SS and DP

[flowers89]

Hi! I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years now. We both have DC - him one and me two. We've decided not to blend and move in together quite just yet but we do spend quite a lot of time together and all the children get on fairly well. One thing that seems to happen a lot (which is making me have some doubts, although that might seem a bit extreme) is that if my partner asks SS to do something and he doesn't want to do it, then he asks to go home. He plays quite a lot of computer when he's at his Dads house and doesn't seem to want to do much else. My partner has seemed to stop trying to get him to do anything else (go to the park, go for a walk, play a board game) as he doesn't want SS to stop coming over or keep asking to go home.

I'm not with DP every time he has his son but I do spend a reasonable amount of time there when he is. I haven't said anything to my DP but I've started to wonder how this would work if we all lived together. Can any one offer any advice? Thank you

I forgot to mention that my SS is 8.

God that isnt healthy. Kids need boundires and his ex needs to tow the line for that to work
Do not move in until its sorted, it will get worse esp with teenagers.

That's not a great sign. It really unhealthy for a child to have that much control over a parent but he has figured out how to manipulate dad into allowing him to do what he wants and as @pleaseaddcaffine said this will only escalate as he gets older and heads into his teens.
Prior to moving in together I would be wanting to sit down and draw up some house rules for all kids involved. If you DP is unwilling to agree to enforce the set of rules ( including things like limiting screen time) then I would be dubious about going forward. My concern would be if the kids are similiar ages then your kids would be expecting to get away with the same sort of thing.

Yeh I’d definitely hold off on the blending family thing. Forever. At 8 years old this boy is already addicted to consoles which we all know causes no end of problems, he’s got his dad wrapped around his little finger. And quite frankly sounds a bit spoilt, rude and unpleasant. You know it’s going to be one rule for his child and another for yours if you move in together, which obviously isn’t going to be fair on your children. And while he may be a great bf, he sounds like he’d be a bit of a shit father figure.

Your DP doesn't realise that not giving his child rules, boundaries and limitations isn't making the child like him more.

His child isn't going to want to stick around with his father when he is older if his father isn't making him interact with him and other people when the child visits him. This is because you can play computer games anywhere so why go to your father's house to do so?

I would have a general talk about how you discipline your children with
him and leave him to it. Then do not move in with him until this issue is solved.

You aren't planning on moving in together at the moment so I would stay out of it.

Urgh previously as a sm my dsd was like this. Not going her way? Asked to go home. We lived too far to pander to this... Your dp need to start being a parent not his mate.

.

"Kids need boundires and his ex needs to tow the line for that to work"

Tow what line - how about they need to co parent sensibly - offensive pig ignorant comment on how co parenting should work. Or should not work in you mind.

What happens when he asks to go home? Does DP take him home or does he concede to whatever it is the child wanted / didnt want to do?
I think you would need to call the bluff on this one but that obviously means DP needs to step up.

@Aimee1987 He concedes to whatever SS did / didn't want to do, every time!

And theres the problem. Of course the child will repeat the behaviour if he instantly gets what he want.
It is at the point of either call the bluff or just say no it's our weekend together were doing x. But that needs to come from dad but from your point of view dont agree to live together untill DSS is no longer able to dangle this threat to get what he wants.

@Aimee1987 Unfortunately this has been going on ever since I've known them both so think it's unlikely to change. I never wanted to blend whilst my kids were young so didn't really see it as an issue as it didn't affect me and mine. However, it seems to be getting worse and I do think it'll affect any planned days out we have together etc.

My Dh came up against this sort of behaviour from his DD for a long time. Its difficult. She would phone her mum if anything didn't go her way and her mum would come straight round and collect her, stand on our doorstep and ring the bell over and over till dsd came out.
Not once did her mum say "no, this is your time at dad's, I'll see you tomorrow as planned". Not once.
I remember one time Dh answered the door and went outside to talk to her mum and dsd was at the window hammering on the window screaming as if she was trapped in a burning building and the mum was hammering on the outside of the window, Dh just gave up and let her go.
It's easy to say "you need to knock that behaviour on the head" but it's not always that easy to do. That was the one and only time Dh really tried and it was awful.
Don't get too involved op, it's not easy to change this behaviour if the other parent is not working with you. Keep your boundaries. I wish I had.

