Strange thought

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm struggling at the moment. Dp and I had a row and I realised my life would be easier without him simply due to the complexities of step parenting. Is this a common theme?
I would financially be better off, my ds would have more space as he wouldn't have the single room but a big double room in the house I soley pay for, my bills would be about the same all in all. Shopping would be cheaper. Less washing, less stress due to exw, school runs, uniform, holidays for 2 not 6 etc etc
Obviously it would be worse for my son without his dad and I'd be alone but it just struck me as strange, I've never been in a relationship which such big positives to everyday life if the worst happened.
Is this a normal feature of being in this situation?

It is a very common theme.
It sounds like it is not making you happy, feeling disgruntled giving more to his first family, & all the effort required ....
It will continue for the next 10 years at least.
Is this what you want ?

Do you love him? He sounds rather a taker. How long have you been living together and where was he before?

Sounds like you need to address the balance of chores in the house for starters

Then you might want to look at a bigger house that your dp contributes to? Sounds like you're taking all the financial responsibilities whilst he pays for a few bills. I understand that as you don't want him to have a claim on your house but it sounds like he, and his dc get the better end of the deal

Sounds like while nothing catastrophic has happened, the trickle of annoyances are beginning to snowball.
And life after this relationship actually looks pretty good.

I think you'd be better off on your own, he's got a very good deal.

I think you have seen the light.

The stress of the ex poking her nose in, the fact that dp does pretty much fuck all to help with the enormous amount of work that 3 kids brings and the fact that all he does is fanny about with washing up and chipping in for bills

Honestly, you will be immeasurably happier without him.

If you leave him, he’ll have his kids and your dp EOW etc and you won’t have to deal with his!

You don’t have to live like this. And he’s not going to change.

I suspect the feeling is mostly resentment. You’re doing the bulk of the house related chores, contribute most financially and are bearing the stress. He gets to house his children comfortably and benefits from your money. I think you’ve focused on the tangible aspects, eg, your son in the smaller room in a house you own when in fact it’s the bubbling resentment for all the other issues really that’s the crux of it.

I’d be seriously reassessing your relationship because it doesn’t seem like he brings much to the table.

Agree with everyone else. What are you getting out of this?

Also why does your son have the small room in the house he lives in full time when your DSC are barely there? So a big room sits empty for the majority of the time and he's in the single? I'd change that right away. Surely your DS has more stuff?

I loved being divorced as I got time off that I'd never had when married.

I now have 2 DSC 50:50 and they are extra work. They are now teens. A lot of it is trying to ingrain better habits like washing, changing their sheets, emptying bins. Their mums hygiene levels leave a lot to be desired. I'm determined that by 18, all 4 kids will be competent adults. My 2 are slightly older.

I've also not had so little money as I do now. DH had always had savings but no longer. Holidays for 6. Car hire for 6 is 10x the price. Bigger car. Longer commute. Driving lessons.

When we met I lived in a 5 bed house mortgage free. Now I have another 3 mortgages as I invested in 2 properties and bought half of his house when I sold mine.

We moved into and totally renovated his house. It's lovely but.....

I know why we are always skint by the end of the year and COVID has made it really hard. This year I'm not sure how I'll make it work.

Thanks everyone.
Looked at a bigger house but dp couldn't pay have the mortgage even with my large deposit if I sold this one. 4 beds round here are not cheap and are rare.

Maybe he’s a dead weight?

Maybe it's a post divorce thing? I'm previously divorced and I have zero concerns about living alone again.
@Pleaseaddcaffine I totally get this. I was devastated with a capital D when my marriage broke down and initially I thought I would never get over it but I did. While it taught me independence (I was always independent but believed in the power of two iykwim) it also taught me realism, & so subsequent relationships became both less 'romantic' & easier to end as I know longer had my 'always & forever' & The One blinkers on.
It is an usual feeling - letting the practicalities 'dictate' the possible ending of a relationship - & I found it a little sad to be honest. I sort of feel now that I will always be better off alone as I've not really met any man (inc. my exh) who was actually worth it. I know that probably says more about me & my choices than then men themselves but I feel I have ended up caretaking (financially & emotionally) any relationship I've ever been in even when that was never my intention.
I said on another thread here recently that with exdp I ended up managing our entire relationship while he worked crazy hours to support his exw & dc & spend time with his dc. He worked away a lot and by the end of our relationship if I saw him one day out of 7 I was doing well.
I miss him but life is so much easier without him & the drama of his situation & yes my finances suffered when I was with him which is a major issue.
I just think that old adage that love is not enough becomes very true post divorce or a major split as you really do see the world through a different lens.

I think actually the crux is that dp adjusted anything hasn't for the family unit, which is hard if you have a lot.

