Page 13 | Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

Britsmums11 · 2021-04-30T19:04:51+00:00

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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excelledyourself · 01/05/2021 15:49

What have I missed? Where has OP told us that the stepchild goes to paid childcare, that dad will now cover, or even what age the child is?

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/05/2021 15:53

@EnoughnowIthink

He is offering to be a SAHD for both his children

Lovely. How is he going to pay for half of his first child's costs? .

Same as any SAHM, front the joint family finances. Come on, you see men as waking cash machines. You see their role is the traditional one of provider to his children. He must go out to work and bring home a pay packet to the mother.

It’s 2021, not 1921. Your view is entrenched in old fashioned sexism.

dattenboroughiskingoftheworld · 01/05/2021 15:54

@EnoughnowIthink

If someone thinks oh I'll not support my own children then that's on them not me

That's the lazy person's way of looking at it. The non payment of child maintenance in endemic in our society. It is supported by all of us when we assume that it's a private/behind closed doors/there must be more to it kind of thing. Few of us would drop a friendship or call out a work colleague who openly declares 'I'm not paying the bitch a penny 'cos she can afford to go out with her friends and drink vodka'. But we should. We absolutely should challenge the thousands of men (usually men) out there who make children women's business. Children are the business of both parents.

Slagging off the ex with comments about her vodka habit, openly declaring you don't pay maintenance or 'she got the house why would I give her anything' needs to become as socially unacceptable as smoking over a baby or drink driving. The non-payment of maintenance wouldn't happen as much as it does if we called men out on it. If we dropped them from our social circles or shunned them from events or told them it simply isn't good enough and behaved coldly towards them. In it's simplest terms, arbitarily and unilaterally deciding your ex can manage isn't good enough. Supporting a man who makes such decisions shouldn't be good enough for any woman either. Sadly for many children out there, there is no end to the number of women happy to be with men who shirk their responsibilities.

Of course the complexity of adding in new children, blending families makes things very difficult. What I can't personally stand is the assumption that because things have changed for you, they also have to change for the ex. I have lost count of the times i have ordered my life around my ex's contact only to have him decide that contact no longer suits his life and it must change. I have never had the opportunity to say no because the long and short is he will simply not pick up the children when he should. So my life is constantly on hold whilst he makes the most of his. The ex in the OP's situation, may well welcome 50/50 for a whole host of reasons and things will work out great for all concerned. Or she may not. But I suspect she'll have to suck it up and she'll have to fill in the financial gap (because there will be one) and the OP and her husband will justify it because 'she gets all the benefits' and because, ultimately, it works for them.

The biggest thing that needs to change for children of separated families is adults accepting that children are a lifelong responsibility and that children should be a parent's first concern when moving into anything new. Unfortunately, we are selfish beings and kid ourselves that if we are happy, so are our children.

You are so much more eloquent than me! You have hit the nail on the head +++ I get clouded by my own situation. My ex thinks the children are pay per view and he withholds seeing them in an attempt to stop me pulling him up when his behaviour isn't good enough (it doesn't work but like pavlov's dog he may get the message eventually). He is being forced to pay CMS and that has prompted his latest campaign of harassment against me. I have broad shoulders!

TwinsAndTrifle · 01/05/2021 15:56

@NerrSnerr

All about the money for some people isn't it.

Yes I can explain how he will contribute. Exactly the same as he will for his resident child. In that he won't. Look at it this way. Dad has two children. Each costs £1000 a month to put in childcare. Dad stays at home and saves Mother A and Mother B all their childcare costs.

Each child costs £750 a month in food, clothes, all incidentals and overheads, etc. Mother A goes out to work and covers this for her child. Mother B has the opportunity to work full time now, but doesn't fancy it. She doesn't get an extra couple of hundred a month while sitting at home. Let's blame the father eh. The ex shouldn't have to work to pay for her kids at all right, while OP works full time

dattenboroughiskingoftheworld · 01/05/2021 15:57

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@dattenboroughiskingoftheworld

Yes others have read it that way but I think it purely because OP just wanted the answer to how CMS is calculated in such a situation. That doesn’t mean money is her primary focus. It simply means that was one piece of the puzzle that she didn’t have the answer to.
Why should she have to post a huge backstory and justification listing all the reasons why they are considering a SAHD set up? That’s private. So I don’t see the lack of a backstory = that all she cares about is money. I see it as, she had a specific question on CMS and that’s all she wants. She doesn’t want advice or judgement on SAHDs.[/quote]
She way not have asked or wanted the thread to go a certain way but it has. That's because there are many people with many views and on MN it is impossible to control the responses if they meet talk guidelines. You take the risk of having your arse handed on a plate when you start a thread here. It's not for the feint hearted 😂

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 15:57

*Same as any SAHM, front the joint family finances.
Come on, you see men as waking cash machines. You see their role is the traditional one of provider to his children. He must go out to work and bring home a pay packet to the mother.
*

But the OP has said that she cannot afford to pay the £250 CMS so how will they afford half of his costs? That's the point.

