Happy step parents - how do you do it?

[tellmeagainhowitis]

If you’re a happy step parent, how do you do it?

What makes life easier or even enjoyable?

I’ve been struggling myself lately, we have DSS 50%, and I’m hoping to find positivity and hopefully some wise words to make it that bit better...

Self-care is essential. Your mental health is going to be tested to the max, so get outside and walk if you can. Make sure you eat healthily, because your brain will need to be fed maximum nutrition - you'll need that to help you sleep and come up with lots of creative solutions. If you can find friends to talk to in confidence, that will help too.

Stand up for yourself and don't be a martyr. Not necessarily easy if you're the outsider, but otherwise you go under.

A partner/spouse who has and maintains reasonable boundaries. I think that if you don’t have that, with the best will in the world life will be extremely difficult as a step parent.

Don’t care about things relating to the child(ren) more than your partner does. There’s balance to be had between “my house, I get an equal say” and “are table manners/unmade beds/meticulous homework etc the hill i want to die on”.

Don’t tolerate being second best - whatever that means. Don’t tolerate anything from a partner who’s a parent because they’re a parent that you wouldn’t from a partner wasn’t. Them having kids isn’t doing you a favour and if they want to be with you they owe it to you to invest in the two of you as a unit.

Honestly, I think pick a partner who doesn't expect you to parent his children with a reasonable ex and nice children. I think those are the reasons I'm happy.

Definitely a partner that puts me and our relationship as a priority and makes sure we have our time also.

Doesn't expect me to go above and beyond ( which is probably why I do because I don't resent it)

By taking a deep breath - not rising to the obvious goady teenage behaviour.

Not sweating the small stuff and agreeing house rules at the start and sticking to them.

And on the odd occasion showing you hurt too - I sat on the floor and cried, my mum had died 2 days before, DSCs descended and were just being horrible about lack of food they liked, the mess etc - they were hungry what was for tea - Dad was going to be late traffic etc etc. I said my Mum died am a bit behind and the middle one said - yes well that is not my problem you need to get over it and get me food.
All the kids were shocked - silence reigned, mine hugged me and the others pciked up the mess and made supper forall of us Nothing was said but it was a turning point and the aggro levels dropped massively

I consider myself a happy step parent; one of the big parts of that is that DSD is lovely, fun and enjoyable to spend time with (mostly anyway as she is a normal frustrating child too). What helps is communicating with DH especially when she does things that annoy me, he’s not blind to her faults and will pick her up on things (stuff around the house and taking care with belongings can be a source of tension). If something hasn’t worked then we work out how to do it differently next time.
I’ve also found it much better now that i have very little contact with her mum, I used to be involved in pick ups so saw her a lot but through practicalities I no longer am and that’s given me a lot of peace.
I think that physical distance has also given me a bit more emotional distance from the things her mum does too and I’ve accepted that I can’t change what her mum does and it is very sad how it impacts DSD but I can’t change that either. The only part I can change is how it impacts me and the DC that DH and I now have together. It’s small things like if we have something planned and DSD doesn’t come then we still do it or if weekends are messed around and her mum wants her to come when we’ve got something going on that would make it hard then we don’t cancel our plans.

Keep your own house.

I disagree with my partner’s parenting (he doesn’t do any).
I don’t want to parent his child.
I need my time to myself sometimes.

Equally:
He needs time with his child.
He needs to put his child first.
He needs time to himself.

We live together and get on really well when neither of our kids are with us. When the kids are here, we each take our respective child to our own homes.
We don’t do happy families, although our kids get on to an extent. His has no table manners which really gets on my kid’s nerves. Over the years I realised it’s best to not have family meals and to bite my tongue when his kid plays with food, spits it in my partner’s plate, licks the plate and eats yoghurt with their fingers. He realised it’s best not to be around a sullen teenager, that is monosyllabic and rude, I don’t want him parenting my kid and I don’t appreciate him taking the mickey out of the said teenager.

So we’re really happy.

