At my wits end and I need a pep talk/cheering up.

[Themadcatparade]

I’m absolutely at my wits end with playing the step mother role and having our lives influenced and controlled by partners ex wife and my feelings in all of this getting cast aside by everyone else.

In summary for the last few years I’ve had to deal with horrible and bitter and manipulative behaviour, including her using her son as a pawn, her ruining our family holidays (every single one of them), plans being ruined, ringing the police for everything that is nothing and traumatising the children, stalking me on the school runs, impersonating me, stealing money off me through her son, my SS not being able to hug me or even talk to me in my own home half the time because his mum has scared him not to. And most recently, getting her child to ask me questions when her dads out of the room to get info about us and singing horrible songs about me that her mum had taught her thinking it’s funny but not knowing what it actually means (I have no doubt my SS loves and cares about me).

I think I blew my top yesterday when I went to pick up SS from school and got refused at the gate!

My DP was in court in January for an enforcement order against her withholding his son and alienating him, and she put in for an amendment to the court order so that only my partner can spend time with his son and no one else in the family which was cast aside as ridiculous by the court because it was impractical.

My partner and I always share the school runs around work and other life things so that it works for the whole family. He takes his son and my child to school on a Monday and Thursdays and i occasionally pick both of them up mid week so his son is not stuck in after school club until late and the children get more time together midweek after school.

Now last night when I got refused, the school said they had to ‘text his mum for permission’ for me to pick him up (on his ordered time) because she’d sent a solicitors letter in saying so, even though it’s not court ordered to do so. Which meant I was left anxious, humiliated, his son being confused over it, hanging around for another half an hour until my partner got to school, I was late for my first ever social event with a friend I haven’t seen for a year, and it was one big mess.

I know it’s not the schools fault and they have a duty of care but her attempt at blocking everything has really got to me because as much as it is between the two of them as parents it affects me and it affects my daughter also. She has tried blocking the both of us from school plays, any home learning his son has done at ours has been deleted by her when he’s been homeschooling here, any holidays we have planned and paid for she has made sure she has ruined by either witholding him or ringing the police or simply frightening her son so he will not talk and is tearful for the first day of any trip we do with the children.

I got angry last night at the upset of it all, I felt like I was an intruder at the school and had some space away which made me feel guilty for not being back in time for my SS’s bedtime.

Today I told my partner that I wasn’t to be involved in the school anymore because the anxiety it causes me just isn’t worth my mental health. I have just recently (the past two weeks) come out of a nasty long standing depression and I felt like I had my first happiness bubble burst yesterday and it was to do with her again. I’m aware it makes me look like the bad guy to him by not giving as much as he does to the family if I’m refusing to pick him up from school or reject his request for me to attend his play bless him. To be fair, my partner does absolutely everything for my own child and has always gone out of his way to accommodate anything he’s played a magnificent step parent role to them so the contrast has made me feel like I am being unreasonable and horrible but he does not have a bitter parent to deal with! I love my step son and I don’t know if it’s the depression speaking but I can feel myself drifting further and further apart from him and i can’t help but feel that way. I know it’s not his fault but I also know this is not going to go away and as much as it’s my partner (she tries her best to make his life as difficult as possible) she’s punishing and her son, it also has a huge impact on me as well and I feel like because their relationship between them all has nothing to do with my my feelings just get cast aside and I’m just expected to tolerate it and say nothing. It’s a shit situation to be in.

I had a bit of a teary, raised voice rant at my partner today on the phone and told him I was sick of it and I feel like I’m a third wheel who’s not considered at all. Sick of hearing her name being mentioned every day in this house because she’s constantly messaging abuse to him about their son. He is a wonderful dad and I feel so bad saying all of this because I know he takes on a lot by trying his best to stay in his sons life against the wrath of her who tries her best for him not to be.

