Am I sensitive or is this frustrating?

[Thisgirlcando]

Sorry it’s so long - although the rant has made feel better!

We planned a couple of weeks ago that we would visit DPs relatives today with his kids. We got up at 6:30 so we could shower both his kids (both fell asleep early on the sofa last night). I washed and dried both of their hairs which meant I was having to rush to get myself ready- he would have done a crap job and they had asked for it a specific way. He did iron my clothes to help but I still had to rush.

I had to drive because his car is out of MOT until tomorrow, it’s two hours each way - both kids and DP slept for over an hour each way in the car. Had a really nice time with his family.

When we got back DP rushed into the house for the toilet. We had a bag of toys and clothes from the older cousins for the kids which I carried in and various other bits, I couldn’t pick up any more than I had. His youngest daughter (7) without being asked picked up all of the car entertainment toys they had both taken with them to bring back in the house. The oldest (11) got out barefoot leaving everything. I told her to please move her socks, drink and shoes from my car because my hands were full. This was met with the biggest sigh and her moaning it was all too heavy and she would be leaving her socks - I told her she would have to come back for her socks then. She had ran around the garden in them all day so I didn’t want them left in my car stinking! DP asked her what was wrong and she said SHES making me clean her car so I responded by saying no, I asked you to move your mess. DP said to me she must be tired just leave her, I will get her bits later - it’s 4 hours on and still in the car.

When we got in DP went to the shop and I said I was lying down for 30 mins because I’m exhausted. His eldest came to me and said “I need a drink making” I told her she’s old enough to make her own, she’s made plenty before, I was really tired and she hadn’t used any manners. As soon as DP got home she claimed I told her she couldn’t have a drink because I wanted a nap. I explained what happened and he went and made her one.

After tea I asked her to move her plate to the dishwasher, she does this at her mums and does it at ours maybe 30% of the time. Her response was I don’t know how and my arms are too tired from cleaning the car earlier. DP told her to leave it. When I put mine in the dishwasher he asked me to move hers too and it made me so mad. I just left it and came upstairs. The 7 year old did hers without being asked - she also brought up mine and her Easter eggs and suggested a snuggle and film.

Am I being over the top by feeling frustrated? His youngest is so helpful and well mannered that it’s hard to judge. I’ve never known any other kids so have nothing to compare to. I’ve known these 6 years.

@Bluntness100

Sounds like they were just over tired ans a bit stroppy. And it sounds like you were too,

I’m fairly impressed with her come back at you that her arms were too tired from tidying the car. Awesome sarcastic fuck you response. 😂

Yes, an "awesome sarcastic fuck you response" is just what we want from children when asked to do something perfectly reasonable. Will serve her great in life.

Yes, an "awesome sarcastic fuck you response" is just what we want from children when asked to do something perfectly reasonable. Will serve her great in life

Actually it will. Sure she should have done it this time but having a set of balls and answering back is what all women should be brought up taught to do.

He sounds like yet another lazy parent. You did nothing wrong.

Sure she should have done it this time but having a set of balls and answering back is what all women should be brought up taught to do
And what should we teach boys? To out up and shut up? I raise my kids to be confident and assertive when appropriate, not to answer back having a set of balls. Sexist and inciting trouble making.

That would annoy me too. DC or DSC - your DP should have supported you.
On the other hand, if she's not usually like this, I'd suggest you're all a bit tired and grumpy.
At 11 she should be showering by herself though and getting her own drinks. Glass of water requires zero supervision.
Don't enable your partner or the kids to be lazy. You're making work for yourself.

@dontdisturbmenow

Sure she should have done it this time but having a set of balls and answering back is what all women should be brought up taught to do And what should we teach boys? To out up and shut up? I raise my kids to be confident and assertive when appropriate, not to answer back having a set of balls. Sexist and inciting trouble making.

Well then we parent differently. I taught my daughter to stand up for herself, and don’t get me wrong, I would deal with it, but I wanted a daughter who didn’t think it was her role to do what she was told, but to react when it was something she didn’t wish to snd she was dealing with someone being a bit of a stroppy arse.

