Can't be a step mum anymore :(

[bellbellb]

Hello!

I am new on mumsnet so I am hoping I've done this right!

The reason for joining is I am hoping to ask for some advice. I am at my breaking point with my relationship, I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 2 year old daughter together. He also has an 8 year old son who we have every weekend Friday-Monday. At the start of our relationship everything was fine, it's just since I have become a mum myself I have found things so much harder because it is clear our parenting is not the same.
I do not hold anything against his son what so ever as he's obviously just an 8 year old innocent child! Its my partners parenting though which allows him to act in a way which I don't agree with.
Examples are what he allows him to eat, when he is here the only things that he eats are chicken nuggets, pizza, burgers, starbursts and even has Oreos for breakfast? My daughter is getting older now and if I try to cook a roast on a Sunday which I serve for her, she's now realising that I've had to make her brother a pizza ect and refuses to eat her dinner. I think this is why I'm struggling so much more now my daughter is becoming more aware. It would be easier to tackle if he wasn't here as regular (not saying I'd want that to happen but just so you can understand the situation better) but he's here for 3 dinner time meals a week so on the food front I'm fighting a losing battle getting her to eat decent meals.
Another example is his electronics, he will sit on his Nintendo switch from the moment he wakes up till he goes to bed. We went for our first 'post Covid' pub lunch on Sunday and for the whole duration my partner let him sit on his Nintendo not getting him involved once, whilst my daughter sat with nothing. My partner doesn't give him a bedtime, he goes to bed when we go to bed which is around 11ish most nights. Then my partner goes in to sleep with him into the kids room and I bring my daughter in with me because his son asks him too. There are just a few examples but the list could go on, there is just no parenting there, no teaching him right from wrong. Like I said, I don't hold his son responsible for this, it is 100% my partner for always wanting to be the 'fun' parent and not have any boundaries.

What I struggle the most with is when I try and step in then he will snap at me 'he's alright' 'not causing any harm is he' 'oh he's only here on the weekends' ect ect so I stay out of it now otherwise it starts arguments and then I'm absolutely vilified in his sons eyes cause he will make it loud enough for his son to hear what we're talking about. So I just stay out of it now but I am at absolute breaking point. I just can't deal with my daughter being brought up a certain way whilst she sits and watches her brother get to do all these things she's not allowed too.
My partner never used to be like this, well to this extent anyways. I do believe that since our daughter has been born he has felt extra guilt towards his son because he never wants him to feel excluded which I do understand, but surely there's a line right?

Am I right in feeling like this? How is best to handle a situation like this? I just feel like I can't do it anymore, I've been so pushed now for so long I feel almost numb towards the situation. If I walk away though I break up my family and then I risk him just doing the same with my daughter and letting her do as she wishes? Although I would want her more then my partners ex has her son so there's that.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated! Many thanks in advance

Your problem isnt being a step mother your problem is with your partner not parenting - what does he do with your daughter

Hmm in this situation I would be giving ultimatums.

Express that your at your wits end and suggest to him things need to change (there is always time for change, it might just rock the boat a bit until it re-settles).

Will your DP really want two kids from two broken families?

I think you are being totally reasonable. I have face similar issues but I nip them in the bud before I had my daughter. Understood things for you changed after which is totally unpredictable.

What does he do with your daughter? To be honest I would pick your battles. If he wants to let his son sit on his Nintendo all day, then fine but if you're cooking dinner for the whole family I'd put my foot down and say he either eats what you cook or doesn't have a meal - your daughter will pick up on that and possibly start being a fussy eater. He's most likely very sensitive about being told how to parent, its his responsibility but when it starts affecting you and your DD, then you have a say.

I agree with @dorris88 I think you need to tell him very clearly that things need to change. State what you said on here that dd is starting to see the differences and it's not fair on her. If it cant be addressed then you are unwilling to raise her in that house.

Also 3 out of 7 nights is pretty close to half his time so that is no excuse for failing to parent his child. Is there a reason mum never has a weekend with him?

No wonder you're at your whit's end. It sounds dire.