I felt happiness for the first time since Christmas yesterday, I got out for a run for the first time in years and it took me months to leave the house properly for me and now I feel like I’m back down there again because of one single incident

Oh that sounds so hard

My advice is you need to do what you have to in order to keep your mental state healthy. If that means stepping away from some stepparenting duties then so be it.
You may only need to do it temporarily or it may be a permanent arrangement going forward, but do not feel guilty about it.

You can step back from certain things without making your stepchild feel rejected as long as you keep being kind, caring and loving which it sound like you’re very good at.

Also it sounds like you’ve got a really lovely partner who is a great stepdad to your kids too. Remember he isn’t responsible for his ex’s behaviour and is probably struggling with it just as much as you are.
My partner has a horrible, unreasonable ex and I’ll admit there’s been times I’ve been angry and resentful that she’s in the background of our lives because DH decided to date her all those years ago. I had to remember I was being unreasonable for blaming him for her actions because many times I have been cross at something she had done and then took out my frustrations on my husband.

It seems like you all have a healthy relationship and family life (with the exception of the ex) so you’ll get through this.

How old is your stepchild? Kids aren’t stupid and they’ll son figure out the games their mum is playing and in a way that’ll make it easier. My SD realised her mum was behaving badly around aged 8 and now at 12yo she pays her no attention.

Your partner should be shielding you from her messages. And maybe he could consider just emailing once a week unless it is urgent. There is no need for multiple messages a day.

Thank you for the lovely message @AlfieMoonhead

SS is 7. I’ve mentioned getting a separate phone or blocking the messages until you chose to read them but he’s ‘worried’ that some communication might be lost concerning his son if there is anything urgent etc.

Funnily enough, after banning everyone but him from picking her up yesterday she has just text him to say her partner has been in a crash and he can’t drop him off at school so will he please have him overnight!! And he considered trying to make arrangements for her! (He can’t drop off tomorrow, so he was ringing around asking for family to help and after yesterday I found it batty he even considered it).

The only reason she asked him is because she won’t, for anyone, a make arrangements with work to drop her son off at school. Work and her plans have always come first. I told my partner this is an example of him going out of his way for her, as it’s bullshit she can’t have her son tonight and for the school run and by pleasing her he feeds in to this behaviour! He’s practically indirectly telling her that her actions at the school are acceptable now. It pisses me off. He is a genuinely nice guy who tried his best for everyone but theres always an excuse for pleasing her and as a result she uses him and gets away with crazy shit because of it.

Hang on a minute, so her partner can do pick ups and drop offs for their child but you’re not allowed to?? What’s her reasoning for this?

I would absolutely let her struggle and not assist with school runs tomorrow if I was your DP. He should not change his plans and maybe she’ll realise what an unreasonable arse she’s being because if she had behaved reasonably then you could potentially have assisted.

No she a massive control freak, and wants her way all the time. Think an absolute nightmare boss, but as an ex wife. She wants control over everything that happens to ‘her’ child (not both of their child in her eyes) but only does things of it benefits her. Even on his time. She wants him to suffer she full well knows that if he can’t get back from work in time to pick her from after school club then she will be sat on her bum at home whilst her child suffers in school. She will go to extremes to paint my partner as a bad person to his sons eyes. That’s why she has done that, school is the tip of the iceberg she’s put things in place in every single area of our lives so

There is a court order in place for a reason but she’s above the law apparently. I’m upset at my partner right now over it and I’ve spoke my mind, I know in this case be should have told her to fuck off but he hasn’t.

His excuse was that he wasn’t thinking of pleasing her more pleasing his son if his son can get a night at his grandparents that he wouldn’t otherwise had. I called his bluff and said that his son can spend anytime with his nan on his time so it’s bollocks. Now of course as the step parent it paints me in a bad light. Sorry for all the swearing.

What sort of evil bitch deletes her child's school work?

I think you're right to step away a bit. If the dad won't stick up for himself and by extension you, you're going to have to distance yourself and let them get on with it.

She is using her child as a weapon. Can your partner go back to court over this? What happens if it keeps going to court? Does she get a fine?

