Cafcass background checks

[Courtandtired]

Long story short - ex has been a nightmare through the years. Impacting sdc, my dh and our joint dc. Along with myself.

Second time in court. She has already been caught out on lies regarding my dh apparently abusing the children and that is why she stopped contact.

Has gone for sole custody and already been denied this on no basis.

Had issues with her partner and threats of violence at our home. Cafcass have requested a background check to find out more regarding him.

But also they are now requesting I have one.

I am not against this in theory. I have nothing to hide beyond a history of depression which has caused no safety concerns with sdc or my own dc.

Previous cafcass reports have been written based on her lies also, one of which included me apparently telling her dh was abusive. Cafcass wrote this in the report that was sent to my husband.

Obviously as he isn't abusive, he understood what the ex was doing. If he had of been though, that report could have seriously put myself and my dc at risk.

Hence not feeling fully comfortable with potentially any of my history being written down where ex could see and twist etc.

Nor am I fully comfortable with the level of lies ex has told regarding dh (during the period I was with him and even the children deny as truth) . So have no further wish to give her information she can use as a stick to beat us with.

I want to say no. DH understands and respects my choice. He has seen the hurt it has caused our dc the last year and respects why I'm at the end of my tether.

Due to contact being so broken for over a year, cafcass have agreed with dh that relationships between him and the children would need to build over a good period of months, with just him and them. To both protect them, and protect our dc from further attachment and loss. Again.

Which means, I wouldn't even be in the picture for a while anyway. So I'm not exactly relevant.

I will be calling cafcass tomorrow to ask further questions and explain my position and concerns.

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable here?

Obviously when overnights became a thing again, I would happily do one for the sake of peace and my husband being able to have his children in our home etc.

I've just reached the end of my tether with her games. Abuse. Nastiness towards my dc and the hurt it has caused them as well as my sdc.

Until I'm relevant again I'm quite happy to remain irrelevant until that time comes.

And no before the abuse starts, not because I want to put walls up. Not because I hate sdc. I love them. I want it to be fixed.

But I'm also human, as are my dc and dh. I have seen the hurt and pain ex has caused them over the years.

And tbh I've just had enough of the games. And being dragged into a shitshow of her own making.

OP, I have had over the years, on/ off dealings with cafcass due to similar circumstances with my exp’s EW. It’s on that basis I will give this advice.

1. Family courts must be involved and have appointed Cafcass. What exactly is this next step for? Are Cafcass preparing a report for the family court? For a judge to then implement a ramped up contact schedule?
2. Has the court ordered this disclosure or is this Cafcass acting off their own back? It’s very rare for Cafcass (and I’m not sure they have the right) to instigate background checks on the partners without a judge stating that it is required. It is a huge invasion of privacy and for it to be requested, there needs to be grounds around potential harm to children for this to be made.
3. My exp had a very high conflict exwife and faced some pretty bad allegations (cleared of everything), however at no point throughout it was a background check ever requested on me. The EXW tried a few times (both via Cafcass and court) and it was a complete non starter as there were zero grounds for anyone to ask for this. So what’s going on here?
4. I personally would never allow Cafcass to do a background check on me. Bluntly, I don’t trust them (they once disclosed my personal details to the exwife despite my expressly telling them they must be kept private). I also wouldn’t trust the exwife, because as much as all these documents are meant to be ‘sealed’ under family court proceedings, there is nothing stopping them from being shared.
5. Tread very carefully in any contact with Cafcass. They are not your friend. Go into tomorrow’s call well prepared and disclose as little as possible. Have they even said what is involved in a ‘background’ check?

I had a handful of dealings with Cafcass. I took copious notes, remained very neutral and volunteered nothing outside of questions they asked. Personally I think they’re pretty vile to deal with and are very aligned to primary carers who have made allegations.

Look after yourself. Step out of this. This is not your bun fight. Don’t agree to this.

Cafcass background check is just that, Enchanced DBS. That’s it.

I’ll also add they overstep their Mark massively which is why I’m asking where this ask has come from. Did a judge state this is what was needed in a directions hearing?

In one of my exp’s hearings, the Cafcass person got rebuked by the judge for ‘overstepping’ their role. They very clearly saw themselves as ‘subject matter experts’ and ones who can (and frequently do) tell judges what needs to happen.

The challenge is that Cafcass do not investigate allegations nor do they question any statements made. They report them to the court. Hence the inclusion of false statements. They will just repeat what is told, even if there is evidence that can refute the statements.

It is then the role of the court to conduct fact finding hearings around the allegations, to ascertain what (based on the evidence presented) is the balance of truth. It is not down to Cafcass to play this role (even though sometimes they act as though this is what their job is). It’s not.