I agree that your partner's refusal to parent in any reasonable way is the problem here. He is really not putting either his son or your daughter first here; he's putting his own feelings about being 'superdad' who lets anything go as his top priority.

In all honesty, I would refuse to cook separate things. You're doing one meal and, if your partner wants his son to have something different, he will be making it. And serving it at a different time. He can either choose for his son to be included like everyone else in the family meals (and served a roast etc alongside everyone else) or he can choose to treat him completely differently.

Your daughter needs to see that meals are just something people do together and not be given the message every weekend that her sibling is more important and should have different food to her. Her father needs to accept this.

The bedtimes issue is ridiculous. Do the children share a bedroom? That sounds difficult and unworkable due to their ages anyway (although I appreciate that magicking up a bedroom isn't going to happen) but how ridiculous that your daughter gets exiled so that her dad can sleep there with her sibling. He must be exhausted with no bedtime and no routine.

Tbh, I can't imagine the child's mother is happy about it either. She must be getting an exhausted child back every Monday who hasn't been fed anything other than junk and has spent the entire time playing videogames. I certainly wouldn't be happy in either of your shoes.

I think a lot of parents do this with there children esp. if their not there full time. It’s common and it’s due to guilt and not wanting to lose their child.

I wonder if it’s possible to spend time away with your child every fortnight weekend your step son is present? Sometimes space is great way h

Hi

I had similar issues a while back regards eating bedtimes etc
All she ate was chicken nuggets aswell shes 8
My solutions
1.She eats what i make if not he dad cooks for her..so him coming in after a long day a work didnt work for him so he trained her to try new food now she eats what we eat

1. Bedtime routine was like yours

Solution. No kids programmes or ipad after nine oclock after doing a hard days work myself im not going to be watching kids programme after that She sleeps in our bedroom on a bed beside ours as there no room as my daughter has the other bedroom 2 bed apt. They go into the bedroom at 8 the watch a movie together by 10 shes asleep If my partner had not agreed it would of been up to him to stay elsewere

Im sure its 10 times harder for you as youve a child aswell
But u need to put ur foot down
If your not on the same page about things youl will go around in circles for years

Hope this helps x

@Guavafish

I think a lot of parents do this with there children esp. if their not there full time. It’s common and it’s due to guilt and not wanting to lose their child.

I wonder if it’s possible to spend time away with your child every fortnight weekend your step son is present? Sometimes space is great way h

@Guavafish - the OP said he is there every weekend.

Wow thank you for the response ladies!! Honestly didn't expect so much advice so thank you it's appreciated! I haven't learnt how to reply individually yet so hope you can see my reply.

When it comes to our daughter he is very much the same in terms of staying in the role of 'fun parent', he does allow me to parent her how I wish but in terms of me parenting his son that's basically out of bounds. It's really made a divide in our family, him and his son vs me and my daughter in a messed up way. He's just so so protective over his son when all I've tried to be is a good figure in his sons life. Bare in mind I am actually quite a young mum, I am only 24 and so was 20 when I tried stepping into the roll of step mum! My partner is a bit older, he will be 33 in July but half the time I feel like I'm more mature haha!

Definitely agree that I need to sit down and give him ultimatums so thank you, just hate being made to feel guilty and like I'm unreasonable for it. I'm at such a breaking point though that he needs to realise it needs to change otherwise I can't deal with it anymore and thank you all of you, was questioning myself if I was being unreasonable but your responses have helped to clarify that I'm not.

I'm not one to ever slate other mums but I must admit his ex won't be winning any mother of the year awards any time soon, won't go into to much detail but they live above a pub that she's the landlady of which my partners son absolutely hates. So I think that's another factor that adds into my partners guilt because he wishes he could take him away from that and have him live here full time but his ex would never allow that. His ex doesn't mind the way my partner parents because she does the exact same!

It's a hard one, I can sympathise with him so much because he is an amazing dad in terms of how much he loves his children, he just only ever wants to be their best friend and not their parent though which is the cause of the issues. I can't have space on the odd weekend because he wouldn't not see his daughter and I wouldn't want to be away from her either so it's a hard one but I get where you're coming from definitely!

