Step daughter fussy eating - I’d love some advice on how to approach this

[Namechanger54782491]

Just to start by saying that I care about my step daughter very much and really enjoy having her here. There has always been an issue with mealtimes though, which has become much more of a problem now that she is living with us full time.

She is 13 (nearly 14) and extremely fussy when it comes to food. I know some people are fussier than others, but sometimes I suspect that it’s more about preferring pizza and chicken nuggets rather than actually not liking certain meals. But it’s impossible to tell when that’s the case and I don’t want to force her to eat food she doesn’t like!

We also have a 3 year old and a baby. 3 year old is a great eater and will eat a wide variety of meals.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to force her to eat things she doesn’t like. But I also don’t like having to cook separate meals for her. Ideally I like to throw something in the slow cooker in the morning so I’m not having to cook when the little ones are getting tired and can just dish it up. But she won’t eat anything from the slow cooker, like curry, bolognese, stews, casseroles. I’ve asked her to try a small spoonful and she does sometimes and says she doesn’t like it.

She is also happy to cook her own food, but this means buying different things and it’s always an unhealthy choice, like chicken nuggets, chips, pizza. I suspect she likes this option because she can eat what she wants when she wants.

I like to eat together as a family and she enjoys this too, but when she’s got a different meal my 3 year old then starts asking for what she’s got, and I don’t want him having that because I like him to have a good diet which lots of variety

I’m happy to have chicken nuggets etc maybe once a week. I’ve asked her what she’d like and we’ve managed to get 2 healthy meals from this that we can all have.

Any advice on how to approach this would be great. I want to make her feel happy and welcome now she’s living with us full time so I want to approach it carefully and do the right thing

I should say, I’m the one cooking because DH comes in just after tea is ready so it makes sense, and I’m happy to. He’s very hands on and more than pulls his weight etc. He however doesn’t see an issue with her fussiness at all. He thinks it’s very unusual for a child to like curry/casseroles/stew/bolognese/shepherds pie etc. I don’t think it is, I think it’s just that she has been allowed to be fussy all this time (I don’t mean just by her mum, I mean by everyone, including DH. And maybe I could have done more too, but up until now she’s been here holidays and weekends so it’s not been as much of an obvious issue I suppose)

There’s a difference between fussiness and an eating disorder and it’s not always easy to tell! DD won’t eat any of the meals you’ve described but has various MH conditions which are being worked through, whereas other kids may just be a bit stuck in their ways. Either way, the most important thing is for mealtimes to be enjoyable. If they become a battleground, she’s not going to eat. I’d advise a mixture of slow cooker and non- slow cooker meals. Maybe have a ‘safe’ food on the side like bread and butter and a healthy (ish) dessert so you know she’s not going to starve and then take a “just eat what you fancy” approach. You sound like you’re being very reasonable about it all btw!

Can you be accepting of her fussiness by try to get her involved in cooking her own food for some of the days so it's less of a hassle for you

I am someone who loves all food now but really only ate beige until my late teens/early 20's when my taste buds changed and I started liking any vegetables, cheese that wasn't cheddar, things with tomato sauces, stews , brown bread . . .

My DD is like this although I don't call her a fussy eater as that can be negative. She genuinely doesn't like certain food and textures. She's not being fussy. I had a chat with her about it and it turns out she doesn't like "wet" food. So anything saucey or that has gravy.
We get around it my making her portion of spag bol with only a tiny bit of sauce. I strain the gravy from her portion of stew and so on.
She also makes home made pizza and chicken nuggets which are much healthier than shop bought ones.
She did tell me that meal times were becoming very stressful for her as she knew I had put the effort in to cook nice meals and she didn't want to tell me she didn't like it. It actually caused her anxiety which broke my heart.

She has agreed to at least try knew things but she knows she can be 100% honest if she doesn't like it. This has helped as it turns out she likes a few more things than she used to. This week it turns out she likes dim sum which I would never have thought.

Not sure if any 9f that is helpful but you sound like you really care and want to do the right thing.

Thank you everyone. It really resonated when I read that maybe I need to be more accepting of her fussiness. So far I’ve very much seen it as something that I need to fix and maybe it would be much better to accept that this is just the way she is at the moment. She does say that she wishes she was less fussy, and I think you’re right, that is quite a negative word isn’t it.

She is a great teenager, and wonderful with her little brothers, so I definitely don’t want to create an issue where there isn’t one. This has really helped me see this from her point of view, thank you.

I think it is wet food that she doesn’t like actually now that’s been mentioned. She likes things that are separate. So maybe I could find a way around for her, so if we have chicken casserole she could have chicken breast, potatoes and veg, which I know she’d like. So just a dry version of what we’re having. That seems really obvious now.

