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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I sensitive or is this frustrating?

48 replies

Thisgirlcando · 07/04/2021 19:37

Sorry it’s so long - although the rant has made feel better!

We planned a couple of weeks ago that we would visit DPs relatives today with his kids. We got up at 6:30 so we could shower both his kids (both fell asleep early on the sofa last night). I washed and dried both of their hairs which meant I was having to rush to get myself ready- he would have done a crap job and they had asked for it a specific way. He did iron my clothes to help but I still had to rush.

I had to drive because his car is out of MOT until tomorrow, it’s two hours each way - both kids and DP slept for over an hour each way in the car. Had a really nice time with his family.

When we got back DP rushed into the house for the toilet. We had a bag of toys and clothes from the older cousins for the kids which I carried in and various other bits, I couldn’t pick up any more than I had. His youngest daughter (7) without being asked picked up all of the car entertainment toys they had both taken with them to bring back in the house. The oldest (11) got out barefoot leaving everything. I told her to please move her socks, drink and shoes from my car because my hands were full. This was met with the biggest sigh and her moaning it was all too heavy and she would be leaving her socks - I told her she would have to come back for her socks then. She had ran around the garden in them all day so I didn’t want them left in my car stinking! DP asked her what was wrong and she said SHES making me clean her car so I responded by saying no, I asked you to move your mess. DP said to me she must be tired just leave her, I will get her bits later - it’s 4 hours on and still in the car.

When we got in DP went to the shop and I said I was lying down for 30 mins because I’m exhausted. His eldest came to me and said “I need a drink making” I told her she’s old enough to make her own, she’s made plenty before, I was really tired and she hadn’t used any manners. As soon as DP got home she claimed I told her she couldn’t have a drink because I wanted a nap. I explained what happened and he went and made her one.

After tea I asked her to move her plate to the dishwasher, she does this at her mums and does it at ours maybe 30% of the time. Her response was I don’t know how and my arms are too tired from cleaning the car earlier. DP told her to leave it. When I put mine in the dishwasher he asked me to move hers too and it made me so mad. I just left it and came upstairs. The 7 year old did hers without being asked - she also brought up mine and her Easter eggs and suggested a snuggle and film.

Am I being over the top by feeling frustrated? His youngest is so helpful and well mannered that it’s hard to judge. I’ve never known any other kids so have nothing to compare to. I’ve known these 6 years.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 07/04/2021 19:38

11 year olds can be stroppy, however you have a massive dh problem in that he lets her get away with it over and over again

Original poster

Thisgirlcando · 07/04/2021 19:46

She isn’t normally like it! It’s almost like they were plotting today. I’m going to wait for DP to be really relaxed and comfortable later and then remind him about the socks.

OP posts:

KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 19:54

11 year old can get like that but DP needs to stop her treating you like that.

KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 19:56

I would consider stepping back a bit from doing the carrying and tidying up for them- it's little things that don't get noticed but can easily make you feel a bit resentful if then treated with no respect.

KineticSand · 07/04/2021 20:00

Oh dear. I can see how this would be annoying for you. I would be knackered and probably quite infuriated after a day like that!

However... She's a child and she has been a bit lazy and bratty. She's the child. You are the adult in this situation.
She didn't ask for her parents to split up, for a stepparent nor did she choose you. Her life is out of her control. You chose to marry a man with dc and chose this stepmom role for yourself. It's your job to be the grown up.

I wish my stepmother had not interpreted every little thing I did as a personal slight against her or a premeditated plot, when I was a little girl. It made for a very difficult atmosphere and unhappy times for everyone, which was not my fault nor doing. Although she always claimed it was.

Also please be wary of the difficult older child/ sweet little child stereotypical roles. It's possible the little one is playing up to this! Either way it will make the older one feel worse and probably act worse as a result.

Good luck. You are clearly doing your best and loving other people's children is not easy.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2021 20:09

I would tell your DP you're tired of dealing with it unsupported so will be stepping back and he needs to step up.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2021 20:26

Very annoying. What's heavy about socks and a drink. She's a lazy madam and her dad is enabling her.

I would have told her to take them out or they're going in the bin. That's what I'd do with my own child anyway.

Youseethethingis · 07/04/2021 20:33

She didn't ask for her parents to split up, for a stepparent nor did she choose you
What’s that for to do with sock picking up capabilities?
Her life is out of her control
Exactly the same as all kids her age then. You chose to marry a man with dc and chose this stepmom role for yourself. It's your job to be the grown up
But it’s not OPs job to be the personal servant, chauffeur and general skivvy, and it’s certainly not her job to have to parent this child when her father clearly CBA.

User5747384 · 07/04/2021 20:39

Wow, I wouldn't put up with that, especially her lying about things that didn't technically happen.
He needs to nip that in the bud now.
He also needs to notify her mother so she's aware of her behaviour.
Take a step back and tell him to step up.

Original poster

Thisgirlcando · 07/04/2021 20:52

It's your job to be the grown up.

Very patronising. What have I done that isn’t “grown up”? Do you not expect an 11 year old to be capable of moving her dirty socks? Was I not grown up because I needed a rest that everyone else in the house had been able to have? Is it because I didn’t make her a drink, something she is more than capable of - it would have been less effort for her to put her bottle under the tap then come up two flights of stairs to demand I do it. Or was I not grown up because I didn’t let her lie about me?

And it’s not a case of sweet younger child stereotypical role. Why shouldn’t the younger child’s behaviour be recognised if it is good? She’s only 7 but she’s actually 65 at heart, after I had a bath the other day I got out to find my pjs on the radiator because she realised my room was chilly and she thought it would warm me up quicker! If the eldest does something good/helpful then she gets praise too.