I think the key thing for me is to stop putting yourself last and expecting them to be grateful for it. I still have days where I’m resentful because I do so much and get no thanks. That’s the problem, they’ve never asked me to do it. My partner has never asked me to do it. So now I put myself first and do what I want to do. I’m talking in terms of delaying going for a run because they needed picking up from somewhere. So now I say I can’t do it and hey presto someone else picks them up. They don’t hate me for not picking them up and I’m. It resentful for not being able to do what I wanted.
Things are different for me than most because their mum died long before I came so I had the added struggle of constantly comparing myself with ‘what would she have done’. It was torture for a few days and completely unnecessary as I put that pressure on myself.
Communication is key and that’s something my DP is not so great at. I feel we could have saved a lot of arguments if he could communicate better and I felt able to talk about my concerns. Instead of feeling unsupported or unsure at times. I should add I don’t have children if my own.

@ultrababy

I think the key thing for me is to stop putting yourself last and expecting them to be grateful for it. I still have days where I’m resentful because I do so much and get no thanks. That’s the problem, they’ve never asked me to do it. My partner has never asked me to do it. So now I put myself first and do what I want to do. I’m talking in terms of delaying going for a run because they needed picking up from somewhere. So now I say I can’t do it and hey presto someone else picks them up. They don’t hate me for not picking them up and I’m. It resentful for not being able to do what I wanted. Things are different for me than most because their mum died long before I came so I had the added struggle of constantly comparing myself with ‘what would she have done’. It was torture for a few days and completely unnecessary as I put that pressure on myself. Communication is key and that’s something my DP is not so great at. I feel we could have saved a lot of arguments if he could communicate better and I felt able to talk about my concerns. Instead of feeling unsupported or unsure at times. I should add I don’t have children if my own.

Torture for a few years not days. I wish.

@KylieKoKo

Honestly, I think pick a partner who doesn't expect you to parent his children with a reasonable ex and nice children. I think those are the reasons I'm happy.

You can't control whether the ex is reasonable or not. However you can ensure you have a partner with boundaries, a partner that parents their children and that you have no contact with the other parent of those children.

@KylieKoKo & @RedMarauder both valid points.
However, ime when exdp tried to establish boundaries with his exw the dc then worked really hard on eroding those boundaries. They were teens by then & honestly, I think they'd watched and observed their dm's way of doing things for so long that when exdp eventually sorted himself out with therapy it was too late. The dc just took up where the exw left off iyswim.
If exdp's boundaries had been better when the dc were younger maybe things would have been different/easier, but he was that classic nrdad who let his exw guilt him over ever minor thing to do with the dc & who just could not see how much he was being played by her & subsequently his dc. It didn't matter what he did for them, how much time he spent with them or how much I got sidelined/chose to step aside - it was NEVER enough for them.
I think what's going on with the ex; her relationship with your dp/dh AND what she is demonstrating to their dc about being respectful in platonic & familial relationships is paramount to how happy a sm/blended family can be.

@bogoffmda

By taking a deep breath - not rising to the obvious goady teenage behaviour.

Not sweating the small stuff and agreeing house rules at the start and sticking to them.

And on the odd occasion showing you hurt too - I sat on the floor and cried, my mum had died 2 days before, DSCs descended and were just being horrible about lack of food they liked, the mess etc - they were hungry what was for tea - Dad was going to be late traffic etc etc. I said my Mum died am a bit behind and the middle one said - yes well that is not my problem you need to get over it and get me food.
All the kids were shocked - silence reigned, mine hugged me and the others pciked up the mess and made supper forall of us Nothing was said but it was a turning point and the aggro levels dropped massively

OMG what a brat, how did you not just throw him out of the house there and then?!

Genuinely I think a lot of the potential for happiness is out of you hands.

Is your husband supportive and realistic? Is he stepping up and actually parenting? Does he recognise that your boundaries are healthy and necessary? Does he allow his ex to interfere and dictate things? Does he allow his children to? Is the rest of his family caught up in the ‘first family’ narrative?