Your DH can simply present to the court that there were simply no grounds for a background check to be conducted on you.
The challenge is (I suppose) if both sides are firing shots at the partners, Cafcass will be trying to say, ok, background checks on both partners too.

This sounds like a horrific situation and you have my sympathies. But I stand by my advice. Do not participate in this, it’s really invasive.

@MyGorramShip that may be standard. But my exp’s ‘background check’ was far more invasive than that.

@sassbot

1. this was the precourt cafcass call. I believe they are advising one be made, although they have already sent the forms to my husband for me to sign. Which I have and will not. So I can only assume this one hasn't officially been requested by a judge.

2. there were no grounds made by ex wife on previous cafcass report about me which would imply this need at all. She did know I had depression around the time she played "friend" so I wonder if dh reporting to cafcass her current partners behaviour has instigated her ramping up apparent concerns regarding me and cafcass lapping it up as they did the apparent abuse claims at first.

3. I have zero idea. Absolutely zero. When she tried to be chummy with me (to try and turn me onside and against dh), I have many texts from her declaring I was oh so loved by the kids, that it was only because of me she felt comfortable with them being there etc etc. All on no basis.

4. I'm so sorry you went through that. I am very cautious as they disclosed apparent allegations made by me to exw on a report to dh, regarding dh. Showing no concern of my or my childrens safety if those allegations had been true.

This in itself has made me very cautious of anything and the impact it could have on me and my children.

I have nothing to hide beyond a history of pnd and depression in younger years. Quite sever at times, but always and only ever aimed at myself.
When I had pnd we did have a support worker briefly, but they came a couple times to make sure I was okay and had support but deemed no concerns regarding my dc. As there were none.

I just don't want her potentially knowing that information and as I said, another stick of abuse to beat us all with.

Nor do I think its fair that my personal history is relevant in any way to a case that as it stands - has nothing to do with me.

@sassbott sorry just read your second post.

I think it is a case of allegations flying everywhere and them deeming to want to appear fair. Just asked dh and apparently they did say something along those lines.

Even more reason I feel uncomfortable signing it. We have proof of her lying. She has already been caught out on many. Hence sole custody being thrown out already on her part. It just seems like a game I'm not interested in playing anymore.

Oh and court is to resume contact as she had stopped it. Based on apparently what the children had said (and them blocking dh) turns out with an independent cafcass officer talking to them without their mother present that isn't what they want at all. So go figure!

Understood. I get where you are.

Absolutely refuse. If you had personal legal representation looking out for you in all of this, that’s what they would categorically tell you. Also, religiously protect your children from these proceedings. They’ve not had contact with his Dc so they are unlikely to be asked to ‘interview’, but ring fence them too from this all.

And yes, I’m sorry but re the point you made about those allegations. Had your H infact been abusive, putting those in a report very clearly would have put you and your children at risk.

Step back and detach from all of this. It can become soul destroying.

I'm glad to hear that I don't seem unfair. I was concerned it would appear to cafcass like a way to stop contact further. Which isn't the case at all.

Cafcass are already aware of our needs to protecr joint dc from this. They do agree that the foreseeable future until relationships hopefully thrive neither side are to be involved.

That has also in the past (when exw was refusing even phone contact between siblings and laughing when told how upset our eldest was) been explicitly explained to the ex and why. For both sets of children to not get hurt further.

But apparently this was putting our dc above hers and further abuse started. Not the case. Even the first cafcass report which was very "mum has all the facts but father just speculates" basically said that eldest childrens needs should be considered as paramount. Which dh at the time did dispute as all childrens needs needing to be considered, which now they APPEAR to have taken on board.

That said I will never forgive cafcass for potentially putting my dc at serious risk of either seeing their mother beaten or been involved in it physically themselves.

I appreciate the report wasn't regarding their needs, but their bloody safety be it physical or mental should have been considered knowing full well it could have put them in harms way.

I have told dh that I will not be calling cafcass to explain my reasoning. I've explained to him just why that is thanks to your advice @sassbott . I have told him he will need to call them himself tomorrow.

Although on the one hand I know when he does this at work he gets flustered and misses important information out which would help his position. On the other mentally after a year of hearing my eldest cry and beg to speak to their siblings, playing with toys and naming them after siblings and treating those toys like little gods in her games. I'm just fucking sick tondeath of the hurt and pain she has caused everyone, and just don't want to use anymore mental brain power on things.

If they then further dispute with dh why needed, and push for it further. I will call and explain first hand then.

End of the day, not my problem at the moment. My problem is not getting dragged into this shit show when I have enough going on in my own life. So I can be 100% in the best place for my own dc.

Scrap that. Dh has explained tomorrow is very full on at work, so he will but apologises in advance if he misses vital information out.

