Happy step parents - how do you do it?

[tellmeagainhowitis]

If you’re a happy step parent, how do you do it?

What makes life easier or even enjoyable?

I’ve been struggling myself lately, we have DSS 50%, and I’m hoping to find positivity and hopefully some wise words to make it that bit better...

@FishyFriday your husband sounds extremely inconsiderate. However it sounds like he is just an inconsiderate man rather than specifically a step-parenting issue.

Is he like this all the time? It sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

@KylieKoKo no. If you take all the weirdness around his other children and his ex away, he’s alright. A bit more selfish than average possibly, but not irredeemably so.

It’s the blended family thing that does tip it over the edge. And I think it is just a more extreme case of what happens for many nonresident fathers. The weird, overly permissive, red carpet treatment thing does have implications for the rest of the household. And too often the NR father is so caught up in the weird psychology of it all that he seems to stop seeing that anyone else has needs and rights and wants because he’s so fixated on the children from a previous relationship and/or the drama with his ex around this.

You see it in so many posts on here. Men who think everyone else should sit in a kind of stasis until his children arrive. Men who think full time resident children should share a box room indefinitely so that they can keep a nice big double bedroom for use 2/14 nights by their children. Men who insist their wives are unreasonable because they chose to visit their elderly mother during contact time, rather than being around to help facilitate the fortnightly festivities for his children. And so on, and so on.

My husband is particularly bad. And his relationship with and attitude to his children (and his ex) is unbelievably screwed up. But it is the case that ‘my kids/my rules/my fallout’ is often only realistic or fair if you live on your own. Otherwise one will need to consider others and compromise accordingly.

I don't think it's inevitable though. My dopisn't like this, I think perhaps because we live close by and the children come often but not always for large blocks of time so it's less of an event if that makes sense?

To be fair, him and his ex co-parent well and are both equal parents which I think helps. Must be hard to feel sidelinesld as the NRP and I can see why someone in that position might try to make up for it.

It isn’t inevitable. No. But it’s common.

And there is no getting away from the fact that people need to think about how their decisions affect everyone. If the fallout is their problem alone, fair enough. But it does often have repercussions for the rest of the household.

I totally agree @FishyFriday. I would not be with dp if I felt that I wasn't considered in his decisions.

Disengaging! That's the only thing that'll truly make you happy!

Tbh, posters here are giving advise, but are they happy? I'm very happy.

The reason is I feel the opposite of this :

Somebody said this: "I think there's also something on realising that you're not the child's parent."

I love my sc. I honestly do. Same as my dc. Am fortunate enough to have a dp who is supportive in my parenting decisions and I am of him. We talk, we have consensus. Obv not always but most of the time!

An advice: don't read step parenting threads in mn. They're extremely depressing.

I don't have personal experience but hopefully your partner was never abusive in any way and so is able to have a reasonable parental relationship with the ex and he can set boundaries. He doesn't expect you to look after his children when he's at work etc so you don't feel like the hired help. If the children are difficult then you work it through together as a united front

@Betbloom I agree. Even threads that start off positive are derailed by the anti-step-mum brigade and angry step mums in the first page!

There must be more like us who have a good experience but I don't think they post very much.

My SC are grown up so they aren’t around like DC. It has been a long road and hasn’t been easy but we’re getting there.

I went on a bike ride yesterday with my SD, it’s the first time we’ve ever done that and we’ve agreed to make it a habit so I feel quite pleased about that.

I would never try and act like their parent because I’m not. It’s not easy OP

I can't say I'm truly happy right now because DH and I are having some issues (not SC related) but in terms of the stepparent relationship I am happy. I never used to be, I really struggled in the early days but things that have helped me are:

Leaving all communication with the ex up to DH. I used to see her when she dropped DSD off. There was clearly tension there and it was awful. I don't see or speak to her any more and that distance really helps. Also not getting involved at all in what's been said between them. If DH wants to discuss it I'm happy to listen but I'm not happy to get dragged into drama or tbh even really offer my opinion unless it directly affects me.

Space - allowing DH and DSD time alone. This is a two fold thing - it gives me time to myself and also allows them to strengthen their bond. In the early days I felt really insecure and felt I had to be around all the time. This negatively affected me (we all need space sometimes) but also negatively affected their bond as they weren't getting enough alone time.

Focusing on the positives. As a childless stepparent, I found this hard. Kids can be annoying and push your boundaries. But they also have lots of positives. Reaffirming the positive in my mind and out loud definitely helps.

Choosing a hill to die on. As an example, I've given up caring if she dumps her clothes in the bottom of her wardrobe instead of folding them. If DH doesn't care then that's up to him. Small things like that are not worth stressing over and I'm not prepared to argue over it when in the grand scheme of things it's trivial and just a case of different approaches rather than anything detrimental.

Recognising DSD is her own person and that the negatives don't always come from Mum. DSD has her own views, thoughts, ways of dealing with things etc and just because they may not be the way I'd deal with them or the way I would think, it doesn't mean it's wrong or that it's solely come from her Mum or that any DC I give birth to would be any different.

Spending time with DSD on my own, making time for her and time to build our personal relationship. I think this was key in focusing more on the positives as it gives me a chance to talk to her, get to know her and just generally build a positive relationship.

Honestly though I think a lot of it depends on the personalities of everyone involved. If you have a high conflict ex, a disney Dad, difficult communication in your relationship etc then all these things make the step parenting role a lot more difficult. It's not easy but it doesn't have to be made harder by those around us.

I think a lot of it is about the partner - mine is a wonderful and involved dad who has the kids 50/50, and doesn't expect me to parent his children. We have them 50/50 and I miss them when they are at their mum's. They are also lovely older siblings to my LO.

Like another poster said, try not to read this forum so much. Every step parenting situation I know in real life is either positive or neutral.

*sibling figures I should say

If I had my time again I wouldn’t try so hard. I wouldn’t have got sucked into problems. It’s 19 years later and I’m 44 now, it’s been a tough learning curve. You don’t have to like your Hs exW and vice versa but you both have to be on the same page. A lovely thread to read

I read a really good booked called 'skirts at war' and I tell you now I feel so much lighter after reading it. A lot of the issues were triggering from my own past experiences so I took it more personally than I should. Now I see my circle of influence. I don't engage with discussions about things in the other house/contact/issues. I am there sometimes with SC other times I have plans and do my own thing/take the dog out/socially distanced walks etc sometimes just treat myself to a film in bed. I have learned the kids come to see dad not me so if I happen to be there then I am and if not they don't miss me from what I can tell!

My DH is brilliant though and listens if something is upsetting me and we communicate really well. If he wasn't like this we wouldn't be together now but he hears me even if we cannot change it and I just need to vent.