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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Strange thought

65 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:16

I'm struggling at the moment. Dp and I had a row and I realised my life would be easier without him simply due to the complexities of step parenting. Is this a common theme?
I would financially be better off, my ds would have more space as he wouldn't have the single room but a big double room in the house I soley pay for, my bills would be about the same all in all. Shopping would be cheaper. Less washing, less stress due to exw, school runs, uniform, holidays for 2 not 6 etc etc
Obviously it would be worse for my son without his dad and I'd be alone but it just struck me as strange, I've never been in a relationship which such big positives to everyday life if the worst happened.
Is this a normal feature of being in this situation?

OP posts:

Whocares2021 · 26/03/2021 07:20

Leaving an unhappy relationship isn’t ‘the worst’ there are usually a lot of benefits for those who are unhappy.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 07:22

It appears you need and want to end this relationship. It's ok to admit this isn't working. Why are you the only one paying for the home?

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:26

Just seemed usual for their to be practical postives to a potential break up.
I know it's no the worst. It was poorly phrased.

Because it's my house and I own it. I am also higher earner.

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 26/03/2021 07:26

I think exactly this when DH and I are at odds. I think it’s a good thing. I stay because I love him and I love who we are as a couple and a family probably upwards of 95% of the time. I don’t stay because I’m scared of my life falling apart without him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/03/2021 07:28

Your son wouldn’t be without his dad, he’d still see him.

I think how you feel makes complete sense.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:32

That's good and I'm glad it's not unusual.

Maybe it's a post divorce thing? I'm previously divorced and I have zero concerns about living alone again.

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 26/03/2021 07:32

Your ds would get quality time with his Dad if you split up, just not the day to day 'life' stuff you get if you live with someone.

It's an awful situation to be in, if you live your dp, but ultimately you know your life would be better and easier without him.

Does he pull his weight around the house, child rearing and life work?

Why is your dc in the smaller room, how often do your sc stay with you? I'd say the child who stays there the most should get the larger room. What are the dynamics

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:39

There are 3 dsc so they have to have the big room. The single can't take bunk beds.
Dsc here half school holds eow and 1 night in week - pretty standard.
The pulling his weight bit is hard, he'd say yes but I'd say no. I work full time and study. I have ds all day at weends and two half days in week as do compressed hours. He goes to childcare x2 days and dp has him 1 day but often books him in extra childcare.
Dp will do washing up and bins etc but doesn't clean eg no hoovering, dusting, beaching, moping, and no DIY. I do that and the gardening.

OP posts:

GreenBalaclava · 26/03/2021 07:39

I guess there are also quite a few people who are in this situation without the step kids issue? They would be financially better off and their life would be practically / logistically easier if they split with their partner. The only reason to stay is that they want to.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:39

Sorry for all the typos!!

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 26/03/2021 07:40

If he brings nothing to the relationship or enhances your family life in any way, other than physically being present, and you don't love him...then you should consider wht you stay with him. And who is the step parent here...do you mean it would be worse for your son without his stepfather? I believe an unhappy relationship betw parents is not a good environment for kids either. Of course there are degrees of unhappiness & up to you (and DP) if your relationship is salvageable or time to call it a day. If it is just a silly row, then maybe you are being overly dramatic. But if it is an accummulation of rows & grievances...well then, it is up to you to weigh up the pros & cons.

SionnachGlic · 26/03/2021 07:40

*why....

Youseethethingis · 26/03/2021 07:41

First time marriage for both of us. I suspect it’s maybe a financial independence thing.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:41

Yeah that very true ref non step families. I think the dsc add a level of disruption or stress. They are nice kids and they really are but it's another level which isn't their fault but exists.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 07:41

For fuck's sake, you have a manchild on your hands. You would be so much better off without him. Raise your standards and get rid.

MeridianB · 26/03/2021 07:41

Sounds hard going, OP.

Why does your son currently have a smaller room? What’s the DSC dynamic?

Does your DP not contribute financially at all? Or help with housework?

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:42

Ds is dp son. I am the step parent but not married, but there isn't a term for that so step parent is easiest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:43

MeridianB.. Just the fact we are in a 3 bed and the single can't take bunk beds really would be very very tight.
He's a non sleeping toddler so sharing wouldn't work

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:45

Dp contributes to Bills only, but these are higher due to dsc and him working at home plus obviously childcare bills which we won't have come September

OP posts:

GreggsScaryTeeth · 26/03/2021 07:45

So DP pays nothing?

ThatOtherPoster · 26/03/2021 07:45

What was the row about?

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 07:56

Normal rows: money, time and general stresses. Covid has been hard on all families.

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 26/03/2021 07:59

OP, you haven't said anything about loving DP that I can see? Should that not be a factor? If you don't love him, if that is gone & will never return...well then is it not inevitable that things will deteriorate & it is just a matter of time to the end? Unless you are one that is prepared to put up & shut up. A toddler doesn't need a bigger room, I wouldn't be thinking of ending things over that. If DP has nothing to recommend him for you or your family, then that is different. Or did you just not quite realise that you would have to consider his kids & adjust your to accommodate them...& now you are in it & don't like it much? I don't know OP...you are not giving much to go on except a row & you sound a bit pissed off....not really death knell stuff. But if it is more than that... have a think & a talk & see if it is mutual or not...

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 08:01

You pay the lion's share of expenses, do the lion's share of the grunt work, which you allow him to get away with, and he gets a free house to live in with kids that aren't yours. He's got quite the life.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 26/03/2021 08:02

The purpose of the post is that the feeling is strange.
I have vastly adjusted my life and its fine most of the time but harder. I think actually the crux is that dp adjusted anything hasn't for the family unit, which is hard if you have a lot.
Not sure if that made sense

OP posts:

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