And it should be the same for boys, why would it be th opposite? If her step son had said it, I’d have said the same thing.

Well then we parent differently. I taught my daughter to stand up for herself, and don’t get me wrong, I would deal with it, but I wanted a daughter who didn’t think it was her role to do what she was told, but to react when it was something she didn’t wish to snd she was dealing with someone being a bit of a stroppy arse.

But she wasn't dealing with someone being a bit of a stroppy arse. She was dealing with someone asking her to do something perfectly reasonable, and her response was incredibly rude. It's not all that surprising that someone with the username "Bluntness" doesn't see the difference but the behavior she exhibited here was not positive on any level. Life includes lots of things we don't want to do, responding like this will fast leave her in a social ditch.

dealing with someone being a bit of a stroppy arse

Do you act as a slave to your children then? I was not being stroppy telling her to move her mess, fair enough if my hands were empty but I had the rest of her belongings in my hands.

I wanted a daughter who didn’t think it was her role to do what she was told, but to react when it was something she didn’t wish to

This is ridiculous, fair enough in other circumstances you want her to be able to say no. However by her not wanting to make her own drink that shouldn’t take away my ability to say no. I don’t want to move her plates after meal times, I don’t really want to clean my own either so it is fair to all move our own. There is a very big difference between teaching girls they have the right to say no and teaching a child they can get away with any behaviour they wish to the detriment of others.

She lied about me to DP several times, would you allow your child to do this? There have been some very big instances with her Mum in the past making up lies about me and convincing the girls to go along with them to other people so this is something both myself and DP are very conscious of.

I suspect you were being a bit stroppy op to be honest. Your whole op sounds like you were tired, pissed off and frustrated. That you all were.

@Bluntness100

I suspect you were being a bit stroppy op to be honest. Your whole op sounds like you were tired, pissed off and frustrated. That you all were.

It doesn't matter if OP was stroppy, saying no to getting up to get her a drink and asking her to get her dirty things out of the car are absolutely not unreasonable comments and in no way warrant her rude response.

I think it sounds like a typical 11 year old girl tbf so I'd try not to take that too personal.

Your DP is the problem. His DDs behaviour is unacceptable and it sounds like he walks on eggshells and gives her her own way to avoid confrontation. Typical Disney dad behaviour!! It'll
Only get worse if he keeps it up.

My DD would behave like this occasionally to see how far she can push it and the only solution is to show her it's not acceptable.
Kids need boundaries.

HE should've pulled her up and sent her back to the car to get her own socks. HE should've told her to get her own drink. HE should have told her to put her plate in dishwasher before leaving table. HE should've pulled her up for speaking to you/about you in a disrespectful way.

I wouldn't blame her for any of this, it's normal 11 year old behaviour. The issue is how he response to it!

What did their last slave die of?! I would take a major step back from running around tidying, cleaning, organising etc

@Bluntness100 If you read my post you will see I had a really nice day. For the last 20 minutes of the car journey I had been singing with the youngest - the oldest had been watching videos with headphones in.
When we pulled up I picked everything up that I could from the boot and said “well done superstar” to the youngest and then said “oh just grab your shoes and drink for me, don’t forget your socks or they will run off” to the oldest. This isn’t stroppy, this is how I would normally speak. I had no reason to be frustrated or pissed of at this point. I then got a response that wasn’t ok so I dealt with it, this doesn’t make me stroppy either.

Later when I said I was going for a lie down I said I’m going for 30 minutes, does anyone need anything before I go up? The eldest asked for 3 steaks and a new bike and I joked if it was in my pocket she could have it and gave her pocket fluff instead. Again, not stroppy and she laughed.

When it came to moving her plate I was annoyed, she’s more than capable of it and I didn’t like that she was trying to blame me because she didn’t want to do something. As soon as I was annoyed I left the room, I think this is perfectly acceptable.

The real problem is your lazy DP. What EL said. So many of these men with kids find another woman to take over their parenting during contact.

DP isn’t lazy, he does the majority of things for the girls. Far more than he should at times. As we live together it just makes sense that there will be jobs I do. He asked me to move the plate because he was doing something else (I think he was wiping the oven) if he hadn’t been he would have just moved it.

