Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Telling off SC

34 replies

KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 19:45

When I first met SC I was convinced the right thing for me to do was leave all telling off to my DH. I am not their parent after all. Unless they were going to hurt each other or it affected me I just left it.

I have since had my own DC and there have been a couple of occasions where I have told them off where my DC is being affected. Breaking toys, trying to feed her food we don't want her to have. Is this the wrong thing to do? They look at me so surprised and I can almost feel the oldest one about to tell me I'm not her mother any moment! I'm not sure what to do, it seems a bit much to call their dad from the other room to tell him to tell them off! I think I'm overthinking it but would like to know what you think. I'm too worried about being the evil stepmum but I am protective of my own child.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
sconenotscon · 17/04/2021 19:50

I don't see anything wrong with this. You sound like a lovely stepmum and very wary of their feelings about it but at the same time you need to set boundaries around your child. I'm assuming he or she is quite young

Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 19:55

Yes my child is very young, I feel so guilty when I tell my SC off though. I expect it's just a matter of practice.

OP posts:
Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 19:56

Maybe as it doesn't happen very much it has more impact when I tell them off? They look so shocked. I shall be careful to only say something if my child is affected.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2021 19:57

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/04/2021 19:57

All my friends/family pull my kids up when behaving ‘badly’ , I would happily do the same to any of their kids. Don’t see why SC should be any different

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2021 19:58

@OverTheRainbow88

All my friends/family pull my kids up when behaving ‘badly’ , I would happily do the same to any of their kids. Don’t see why SC should be any different
Completely agree.
Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 20:11

Ok thanks everyone! Like I said I did think I was overthinking things a bit!

OP posts:
bogoffmda · 17/04/2021 20:11

Consider yourself an aunt and aunts tell their nieces and nephews off.

Firm but fair and not too often

Aprilshowersandhail · 17/04/2021 20:13

If their df isn't there then you are the adult in charge. When your dc is old enough to grasp house rules it can't be seen that dsc get away with stuff because df isn't there..

Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 20:15

What if it's something like table manners though, when my child is older do I just say the rules are different for the SC as they have a different mum and dad doesn't care? Hmm..

OP posts:
Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 20:16

Firm but fair and not too often I will make this my mantra!

OP posts:
Love51 · 17/04/2021 20:22

I always think "auntie" is a good comparison. I'll make an effort for you, play, feed you, and call you out on any meanness, outright rudeness and downright idiocy. Obviously if the parent is right there I'd give them the nudge, but I'm not going searching the house. And yes, you always get to advocate for your own DC. Hopefully you don't need to (I'm thinking of a lactose intolerant family friend a little younger than my children. I would remind them when we saw him, but if they forgot and tried to give him chocolate or whatever I would fully expect the parents to speak up!)

Pleaseaddcaffine · 17/04/2021 20:33

There in my house its my rules, sorry but that's the way it is. Same for neicws and nephews.
There great kids though, so it's not an issue. If they ever said your not my mom the answer is easy, no but your in my house. Or neither is your teacher but you have rules at school.
Anything se isn't fair on the children, including the dsc, they are not made of glass and part of the family after all

zoemum2006 · 17/04/2021 20:36

You are an adult in charge of them, you have every right to tell them off (respectfully of course).

Aprilshowersandhail · 17/04/2021 20:41

Your house, your rules.. Both you and dh on the same page there... Their dm can also parent as she chooses.. In her home.

Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 21:04

Of course you have to stop them feeding your child the wrong food or breaking toys.

The thing is, where is their father? He should not be passing so much responsibility to you.

Tiredoftattler · 17/04/2021 21:06

In fairness to the kids what exactly does it mean to " almost hear a kid about to tell you that you are not his or her mom" ?

You do not need to psychic to be the adult in charge. If you are ceding all authority to your husband, the children will never have a reason to see you as or experience you as the adult in charge.

Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 21:13

Rejoiningperson in the next room doing the washing up. It seemed a bit silly to call him in to tell him I'd caught them trying to feed their sibling the food in that circumstanc but maybe I should have. It seemed like that would make it a bigger deal. They are old enough to be left in rooms by themselves now I just happened to be in this one with my DC.

Tiredoftattler I just sense they weren't best pleased with me telling them off. The oldest looked at me not with a sad look but it felt more of a challenging look. I felt they were biting their tounge. You know when someone looks angry and about to say something but doesn't. That.

OP posts:
Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 21:22

Sorry I didn’t mean call him in to tell them off, of course it should feel natural to tell them off. The younger the kids are, the more natural it should be too. It’s teenage step kids that are much more of a minefield.

But I do find that if you have a kid, like I did, with a new partner, sometimes the ‘washing up’ takes quite a while as sometimes we can be taken for granted as parenting all the kids for them. Watch out!

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/04/2021 21:25

@KoalaOok

Rejoiningperson in the next room doing the washing up. It seemed a bit silly to call him in to tell him I'd caught them trying to feed their sibling the food in that circumstanc but maybe I should have. It seemed like that would make it a bigger deal. They are old enough to be left in rooms by themselves now I just happened to be in this one with my DC.

Tiredoftattler I just sense they weren't best pleased with me telling them off. The oldest looked at me not with a sad look but it felt more of a challenging look. I felt they were biting their tounge. You know when someone looks angry and about to say something but doesn't. That.

Why would it matter if he / she was challenging you? If they are breaking your child’s toys or trying to break your rules about feeding your child, they need to be reminded who the adult is. If they argue, argue back and send them to their room
Aprilshowersandhail · 17/04/2021 21:32

Doesn't "dh, dsc is messing at the table" sound more ridiculous than "dsc can you please behave at the table?"

Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 22:07

@Aprilshowersandhail

Doesn't "dh, dsc is messing at the table" sound more ridiculous than "dsc can you please behave at the table?"
Yes definitely! I'm just overthinking!
OP posts:
Original poster
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 22:08

GrumpyHoonMain you're right It shouldn't matter if I do get challenged. I maybe worry too much what they think of me.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 17/04/2021 22:14

Imo making dh be the one telling them off =dc thinking he is The One In Charge and gives you zero chance of being respected.. And in your own home should be a given surely?

Guavafish · 18/04/2021 06:44

Let the father do it