Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Feeling like I'm unreasonable... But Im not

31 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2021 20:42

Dp 4 kids (one is our joint) has eow and 1 night in week. Dp is Self employed works when dsc are not here 7 days a week and I woke full time (main earner) over compressed hours x 5 days , 2 of which are shorter days.
Dp wants to leave all kids with me after 9pm and go to work returning in small hours or 5am ish next morning on Friday sat and Sunday contact weekends.
I've said flat no, it's his contact time and he will be too tired next day and miserable. He needs to manage his time better or do work stuff he can do at home.
He keeps bringing it up and basically I won't so this n that or he will have to work late all week and never see me or our ds.
I've still said no but i'm feeling pushed into a corner and I do not respond well to being bullied so I'm getting very short over it.
I have our ds every weekend and always have him after I finished work till bed time. I always cook and feel I do enough generally.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sadpapercourtesan · 12/04/2021 20:47

How old are they? Won't they be in bed?

Personally I would do it, it's part of pulling together as a family imo. But I'm sure there will be plenty who agree with you.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2021 20:49

Yes but our 2 year old gets up at 6am and he won't be home until then, then has to looks after 4 children during the day. Which isn't feasible

OP posts:

COS2102 · 12/04/2021 21:00

When is he planning on sleeping?....that doesn't sound like it would work at all....but I equally can't imagine being with someone who works as much as he already does so I massively feel for you on that front anyway

NerdyBird · 12/04/2021 21:03

That would be a no from me. He hasn't factored in sleeping. Kids might be asleep while he's at work but that means he'll be asleep while they're up! And expecting you to look after them no doubt.
Keep saying no.

steppemum · 12/04/2021 21:03

the issue isn't dh being away overnight, the issue is that he then can't look after them the next day.

I agree with you OP.
Reframe it. What he is asking is that you look after them for the whole of Saturday or Sunday when he is too tired, not really that you look after them overnight when everyone is asleep.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2021 21:18

How’s he promised to stay awake? What benefit does he feel his children will get from a weekend with a dead on his feet father? Are you desperate for the money?

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2021 21:22

Nope but dp says he loves the buisness

OP posts:

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/04/2021 21:25

I would do it as well if he is working and you need the money or it would be good for business but not if he were away on a boys' night out or doing a hobby or just doing it to get out of being at home.

As someone says upthread, you pull together as a family.

The children will be in bed surely and then the next day, they can watch telly or play on their devices until lunchtime whilst your DH sleeps in.

It's up to you though. I know there's a MN train of though that the SM should have very little to do with any SC of the family other than aloof politeness but that wouldn't work for me, personally.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2021 21:28

And what about the whole of sat and Sunday where he is as miserable as sin? It's unpleasant. If it was an hour in the morning it would be fine but not when it will essentially be whole weekend. It's really not fair on the kids, there here to see him and spend quality time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2021 21:31

I've taken them out for mornings on my own a few times to let dp work when it was needed but overnight every day of contact isn't okay. He's less than useless without sleep the next day (I speak form expirnece)

OP posts:

Thebookswereherfriends · 12/04/2021 21:34

I think you’re right, it’s not a case of “pulling together” - the children come to visit their father and spend time with him. If he’s asleep for half of it or miserable because he can’t get some sleep then what’s the point? If it was a one off to earn some extra cash you needed then that’s different, but a regular thing, no chance!

Mintjulia · 12/04/2021 21:40

Yanbu. If he isn't desperate for the money, he's taking advantage of you.

He needs to spend contact time with his children while you have some downtime after working all week

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2021 21:42

Thanks, just feeling a bit weird about the whole thing.
Hopefully it will sort itself out.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2021 22:10

I would probably do it for my DP, but that is because he would pull it together the next day on little sleep and not be a miserable arse. Perfectly reasonable to say no if your DP wouldn't do the same.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2021 22:12

Oh, and I should add, that's if we needed the money. I would just say no if we didn't.

user1493413286 · 13/04/2021 06:35

My DH works an awful lot similar to yours so I pick up everything at home (which I manage the resentment of just about) so when his DSD is here I say it’s not fair to work and he doesn’t see much of her as it is so he needs to prioritise that time. I am a bit flexible with it if he really need to do some thing but i wouldn’t be happy with that suggestion and it’s not good for his DSCs. Children aren’t children forever and they’ll be grown up with their own lives very quickly

ElderMillennial · 13/04/2021 07:23

Is his job one that needs to be done overnight or am I misunderstanding?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 13/04/2021 07:37

You have mentioned you are the main earner despite him working what seems to be 60 plus hours a week?

Is this because you are a really high earned or because his business is basically a hobby that earns a few quid?

Personally I would probably agree to do it once but state that if he is miserable or grumpy or just doesn’t engage properly with the kids then you won’t do it again. And then not do it again as he blatantly will be. Does he actually like any of his kids as he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with them?

Amanda87 · 13/04/2021 07:40

DO NOT DO IT!
YOU ARE NOTTTT BEING UNREASONABLE!
Father needs to make time for his kids and you need to take care of yours. Period!

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2021 07:44

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Nope but dp says he loves the buisness

More than he loves his dc? More than he loves you?

sassbott · 13/04/2021 07:46

Not remotely unreasonable. I would categorically refuse (unless we were on our knees financially and this was a short term solution through).
But in your scenario, no. I don’t care that he ‘loves’ the business. He doesn’t get to absolve himself of parenting his 4 children!
Sorry but I think he’s a cheeky fucker

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2021 07:46

@Mumoftwoinprimary

You have mentioned you are the main earner despite him working what seems to be 60 plus hours a week?

Is this because you are a really high earned or because his business is basically a hobby that earns a few quid?

This is what I’m wondering - does he earn below min wage when you account for the hours? Couldn’t sit quietly and ‘respect his passion’ if he was sacrificing his family for it.

Justilou1 · 13/04/2021 07:47

yaDEFINITELYnbu.

Parental RESPONSIBILITY is entirely HIS! If something were to happen as a result of his fatigue, he would be legally responsible. This involves car accidents, injuries in the home, negligence, due to inadequate supervision, etc. Everyone knows you need your wits about you to supervise a toddler and two year olds are energy vampires.
His kids need CONTACT! They are not there to watch him working. They are there to see him and interact with HIM and have him be physically and emotionally present. If he can’t do that, he should sign over all parental responsibility and pay more to their mother and simply admit that parenting isn’t in his wheelhouse. The end.

SelkieIntegrated · 13/04/2021 07:52

Yanbu
You do everything for yr joint child and he wants you to look after 4 of his other children! If he was grateful i might do it once but he is trying to bully you in to it so stay firn or it'll get worse

RandomMess · 13/04/2021 07:55

Is that you with the P and his hobby business?

Lives in your house, doesn't contribute and you only usually see him when his kids come for contact in YOUR home?

Honestly he's a selfish user.

Flip

1 2