Ffs, end this relationship. It's bringing you nothing but misery. Your partner doesn't support you and it's just a nightmare. End it and move on. It really shouldn't be this hard.

She does. Scribbles his legal name (my partners surname) on all of his school books and bag and uniform etc and goes mad when the school calls him by his actual name to the extend they are frightened of her.

I’ve said this to him but he wants and me to play that full on role with my SS as he does with mine. But it hurts. I know stepping back will ease a lot of pressure I have done it before but this will cause a rift in my relationship with him I know it will.

Twice to court and they have dismissed her behaviour because she is the mum.

He is in thrall to her crap. She says jump, your ‘partner’ says how high. In the process he feeds the batshit crazy behaviour. And brings all this mess and pain into your life.

He may be a good dad (maybe) but really, he is a disaster of a husband. Bringing all of this drama into your life. What kind of partner is this.

It’s not worth it, surely. Until he grows a backbone (your DP) this is your life.

I would be out of there.

I agree with him feeding in to it. I get he is stuck with some things and I know it is difficult for him in SOME circumstances.

We were due to go on holiday and we had to rearrange it due to her manipulating the covid isolation dates so it runs over the holiday which was shite for all of us then dropped him on us last minute last week making my some bullshit excuse about getting the isolation dates wrong and that impacted what time we had to set off for the holiday because it was “either pick him up at the time I say or he doesn't get to see you at all”

I get in situations like that he either complies or he doesn’t see his son so he will chose his son every time of course. But the school thing that he’s just tried complying to is just unbelievable and I’m gutted he even entertained that after the embarrassment and the scene I had to endure from yesterday, I really am.

Here’s your pep talk:

The hills are this way, woman >>>> Run!

Is he really worth this?

I couldn’t live like this. Whatever his good qualities they’re not enough for you to put up with this level of toxic interference and control. Your child needs and deserves a well, happy mum and a calm, peaceful home. Neither is possible right now and it’s never going to get better.

You say he’s been a good step dad but he’s not doing everything he can to limit his ex’s influence and control over your lives and your household and he’s letting you down so he’s not a good partner.

Your life doesn’t have to be this hard. Your mental health will continue to suffer while you stay in this shit storm. You really owe it to yourself and your daughter to split up and to free both of you from this incessant stress and drama.

Stepping back won’t bring you what you need because your partner is stuck in a weird fucked up dynamic where he’s rather piss you off than his ex. At the expense of you, your daughter and their shared child.

You don’t have any viable options than calling it a day and splitting up. No one is worth this amount of angst. No one.

Your DP is not being supportive of you by catering to his ex's every whim. He should be pushing back and letting her know she cannot dictate your lives like this. No wonder this is affecting your mental health, you have absolutely no control of this situation at all.

Your feelings are not going to change, unless your DP dramatically changes, and nothing you've written suggests that he is prepared to do so.

I'd be making plans to leave him if I were you, as he's more afraid of angering his ex, than he is of angering you. His priorities are all wrong. I've been there, done that, it's not worth it in the long run.

Just to make it clear, apart from the shit storm that was how he handled today, he usually is 100% behind me in everything. He has always listened and tried his best but I don’t think I have helped by staying quiet and just ‘putting up with it’ and gritting my teeth all this time. It really really really has surprised me what he did today.Normally everything else is out of his hands and he constantly apologises for it, and a magnitude of things have been out of his control. I’m glad I’ve give my fury to him over it all today because he needs the wake up call from how he handled today.

But as you have all said, every time I’ve spoke to my close friends about it they have all said ‘I would have walked’.

For fuck's sake, if you won't listen to us, listen to your friends. You know, the people who actually know you, love you, and see first hand how utterly SHIT and pointless your relationship is. The truth that you refuse to acknowledge. How many more years are you willing to throw away?

I am going to appeal to you as the parent to your DD, this cannot be healthy or happy for her. What is she learning about relationships and healthy boundaries in all of this?! I think you may need to consider whether you live more separate lives and continue the relationship that way or end it altogether. Things continuing as they are just seems wholly unsustainable for the children let alone you.