You can help yourself by setting and sticking to boundaries. And practicing plenty of self care. Don’t accept always being last in line; expect the kind of treatment you deserve.

But it’s only possible to be happy if you have a partner who is willing to put in the work to make that a possibility.

Sorry to not start off more positive, but I don't think I could ever be happy with my SCs here 50% of the time. And I have a good relationship with them.

I guess when I think of what could make me feel better in that scenario it would be that I am able to carry on my own life and plans as normal, and their dad handles everything they need so I am not pressured into being around. Obviously that's harder to achieve with the current restrictions though as you've presumably got nowhere else to go.

Also, 50% is a lot so I'd expect that the SCs weren't treated as celebrity guests when they are around. In my situation they are EOW and so the whole time revolves around them, but I absolutely couldn't cope with that if they were with us 50%. Is it like that for you?

Thanks everyone for your replies, it’s really interesting to hear your experiences and reassuring to know it’s not all doom and gloom!

Thankfully we don’t have too much of the red carpet treatment, he spends a lot of his time in his room playing video games is generally quite amenable though does have a stinking attitude at times and I’ve had to learn not to step in to defend his Dad but to have my own boundaries when it comes to how he speaks to me.

50% does feel like an awful lot and I do wish it wasn’t quite so much but I’d never say this, I just find that things are easier when he’s not around.

Boundaries have been another issue - see my thread “is there ever an escape” but I’m hoping these are being put in place.
There used to be excessive contact with the ex, instigated by my partner as much as by her, she thought it was acceptable to say she was going to come to our house and look through DSS room for clothes, she’s moving next door but 1, and she asked DSS to take her to our new house so she could have a look at it.

It can all feel very claustrophobic at times and just a bit much. Things are improving slowly and I’ve stood firm on what I think is acceptable and what isn’t.

It’s not easy is it?!

Jesus, his ex is moving nextdoor-but-one to you? I couldn't cope with that.

Yup. It’s so bad... She made the arrangements then called him and asked if it was ok - not much he could do at that point and I only found out the call.

She’s already in walking distance and thankfully we’re moving in the summer (buying) but already she’s asked DSS to take her to the house without our knowledge, we only found our after the event.

I just really hate it sometimes and keeping hoping it’ll stop...

Also, 50% is a lot so I'd expect that the SCs weren't treated as celebrity guests when they are around. In my situation they are EOW and so the whole time revolves around them, but I absolutely couldn't cope with that if they were with us 50%. Is it like that for you?

I find the celebrity guest EOW (plus one night a week) thing intolerable really. My husband works all week. He arranges his work day to suit his ex and school drop offs. So he starts early and finishes late if it’s just those of us that live here all the time.

If you work FT coming home to celebrity crap every Wednesday is infuriating. And a full half of your weekends are taken up with it. Plus he’s planning stuff to entertain the VIPs on the other weekend. Or fitting in all the exercise and other stuff he won’t be able to do on the other weekends (because I’m so mean and will no longer look after them so he can piss about on a bike). And all the annual leave goes towards rolling out the red carpet. So there seems little point in bothering when you are taken for granted and even your weekends ‘off’ are determined by the Disney dad behaviour.

I think red carpet Disney style fathering is just about impossible to live with.

You can't control whether the ex is reasonable or not. However you can ensure you have a partner with boundaries, a partner that parents their children and that you have no contact with the other parent of those children.

@RedMarauder you can't control his ex but you can control whether or not you enter into or stay in a relationship with someone who has an ex who makes trouble for you.

Life is short and you owe it to yourself to be happy to not tolerate too much bullshit!

@KylieKoKo you can't control when the ex becomes unreasonable.

In my case DP's ex was fine and she didn't want any contact with me. When she found out I was pregnant and started demanding to meet me. Didn't happen.

