Cafcass background checks

[Courtandtired]

Long story short - ex has been a nightmare through the years. Impacting sdc, my dh and our joint dc. Along with myself.

Second time in court. She has already been caught out on lies regarding my dh apparently abusing the children and that is why she stopped contact.

Has gone for sole custody and already been denied this on no basis.

Had issues with her partner and threats of violence at our home. Cafcass have requested a background check to find out more regarding him.

But also they are now requesting I have one.

I am not against this in theory. I have nothing to hide beyond a history of depression which has caused no safety concerns with sdc or my own dc.

Previous cafcass reports have been written based on her lies also, one of which included me apparently telling her dh was abusive. Cafcass wrote this in the report that was sent to my husband.

Obviously as he isn't abusive, he understood what the ex was doing. If he had of been though, that report could have seriously put myself and my dc at risk.

Hence not feeling fully comfortable with potentially any of my history being written down where ex could see and twist etc.

Nor am I fully comfortable with the level of lies ex has told regarding dh (during the period I was with him and even the children deny as truth) . So have no further wish to give her information she can use as a stick to beat us with.

I want to say no. DH understands and respects my choice. He has seen the hurt it has caused our dc the last year and respects why I'm at the end of my tether.

Due to contact being so broken for over a year, cafcass have agreed with dh that relationships between him and the children would need to build over a good period of months, with just him and them. To both protect them, and protect our dc from further attachment and loss. Again.

Which means, I wouldn't even be in the picture for a while anyway. So I'm not exactly relevant.

I will be calling cafcass tomorrow to ask further questions and explain my position and concerns.

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable here?

Obviously when overnights became a thing again, I would happily do one for the sake of peace and my husband being able to have his children in our home etc.

I've just reached the end of my tether with her games. Abuse. Nastiness towards my dc and the hurt it has caused them as well as my sdc.

Until I'm relevant again I'm quite happy to remain irrelevant until that time comes.

And no before the abuse starts, not because I want to put walls up. Not because I hate sdc. I love them. I want it to be fixed.

But I'm also human, as are my dc and dh. I have seen the hurt and pain ex has caused them over the years.

And tbh I've just had enough of the games. And being dragged into a shitshow of her own making.

I’m not entirely sure on what provision you spoke to a solicitor. Are they your family lawyers who are appointed to represent YOUR interests and no one else’s? Including your DH’s?

I stand by what I said. Lawyers appointed to protect YOUR interests would be advising you to batten the hatches and disclose nothing pending the hearing within the court and the judges orders.

You then do NOTHING until the court order has been agreed and sealed and copy provided to you. And only when you clearly see it, then do you act on it (if you decide to), you actually don’t have to provide anything even then. Although a judge could call you into court to answer as to why (doubt that would happen).

Ex spouses/ partners make all sort of allegations within these proceedings. Judges are used to seeing it all. Depending on whether your DH is represented / self representing it will be his/ his barristers job to clearly state why it is you’ve not provided this info (that the allegations have no basis. You do in fact have written comms from the exwife talking to your positive influence and that there are no grounds and this is invasive.

My exP’s EXW said a lot. About him, me etc etc. No judge ever allowed a background check on me. Please only speak to lawyers who are representing your interests (vs those representing your husband).

I have to ask. Is your husband represented? And if so have you and he spoken about the possible implications to the resident shared children?
Section 7’s are pretty brutal and bluntly? Could go either way. If there are resident children, there could well be real impact to them.

You need to (kindly advice) get over your outrage and all these emotions and quickly. They are not helpful to the situation nor will any of it help your mental health.

The exwife has started this ball rolling, and now this process is off. A section 7 is serious and it absolutely can implicate your existing resident children. Vent on here all you want it’s not going to change anything. Nor will it make her reasons for doing what she has any better.

It is what it is. The ex wife is who she is.
You have one choice - get involved and include yourself/ your children in this.
Or don’t. And yes that means you remove yourself from contact for the foreseeable future when (if) it gets reinstated.

I’m not being blunt to be unkind.
I’m being blunt so you make your decision and stick with it. You’ve been told the possible ramifications to you and your children.
Is your DH’s child with his ex worth that? It’s a very personal choice that you need to make.

And if you get involved. Remove every single bit of outrage you’re venting here and not one bit of it makes it near Cafcass/ any professional near any of the children. Neutral, bare minimum, zero outrage towards the EXW. Cafcass look for hostility (and in my interviews actively provoked me into laying into the EXW via very provocative questions). If I had given them a sliver of any emotion I would have been decimated. I gave them nothing.

My experience of them is awful. They are bullies. One actually interviewed one of the children so aggressively it drove said child to tears. It was wholly inappropriate and unboundaried.

So save your outrage. It won’t help you.
And start to make some decisions.