Have you thought about the child living with you?

You and your child deserve so much better than this.

He usually is 100% behind me in everything.
*
There's always an excuse for pleasing her and as a result she uses him and gets away with crazy shit because of it.*

OP, these two statements you have made must contradict each other, as otherwise the situation would not be affecting your mental health.

Your DP's ex can demand the moon on a stick; if he doesn't rise to it, it doesn't affect your family. But if there's always an excuse for pleasing her that is on your partner, and his actions going forward will be your key to resolving the situation if you don't want to leave him. He HAS to change, otherwise you'll be back on here in 5 years tearing your hair out with frustration (you're probably on the verge now, to be fair).

My exh tried to prevent my dp having anything to do with my dc. Court told him to get a grip...
He even wanted it written that dp wasn't to write in dc's reading record!

To cheer you up op.
.
One bank holiday Monday me and dp were woken up by police at the door. Came to arrest dp for the assault on exh.
Apparently he had targeted exh with water bombs from an upstairs window..
A sheepish teen ds appeared at the door and fessed up...
Exh had claimed it was a man mid 30's with shaved head +beard..
Ds had floppy hair and spots!
Apparently exh had been the joke of the station..
Not sure why they didn't do him for wasting police time or making a malicious call.
He also tried to have me charged with assault. Claiming I scratched his face when trying to shut the door - while he had his bloody foot in my kitchen spying in!! Told the police if I had been going to assault him I would have used a pan..

@Aprilshowersandhail thank you what madness. I’m glad you can laugh about it!!

I had a chat (a pure tearful put my foot down rant!) about it all last night. We don’t argue, really we never have, and take disagreements as what they are and discuss them like adults but I was pretty charged last night and I feel better for the outburst. He tried to explain that whatever he does he tries to do it with his son in mind (rather than her), and I completely understand what he means but I made it clear that there are always two sides to this and by doing so feed the behaviour and let’s her get away with the pain she causes on this family. I explained that I know we can’t change who she is and what she does but it’s got to the point now where it’s now becoming his fault, not hers, because he is not doing enough to stop it and protect me and this family from it. I think he saw his arse a bit and he listened to me and understood that this was serious now.

Gave him examples such as when she text him saying he needed to pick his sons school jacket and coat up last Sunday night (the night we got back from the holiday) because it wasn’t in the bag of stuff she provided and he was flapping at the time saying I will need to rush out to get it when we get home (we got home at 9pm!! ). I said to him it’s things like that how she makes you run around after her when she knows she can just drop his stuff off at breakfast club. His reasonings were that he didn’t want his son cold on the way to school (pure shit and I called him out on it - we ended up taking him in his PE hoodie that he was taking to school anyway and he was absolutely fine.) and he said that it was his own fault for not checking the bag when he picked his stuff up.... and I flew in to a RAGE at his response because that’s exactly what I meant by him running after her demands!

I said to him that it’s absolute mental for him to think everything is his fault when it is hers! Not his responsibility or wrong for not checking the bag - it’s hers for not packing it correctly and it wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t pack it right on purpose.

He looked pretty startled and then came around and went ‘no you are right I see where you are coming from now’.

Anyway he listened to me and took it all in and said that although he tries to always think of his son he understands and agrees that his actions are allowing her to carry on and yes he needs to do something drastic and take it in to account now. He apologised and told me he will do better and be mindful about it and also said he was sorry for not understanding completely how hard is is for me as the step mum to deal with what I deal with.

I know, from past issues, that he will take this seriously, there has been nothing in our relationship that I haven’t raised as a problem that he hasn’t just passed off and ignored. He listens and he adapts and he tries his best and I love him for that. So I trust him to change this now for the better and start putting his foot down (which he should have done all long time ago and it shouldn’t have taken me to blow my top for him to change it).

I am also aware that this isn’t going to go away because she will always be who she is. I am not naive or blind to it. But I expect him to pick up his sloppiness when it comes to how he deals with her because it cannot continue in the long run.