I'm not risking that. He has given me a number to potentially try and get through to his case worker now

They cannot push or dispute anything with your DH, nor can anyone bully you into calling them.
The only people they have the right to talk to are the parents of the children at the Center of this, any professionals (such as teachers) around the children and the children themselves (they don’t actually even have to inform the parents, they can just liaise with the school (for example) and speak to the children there to try and maximise the chances of the children not being ‘groomed’ to answer a particular way.

You are under no onus to engage any further.
There are absolutely no grounds for it and judges are very clear on this in family court. Otherwise you would see partners being pulled into proceedings like this all the time by high conflict exes.

Men.

How old are the children involved? I did think a background check was just enhanced DBS and details of any services involved. Did you previously have social services involved for your joint children or your own children?

@sassbott to be fair he is on the road so wouldn't be safe to read off notes as he talked. His memory is shocking at the best of times let alone under pressure

Children are 13 and coming up to 10.

I very, very briefly had social services involved after I got quite unwell after my eldest. This was a couple visits, some links to mental health support and then quickly signed off with no concerns. Throughout it was noted there were zero concerns for babys welfare and it was purely for me to get some support.

Which I did, and realised it was okay not to try and be super mum and do absolutely everything or else I was a failure.

This was years back now, no further issues. Never any regarding my children directly or my ability to care for them or create a happy, healthy home for them to thrive on.

Just every now and then I need a little support mental health wise, not in a danger aspect, just mum guilt can hit me quite hard as I strive for everything to be perfect for them and in the process can at times drain myself out. Basically every now and then I need reminding its perfectly okay not be to super mum as long as the children are loved and cared for.

I just don't want that dragged up, pulled apart and judged. I'm not ashamed of it, nothing to be ashamed of. But i just know if exwife got that information it would be twisted and turned into something awful.

I have messaged the cafcass officer and explained I will not be signing the form unless it is mandated by court. That their last report states how exwife declared I done a lot for the children (during a rant on how dh apparenrly done nothing) so that in itself shows i am of no risk. I pointed out I have many messages from exwife stating the children love being around me etc etc... if there were any concerns on her part why state that?

I also pointed out that I have my own dc to look out for and after how they handled the last report I have zero trust in their system and the potential private information passing to others.

I stressed I have nothing to hide. But it is purely out of principle. As myself and dc have been through enough the last year due to all of this.

Did leave my mobile number incase she had any further questions and again stressed I hope she understood, and that this wasn't me trying to be difficult.

Rightly or wrongly I'm glad I've sent it.

OP I'm really sorry you felt you had to send CAFCASS your mobile number.

I hope they don't ring you as at least if everything is in writing if they twist things or misrepresent you, then at least your DH will have exact proof of what was said.

Also in future if you are dragged into his ex's mess again ask to see written proof from your DH that your personal information is needed. My DP said things which when documents were shown to me weren't what was in them.

In retrospect I think it was a bad idea idea to do so, my husband had words twisted in his last report.

I am just so worried about appearing difficult, I felt it showed me to be fair. Although I think for the sake of covering all basis I will reply to any call via email and explain I don't want the children to hear/or similar.

It is such a shame a body designed to protect children has left people as well as myself feeling so on edge.

I'd love nothing more than to help clear this case up for the benefit of all the children and dh.

Instead at the mention of them trying to get any information on me I feel intimidated and scared!

Dh I can tell, despite saying otherwise and completely supporting me is a little disappointed now. I don't think he expected me to actually say no directly to cafcass.

He is understandbly concerned it will impact his case negatively. But after how they handled the last report, I'm concerned over how my personal information will be handled.

I am sticking to my guns, but indo feel a sense of guilt. He did tell me he was willing to do it. I reminded him that of course he was, they are his children and it is relevant to him seeing them.
Due to protecting the youngest two, I won't be involved for a long time. Why does my character need going through a full on check?

Later on down the line and they are here? Maybe. But we are talking months down the line now....

I feel like ex has already taken so much from my children and us as a family. To give up my privacy to boot for no damn reason at this current moment in time just takes the mick

You’re not being difficult, you’re being boundaried.
You need the reframe this in your head and (bluntly) your DH needs to shield you more from this - he should never have expected this from you.

There are no allegations regarding you.
There is nothing that merits Cafcass requiring this information, period. They have absolutely no authority to go round and ask people who will be spending time with the children for background checks! Where there are zero grounds! It’s incredibly invasive. This actually makes me angry as most people will not have lawyers and be able to ask them ‘what should I do.’ Lawyers in a heartbeat will tell you categorically to not do this.

I don’t want to worry you but you do need to be very clear about this in your mind. You have your own children, who are in your care. And with absolutely zero safeguarding concerns.
Why would you expose yourself to anything (even at the slight risk of the report being negative). And thereby expose the resident children who are in your care? Stay out of this. Your children live with you, are absolutely fine and zero flags around them (based on all you’ve disclosed). That’s as much as Cafcass need to know. End of.