She didn’t ask for her parents to split, but they have, that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to a slave.

OP posts:

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 20:56

It's his job to be a parent and supportive partner. He's neither. Sorry but I'd not be continuing this relationship. He's found a convenient replacement parent in you.

user1493413286 · 07/04/2021 20:59

It sounds like fairly typical behaviour from the child and you dealt with it well and in the right way but then your DP undermined you. My DSD can do similar things but DH will always back me up and if he doesn’t agree then we talk about it in private to decide how to approach things.

Teardrop2021 · 07/04/2021 21:01

My 13 year old is like that difference is he gets plulled up on his behaviour. You have a dh problem.

StartingAfresh21 · 07/04/2021 21:02

you are being taken advantage of. Get DP to clean up his and his kids crap and leave your house if they are not willing to pull their weight.If you dont do this you are going to regret it years from now

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/04/2021 21:04

As they say on here. You have a DH problem. Yes she’s being a lazy entitled little madam but he’s letting her get away with it. It’s so hard when you’re expected to be a parent when it comes to organising them and driving them about to visit their relatives but you’re not allowed to ask them to pick up after themselves without being painted as the evil Stepmother.

You need a serious word with him about backing you up when you ask her to do a simple job and that if he undermines you again he can do baths and hair and drive them about and pick up their crap and you’ll spend your weekends visiting your own family.

anunexaminedlife · 07/04/2021 21:09

'She didn't ask for her parents to split up' - for fucks sake. It doesn't matter what the DSC has done, these excuses are reeled out over and over again on every step parenting thread. She's being a brat and if you had said DC instead of DSC nobody would be making stupid excuses for her obnoxiousness. And obviously your DP is an annoying Disney dad but you know this. Stop doing stuff for him or her.

KineticSand · 07/04/2021 21:39

I don't think it's really anything to do with socks though. That's just one childish way of her expressing a feeling or just pushing her luck to see how far she can go.

I agree her dad is not helping at all by not pulling her up on her bad behaviour.

Original poster

Thisgirlcando · 07/04/2021 21:48

I don't think it's really anything to do with socks though.

Is that because you are projecting your own bad experience and assuming I must be the same as whoever upset you?

You seem to have decided I am against her, this is really not the case. She has been out of character today and it has frustrated me. I am not willing to be lied about because she wants to be lazy and is in a bad mood.

very difficult atmosphere and unhappy times for everyone, which was not my fault nor doing. Although she always claimed it was.

I have spent my week off work planning nice things that they will enjoy, it has been a lovely atmosphere- just because you experienced something different doesn’t mean it applies to everyone. She was in the wrong today, several times as she is a child and still learning. Just because her parents don’t live together doesn’t mean she can’t learn this, that would make a world of not very nice people.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 08/04/2021 07:40

Your DP CBA parenting therefore you’re being used and manipulated into the evil stepmother role.

I would say save your emotional energy. Tell DP he is the parent and until some respect can be shown to you you are leaving absolutely all the parenting to him.

‘You chose this step mum role’ haha very funny, OP did not choose to be treated like the hired help.

JamMakingWannaBe · 08/04/2021 07:51

You planned this trip a couple of weeks ago but DH couldn't arrange for his car to have its MOT in that time frame? Convenient! You have a DH problem. I would also have left the gifted toys in the car and binned them if they had not moved for a week.

Original poster

Thisgirlcando · 08/04/2021 09:41

@JamMakingWannaBe to be fair to him he knows it will fail so was waiting for payday!

Everything has been moved and sorted this morning and she seems to be in a better mood. I have just heard him say they need to put away all of the clothes and toys from their cousins and I can hear the girls deciding who is doing each job.

OP posts:

OhSayWhat · 08/04/2021 09:57

She’s being a typical painful 11 year old but that doesn’t mean you or your DP accept it. Sounds like she is in a better mood today, thankfully.

Weirdfan · 08/04/2021 10:15

Glad things are better today OP but I would still be speaking to DP about undermining you when you've asked DC to do something simple and reasonable. The more instances you let slide without saying anything the more of a pattern/habit you will allow to develop, nip it in the bud now and agree between you to always back each other up or you may end up with DC trying to play you off against each other. Perfectly normal for them to push boundaries but making sure those boundaries are clear and consistent in your home will mean everyone knows where they stand, including DC.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2021 10:20

Sounds like they were just over tired ans a bit stroppy. And it sounds like you were too,

I’m fairly impressed with her come back at you that her arms were too tired from tidying the car. Awesome sarcastic fuck you response. 😂

HeartsAndClubs · 08/04/2021 10:38

I wouldn’t put up with that. The “oh but my arms are so tired,” is one thing and I’d just put that down to 11 year old stroppyness. But the lying is out of order and I wouldn’t stand for DP backing a child up who had just told a pack of lies to get her own way. She’s 11, she knows what she’s doing and that lying is wrong.

And the “oh but she didn’t ask for her parents to split up,” is so tiresome. If my child behaved like that towards his dad’s DP I would hit the roof.

As for the “you chose to be a stepmother” is stepmother the only person who can never discipline a child then? If she spoke like that to a teacher at school she would be disciplined. Throw in the lying and the punishment would be more severe. She lives in the OP’s house for much of the time, ergo, the OP doesn’t have to stand for A, her being rude and bratty, and B, her lying. And her DP should back her up but that is beside the point. She needs to know she doesn’t behave like that towards someone else without there being consequences.

And no, I am not a step parent, but I wouldn’t stand for my child treating a step parent like that.

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