Holshicup · 01/05/2021 15:59

Personally I think this stinks.
What if his child doesn't want to suddenly change his routine to suit others.
What if his mum relies on the payment to keep a roof over his head.
Utterly selfish op I would have no respect for a man who chose this, or a woman who went along with it.
As other posters suggested nothing to stop him working nights or weekends to provide for his child if need be although I suspect you won't be keen on this option.
Karma may come back and bite you on the bum because if he refuses to support one child he can refuse to support another.

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 16:01

[quote TwinsAndTrifle]@NerrSnerr

All about the money for some people isn't it.

Yes I can explain how he will contribute. Exactly the same as he will for his resident child. In that he won't. Look at it this way. Dad has two children. Each costs £1000 a month to put in childcare. Dad stays at home and saves Mother A and Mother B all their childcare costs.

Each child costs £750 a month in food, clothes, all incidentals and overheads, etc. Mother A goes out to work and covers this for her child. Mother B has the opportunity to work full time now, but doesn't fancy it. She doesn't get an extra couple of hundred a month while sitting at home. Let's blame the father eh. The ex shouldn't have to work to pay for her kids at all right, while OP works full time [/quote]
How do you know how old child 1 is? They may not be in childcare. How do you know their mum's job status? If she doesn't have a job she wouldn't be saving money on childcare anyway would she?

He should be contributing to his child's upbringing. It's not rocket science.

TwinsAndTrifle · 01/05/2021 16:03

"How will be pay for this... How will he pay for that?!"

Is everyone missing he will be covering 100% of the childcare and it's associated cost?? That's hundreds a month. Plus all food and activities while the child is there. So yeah, the ex will have to buy her own child it's school shoes. The audacity!

Jesus wept, the MN first wives club

excelledyourself · 01/05/2021 16:04

@TwinsAndTrifle

"How will be pay for this... How will he pay for that?!"

Is everyone missing he will be covering 100% of the childcare and it's associated cost?? That's hundreds a month. Plus all food and activities while the child is there. So yeah, the ex will have to buy her own child it's school shoes. The audacity!

Jesus wept, the MN first wives club

What childcare??

AerisAsh · 01/05/2021 16:05

@TwinsAndTrifle

Are you seriously saying that the father should sit on his arse looking after his children while parent 1 works more to provide everything for her and their child and parent 2 works to support him and their children. How is that acceptable, he sounds like a lazy twat that should work around his partners hours to provide something for both children.

How long will the mothers really put up with this?

If he really wanted to provide he would be trying to and not expecting them to do everything so he has an easy life.

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 16:06

@TwinsAndTrifle

"How will be pay for this... How will he pay for that?!"

Is everyone missing he will be covering 100% of the childcare and it's associated cost?? That's hundreds a month. Plus all food and activities while the child is there. So yeah, the ex will have to buy her own child it's school shoes. The audacity!

Jesus wept, the MN first wives club

The OP said she couldn't afford the CMS so how will they pay for the food, clothes and activities for when he is there? I'm not talking about giving the mum money, just the normal costs of parenting your child?

TwinsAndTrifle · 01/05/2021 16:07

The full time childcare he is providing by being a SAHD to BOTH of his children.

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 16:09

@TwinsAndTrifle

The full time childcare he is providing by being a SAHD to BOTH of his children.

Again. We do not know how much childcare the older child needs. They may be in school and not need any wrap around care. The OP hasn't mentioned this.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 16:11

@TwinsAndTrifle

The full time childcare he is providing by being a SAHD to BOTH of his children.

Maybe the first wife doesn't need his childcare. She's obviously managing perfectly well right now without it.

excelledyourself · 01/05/2021 16:12

@TwinsAndTrifle nobody knows that this child goes to paid childcare.

Jesus wept indeed

TwinsAndTrifle · 01/05/2021 16:12

Aeris

I'm a SAHM. I look after the children DH and I have together. I also have my DS from previous relationship, 100% of the time. ExP doesn't have DS at all, he does pay CMS.