Reframe this and stop feeling so guilty. You and your children need to be kept out of this as much as possible.

@sassbott thank you. That is how I woke up this morning feeling if I'm honest.

I spent a fair chunk of the night tossing and turning and debating if I was right.

And I am. There are zero concerns, or at least there were on the last report from both exwife and cafcass, in fact exwife noted i cared for them. If any have now been risen, they have been risen out of spite due to what dh said regarding her partner and what he done that night.

That isn't reason enough for my privacy to be invaded. Nor will I drag myself and by default, my children through this.

Will be interesting to see if I hear anything back from cafcass.

Agreed its shocking if you didn't habe lawyers you'd likely go for it. If I'm honest, if it wasn't for the last report potentially bringing so much risk to myself and my children I wouldn't have even thought twice and would have just signed it!

Cafcass replied. Quite abrupt that they respect my choice but it may end up mandated by court anyway due to it being section 7 report.

I had tried explaining myself to almost justify myself, yet no bother. Cemented I'm best to stay away so I just said I respected the freedom of space as that is what is beneficial for my children as I don't want all of this affecting them until/if it is needed.

I am currently in a very similar situation. My partner's ex had stopped him seeing his children for the past year for various reasons all of which are totally fabricated. I was asked by cafcass to sign a document allowing background checks. This was not something I wanted to do as I have suffered in the past with depression and post natal depression. I also had a very narcissist ex who had reported me to ss on numerous occasions as a form of control. None of which were ever taken seriously in fact the first time ss told me they has spoken to him and deemed him unstable and told me not to let him see my children without supervision. Unfortunately the fact that he reported it shows up even if no action is taken. I let them make the checks but am furious that now his ex has shown this information to several other people including my partners mother who immediately rang him to ask why he let me look after our children. Wish to god I'd never signed

@wayovermyhead I am so sorry that happened to you. I am also disgusted that they showed that information to your partners ex!

Exactly what my concern was.

Funnily enough when I raised that potentially happening and the previous awful handling of potential domestic abuse here as reasons I don't feel comfortable - I got another generic "I have said I accept your reasons, it could end up court mandated though"

Very rude. Very abrupt and shows that despite being concerned for the children on the damn order they clearly couldn't give a shit about any others!

On reflection of everything I've said to my husband tonight that you know what, even if it is court mandated I'm going to refuse and I'll take my chances on whether that means I can't see them or not.

Would I be gutted if I couldn't? Yes. I would. But my primary concern is what damage a malicious ex could do with information like that, nd the impact that could have on my mental health and in turn not be able to be the best I can ve for my own.

Cafcass replied. Quite abrupt that they respect my choice but it may end up mandated by court anyway due to it being section 7 report.

So OP it is currently not mandated by the Court and they are just digging.

Is your DP being represented at the hearing? If so then the Court will have to give his legal counsel a good reason why they want to know information about you.

If he isn't being represented and the Court insists that CAFCASS instructions have to be followed, then your DP needs to state that he agrees to see his children away from you and your children to close the issue down.

I should add there have been other posters who have taken the latter tactics to keep their partners ex away from them and their children if they have any.

My new dp was never checked by court order when my exh tried every trick in the book to discredit me and dp.. I wouldn't be too worried... Print off all the messages she sent you regarding your positive relationship with her dc...

I spoke to a solicitor this morning.

They advised as due to exw declaring domestic abuse to me from dh - it is a section 7 and refusal to sign would look bad on me and dh.

That I can ask for the pnd, if they even wanted to include it in the report, to be hidden from exw report.

Apparently if I do not agree it could be seen as quite daunting by default.

Apparently with a section 7 report it is completely normal to look into partners?

I also asked on legal and although kind, got basically told I was making something out of nothing and it was no big deal.

Still feels like a bloody big deal to me though :(

Feel quite cornered and I have never ever hated being a step parent more. I have lost all rights to privacy, protecting my babies and the sense of peace and calm in my own life.

All destroyed because of a bullshit claim of abuse by exw.

Lovely to feel so out of control of your own life...

If I were you, OP, I would be thinking very seriously about remaining in this relationship. Whilst you do, this woman will always be part of your life and able to potentially disrupt in this way. Your DH has to put all of his children first, including those from his previous relationship. You have to put your children first and part of that is protecting your own mental health. The stress of this situation is clearly taking its toll and understandably so, plus your DC have already been impacted by the loss of their siblings and will be picking up on the tension and stress, no matter how hard you try to shield them. It's really hard but I would definitely be considering whether the relationship can have a future or perhaps whether it might be better for you and DC to move out, whilst still remaining in a relationship. I think your chances of successfully blending your families now are pretty low and accepting that there will always be segregation and managing that might be the best way forward. I feel for your DH in all of this but you have to put your own DC first.