I think I'm going to sit down with him on an evening his son isn't here, tell him things need to change because of how it will effect our daughter and go from there.

Thank you so much all of you honestly!

I would frame it not so much as ultimatums but about how your 'blended family' is going to work together so that dss is as welcome as your dd and everyone feels they belong etc. Talk about it as making sure dss isn't seen as a 'guest' but as a member of the family. That means being welcome and feeling safe but it also means fitting in with the family and house rules. Maybe agree the house rules together?

I can't imagine an eight year old boy who doesn't like a roast dinner! Does his mother not cook? My kids loved a roast and so did their friends.

Pizza and burgers are OK some of the time but I wouldn't serve them if everyone else was having something different.

Your husband needs to step up and support you.

Your problem is not your step son, and you acknowledge this. Your issue is the difference in parenting styles. The assumption should not be the your partner is wrong, but rather he is doing things in a way different to the manner in which you would do things. You do not need to be the one cooking a separate meal for your stepson, but it would not be unreasonable to sometimes include his favorites in the weekend dinner menu. Let your partner prepare the extras for his son.

Your daughter is not to young to begin to understand that children with different mommies are often allowed to do and behave in different ways. That is just a reality in the world in which we all live. Your stepson will learn the same lesson as he observes you parenting your daughter differently.

The solution for you and your partner might be to seek counseling or professional help in learning to communicate more effectively. You need to learn how to respect and successfully navigate around your individual differences and points of view.

You can certainly learn how not to have these arguments and discussions outside of the hearing of both children.

You may also both decide that these differences are so monummental that you do not want to deal with accommodation and compromise and that you no longer wish to live together.

Learning more effective communication strategies and willingness to compromise may save your relationship if that is a goal that the 2 of you share.

You sound nice and I sympathise.
The discipline needs to come from his dad as you say, not you, as you don’t want to make him resentful.
Is it worth explaining to DP and DSS why exactly certain rules are in place? Eg you don’t serve pizza every day because it’s not nutritional enough and DSS may not grow properly if not fed properly. Ditto bedtimes - brains need sleep. Show them some research if needed. Cutting down on gaming on days out helps DSS to bond better with his sister which will benefit both of them as adults.
In other words, any rules you have are there for the direct benefit of the children and NOT because you’re one of those rigid “my house my rules” “because I say so” type of stepmums - which you don’t seem to be!!
Would your DP be receptive to any of that do you think?

Yes that's a good point thank you @museumum - he's a very defensive person so ultimatums would probably be the wrong word to use! I do always try to make his son feel like he's not a guest and this is his home too, it's actually my house not my partners but we make sure he has his own 'half' of the bedroom he shares with my daughter so he always has his own space to go to as well. If my partner will agree to setting house rules then that would be a good step forward I think!

@Maggiesfarm I don't think his mum does! He says he eats the same at his mums as he does here. It's hard cause my little girl absolutely loved my roasts - now she's getting older and see's he gets to choose what he eats she refuses to touch them, but then I don't let her have anything else either so again it's really not fair on her! Exactly though like I would let them have a meal like that once a week say a Friday night treat ect but three nights a week just seems a little much!

The guilty father syndrome will never go away i dont think
Im 6 years living with it. No point in me trying change it becoz its a losing battle all the time so i just let him get on with it now and
if anything does arise i just say well if you treat ur children the way ur suppose to as a parent instead of friends you wouldnt be in that suitation
My partner has 2 older in there 20s who iv meet handle of times

Your daughter is not to young to begin to understand that children with different mommies are often allowed to do and behave in different ways. That is just a reality in the world in which we all live. Your stepson will learn the same lesson as he observes you parenting your daughter differently.

Totally disagree with this. If the DSC gets to lounge about on electronics, eat what they like, go to bed when they like and the resident child has rules? Simply because DSC has a different mum, surely this would OOZE resentment from the resident child.