@sassbot

I know, I realised that after I woke this morning and read it all back. I am angry, but that anger won't help anything.

I spent my day focusing on my babies, having fun and just enjoying all that is good. (Went on a bit of a spending spree and brought a wendy house as I know they will love it 😀

I really appreciate your post and 100% needed to hear it. Its just so hard not to let emotions run high during this, but I do need to get it under wraps.

Cafcass have said they will call tomorrow, I'm going to explain it was due to not wanting others not close to me know my pnd history and I was concerned it would show up in exw report to her.

That I will sign, but if they feel it relevant to include in the report to please keep that for the courts alone.

I don't want to sign, but solicitor informed me that could mean an ss investigation into us. Again, I have nothing to hide. But I don't want to feel even more invaded than I already do. I just want to do a scribble and forget the whole bloody thing.

Apologise once again (through gritted teeth) . Then just sign and forget the whole bloody thing.

If they still show exw I will get a solicitor to help me formally complain.

Then, all I can do is wait to see how this plays out. If contact with us too early gets pushed, I will push back until it is safe and secure for my babies. If that isn't respected, or any other boundary. I really will have no choice but to walk.

I want this to work, sdc included. But not at the expense of my childrens childhood. They only get one too. If it means I have to walk away from dh to secure that, then unfortunately, so be it.

I know now I have completely reached the end of my tether, it either improves, or dh sees sdc forever away from us and no longer informs me of anything drama wise. Even if he needs support. I remain oblivious. Or there is just no other way to go than to leave.

I guess this next year will be the deciding factor.

Jesus. When I got with someone with kids I expected my only responsibility and change in life would be two bonus kids. Not all of this. How naive.

I am so sorry cafcass made your child cry. It is absolutely disgusting how they behave. Yet claim child's welfare is paramount. I am genuinely quite shocked.

Thank you again, all you have said has been very helpful and really informative. As well as the much needed kick up the butt!

You’re welcome. A few things.

1. the solicitor (I’m sorry to say based on my experience), has misadvised you.
   You could not sign and a judge may back that and never request a background check.
   You could not sign a judge may order it.
   You could sign and a judge may still order a full section 7 and full investigation. On the basis of the seriousness of the allegations in front of the Court. And what evidence the EXW presents to warrant the court launching a full investigation.
   Family court is horrendously grey, and as long as you understand that a full investigation could still happen then that’s good.

2. I am yet to see any report that Cafcass discloses only to the court alone. Cafcass disclose their report to the court and legal representatives of those disclosed. My very clear understanding is that the only deviation to this is if there is something in the report which flags clear ‘risk of harm’ to the children involved in the proceedings.
   So if Cafcass report your PND, you must be prepared that this report could at some point be disclosed to the exwife (and most likely will).

They didn’t make my child cry. Didn’t let them near my kids. Again like your Cafcass officer, they asked and made frowning noises when I told them no. And how it could trigger xyz.
To which I responded, ‘there are zero safeguarding concerns around my children. They are not the children whom these proceedings center on. I categorically will not allow them to be interviewed at any point.’
Nor did I allow any form of a background check on me. Again because there were zero grounds.

Judge never court ordered anything regards me or my children.
Do not be bullied by Cafcass.

@sassbot Sadly neither side is being led by a solicitor. Neither side can afford it. The discussion I had was a 30 min one. So sounds like even more exw will be shown my information.

Oh god this is a bloody nightmare.

I do find I get easily bullied when threats are thrown out as well, I'm very soft and always trying to do the right thing. Which inadvertently always seems to get me screwed.

It is promising that you had no investigation and was able to hold your ground (and win!) . I wonder if I would have a similar chance considering I have been in the childrens lives for over half a decade. Never once a concern raised about me, always aimed at dh.

What do you advise I say when cafcass call tomorrow? I already plan to write down what was said with important quotes, I also plan on sending an email after that discussion covering any concerns I had with the call/thanking for agreeing to xyz etc. Just to cover my arse. I also have a back up plan of having to apologise and leave the conversation quick sharp due to one of the children needing me. Incase I need to regroup and get my thoughts together.

I desperately want to say no. I feel in my heart that is the right thing. If I was any risk, a mother taking the father of their children to court for sole custody would have at one point voiced concerns regarding me.

That said, I also know how far she will go to lie. I also know she must dislike me now as our last conversation when previously civil turned quite arsey when she declared mine be collertal expecting me to agree!

She knows she has already lost the chance of sole custody, she will be panicking and trying to grasp at strings to turn the tide.

I want to say no. But I want to do so safely for my own dc and my own mental health.

If I'm completely honest, as "wicked step mother" as it makes me sound - I'm at the point that I think "mine need me. 100% I can't afford to give percentages elsewhere. Not at this present moment. If it screws things up for dh, that isn't my fault. I've just realised I have my own point."