By your reasoning, I'm also a lazy twat, sitting on my arse.

Vetyveriohohoh · 01/05/2021 16:13

He’s only proposing 50:50 so saving the ex wife maximum 2-3 days a week of after school club (so maybe £100 a month max) and that’s if they use it at all? Hardly full time childcare.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/05/2021 16:16

@TwinsAndTrifle

"How will be pay for this... How will he pay for that?!"

Is everyone missing he will be covering 100% of the childcare and it's associated cost?? That's hundreds a month. Plus all food and activities while the child is there. So yeah, the ex will have to buy her own child it's school shoes. The audacity!

Jesus wept, the MN first wives club

😂😂😂

That could be nil/month depending on the age of the child.

Teenagers: they wear adult sized clothing and grow (adult clothing costs more and is subject to higher VAT), they might need glasses or contacts, braces, etc., they need to have their haircut regularly, their activities are not cheap or free, they may need bus or travel fares to get around to see their mates or even go to school, a bike, pocket money to participate in activities with their mates, school trips, toiletries, a phone (they often use these in school), a laptop and printer for their studies, all sorts.

50/50 is quite common in the US. I have family there. It means just that, not just the custody, but the expenses regarding the support of the child. And it's awarded when it's demonstrated to be in the best interest of the child, not because one parent wants to skive out of paying a bean because he or she has chosen to have more kids with someone else.

TryingToBeLogical · 01/05/2021 16:18

“YellowGlasses

It sounds like you two deserve each other.

Just remember this, one day your baby will grow up and realise how you allowed/enabled their sibling to be financially disadvantaged and understand how their father’s actions impacted things. They won’t think of you well.”

Yellowglasses indeed!

Adult and are great at “spinning” their actions to children to make them sound fair or beneficial. But eventually kids become adults who form their own opinions about why people did what they did. Hurt the sibling and you hurt your child as well. You don’t want your baby to be the object of resentment do you? Do you want him/her to have a good relationship with their sibling and to have healthy memories of a childhood where they both mattered and were treated fairly by their dad? And dad’s wife?

TwinsAndTrifle · 01/05/2021 16:21

I love it. So presumably the ex who has the child full time, only actually has the child for 5 after school club sessions. Ohhhhhhhhhh the double standards

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/05/2021 16:22

@NerrSnerr

*Same as any SAHM, front the joint family finances. Come on, you see men as waking cash machines. You see their role is the traditional one of provider to his children. He must go out to work and bring home a pay packet to the mother. *

But the OP has said that she cannot afford to pay the £250 CMS so how will they afford half of his costs? That's the point.

No, OP said she could not afford CMS if it were calculated based on her salary. She hasn’t said that £250/mo or 50/50 is not affordable.

AerisAsh · 01/05/2021 16:24

@TwinsAndTrifle

Aeris

I'm a SAHM. I look after the children DH and I have together. I also have my DS from previous relationship, 100% of the time. ExP doesn't have DS at all, he does pay CMS.

By your reasoning, I'm also a lazy twat, sitting on my arse.

I don't understand why you are defending this man staying home to look after his children and not pay for them

Your situation is different where you are looking after your children and getting maintenance for one of them.

Would you like your ex to take over care and stop giving you the money your child has right to for their upbringing?

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/05/2021 16:25

[quote AerisAsh]@TwinsAndTrifle

Are you seriously saying that the father should sit on his arse looking after his children while parent 1 works more to provide everything for her and their child and parent 2 works to support him and their children. How is that acceptable, he sounds like a lazy twat that should work around his partners hours to provide something for both children.

How long will the mothers really put up with this?

If he really wanted to provide he would be trying to and not expecting them to do everything so he has an easy life.

[/quote]
Heaven help us. Another person stuck in the last century that thinks men are only good for providing money. SAHP isn’t “an easy life” nor are SAHPs “lazy twats”.

Oswin · 01/05/2021 16:27

@TwinsAndTrifle

"How will be pay for this... How will he pay for that?!"

Is everyone missing he will be covering 100% of the childcare and it's associated cost?? That's hundreds a month. Plus all food and activities while the child is there. So yeah, the ex will have to buy her own child it's school shoes. The audacity!

Jesus wept, the MN first wives club

Er no. If hes 50.50 he has to buy clothes, shoes etc still. Needs to provide everything while the child is there. He doesnt get to just entertain the child while the ex pays for everything.