Ask her to help plan the week’s meals & cook together?
If she’s involved in choosing the meal & preparation will be good bonding time & she will eat same as everyone else.
Also can make own versions of chicken nuggets/strips etc that are better for you than ready made.

I think aversion to wet foods is really common as well as textural issues.

I have real textural issues with fruit and veg for instance, I prefer to eat raw veg or veg which is crunchy, so we eat stir-fry quite a lot, and things like carrots should still have a bite to them, but even so I eat loads of raw ones before they hit the pan.

If you can do separate parts of the same meal then that could work. Even if you did a spag Bol with the sauce on a separate part of the plate to the pasta that could work.

I think that spice and curry really is an acquired taste. My DS eats all manner of foods, but he won’t touch anything spicy and he’s 18.

The wet food and keeping food separate is not usual apparently. DD told me sauces/gravy changes the texture of food she actually likes so then she ends up not liking that meal.

DD will eat beans on toast for example but will use a slotted spoon to drain off most of the sauce and the toast is kept separate on a side plate as she hates soggy toast.

My DD refuses to eat wet food too (however she is mildly autistic and has a few sensory issues). I solve the problem by straining the sauce off of things, or giving her the ingredients separately rather than all mixed up together

Preparing dinners can be hard work but it's not her fault so I've just accepted that's who she is

Another voice suggesting it might be a wet food issue. Try healthy foods that are more like the food she likes in texture and see if that helps.

Yep it's wet food.
My Ex DP teenage DD had terrible food aversion and anxieties - they impacted her life more as she got older - she wouldn't go to others houses or school trips all because of food.
She wouldn't eat out because they put the basil leaf on the pizza express margarita and had a reason for every restaurant except Macdonalds. Where she would only eat a hamburger after scraping out the relish.

I just cooked as usual and she ate plain pasta, plain potatoes and plain rice. If I did fajitas I would cook a bit of chicken separately and she would make up a plain wrap.

Top up with only fruit for pudding.

"allowed" to be fussy... so what do YOU propose, OP?

Since it's as easy as not "allowing" her to be fussy. Come back and tell us in 2 weeks how much she's changed, and how easy you found it to not "allow" her to be fussy.

Thanks so much everyone. It seems quite obvious now I’ve got some advice and thought it through. I’m looking forward to meal planning together tonight and seeing what we can come up with. I think she’ll like cooking together too.

@lljkk I’m not sure if you’ve misunderstood my post. I would never ever ever suggest that she just needs to eat what we eat and I won’t allow her to be ‘fussy’. Quite the opposite. I was asking for advice on how to accommodate this without it becoming her eating chicken nuggets on her own every evening, which is the last thing I want. I care about her very much and want the very best for her, as do all the adults in her life.

I thought DS2 was a fussy eater too, but he will actually eat almost anything that isn't wet food!

All of the stuff you want to cook is stuff that my own son doesn't like. I don't class him as a fussy eater though because he will eat vegetables, meat, fish, olives - just not all mixed up in a wet sauce.
Try food that is less of an amorphous mush and more obvious parts - so chops, peas, potatoes or fish, broccoli and rice. Will she eat a roast dinner?
Let her try a more pick and mix meal - think Mediterranean, homous, fish, salads, breads, slices of capsicum, olives.

Try stuffed aubergines as a substitute for pizza. You can smuggle in quite a lot of herbs with the onions and sundried tomatoes. Look at what she will eat and recreate a healthier version. It's a slow reeducation of the palate. DSC, now independent, looks forward to the food parcels. Beats supermarket ready meals any day.

