Can't be a step mum anymore :(

[bellbellb]

Hello!

I am new on mumsnet so I am hoping I've done this right!

The reason for joining is I am hoping to ask for some advice. I am at my breaking point with my relationship, I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 2 year old daughter together. He also has an 8 year old son who we have every weekend Friday-Monday. At the start of our relationship everything was fine, it's just since I have become a mum myself I have found things so much harder because it is clear our parenting is not the same.
I do not hold anything against his son what so ever as he's obviously just an 8 year old innocent child! Its my partners parenting though which allows him to act in a way which I don't agree with.
Examples are what he allows him to eat, when he is here the only things that he eats are chicken nuggets, pizza, burgers, starbursts and even has Oreos for breakfast? My daughter is getting older now and if I try to cook a roast on a Sunday which I serve for her, she's now realising that I've had to make her brother a pizza ect and refuses to eat her dinner. I think this is why I'm struggling so much more now my daughter is becoming more aware. It would be easier to tackle if he wasn't here as regular (not saying I'd want that to happen but just so you can understand the situation better) but he's here for 3 dinner time meals a week so on the food front I'm fighting a losing battle getting her to eat decent meals.
Another example is his electronics, he will sit on his Nintendo switch from the moment he wakes up till he goes to bed. We went for our first 'post Covid' pub lunch on Sunday and for the whole duration my partner let him sit on his Nintendo not getting him involved once, whilst my daughter sat with nothing. My partner doesn't give him a bedtime, he goes to bed when we go to bed which is around 11ish most nights. Then my partner goes in to sleep with him into the kids room and I bring my daughter in with me because his son asks him too. There are just a few examples but the list could go on, there is just no parenting there, no teaching him right from wrong. Like I said, I don't hold his son responsible for this, it is 100% my partner for always wanting to be the 'fun' parent and not have any boundaries.

What I struggle the most with is when I try and step in then he will snap at me 'he's alright' 'not causing any harm is he' 'oh he's only here on the weekends' ect ect so I stay out of it now otherwise it starts arguments and then I'm absolutely vilified in his sons eyes cause he will make it loud enough for his son to hear what we're talking about. So I just stay out of it now but I am at absolute breaking point. I just can't deal with my daughter being brought up a certain way whilst she sits and watches her brother get to do all these things she's not allowed too.
My partner never used to be like this, well to this extent anyways. I do believe that since our daughter has been born he has felt extra guilt towards his son because he never wants him to feel excluded which I do understand, but surely there's a line right?

Am I right in feeling like this? How is best to handle a situation like this? I just feel like I can't do it anymore, I've been so pushed now for so long I feel almost numb towards the situation. If I walk away though I break up my family and then I risk him just doing the same with my daughter and letting her do as she wishes? Although I would want her more then my partners ex has her son so there's that.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated! Many thanks in advance

I wouldn't be happy about this either. I would be surprised if the boys mum is either. Basically your step son is allowed to do whatever he pleases every weekend regardless of how it affects the rest of you or him. He should not be sat on a Nintendo all day. That's not parenting it's being lazy. Put your foot down but give a compromise. For example your step son can have junk food 1 night and a rubbish breakfast cereal 1 morning but everyone can so you are not cooking separate meals. He can have his Nintendo a certain number of hours but must earn it by going out on family trip etc. He goes to his own bed and your partner does not sleep with him. He is 8 not 18 months old.

@Coronawireless
Not every dad who has a different view or style of parenting than their partner is a Disney Dad, fearful of losing their children, or parenting out of guilt. Sometimes. they simply have a different take on behaviors and situations.

On this site, it often seems that many step mom tend to view parenting styles different than theirs as necessarily wrong and a function of laziness, fear or guilt. That is not necessarily true or an indication of a flexible approach to analyzing the behavior and motivations of others.

My cousin , who is a divorced dad and a bit older than me, fed his children a steady diet of fast food, had liberal to no restrictions on electronics device usage etc , and was insistent on his right to do it" his way", has produced 3 bright and successful children. None of whom suffer health issues because of their less than ideal diets, 2 of whom have completed undergraduate degrees and obtained appropriate entry level professional jobs , and a third child who will compete his undergraduate degree next year.

By the standards and views of many, he would have been considered a lazy or Disney Dad. I , on the other hand, pray daily that I will be a successful in leading my children to be as healthy , productive and capable individuals as his children have become.

There is usually more than one path to the same destination .

Not every dad who has a different view or style of parenting than their partner is a Disney Dad, fearful of losing their children, or parenting out of guilt. Sometimes. they simply have a different take on behaviors and situations

Sometimes they are just lazy gits who don't parent. If you feed a child any junk they want, don't send them to bed, let them be on a screen all day long...that's not a different parenting style. It's not parenting at all.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Coronawireless
Not every dad who has a different view or style of parenting than their partner is a Disney Dad, fearful of losing their children, or parenting out of guilt. Sometimes. they simply have a different take on behaviors and situations.

On this site, it often seems that many step mom tend to view parenting styles different than theirs as necessarily wrong and a function of laziness, fear or guilt. That is not necessarily true or an indication of a flexible approach to analyzing the behavior and motivations of others.

My cousin , who is a divorced dad and a bit older than me, fed his children a steady diet of fast food, had liberal to no restrictions on electronics device usage etc , and was insistent on his right to do it" his way", has produced 3 bright and successful children. None of whom suffer health issues because of their less than ideal diets, 2 of whom have completed undergraduate degrees and obtained appropriate entry level professional jobs , and a third child who will compete his undergraduate degree next year.

