a BIG wobble and either accept the fact that DSS is part of your family and must be taken into account in financial decisions, no matter where he lives, or consider whether this is the right relationship for you to be in.

@Britsmums11

I'm not sure why lots of people are assuming my husband will leave me ? That's not the point of the post.

I can tell you we have a strong marriage and whether that lasts is not something you can predict.

It's to try and make you see stand how unfair your actions are to the first child and the RP. At some point that could be you, so how would you feel in that situation.