Step daughter fussy eating - I’d love some advice on how to approach this

[Namechanger54782491]

Just to start by saying that I care about my step daughter very much and really enjoy having her here. There has always been an issue with mealtimes though, which has become much more of a problem now that she is living with us full time.

She is 13 (nearly 14) and extremely fussy when it comes to food. I know some people are fussier than others, but sometimes I suspect that it’s more about preferring pizza and chicken nuggets rather than actually not liking certain meals. But it’s impossible to tell when that’s the case and I don’t want to force her to eat food she doesn’t like!

We also have a 3 year old and a baby. 3 year old is a great eater and will eat a wide variety of meals.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to force her to eat things she doesn’t like. But I also don’t like having to cook separate meals for her. Ideally I like to throw something in the slow cooker in the morning so I’m not having to cook when the little ones are getting tired and can just dish it up. But she won’t eat anything from the slow cooker, like curry, bolognese, stews, casseroles. I’ve asked her to try a small spoonful and she does sometimes and says she doesn’t like it.

She is also happy to cook her own food, but this means buying different things and it’s always an unhealthy choice, like chicken nuggets, chips, pizza. I suspect she likes this option because she can eat what she wants when she wants.

I like to eat together as a family and she enjoys this too, but when she’s got a different meal my 3 year old then starts asking for what she’s got, and I don’t want him having that because I like him to have a good diet which lots of variety

I’m happy to have chicken nuggets etc maybe once a week. I’ve asked her what she’d like and we’ve managed to get 2 healthy meals from this that we can all have.

Any advice on how to approach this would be great. I want to make her feel happy and welcome now she’s living with us full time so I want to approach it carefully and do the right thing

I should say, I’m the one cooking because DH comes in just after tea is ready so it makes sense, and I’m happy to. He’s very hands on and more than pulls his weight etc. He however doesn’t see an issue with her fussiness at all. He thinks it’s very unusual for a child to like curry/casseroles/stew/bolognese/shepherds pie etc. I don’t think it is, I think it’s just that she has been allowed to be fussy all this time (I don’t mean just by her mum, I mean by everyone, including DH. And maybe I could have done more too, but up until now she’s been here holidays and weekends so it’s not been as much of an obvious issue I suppose)

I was going to say the same thing about making "dry" meals. I wouldn't let her just eat junk food, but she could have plain chicken with rice and veg easily. There is a middle ground between "let her eat what she wants, develop bad habits and set a terrible example for the other children", and "expect a fussy eater not to object to stew". I think this could be quite easily remedied.

Thing is, there definitely does need to be a middle ground between forcing a child to eat, and just allowing them to eat whatever they want.

Thing is it can be really hard to be firmer around food because food is our prime source of survival, iyswim.

But while a parent shouldn’t be forcing their child to eat certain foods, neither is a parent wrong for saying that “this is what’s for dinner, if you don’t eat that there isn’t anything else.”

I would definitely serve the different parts of the meal separately, so have a bowl of pasta, a bowl with the bollognese in it, or a bowl with the curry and the rice separately etc. Don’t put the gravy on the roast and let everyone help themselves to that.

And it’s ok to have exceptions, e.g. I wouldn’t put up with a child telling me that chocolate was something they had to eat or was among the only things they would eat.

Dsd can be quite fussy. I deal with it by not doing much cooking when she's here and let dp either cook her a separate meal or find something we can all enjoy.

I think that it's best to step back from situations with step children that make you feel frustrated.

All of mine tried fussy eating, think it lasted a couple of days. Eat whats cooked or go hungry, meal in fridge for next day.
People allow their kids to be little snowflakes anything for an easy life.
If they really don't like something then fair enough, we all have different tastes, but fussiness no way.

@Devlesko

All of mine tried fussy eating, think it lasted a couple of days. Eat whats cooked or go hungry, meal in fridge for next day. People allow their kids to be little snowflakes anything for an easy life. If they really don't like something then fair enough, we all have different tastes, but fussiness no way.

Just IMHO - This is a recipe for giving your child massive anxiety issues around food. Not allowing your child food (e.g. eat it or its in the fridge, and nothing else - or likewise forcing 'bites'), when they have texture or aversion issues, reinforces the anxiety they are battling, and almost assuredly creates more mealtime issues. It's an incredibly outdated view that children are 'fussy' or 'snowflakes' if they have food and sensory/texture issues.