As soon as he got back from the shop he made her a drink! I was going to go to the shop but he offered because I had done all the driving.

I just get annoyed because his eldest has no independence at our house and it concerns me, she’s starting year 7 next year. I’m a food teacher and you can tell the kids who have had parents do everything for them as they find it stressful - they follow me round asking questions that they don’t need to ask, “miss, what should I do about my hands being dirty?” “Miss, the instruction says use a green chopping board does that mean I should use a green one?” I don’t want her to be one of those kids, I want her to do really well and enjoy lessons.

I'm annoyed for you just reading this!!
Your DP should back you up more. You're not asking anything that is unreasonable - merely asking her to help clear up her own crap. She's got arms and legs I assume, and at that age absolutely no reason that she's incapable of helping; especially judging by her sisters behaviour.

Worryingly, the way your DP is behaving is just exasperating the issue. What she now sees is if she doesn't do it and complains to dad, he does it for her.

Have a private word with him - by the sounds of it you do an awful lot for those DC and it's not unreasonable to ask for some respect!

Maybe you could point that out? This is an age when kids do need to develop more independence in preparation for high school.

More than he should? He's a father. You're getting annoyed with the wrong person. He's the parent here. He's not backing you up. Honestly, it's why it's almost never a good idea to take up with a man who has kids when you don't yourself. Don't you think you deserve more than a person who doesn't have your back?

I don't think he's necessarily lazy but it sounds like he tip toes around her and walks on egg shells to keep her happy.

See it so often with NRPs who don't want to rock the boat and upset their DCs in base it puts them off contact etc

@TristantheTyrannosaurus I don’t think I phrased the “more than he should” bit well. I completely agree he should be looking after his kids properly! There are times where he will ask what we all fancy for lunch, go to the shops, make something special and then one of the girls will change their mind and he will go back and get something else rather than just telling them no I got what you requested. If I ever look after them and make lunch for example they will just eat what I have given them without questioning and I get the impression they are the same at their Mums. I understand he doesn’t get to see them as much as he wants so wants them to enjoy being here but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

She is acting like an 11yo. In some ways it’s like having a 4yo. She can feel the shifting expectations. The coming opening up of privileges but also the additional responsibilities. Like all kids she wants one without the other.

And like in many threads, you really have a DP problem. After he rushes inside he needs to come back and help clean out the car. He needs to be taking primary care of his children. He needs to be enforcing rules. Direct your frustration at the correct person.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here. Sounds a frustrating day.

Also does sound typical 11yr old behaviour though too. The main problem is DP letting her get away with it.

But he probably will because it sounds like probably on a normal day you would step in and do some of the stuff so he doesn’t have to either. That’s what needs to change/stop.

In future if his DD won’t do things or tidy up her mess and he says it’s ok to leave it, make sure HE is the one who does it. Not just on a bad day though, everyday. I have started doing this with my DP and it works wonders.

Such as the plate, when you took yours and he said to bring hers, shout back, I’m cleaning in here can you bring it? Then he’ll have to get up to do it.

My DSC sometimes do this with things they get out, toys, outdoor toys not put away so when I go to go in the outbuilding to get something they are smack in the middle of the floor, previously I used to move them, but now I will shout DP to either move/help me move them. This is mainly because he did this when my DC did the same thinking his DC were perfect at tidying up when actually it was usually me! So I stopped doing that and made sure he had to come and do it when it was his DC too. Low and behold he started moving it when my DC had left it or making his DC come and do it. Probably sounds petty but it’s more of a principle.

Having other people’s kids around can be hard, and I say that as a stepparent but also the partner of a step parent to my own kids. And ultimately they are the responsibility of their parent so make sure he takes that on and doesn’t leave it to you! That way he’ll probably be less reluctant to tackle the parenting issues.

I agree with the others who say that the problem is your DP.
You need to have a serious word with him about backing you up and not undermining you.
Your DSD is just pushing boundaries, which means you and DP as a united front have to push back and inform her what these boundaries are.

And to the poster who said she didn't ask for her parents to split up - that is irrelevant and no excuse for being lazy and telling lies.