Strange thought

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm struggling at the moment. Dp and I had a row and I realised my life would be easier without him simply due to the complexities of step parenting. Is this a common theme?
I would financially be better off, my ds would have more space as he wouldn't have the single room but a big double room in the house I soley pay for, my bills would be about the same all in all. Shopping would be cheaper. Less washing, less stress due to exw, school runs, uniform, holidays for 2 not 6 etc etc
Obviously it would be worse for my son without his dad and I'd be alone but it just struck me as strange, I've never been in a relationship which such big positives to everyday life if the worst happened.
Is this a normal feature of being in this situation?

Yep although morality wrong.
But for those people they don't loose 2/3 of the work when they split as there still their kids and they have that, plus they may lose financial input. For step parents where the partner doesn't step up they do loose work, as don't have more children to care for wash feed etc and often gain financially if they separate as they are not paying for stuff for these extra people.
That's the point and i thought it was unusual.

The real key to not losing ground in a separation is to try to marry or partner with an equal in every respect: emotionally, financially, etc.

When you do not need or are not dependent upon your partner and are together solely because you choose to be,
then I think that separation while leaving you sad has little negative impact on your day to day existence.

You sound like an independent and self sufficient person in your own right. A partner should add to your enjoyment of life and not diminish the enjoyment and pleasure that you experience in your day to day life.

A partner should not need financial support. If you find someone who is incapable of adequately supporting themself, you have found a dependent rather than an equal. If you need someone to support you than you are offering them a dependent rather than an adequately prepared adult. If the only thing that they need from you and are prepared to give to you is a partner who can give and accept companionship and mutually shared responsibility then I think that you have found an equal.

Separating from a dependent adult is rarely a backward step. Dependency is an acceptable and understandable trait in a child, but it is a totally off- putting characteristic in an adult.

A partner should not need financial support.
Woah. Bit strong TOT. Support comes in other forms than financial. Doing all the domestic, the emotional labour, DIY, packing up and organizing the family house moves etc - this doesn't count for anything?

If an adult can only provide in- kind services when you meet or engage inde7
them , how in the world are they capable of being an

a self sufficient and self-supporting adult? The tasks that spaceship to mars lists are things that most working adults who live alone manage to do and yet still work.

things that most working adults who live alone manage to do and yet still work.

Yes. Live ALONE. So they only do those things for themselves. TOT, I'm beginning to wonder if you've ever done family life?

It sounds like it would be better for you and your ds if you split.

@spA

@SpaceshiptoMars
Many of the women who do not live with partners do have children , work full time and manage households.

I would be terrified as a parent to think that if something were to happen to me that my children's father's contribution to their support would be his domestic skills and his ability manage a. household move. That would not go very far in paying a mortgage, putting food on the table, purchasing clothing or paying their school tuition.

I expect if something were to happen to me that he would provide a life style consistent with a good quality of life and to provide them with a good education.

Many single women parents provide all of these things while at the same time working a full time job. Many women in a 2 parent households work full-time and manage a household. These things happen on a daily basis is households worldwide.

Given the high divorce rates and the numbers of unmarried women who have children, women should be particularly well prepared to provide not only domestic support but adequate financial support for their children.

I think partly the point about women adjusting when DC come along and men not is true of many relationships without step-children; but it is exacerbated in a situation where the woman is looking after and paying for the step-DC as well as her own and the dad is not stepping up.
So if you separate Pleaseaddcaffine you only have yourself and your DC to worry about, not DP and DSC as well. As you are self-sufficient and already doing most of the work of childcare and looking after the house etc, it is natural to question whether you would be better off alone. In fact, it would be madness not to.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@SpaceshiptoMars
Many of the women who do not live with partners do have children , work full time and manage households.

I would be terrified as a parent to think that if something were to happen to me that my children's father's contribution to their support would be his domestic skills and his ability manage a. household move. That would not go very far in paying a mortgage, putting food on the table, purchasing clothing or paying their school tuition.

I expect if something were to happen to me that he would provide a life style consistent with a good quality of life and to provide them with a good education.

Many single women parents provide all of these things while at the same time working a full time job. Many women in a 2 parent households work full-time and manage a household. These things happen on a daily basis is households worldwide.

Given the high divorce rates and the numbers of unmarried women who have children, women should be particularly well prepared to provide not only domestic support but adequate financial support for their children.[/quote]
@Tiredoftattler
I would be terrified as a parent to think that if something were to happen to me that my children's father's contribution to their support would be his domestic skills and his ability manage a. household move. That would not go very far in paying a mortgage, putting food on the table, purchasing clothing or paying their school tuition.

I agree, but nothing stays the same for long - jobs vanish, parents need your care, children die, you get sick. For me, demanding that my husband remains ever able, in all circumstances, is not facing reality. I dealt with these fears by taking out insurance and having pension plans. Over a very long marriage we swapped roles time after time as our circumstances changed.

Many single women parents provide all of these things while at the same time working a full time job. Many women in a 2 parent households work full-time and manage a household. These things happen on a daily basis is households worldwide.
And they will tell you how hard that is, and how they would prefer it otherwise.

I am a single parent and have been for many years. It is not harder than having someone who should be pulling their weight and is not. It presumably is harder than an equal relationship where both parents pull together and support each other.

@SpacE

I think this must be fairly common, and a feature of many relationships where one partner has children from a previous relationship. Having your partner's children in your home a lot of the time will undoubtedly impact on the resources that are available, unless all of the following apply:

your partner is the higher earner and pays fully for all additional child related expenses without it impacting on their ability to contribute to the household

is able to afford the additional housing costs for a bigger family so that everyone can have a nice sized room

has a fully flexible job to take the full brunt of practical / childcare arrangements related to their children

takes on all the extra housework/cooking etc that additional children bring

is able to meet their children's emotional needs and deal with their problems, without any input from you

Which is as rare as rocking horse shit, surely? I know here we are talking from the perspective of the SM, but there are an awful lot of SDs out there who I imagine e.g. are paying for the bigger house etc for their DSCs.

I'm the higher earner here, and have the most flexible job, and do, for example, pretty much all the washing and cooking (DH pulls his weight in other areas) so if for any reason SDC had to come and live here, financially and practically it would definitely impact me negatively, even if DH tried his best to mitigate that. I guess that's the choice you have though - do I stay with this person and accept all the 'stuff' that comes with them and their children, or do I opt out.

Thanks that's helpful and very true