I think another poster earlier up mentioned their child got really anxious and couldn't go on school trips etc, because they worried about the food so much. That was Me! And the more adults and teachers in my life who shamed me because of it, and called me fussy, or tried to make me 'just eat a sandwich' - well that didn't go down well and it made me honestly hate eating around others / when not at home and I could control it. But guess what - as an adult - and with tons of time and exposure at my own pace and help, I now eat healthy, varied, diet full of lovely things. Time and not shaming made all the difference. And no, I still don't like wet things like mayonaise on a sandwich and that's A-OK.

@Devlesko

All of mine tried fussy eating, think it lasted a couple of days. Eat whats cooked or go hungry, meal in fridge for next day. People allow their kids to be little snowflakes anything for an easy life. If they really don't like something then fair enough, we all have different tastes, but fussiness no way.

I hope you never have a child with autism.

@Devlesko

All of mine tried fussy eating, think it lasted a couple of days. Eat whats cooked or go hungry, meal in fridge for next day. People allow their kids to be little snowflakes anything for an easy life. If they really don't like something then fair enough, we all have different tastes, but fussiness no way.

I've seen a child projectile vomit when that was tried on them It wasn't tried again!

DD1 (15) has SN and an eating disorder - her diet, right now, is whatever she will eat and as many calories as possible in as small a volume as possible.

DD2 (13) has ASD. She doesn't do potatoes generally, but will tolerate chips/roast potatoes. She doesn't like peas, beans, baked beans, etc., because of texture. I still cook with peas, but she's allowed to leave them to the side of the plate. She would rather eat plain spaghetti, but I say she must have a little sauce with it.

DD3 (11) went through a 'might be a vegetarian' stage. I'd cook the same, but say 'are you on or off meat today?' She can't stand mushrooms. I still cook them, but she can pick them out.

I eat most things. I don't do soggy food though. So, bread and butter pudding, trifle, etc., is a no.

When I was 2, my Mum was told by a doctor to 'just give her a bowl of custard and she'll be fine'. Apparently, I lobbed it at the wall!

captpike
Two actually, both eat most things now as grown ups.
It worked for us, I don't give in for an easy time, it's always detrimental to the person in the long run.
You do what you want though, whatever suits you.

@Devlesko

captpike Two actually, both eat most things now as grown ups. It worked for us, I don't give in for an easy time, it's always detrimental to the person in the long run. You do what you want though, whatever suits you.

Your poor kids.

I'm autistic, my parents tried it your way. The changed track after I ended up in hospital, just looking for an easy time. 🙄

I don't give in for an easy time

Love the assumption that some of us are just lazy parents

My daughter was suffering from anxiety silently for years so she tells me because of her food preferences and her need not to upset me.
That was heartbreaking and frankly if changing a few things when I cooked stopped her feeling that way then its worth it.

I personally didn't have children so that I could bully them in to submission.

Just popping back to say that keep using your slow cooker but just put the meat in it - a whole chicken, a gammon joint are my go-to favourites.
Then I just do spuds a different way each time and steam plenty of veg.

We love new potatoes half mash/cut with olive oil, butter, salt and fresh rosemary. Half wet. Half dry!

I could not agree more with this!

People whose kids "only eat chicken nuggets and chips" umm sorry but if you are giving that to your kid every night then that's sending a pretty strong message that it's ok to eat nuggets and chips every day.
I always wonder what happened in the days before chicken nuggets and chips? Did these kids starve to death? Or did they just eat something different and get over it?

Similar advice to PP. DS2 was very fussy with food. We got him cooking which helped a bit. Also taught him about the food groups and what each one did for him and then asked him what from each food group he would eat at each meal. So he had some control. This meant years and years of carrot sticks and apple slices with every meal - but better than no fresh stuff. Eventually this branched out to tomato-based sauces, peas, roast peppers, squash, peas broccoli etc but it took a while. It helps to explain they don't have to love certain foods but if they can manage them, they will help with skin, nails, bones, brains, energy etc.

I totally agree with posters who mention autism. DS is autistic and it would have been disastrous if I'd tried the no nonsense eat what's in front of you approach. He projectile vomited often enough as it was and was skeletally thin from refusing to eat as a baby. It took years and years of extreme patience to help him manage more than about five different foodstuffs. There are lots of reasons why children don't or can't eat other than lazy parents allowing snowflake behaviour.