I had similar issues with my stepson since I met him when he was 4. Hes now 12 and we've recently cracked it. My partner for years was convinced he had an eating disorder because he was so so fussy but several inconsistencies in what he said made me think he was just being difficult.
Firstly I live by the mantra that you cannot make a kid eat food- that is not your job. Your job (or her dads job really) is to provide her with something healthy, filling and reasonably tasty. That is literally it. What she does with it is 100% up to her- if she wants to leave it and go hungry then that's her choice but I would never offer a back up or second choice (I also do this with my own son and low and behold- he eats everything and loves food).
It's not at all unreasonable to ask a child to try 2 mouthfuls of anything. Anyone can do that, it's perfectly reasonable. So initially maybe make a familiar meal but add on a couple of mouthfuls each of different vegetables. And again, up to her what she does with it. But there is absolutely zero chance of pudding or snacks if she doesnt eat it. Its not even about rewarding or punishing her, it's common sense, why throw away food to give her more? And it also teaches balance. Yes you can have pudding but you need to eat something decent too to balance it out. And all of this is because it's good for you and I care about you! If you do this with 1 kid and not the other (as we did for years- bio kid eats like this while step child eats filth) it does send a subliminal message that one kid is worth more effort than the other, or you care more about your bio kid. So we now do this with both kids and guess what? 12 years of an "eating disorder" disappeared in 5 minutes when he realised there was no pudding unless he ate his veg! Obviously if you think there's an actual eating disorder going on then you would probably handle it differently but what I've seen 99% of my step sons issues were from his parents pandering to his every whim and not wanting to ever be anything but his best friend with no boundaries whatsoever, particularly with food.
Theres an excellent account on Instagram called kids eat in colour- she shares loads of tips for getting kids to eat properly. I think with your step daughters age it will be more difficult but also not impossible. Consistency is key and if you are firm with it but also do it in a way that's loving and she knows its for her own good then it may well work.

I think you're being v sensible about this OP. You definitely don't want to be making meal times a battlefield with a teenage girl.

I've found really getting her involved with cooking helps. She doesn't have to eat it at all at first, but just handling raw ingredients can be really helpful. For lots of children and young people it's about texture and smell, so it can be helpful to acclimatise to these first. Chopping vegetables, looking up and reading out recipes for you. Then move on to making things from scratch that you know she likes - freshly prepared chicken Nuggets, pizza from scratch. Once she sees and starts to trust the individual ingredients, she might be more willing to try it another dish, for example, tomato sauce from pizza and chicken from Nuggets in a chicken and tomato pasta dish.

You're the one who used the word "allowed" to be fussy.

There was a fashion about 13 years ago that "you just have to get someone to try something 6x and then they will get used to it & like it". DS encountered this at After school club, they made him eat apple. He ate it, & refused to ever set food in the place again. Woohoo, lot of good that experience did us all.

My Mum made one meal for everyone, if I didn’t want it I was expected to eat maybe the vegetables, or I could make myself a sandwich. My dds often eat a supper that isn’t quite what they want but it is the only food on offer. If it really is something that one dd has taken a dislike to, then I offer to put some pasta on, or we might slightly adapt the meal somehow.
I don’t think it is unwelcoming to expect her to take part in family meals and at least try things. You could the less healthy choices a weekly treat maybe ? Eg we have pizza night. Although pizza isn’t a terrible choice if it is homemade .
It is difficult as I don’t like demonising food groups, and teens are growing so fast that they seem to crave easily assimilated calories. Getting teens to eat a good range of foods can be tricky. One of mine hates anything green but will eat fruit. If food becomes too much of a battle then it loses all joy, and family mealtimes are so nice. A few basic rules for politeness, and some flexibility but also sensible meal plans maybe ? I think removing the constant option of chips/nuggets by not having them in the house might help.

It is so worth it, putting in the effort with food when you have a stepfamily. Making mealtimes a real pleasure for all gets everyone relaxed and talking, and you need that. When your DSCs see you taking time and trouble over their favourite food, it helps you all with the really rough patches later on.

All 3 of my SC are fussy eaters all in different ways. The littlest will only eat chicken nuggets and chips, chocolate chip Cookies, noodles and toast. The middle one won’t eat any meat apart from roast chicken and is very picky, won’t eat any veg, anything with bits in, anything wet etc. The eldest loves meat and veg but doesn’t like potatoes or pasta etc. It’s hard work, every breakfast,lunch and dinner I have to cook something different for everyone. Sunday dinners are a bit easier as they just choose what they want on their plate but I still have to cook nuggets for the little one as well as a full Sunday dinner. I used to get proper stressed about what they ate but I just get on with it now and hope as they get older their diets will get better.

Since she’s a teenager I would just leave her to it. Buy in easy stuff that she can make and likes. She may start branching out in her own time 😁

@Namechanger54782491 how often is she with you? If it's only 2 or 3 times a week, you could have 2 or 3 'go to' meals that you know she'll like.
I had a very Siloam situation with my dsd (now an adult) We did things like made chicken nuggets together from scratch so that they were healthy. Could you maybe do something like that? Adapt the things you know she likes? The 3 year old could also get involved and you could freeze them so that you could still have easy meals.
My dsd would have Bolognese but didn't like 'bits' I just used to blend the sauce. She's now married to a chef and, although she's still partial to a chicken nugget , she enjoys trying new foods and has a healthy diet.
You sound like you're doing a great job and your dsd will appreciate your care and kindness.

*similar

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