Not sure if that made sense

Yeah, that didn’t make sense! Can you rephrase that?

Sorry. I adjusted my life but he hasn't adjusted his to accommodate our new family. The baby now toddler brought changes and I ahve changed, work hours, home life, free time etc to accomadate our child and his others. He has changed nothing.
This is possible the crux of issue.is what I meant

Magda72 that's it isn't it. I have no rose tinted glasses now and also I will protect my child as well as myself.
Getting older sucks lol

Why do you pay for their school uniforms? My ex's wife does not pay for anything for my kids, gosh @Pleaseaddcaffine I am not surprised your fed up!!

Hi OP,

Myself and DH had a row (I can't remember what it was about now) at the beginning of this year and I had a strange feeling possibly similar to what you've described - I wished we could break up without any resistance from him.

In fact I was thinking how wonderful it would be if he developed feelings for somebody else and wanted to go. I could live on my own, I'd have my time with DC and time without. I wouldn't have to navigate DSC or ExW or his extended family. I would never want to start a new relationship.

The practicalities really appealed. The feeling passed quickly and I realised I was very unhappy and trying to escape that (recently lost a parent). I'm a bit shook now of how keenly i felt it and how I don't feel like that at all now. If I could have found a way I would have and it wasn't his fault.

I'm not saying that's the case in your situation but it might be. How has the year been for you? It's normal to long for change when things are rubbish.

I don't think gaining a bigger bedroom etc is cause to split up a family and it sounds like you've looked into getting a bigger house. It's not his fault you're the higher earner.

However you feeling like you're carrying all the load is a different matter and needs attention before the resentment ruins the relationship.

Do you love him? How are things with you and DSC? If these are positives then would you give counselling a go?

Wow. I hate to say 'he saw you coming' - and I'm sure it's really not at all as simple as that. But...!

If you looked at this with a very jaded eye you could easily see - a very typically slightly entitled and lazy man who finds himself suddenly genuinely solely responsible for his children both financially and practically post divorce. He doesn't like this at all... and so promptly finds a nicely solvent replacement model, cements his position by having a child with her and creating said family unit, then sits back and lets her take on the lion's share of both the mental and physical load for HIS kids as well as their joint one. With this guy... he isn't even bringing in much cash, so the freeloading is also financial. I can't believe you're taking responsibility for his childrens' school uniforms. Omg.

So that's the very cynical viewpoint. But what's there to disprove it? Even if the situation that's developed is unintentional, the fact that this is how it is - you paying, you cleaning, you running around - has corroded things. Which is not surprising- a woman would have to be a real doormat to close her eyes to the cheekiness of this situation for long. Your eyes are open, and you're not here saying, but I love him, but he really supports me, but he genuinely puts me first and takes so much of the stress on his shoulders... because he doesn't.

(Needless to say if this was his plan all along that's a whole other level of parasite - I guess only you have your inklings on that).

The thing is, you aren't going to be able to choose to continue to put your own child second, throughout his childhood, to bankroll and shove up for this taker and HIS children. Smaller room. Less money. A bunch of bigger half-siblings and all that comes along with that. A more stressed mum. Less time less money less peace.

You resent your DP for this now and you bloody should - he's taking you for a mug, even if only because he's lazy and selfish.

I would split, absolutely, in your case - especially as on top of everything else, it's your home, you have your security, you just don't need to keep doing this. And you won't stop resenting him now - it'll just snowball.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Ds is dp son. I am the step parent but not married, but there isn't a term for that so step parent is easiest.

And please never do marry him!

No plans to marry

Here’s a thought:

Having a baby with a bloke, finding that their life doesn’t really change while yours totally changes.... well... isn’t that exactly what women find across the world? I don’t think that’s a step family phenomenon, more of a having a baby phenomenon

But it should change for both parties is the point. I think women across the world would agree on that

It should but from my life experience 95% of the time it does not.

This might sound very cold. But I lived with DH before getting married purely because I wanted to see what he’d bring to the relationship.

I’ve also been previously divorced. And didn’t want to go through that shit again losing my hard earned assets to a leech.

DH is only DH because he puts in a lot to our home and relationship and the thought of being without him feels like a physical pain.

If he was a dead weight in my relationship I wouldn’t have progressed it.

Life’s too short to be working your arse off to keep a useless man in the lifestyle he’d like to become accustomed to at the cost of your sanity.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

But it should change for both parties is the point. I think women across the world would agree on that

Yes, but then there’s the real world. Where the woman does the grunt work/child care and compresses her work hours and keeps the show on the road.

Same pretty much everywhere. I don’t know anyone with a truly equal split of the work/mental load.

Women are equally responsible for it. Make adjustments if you need but to me this is not a step parenting phenomenon. It’s a parenting/family life one.