My ds is 13 and I cook whatever meal I am cooking and if he doesn't like it he can make himself pasta and sauce or an odd freezer dinner. He does eat proper food like what you've said in your op that you cook but if its something he doesn't like then he has to sort himself out. Dd 15 is the same. It works mostly as ds is too lazy to be bothered to cook himself pasta ect and only does it when he really doesn't like what I'm making. I kinda think at 13/14 you can make your own decisions around food, I lived on deep fried chips and sausages when I was that age and now I have a well balanced veggie diet.

Dss (7) is a very fussy eater, again I cook whatever we're having and if he doesn't like it there's a frozen jacket in the freezer and a snap pot of beans in the cupboard. Life is to short to be battling around food especially when the dc in question has parents that should be the ones worrying about their nutrition!

@Devlesko

All of mine tried fussy eating, think it lasted a couple of days. Eat whats cooked or go hungry, meal in fridge for next day. People allow their kids to be little snowflakes anything for an easy life. If they really don't like something then fair enough, we all have different tastes, but fussiness no way.

So kids with special needs are little snowflakes?

So kids with special needs are little snowflakes?

I must say, although I of course do not think that special needs kids are snowflakes, these threads always become very heavily dominated by discussions of SEN/autism.

It is also true that lots of children that don't fall into this bracket, are just being fussy, which does not seem to be acceptable to say on here.

@aSofaNearYou

So kids with special needs are little snowflakes?

I must say, although I of course do not think that special needs kids are snowflakes, these threads always become very heavily dominated by discussions of SEN/autism.

It is also true that lots of children that don't fall into this bracket, are just being fussy, which does not seem to be acceptable to say on here.

Maybe that's because by the time a parent is so worn down that they post on SM for advice, they have tried all the no-nonsense tips from parents of NT children and realised they don't work. I had no idea DS had autism until he was at secondary. But I knew the rules that applied to most children regarding eating and sleeping just didn't and never would work with him. That can be lonely and isolating, particularly if people think you are being a precious parent. It's good that on a forum lots of SEN parents come on to reassure worried parents that there may be an underlying cause. It's not them being shit and lazy or their children being snowflakes.

Maybe that's because by the time a parent is so worn down that they post on SM for advice, they have tried all the no-nonsense tips from parents of NT children and realised they don't work. I had no idea DS had autism until he was at secondary. But I knew the rules that applied to most children regarding eating and sleeping just didn't and never would work with him. That can be lonely and isolating, particularly if people think you are being a precious parent. It's good that on a forum lots of SEN parents come on to reassure worried parents that there may be an underlying cause. It's not them being shit and lazy or their children being snowflakes.

Again, I don't think they are shit or lazy at all. But I do think that a very disproportionate amount of people turn the conversation to SEN on fussy eating threads, to the point where it's near impossible to discuss run of the mill fussy eating amongst NT children, which is very common. I think it can have quite a counterproductive result.

@aSofaNearYou - good point. Fair enough. Maybe these threads attract those of us who had to spend unimaginable time and effort over the years to get our children to eat anything at all, so we're over invested in them. I think I am. I jump on these threads. I'll try to be a bit more aware that some children are just fussy eaters.

@aSofaNearYou

So kids with special needs are little snowflakes?

I must say, although I of course do not think that special needs kids are snowflakes, these threads always become very heavily dominated by discussions of SEN/autism.

It is also true that lots of children that don't fall into this bracket, are just being fussy, which does not seem to be acceptable to say on here.

Yes, I really said that Did you miss the bit where I said two of ours are Autistic, although were diagnosed with Aspergers. You do what works for you, and yes, some parents do give in for an easy life, encourage their kids to be snowflakes. It worked well for us, anyway.

I don’t have any advice on this, as I have a 15 YO SD who is an extremely fussy eater.

For years her dad said it would get better with age, but guess what? It hasn’t. As everyone has spent years pandering to her she’s got worse.

She only eats vanilla oven food. Won’t eat any fruit or veg. The problem we have is that mum is also a fussy eater & panders to her - she’s asked (at mums what she wants) and that’s what she gets - she wants to eat oven chicken nuggets & chips every night, so that’s what she gets.

We can’t go out to a restaurant, holidays are a nightmare. In fact, the last holiday we went on, mealtimes were so stressful for me that I won’t be going on holiday with her again (we went to Portugal and she couldn’t eat anything on the menu so she ate a plain omelette or a bowl of chips every night because there was not one thing she would eat.

She’s starting to pay the price for the bad diet. She’s pale, lethargic, her skin and she has very bad skin.

I follow my mums meal planning and TBH it did me & my brother absolutely no harm. I do think we pander to kids wants to much now. This is great watching (and I totally agree).