That isn't me saying I don't care about sdc, but I didn't start this war. Neither did dh. Why should my dc end up with an anxious mess of a mother to try and fix a mess that isn't mine to fix?

I’ll say a few things.

1. I could be bullish as I had no DC with my exp. they were my children, not our children. And there was absolutely no chance me or my children were being pulled into his conflict.
2. I could afford family lawyers and if push had come to shove. I would have also breached a court order. I refused point blank to be abused by the exwife through Cafcass. Over children that were not mine.

It’s not clear from your posts where you are in proceedings. It sounds like she unilaterally prevented contact and either then reported your DH to Cafcass.
Or she unilaterally stopped contact and then your DH started court proceedings at which point she made a host of allegations.

I have one question.
Has a fact finding hearing been conducted? (Doesn’t sound as if it has).

OP please don't worry if CAFCASS or anyone sets social services on you because you are not neglecting your children.

I now know a handful of people whom social services where set on them by people in particular services being bullies. In each case social services found nothing to report and went away happy.

@sassbot

1. I wish that was as simple for me. If dh wasn't my dc father, it would be much easier to walk at this stage. As no ties would be there in relation to the drama. If I leave I leave them at his mercy with zero say. I do believe he woild stand by what we have said. I also am aware people change if you leave and then my children could be right in the eye of the storm.

2)I wish we could afford solicitors. I'd feel much more secure. Unfortunately that isn't an option for us.

I believe we are at the facr finding stage? This is the second contact dh has had with cafcass. Court is coming up within the next few months, first court hearing for this case.

She found excuses for contact, then went for sole custody. It has already been noted that she filed, not him. Implying dh wasn't bothered. He was. He was waiting a few months as she always refused mediation or refused to turn up when he booked it. It has been noted by courts she doesn't turn up. He also has numerous messages to her asking for mediation and her refusing in the interim. He needed to save to get a representative. Obviously that went out the window.

@redmarauder - on paper im not worried about ss. I had them involved briefly when I was unwell with pnd. They were lovely. Came round - saw baby was happy and loved/cared for, saw i needed a bit of outside support. Sorted that. Constantly reassured me baby was more than okay.

I'm not scared of them. Previous experience gives me no reason to be.

I just mentally don't want to feel under the microscope if it came to it. I don't want my children looked at as a case, due to someone else's actions. I don't like strangers in my home at the best of times. It causes me massive anxiety as this home is my safe space.

I just can't help but sit and look at everything and think "what the hell?" . I've never known two polite, loving little bundles. Nothing in their life through me causes any concern. Their father is brilliant too.

Yet I'm stuck in a ridiculous court case, and having people wanting to inspect me.

And I must admit, when I talk about it all I'm very aware it is affecting my mental health. Dh is too, and is doing what he can to prevent it. But at this point can I even walk away and say "whelp I'm nothing to do with him anymore good luck" without looking questionable?

Ah ok. So here’s the thing. My circumstances (esp regarding family) were very different.

The solicitor is giving you advice that on paper makes sense. You sign the background check, PND is nothing to be ashamed of, it shows you have nothing to hide. It’s a tick for the court and possibly expedites things.

My previous post was to point out that there are no guarantees about anything. Information being shared. To what will happen next. And that’s what you need to be prepared for.

That is what stood out for me, especially with no representatives. Chances are she will see it.

Am I ashamed? No. Do I want someone I don't like knowing that information on no basis? No.

Even dh has said to back away, let him deal with any potential fall out and he will fight for sdc separately.

I'm out. I'm done. I will tell cafcass that I have had time to think - on reflection I have never come up as a concern with exw or children. So I refuse.

There is zero basis beyond a generic protocol at best.

If once the time comes that they (and I and dh) feel comfortable enough to introduce our dc again etc etc, then I will.

But as it stands I and my dc are irrelevant. For at least a good year unless they plan on upping their once a month contact sooner.

Let them call ss if they deem fit. Am I happy? No. But at least I feel I've held some personal privacy from someone set out to cause pain.

Dh has agreed if needs must we will have to adjust financially to allow overnights eow when the time comes. If I don't feel ready. He has agreed that once things settle we will need to address this as like we were two separated parents blending families.

He is very understanding and clear on the fact that I've had enough now.

Just got to try and keep this strength when I'm on the phone tomorrow.

My laydown or questions is

"Why after half a decade of no allegations am I being put under this"

"Why am I considered a concern?"
"Any of my history regarding pnd... will it be shared with all parties?"
"If so why? When ss already done an investigation and found no concerns?"
"Why am I even relevant when I have already stated myself and dc will not be involved? "

I think? To the point and factual.

Just have to keep my nerve.

If ss get called, so be it. They will likely enjoy a chance to see a loving home compared to what they have to endure.

And tbh - if that isn't enough- I've told dh he will need to move out.

