Step daughter fussy eating - I’d love some advice on how to approach this

[Namechanger54782491]

Just to start by saying that I care about my step daughter very much and really enjoy having her here. There has always been an issue with mealtimes though, which has become much more of a problem now that she is living with us full time.

She is 13 (nearly 14) and extremely fussy when it comes to food. I know some people are fussier than others, but sometimes I suspect that it’s more about preferring pizza and chicken nuggets rather than actually not liking certain meals. But it’s impossible to tell when that’s the case and I don’t want to force her to eat food she doesn’t like!

We also have a 3 year old and a baby. 3 year old is a great eater and will eat a wide variety of meals.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to force her to eat things she doesn’t like. But I also don’t like having to cook separate meals for her. Ideally I like to throw something in the slow cooker in the morning so I’m not having to cook when the little ones are getting tired and can just dish it up. But she won’t eat anything from the slow cooker, like curry, bolognese, stews, casseroles. I’ve asked her to try a small spoonful and she does sometimes and says she doesn’t like it.

She is also happy to cook her own food, but this means buying different things and it’s always an unhealthy choice, like chicken nuggets, chips, pizza. I suspect she likes this option because she can eat what she wants when she wants.

I like to eat together as a family and she enjoys this too, but when she’s got a different meal my 3 year old then starts asking for what she’s got, and I don’t want him having that because I like him to have a good diet which lots of variety

I’m happy to have chicken nuggets etc maybe once a week. I’ve asked her what she’d like and we’ve managed to get 2 healthy meals from this that we can all have.

Any advice on how to approach this would be great. I want to make her feel happy and welcome now she’s living with us full time so I want to approach it carefully and do the right thing

I should say, I’m the one cooking because DH comes in just after tea is ready so it makes sense, and I’m happy to. He’s very hands on and more than pulls his weight etc. He however doesn’t see an issue with her fussiness at all. He thinks it’s very unusual for a child to like curry/casseroles/stew/bolognese/shepherds pie etc. I don’t think it is, I think it’s just that she has been allowed to be fussy all this time (I don’t mean just by her mum, I mean by everyone, including DH. And maybe I could have done more too, but up until now she’s been here holidays and weekends so it’s not been as much of an obvious issue I suppose)

Once again devlesko assumes that her experience is universal.

Parents whose children either throw up or refuse to eat no matter how hungry when only given food they don't like aren't raising snowflakes or giving up for an easy life, how fucking dare you.

And unfortunately you having autistic children only makes what you say worse.

@Devlesko
What you do for the children you personally carried in your womb is your decision. If I tried your approach with my DSCs, I would be (almost literally) crucified by their blood relatives!

@Captpike

Once again devlesko assumes that her experience is universal.

Parents whose children either throw up or refuse to eat no matter how hungry when only given food they don't like aren't raising snowflakes or giving up for an easy life, how fucking dare you.

And unfortunately you having autistic children only makes what you say worse.

Once again you assume wrongly Gosh, you sound unhinged again. What part of the word some don't you understand? Try reading the posts, instead of assuming, just for once.

I understand the word some, and also the word always. You're constantly generalising about all sorts of people, your prejudice knows know bounds.

I would worry about your DSD's preferences rubbing off on your younger children (speaking from experience). Whatever you decide to do, don't discuss it all in front of them.

[quote NorthernSpirit]I don’t have any advice on this, as I have a 15 YO SD who is an extremely fussy eater.

For years her dad said it would get better with age, but guess what? It hasn’t. As everyone has spent years pandering to her she’s got worse.

She only eats vanilla oven food. Won’t eat any fruit or veg. The problem we have is that mum is also a fussy eater & panders to her - she’s asked (at mums what she wants) and that’s what she gets - she wants to eat oven chicken nuggets & chips every night, so that’s what she gets.

We can’t go out to a restaurant, holidays are a nightmare. In fact, the last holiday we went on, mealtimes were so stressful for me that I won’t be going on holiday with her again (we went to Portugal and she couldn’t eat anything on the menu so she ate a plain omelette or a bowl of chips every night because there was not one thing she would eat.

She’s starting to pay the price for the bad diet. She’s pale, lethargic, her skin and she has very bad skin.

I follow my mums meal planning and TBH it did me & my brother absolutely no harm. I do think we pander to kids wants to much now. This is great watching (and I totally agree).

[/quote] This is what I've had to deal with my step son for years. I have no reason to believe he has autism or any other special needs, its purely just that he cannot cope with anything other than his favourite (again-beloved nuggets and chips, its always nuggets and chips!). Its just another form of spoiling in my opinion, pandering and giving him whatever he wants rather than parenting. He's spoiled in every other aspect of life and this is just another one. His half brother is exactly the same! As I said in s previous post, we manage to resolve his issues in 5 minutes by telling him he wouldnt be having any treats, puddings, snacks etc unless he started eating his dinners properly. Low and behold, 12 years of fussy eating disappeared before our eyes and he hasnt looked back. Its about being fair, consistent and teaching balance for his own health. So whilst the needs of kids with autism/aspergers will differ massively, what I see way more often is kids just being difficult and spoiled which is what the majority of people in this thread are referring to.