I grew up in a blended family and I already resented my sisters for disappearing every weekend for activities, if they got to do as they please it would never result in happy families.

@Tiredoftattler I definitely agree with what you said about communication strategies being key to fixing these kinds of issues. I suppose nothing can ever be fixed if it's not spoken about clearly, I just struggle with my partner being so overly defensive around anything to do with his son. Conversations always seem to end in arguments!
I have to admit whilst I fully appreciate your opinion, I don't necessarily agree with the idea of asking children within the same household, to be understanding of their siblings being allowed to abide by different rules (unless it's an age thing e.g time they go to bed). I just think it could be potentially damaging, make a child feel like one is the 'favourite child' ect. I know if I was a child and I was made to eat a dinner which wasn't necessarily my favourite whilst I had to sit and watch my sister eat my favourite meal then it would make me feel awful! So again whilst I fully appreciate your opinion and taking time to give me advice, that part I don't fully agree on (the rest I do though so thank you!)

@Coronawireless that's the thing, I don't want to be the only one 'laying the law' because that would just make me the evil step mum! It really needs to come from his dad too. I definitely think it would be worth a shot, nothing to lose by putting it across to both of them like that and I'm sure would make them more understanding of the situation. Thank you!

@Kimbo180 oh gosh really! I was wondering if it would get better the older he got but apparently not?

He needs to parent both his children is he seriously going to expect to be the fun guy for the rest of his life

This exact scenario is why I couldn't have children with my exhb and I'm thankful I didn't. I knew I would end up there.

I hope to god the poor woman he cheated on me with and got pregnant managed to get him to figure that shit out.

OP, children in the same household with different parents often have a great need to understand different standards than do other children.
Early on they may see different gifting, travel opportunities, etc because their are different moms and or different grandparents involved. This is both your daughter and your step son's reality because of choices made by you and your partner. Fairness does not always factor in to the reality of children with different parent configurations.

Both your daughter and your step son will be best served by understanding the reality of the circumstances that surround their connected and disjoint parenting circumstances.

Not on this side anyway
But you always have to remember be firm and strong put it to him what needs changing if he is not willing to change if its always going to be a battle with him think to yourself is this worth it in the long run for you and yr child xx

Also I do feel a bit sorry for the “Disney dads” as they’re terrified the child will just refuse to see them unless they do everything they want. But it’s not good parenting obviously so again - would it help to tactfully point out to DP that DS liking him does not mean he respects him (and vice versa) and maybe he’s leaning too far to the “liking” side of things.
I attach a random photo from the internet but there are lots of discussions to be found there on leadership through like vs respect and how to balance the two. Maybe leave something “lying around” for DP to find and start a discussion.

I just can't deal with my daughter being brought up a certain way whilst she sits and watches her brother get to do all these things she's not allowed too

Well, when you split she will see him at weekends and he will do the exact same to her.
Why do you tell yourself he's an "amazing dad" when he's clearly really shit?

First I would tell him

1. Whatever is cooked for the family is to be eaten and no separate meals for each child.

I have 3 sons and my middle child is very fussy but I try and include 1 thing in the meal I know he will eat but he doesn't get special treatment or meals.

1. No electronics after a certain time, he can read a book etc until bedtime. If you go out for a meal, don't take electronics out etc. It's good for bonding to be sat at a table talking.

1. Tell your partner you are a blended family and you have to do what's right for everyone and not just 1 individual.

@OnTheHuntForAHome

First I would tell him

1. Whatever is cooked for the family is to be eaten and no separate meals for each child.

I have 3 sons and my middle child is very fussy but I try and include 1 thing in the meal I know he will eat but he doesn't get special treatment or meals.

1. No electronics after a certain time, he can read a book etc until bedtime. If you go out for a meal, don't take electronics out etc. It's good for bonding to be sat at a table talking.

1. Tell your partner you are a blended family and you have to do what's right for everyone and not just 1 individual.

It’s not wise for the SM (who isn’t their parent) to just lay down the law like that. This isn’t easy for DS either - as the OP has pointed out.