He was upset, as was I. But this is my line. Some sense of bloody privacy

On the call. Remain completely calm. To the point. Neutral.
Don’t get flustered/ talk fast/ say things you don’t plan on saying.
Don’t be surprised if they don’t answer many questions. You’re not someone they can disclose much to.
Do not (point blank) be drawn on the exwife. Sometimes in these calls they look (as I said before) to provoke in order to see where the conflict is coming from. And sometimes people bite and say ‘well she’s doing this out of malice xyz’ and what ends up in the report is conflict between both parties.
I got asked ‘what do you think is happening here?’ (in different ways, at separate parts of the conversation about 3 times). I refused be drawn. What they were trying to get me to say is ‘she’s a nasty piece of work, parental alienation is at work etc etc.’ That to them is a key party in the proceedings inciting conflict. And it would have been reported as such.
I simply replied ‘it’s clearly a complicated situation, I have no idea and that’s why you and the courts are involved. All I can tell you is what I actually know or see, it would be wrong of me to draw conclusions when I don’t have all the facts’.

Neutral. Unemotive. Zero conflict.
Same tone/ responses when asked if they could interview my kids/ conduct a background check.
Simple calm no. Followed by what I said in the previous post re my children not being part of the proceedings. I didn’t budge and remained firm.

Judge never allowed any questions/ detail into me/ my kids at any point.

Let me make clear. There is nothing that would come up in an enhanced background check on me. Nothing. Not so much as an unpaid parking ticket. That’s not the point. For me, it was principle. And I was damned if some vindictive cow of a woman was going to be able to demand private information from me simply on the basis that I was with her ex husband.
I would have dumped him before I disclosed so much as a fart.

Good luck today. Just imagine it’s a really important work interview. Guard up. Professional. Less is more.

Thank you so much. I'll do my best to come across just as you've said, although I can already feel nerves taking hold.

I also completely agree with your reasoning. That is my standing, principle. I've done nothing wrong so why am I being forced to play her games?!

So I won't. I'll hold firm. I can do this! (I hope )

Let me know how you get on.

I put my foot down!

Explained that it wasn't in my childrens best interests and as much as of course I care about sdc, sdc have their mum, dh has four to think of, so they only have me to focus on them 100%.

She then turned around and stated that she can see on the paperwork exw has spoken highly of me, (likely to explain away why she sent them here for so long previously when these issues were always there apparently) the children have spoken very fondly of me.

I said that in itself was testament to my character, and that due to how stressful I'm sure this last year has been for all parties, unfortunately I now need to step back.

Cafcass seemed to understand and agree, even apologised to me for the situation. That said what I hear over the phone and what I see via the report/how it all plays out are potentially two different things.

But I stuck to my guns. I didn't get emotional, I didn't freak out or start blaming. I was neutral, to the point and firm but polite.

They did try saying it was like what you'd do for certain jobs, I explained that I have worked in fields in the past where they asked for that and I happily provided. But you can't compare applying for a job to a high stress court case. Again, she seemed to agree. Again, time will tell.

Good for you and I’m glad you had someone who was respectful of your stance. Good for her and good for you. It’s hugely positive that the children have spoken highly of you. I had the exact same and that was a huge factor in the judge simply saying ‘no, this isn’t needed. There are absolutely no grounds.’

This won’t be asked of you. How do you feel?

Background checks are enhanced DBS checks and not medical. Double check that. But I'm pretty sure that's it. When I got the CAFCASS report back from my ex it disclosed his criminal convictions and that was it (I say that was it I was completely and utterly shocked... you think you know someone)

Check with them tomorrow what they mean by checks.

@Littlepaws18 it would show up any ss involvement. Due to pnd I had a welfare check on eldest. Zero concerns for baby and judt helped me get support, but that possibly could have shown as they do check with ss. Nothing to be ashamed of, just not something I wanted that woman knowing.

@sassbott absolutely brilliant thank you! I feel lighter. Happier. Luckily the call came early so wasn't much waiting around. Then spent the day focusing on my babies and having a nice time.

I will still support dh to the extent I feel comfortable with, if I don't I'll back off again. If I can help him a bit I will, but not at my own and dc expense.

My babies are my priority and they always will be.

I told CAFCASS no to a background check. I had been with DP for 6 years and was sick of his exs shit. There is not a court application she hadn't filed at that point (C2s, specific issues orders, multiple variations for the orders, appeals when it didn't go her way) and I didn't want anything else to do with it.

CAFCASS officer called me. I said no. Few weeks late she called again and emailed and bullied me into it and it still makes me mad. She said if I didn't agree clearly she and the judge would think I had something to hide and it might impact DP seeing his DC.

It is just a police check and social services check but its a violation of privacy when there was no accusations or mentions of me in his exs application and the judge had only asked for the parties involved to have one.