SS and DP

[flowers89]

Hi! I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years now. We both have DC - him one and me two. We've decided not to blend and move in together quite just yet but we do spend quite a lot of time together and all the children get on fairly well. One thing that seems to happen a lot (which is making me have some doubts, although that might seem a bit extreme) is that if my partner asks SS to do something and he doesn't want to do it, then he asks to go home. He plays quite a lot of computer when he's at his Dads house and doesn't seem to want to do much else. My partner has seemed to stop trying to get him to do anything else (go to the park, go for a walk, play a board game) as he doesn't want SS to stop coming over or keep asking to go home.

I'm not with DP every time he has his son but I do spend a reasonable amount of time there when he is. I haven't said anything to my DP but I've started to wonder how this would work if we all lived together. Can any one offer any advice? Thank you

I meant 'the boy is not with his dad all the time'.

I wouldn't want to interfere with the way he parents his son, especially as we have no plans to move in together quite just yet. So in theory this manipulation-like tactic from SS shouldn't technically bother me but it has started to as it does affect some things I'm involved in.

For example, last weekend DP messages and says do me and mine fancy going for a walk around a lake and to feed the ducks. I agreed, then an hour later I get a message to say that SS has changed his mind and was now refusing to go (mine were disappointed but we still went on our own and had a lovely walk). That's all fair enough but if it affects my DC in any way at all then I'm a bit hang on a minute...

At his age I don't think I'd want to be going out much with my parents. He's probably happy doing his own thing most of the time. However, as has been previously said, you can mainly see your boyfriend at times when his son is not with him.

@jessstan2 he's eight years old I think? I would have taken her views into account wherever possible, but pretty much let DD know what we were doing at that age. She certainly entertained herself a lot but I wouldn't have left her alone and gone out.

He's 8 but seems to act a bit younger. He won't entertain himself at all, needs my DP to be doing things with him constantly.

The way he parents is a massive reflection of the man, and his reflection is not attractive. I would stop wasting my time with this one.

[quote HuntingoftheSnark]@jessstan2 he's eight years old I think? I would have taken her views into account wherever possible, but pretty much let DD know what we were doing at that age. She certainly entertained herself a lot but I wouldn't have left her alone and gone out.[/quote]
I thought he was fourteen! I'll have to go back and read the op's posts again, maybe I am getting this missed up with a different thread.

Yes he is eight, I am so sorry .

If after agreeing the walking plan one of yours said no he’d rather watch a film and you agreed he could, so you cancelled on your DP and his son what would DP have thought about it?

I couldn’t live like this. I’m sure he’s got many great qualities but I couldn’t respect someone who was such a crap parent and I couldn’t be attracted to someone I couldn’t respect.

Does his son have any friends? Would his dad let him decide not to go to a birthday party at short notice if he suddenly fancies gaming instead?

@Witchymclovely
Even after 4 years, the OP's partner has not asked her to join his parenting team. That is team mom and dad. Without being asked for help in that respect, it would be rude and presumptuous for the OP to involve herself in the father child relationship.

If the dad is not concerned about the manner in which he Interacts with his child and OP is expected to have only an occasional visiting status, she really should stay out of that aspect of her partner's life.

People who neither marry nor live together are making clear statements about their need to retain autonomy and separation of certain aspects of their life.

OP, your story about the walk around the lake further exemplifies .my point about not needing to involve your children in this relationship. He may be a lovely adult partner and just not a good blending partner.

You may want and need adult companionship . Neither your children nor his child need any involvement in your adult relationships if the time comes that living together becomes a serious and immediate subject, that would be the appropriate time to address those issues.

@flowers89

I wouldn't want to interfere with the way he parents his son, especially as we have no plans to move in together quite just yet. So in theory this manipulation-like tactic from SS shouldn't technically bother me but it has started to as it does affect some things I'm involved in.

For example, last weekend DP messages and says do me and mine fancy going for a walk around a lake and to feed the ducks. I agreed, then an hour later I get a message to say that SS has changed his mind and was now refusing to go (mine were disappointed but we still went on our own and had a lovely walk). That's all fair enough but if it affects my DC in any way at all then I'm a bit hang on a minute...

This is where the problem lies - once it starts affecting you and yours. If DSS refuses to come along to pre-arranged activities it will impact on relationships. My DSS did this on many occasions, even things that were pre booked and pre paid for. He tried it once with a holiday we'd booked - he was involved in choosing destination yet 2 days before was kicking up all sorts of merry hell saying he didn't want to go. (This was the point DP finally realised continually giving in to DSS was actually not in anyone's interests) What would your DP do in that situation? What would your DP expect you to do? As you say, it's not for you to interfere with his parenting choices but when it impacts on you and yours, I think you are entitled to discuss it with him so you can make informed decisions for future plans.

Does this happen when you're all out somewhere together? Meaning you all go home? If so, then I wouldn't allow my own kids to miss out on the fun. I'd leave him to take his child home.

The other thing that came to mind is, it's all well and good him asking him to do something, but if it's so far from what he's interested in he probably won't be keen....and if he's going to start whinging...he might as well go home.

Nothing more annoying than a whinging kid. It just ruins the time for everyone.

We kind of had this with my SD (6), she went through a phase of coming to ours and then a day later crying to go back to mummy's house and it happened for a good few weeks (we have them 50/50) in the end my DP rang his ex, she came and picked her up. We basically called her bluff and I kid you not she got back to her mums and was on the phone to DP hysterically crying she wanted to come back. We both said no we'll see you next time. We haven't had anything like it since.

Your SS needs to stop calling the shots and your DP needs to stand his ground. Your SS can't go home without your DP taking him or speaking to his ex.

My DP has the whinging child with all the power thing. She turns 20 soon and I am fading her out of my life and have no need to see her any more. We are talking major league dysfunction (ie she may never take any steps to be independent or accountable in any area of her life).

Your DP doesn’t necessarily sound in the same league, but it does show really the palette of options for ‘dealing with’ this stuff is limited. I would start to fade out the idea of blending ‘in the future’ and start to get very comfy with the idea of never doing it. And if he suddenly wants to look at this area of his parenting, or if dss suddenly spontaneously matures quite considerably, you could have a rethink.

@jessstan2

You aren't planning on moving in together at the moment so I would stay out of it.

I disagree with this for a few reasons. Boundaries need to be in place for kids to thrive and mature, if not he will go into adulthood with a sense of entitlement that will manifest as horrible attitude problem. If the boundaries are not put in place now then they will only be perceived as being the OP's doing should they blend families. The OPs children will quick get resentful of there being different rules for SS to their own so better to have a universal set of 'rules' now when the families are together

I honestly wouldn’t have lasted a month with this dynamic let alone 4 years!

How can you stand this terrible parenting?

I’d have zero respect for either of them

I’d end the relationship but in the meantime it would be adult dates only, or him over without SS.