Im generally happy OP, dhs ex is a complete drama lama. I used to let it get to me, now I don't. I told dh I don't want to hear anything about any good or bad, don't suck me in your drama and when she does interfere I can laugh about it. On his birthday she rang him and sang happy birthday to him, the day before she was shouting at him, its very odd but I've stopped caring and started laughing.

I cant control their dynamics, I cant stop my dh being sucked into the drama, all I can do is remove myself physically and mentally when it happens.

I'm really happy with my husband, my dc and dss. We have a lovely life and I'm learning to let shit go. If its not my problem then its not my business.

I said my Mum died am a bit behind and the middle one said - yes well that is not my problem you need to get over it and get me food.

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. I personally wouldn't lift a finger for thdt child until I received what I considered a genuine apology from them.

If the child was old enough to say that, they were old enough to get their own food, have respect and empathy.

I'm not sure I could stand to look at them after such a comment.

*A partner/spouse who has and maintains reasonable boundaries. I think that if you don’t have that, with the best will in the world life will be extremely difficult as a step parent.

Don’t tolerate being second best - whatever that means. Don’t tolerate anything from a partner who’s a parent because they’re a parent that you wouldn’t from a partner wasn’t. Them having kids isn’t doing you a favour and if they want to be with you they owe it to you to invest in the two of you as a unit.*

All of this. 100%.

I think there's also something on realising that you're not the child's parent. Which means:

You have no obligation to pick up after them and cook for them. If you do then it's your choice and you can make a different one if you're not happy with how things are.

Parenting decisions are made by the parent a not you. Any fallout from these decisions is also the parents problem. Eg, if your dp has decided that his teenage dc don't need to contribute to my household chores then he does them in their place, not you.

If you don't feel like hanging out with kids on their contact time then it's fine for you to go out with your friends

You don't need to arrange activities for them on weekends if your dp is happy for them to spend the day looking at screens.

Also:
His ex can do what she likes, it's your partner's reaction to it that you should watch.

Parenting decisions are made by the parent a not you. Any fallout from these decisions is also the parents problem.

In theory I absolutely agree. The problem comes when there are implications and consequences from those decisions for the rest of the household (or even just you).

For example, if my husband chooses to let his daughter give me dirty looks throughout dinner, it does affect me. Directly. I don’t get to enjoy my meal because he’s too scared to tell a 7 year old off.

Even worse when I have my own children to consider. His decisions about feeding his children have an impact on how and when I can feed my children. And their behaviour is likely to influence the baby. If he lets them run around and scream in the house it wakes him from desperately needed naps. And so on.

The issue is getting HIM to understand that he doesn’t get to just go whatever he likes. He needs to think about the effects on everyone else in the household. He isn’t parenting (if you can call it that) in a vacuum; the other people in the house matter too.

I have to consider everyone in making my parenting decisions. I don’t let my son sit in his room blathering away to his friends as they play videogames online while my husband is trying to work in the next room. Or after my stepson has gone to bed. He has to go downstairs and be quiet and considerate of others.

Sadly the consideration (like too much in this marriage) seems to go mostly one way. And doubly so if it’s about the VIP members of the household. For example, I had a big fight with my husband because he’d (without asking) decided to take a day off work and have his children for an additional day. It would have been fair enough, except that my son was doing online school (live lessons) all day, sitting in the kitchen. All I said was that my husband would need to take his children out somewhere and he was such a dick about it. He genuinely thought that I was unreasonable for just telling my son to sit in his room (and sit on his bed to work) so that his children could watch tv/run around/play videogames in the open plan living room attached to the kitchen. And he should just put up with all the noise upstairs if they wanted to play in their rooms. Because he didn’t want to just take them out somewhere. Nor did he ask me about any of it.

Apparently my son’s school work was just not worthy of consideration at all, because my husband fancied pretending he was having more time with his kids, but was actually going to ignore them while they were here. Sure, it’s ‘just one day’ but it isn’t fair, and it’s representative of the broader pattern of not considering anyone else’s needs, just his own wants. And seeing any compromise on his part as ridiculous.