I agree with what the others have said - while ever your partner just gives in to whatever his son wants, he is going to continue to call the shots. Your partner needs to stop being a Disney dad and start setting some boundaries. I wouldn't be agreeing to move in together until behaviours changed - you need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting.

Have your days out when your boyfriend's son is not at his dad's.

You could say to him that you are planning a day out somewhere, would he like to come? Stress that if he does you don't want to have to change plans at the last minute. He can only say, "No'" then you do it on another day.

The problem you have OP is that your DP will always be bribing his son to see him even when the boy is an adult if he's unwilling to deal with the behaviour.

There have been plenty of threads on here illustrating that.

So you need to decide at what point you are fed up of having a partner you can't live with due to his son's behaviour.

Have had this in spades with DSS - when his mum told him off, he'd phone dp who'd pick him up; when dp told him no, he'd phone mum crying to go back to hers. It only stopped when she moved away and DSS came to live with DP full time so he couldn't do this anymore.
Your DSS is behaving how he's been allowed to behave and until your DP stops pandering to it nothing will change I'm afraid.

Quite apart from all the control issues and threats to go home, and what these mean for the future, I would not even consider blending families with someone who let their 8yo play computer games all weekend.

It so, so unhealthy. When I read your first post, I was wondering if he was a teen. When you said he was 8 my heart just sank. It’s really derelict parenting on the part of your OH.

The only chance would be if your DP was willing to listen and bin the console for a while to completely reset expectations. If he’s not then, as others have said, this will simply get worse and worse. Of course you wouldn’t want your children exposed to that and it could make for some huge upsets between you and DP.

@MeridianB Unfortunately my DP also likes gaming so he's more than happy to play lots with him when he has him. It's when he eventually tells SS that's it's time to get off that SS will then get annoyed and say he wants to go home.

Urgh
Double urgh.

Sorry, this is doomed and he’s an appalling parent

End it. You’re wasting your time here

This is fixable. Speak to him, be honest. Then work out a plan. Get advice about age related gaming time etc and stick to it. If he whines to go home take him home, mum will soon get sick of her child free time being ruined and get on board with the plan. You could scare him and share some of the effects that gaming will have on his son but in a subtle way. Like “ did you read that article about.....” “ did you hear about that boy....” etc. My H has put a timer on my sons console so we can keep an eye on it and he’s 15!!! So many wasting their lives on consoles. I find you can never really straight up tell a man about parenting his children. I played mine, I drip fed the idea till he thought it was his. That may sound manipulative but the constant Disney dad shit was doing my head in.

OP ,maybe your planned days out should not involve children very often. As you have no plans to blend or live together, you can concentrate on having adult time most of the time.

If you become more accepting of his parenting style or if he changes in a way that makes you more comfortable then maybe you can think about Involving your children in this relationship.

Every parent has the right to manage their parenting style in the manner that they think best. If he is not asking for parenting tips, I would not offer unsolicited advice. Not everyone welcomes unsolicited critiques of aspects of their life that do not necessarily involve you.

If the subject of living together is raised, that would be the appropriate time to raise your concerns. In the interim, consider treating this as an adult relationship and keep your focus on your adult interactions.

You might plan your visits to his home around the time that his son is not there. That way you are not placed in the position of having to be privy to witnessing the father son interactions that you find to be off-putting.

@Witchymclovely yes it’s fixable.

But it’s not OP’s job to fix her man or his parenting. And the Dad isn’t asking for help. So all that will happen is a drama triangle will emerge.

OP, say nothing. If the subject of blending or moving in comes up, say ‘we are not compatible that way’ and refuse to discuss further unless he shows an active interest in what you mean.

This is where I was, until COVID muddied the waters and DP came to live here for a year (although no merging of finances as I refused). DP has teens, one is nearly 20 and is permanently stuck behaving like an 8yewr old (she has no SN). DP has now moved out again!

It might look like ‘a small issue’ in some ways but it’s a bloody big deal. Giving children this amount of power is a total disaster.

I don’t think helping is fixing. I don’t think ignoring it is a solution either. Op has been with him for four years, surely they should be working as a team. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

I don't know, Witchy. They don't live together, the boy is not with his son all the time. The op and he can spend time together without him - without either of their children and her daughter is young adult.

It all depends what they want out of their relationship but they agreed they wouldn't move in until kids have gone and obviously think a lot of each other.