This is so hard isn't it. I have a similar issue with DSD 15: won't eat any type of fruit, only a very limited selection of veg (peas, carrots and occasionally broccoli). no tomato based food - but will eat lasagna. No mixed up food (curry, casserole, fajitas, shepherds pie). No fish. She only drinks water. Breakfast and lunch is toast with butter or bread and butter, no other topping or filling. It's a nightmare so I just leave it to her dad to adapt what we are having. She's very slight and hasn't started her periods yet but, again, she has a mum and dad to look out for her. I've taken a step back and don't get over involved.

@Captpike

I understand the word some, and also the word always. You're constantly generalising about all sorts of people, your prejudice knows know bounds.

So that's why I included the phrase it worked for us. I'm not prejudiced against anyone, just replying to a question. I thought that's what we did on here, what suits one doesn't suit another, we are all different and no need for generalising, but keep assuming my love.

For those who have teens who will only eat nuggets - have you tried explaining to them what different food groups do and offering to help them explore new foods to see if they can tolerate them for their health?

That worked with autistic DS. Once he realised different foods have different health and strength giving properties, he became a tiny bit more open to new things.

E.g. If they will drink vanilla milkshake, add a chunk of chopped banana to one, very well blended, and see if they notice. If they don't add two chunks and so on.

Same with pasta and tomato sauce. Try add a few pureed slivers of red pepper or onion and build that up gradually. Do the same with pizza sauce. Blend tiny amounts of other veg into the mix. Do home made burgers with tiny amounts of minced veg stirred into the meat mix. After about half a dozen times, tell them what you've done and explain it was to give them extra nutrients.

It does take a lot of patience and dedication. It took me the best part of a decade and a half to get DS2 eating 'normally' but the payoff is fantastic. We can go to restaurants. He is a good cook. He's now enthusiastic about food and adventurous about trying new things which is very rare in an autistic person. And socially he doesn't stand out as fussy and weird.

Try stuffed aubergines as a substitute for pizza

Today on 'Only On Mumsnet'

@GizmoBasil

Try stuffed aubergines as a substitute for pizza

Today on 'Only On Mumsnet'

Ummmmm. Seriously? My DSD, who used to eat a pretty restricted, beige diet, now prefers this to actual pizza. I experimented to find ways of getting her to eat vegetables and this one stuck.

@Cowbells

For those who have teens who will only eat nuggets - have you tried explaining to them what different food groups do and offering to help them explore new foods to see if they can tolerate them for their health?

That worked with autistic DS. Once he realised different foods have different health and strength giving properties, he became a tiny bit more open to new things.

E.g. If they will drink vanilla milkshake, add a chunk of chopped banana to one, very well blended, and see if they notice. If they don't add two chunks and so on.

Same with pasta and tomato sauce. Try add a few pureed slivers of red pepper or onion and build that up gradually. Do the same with pizza sauce. Blend tiny amounts of other veg into the mix. Do home made burgers with tiny amounts of minced veg stirred into the meat mix. After about half a dozen times, tell them what you've done and explain it was to give them extra nutrients.

It does take a lot of patience and dedication. It took me the best part of a decade and a half to get DS2 eating 'normally' but the payoff is fantastic. We can go to restaurants. He is a good cook. He's now enthusiastic about food and adventurous about trying new things which is very rare in an autistic person. And socially he doesn't stand out as fussy and weird.

This is amazing advice. Makes such a difference to hear someone who tried and it paid off rather than giving in.

DH comes in just after tea is ready so it makes sense...He however doesn’t see an issue with her fussiness at all. He thinks it’s very unusual for a child to like curry/casseroles/stew/bolognese/shepherds pie etc

So your dh is a lazy parent really then isn't he?
He doesn't have the responsibility of cooking so doesn't have to deal with the mental/physical/logistics of it all and thereby doesn't have the stress.
So it's easier for him to just pass it back to you with a "there's no problem".

It sounds to me like she's figured out how to play you both and has you both wrapped around her little finger and knows exactly how to manipulate and manouevre her way into being able to set her own 'rules' in a very sneaky manner.
What she's been eating is hardly healthy is it?
Yet her dad doesn't care.

And you're making a rod for your own back by pandering to her in this manner.
And your DH is talking out of his arse about teens not eating the above mentioned foods.......

This post just sounds like yet another woman martyring herself for a man and his lazy parenting and taking on his responsibilities in the mistaken belief that this is 'love' and 'partnership'........

Try passing the full responsibility of sorting out his child's eating/attitude back to hima nd see how quickley his attitude chnages........
and by the way, setting the precedent of having his meals waiting for him soon as he comes home is not going to do you any favours in the long run.
Try expecting him to share the cooking when he comes home - cos you're giving him 'time off' whilst you're constantly 'on duty'..........