By the standards and views of many, he would have been considered a lazy or Disney Dad. I , on the other hand, pray daily that I will be a successful in leading my children to be as healthy , productive and capable individuals as his children have become.

There is usually more than one path to the same destination .[/quote]
Perhaps the steady fast food diet was compensated for by the children’s mother when they lived with her?

So he has moved in to your home ,brought his son ,moved his son in to your house half the week ,makes your daughter leave her bedroom on his sons say so .,yet your not allowed to parent your step child in your own home
Nah ,fuck that shit .
Your being walked over love
Get rid

Some things I wouldn’t have an issue with - eg DP sleeping in DSS room. That causes no health or social problems for DSS - it’s just a little inconvenient for you but won’t last forever (unlike the gaming and junk food). Pick your battles!

@Coronawireless

You could be absolutely right. The mother may have done everything differently than my cousin. But if that is the case, at a minimum it demonstrates that at least in some cases, children are not always damaged by dealing with differences in the parenting styles to which they are exposed.

Again, many different paths lead to the same destination.

I posted the comments below on the how to be a happy step mum thread.

I've edited it a bit to make it more relevant but basic content is the same.

I thought they might help OP.

Two things.

1. You and your DH need to be on the same page.

1. Boundaries - have them, communicate them to DH and keep them.

Being "on the same page" for DH and I meant we have house rules.

Simple things like respect for individual space/privacy. Doing age appropriate chores. Being polite/kind to each other. Set bedtimes/bedtime routines (again age appropriate). We all eat together at the table and everyone has to "try" a bit of everything (I don't set out make food I know they hate but I'm not cooking different food for individuals and they need to learn how to eat a varied diet).

If they don't eat the food I give them then they can make themselves beans on toast. That's the only option.

Breaking the rules has consequences that everyone understands, so it doesn't matter who disciplines the child in question having broken them. Examples are removing an hour (or more) screen time, extra chores, loss of pocket money.

There's no "red carpet" for the non- resident child. They are part of the family (and family rules) and treated like everyone else.

We holiday as a family (all of us) but don't expect that every activity has to be centred around access, because SC's also do nice things with their other parent at weekends.

DH has never penny pinched with maintenance. It's (well) above what he "should" pay but within his means and I think that's a good thing - who wants to be married to a man who won't appropriately support his ExP and child?

For my part I don't suffer in silence. If there's an issue DH and I discuss it like the adults we are and agree a solution (rare occurrence but has happened occasionally).

Fundamentally the biggest factor imho as a SM is how your partner/husband handles things.

If he's going to be a Disney dad or worse a deadbeat dad then run away and frankly I think your in the former territory. Don't put up with this for years especially if it's your house. He needs to shape up and act as a parent to both children or ship out.

I understand that his son is with him every weekend.

But why not see if you can break the weekends up - some weekends apart will be good... I.e maybe every other weekend OP and her daughter can go and stay with family or alternative father and son could. This will help break up the weekend routine as every weekend as a divided family is too much.

In response to the OP:

The problem isn't you, it's him. He isn't parenting his son. He's lazy.

When the boy is at your house, he should be parented how your child is parented. He will object to start with, but I can almost guarantee once he gets used to it he will enjoy it more. It's wether your P can get through the initial first stage where the child will object.
Children thrive with structure and discipline, and I don't mean being a right old meanie or anything extreme, but routine and consistency and expectations etc.
I realised I gave sweets too often and my DD who has the biggest sweet tooth ever has told me she genuinely enjoys her sweets more and looks forward to them now they only get them on a Friday, just as a simple example.

I also have first hand experience of kids who get too much screen time - deep down they are miserable and stressed as they get addicted to it. No exaggeration.

Blending families/children isn't easy by a long chalk, but it sounds like your P is just being lazy and taking the easy way out.

Once you get a harmony with the kids it becomes so much easier and the kids do better which is the ultimate goal.

I would frame it not so much as ultimatums but about how your 'blended family' is going to work together so that dss is as welcome as your dd and everyone feels they belong etc.

I agree with this advice.

Ultimatums are likely to be met with defensiveness and it won't achieve anything.

It's about working together, so nobody feels treated unfairly and regarding the meals, it's healthy eating.

He can't be eating pizza and nuggets for lunch at school, so he needs to eat other foods.

You might find this helpful in explaining healthy eating to SS. If your DP is on board, then you/he can watch it with him.

I'd take a moment to think about managing this situation (potentially) when the kids are 4 and 10/ 6 and 12 etc.
As you say, older child is doing what they want and younger one has rules and boundaries- this would have a massive impact on your dd as you know. Might be worth telling dp how it could cause her issues within herself like she's got a tough life- he gets it easy. She may turn against parents for allowing this to happen to this extreme. Or she may learn to be walked over as she feels she isn't as important.

As a pp said, I agree pick your battles- at home let him play games all day. However out I agree he should sit patient like the 2 year old.
Meals he should be served the same as everyone else ALWAYS. He will learn to eat it or he can have toast later!

DP needs to be aware he could be creating a spoilt entitled brat who will only get worse as he grows.
What's the bedtime all about?!

I think you're 100% correct to try to sort this ASAP and I'd want changes made by dad to ss immediately to see dad is committed.

No change I'd be gone!