Starting over

[justlemonade]

I’m looking for anyone who has gone through with this to tell me their experience.
I’m approaching the end of my fertile days, have separated from my children’s father 4 years ago, and have a strong relationship with my new partner of 3 years. DP would love a child of his own. So far I have been opposed to the idea but now I’m questioning this.
On the negative, I am scared of rocking the boat, things going wrong and me having another child who experiences relationship breakdown.
I also feel a bit old (late 30s), after separating I have now finally got my career, well being and home life sorted. I’m not sure I want to be 50 with a child leaving primary school, when my children would have left home / have finished education.
All that said, a baby together could be a wonderful experience. He is a good man who I love very much and he would be an amazing dad (as he is to my two children now). Am I being selfish by denying this possibility? Will I feel regret and a sense of a missed opportunity to have this experience as a couple?
I feel like I’m running out of time and don’t know how to come to a decision.

It depends how old your existing children are? If they are of secondary school age I honestly wouldn’t do it.

I am only 33 but had my children in my early and mid-twenties. I have only in the last couple of years got my career fully back on track and I’m due to get married early next year.

We toyed with the idea of having a baby together as I’ve never had the lovely family, raising a baby together experience and I’m a bit sad that I never will. Luckily my DP has 2 kids of his own so I don’t feel I’m denying him anything.

BUT even if we split and I met someone with no children I don’t think I could put myself through the potential split of a family again. Having been burnt before I would not want to have a child I could potentially end up only having part custody over, with a different father, and also halting my career again for maternity leave etc.

I also couldn’t imagine having to use most of my salary to pay for nursery fees again when that money could be put to better use for the children I already have.

I mean no offence to anyone that is an older parent, but the thought of still having to do school runs in my late 40s - early 50s actually makes me feel sick. I’ve done it all in my 20s & 30s, I couldn’t imagine wanting to start again just as things are getting easier.

You’re not depriving him of anything if you say you don’t want anymore children, but equally he isn’t wrong if he says it’s a deal breaker for him.

Just think of how you see your life in 10 years... is it with a child (or children) still of primary age who are still very dependent on you? Or do you see yourself enjoying your grown up kids coming to visit you at weekends from university/their own homes, whilst you have the freedom to holiday when you want, eat out when you want and have more disposable income and an advancing career?

I know which one I’d pick.

Sorry I have no words of advice but I'm following with interest as I am in a similar boat. I can completely empathise with your feelings of uncertainty but acknowledge it could be wonderful to do it with someone who would be amazing at it.

It’s a deeply personal choice.

I was in this situation and it was a firm no from me. My exp would have had an ‘our’ baby. Like you however the thought of sleepless nights/ another 11 years of that hard graft of work/ school runs/ holiday childcare/ inset days/ nursery/ etc etc made me think ‘not a chance.’

Like you; my life has gotten easier. No school runs. More ability to focus on work. Great holidays with older children (things I couldn’t do with a baby / toddler in tow). I also realised that having a baby would absorb nearly all of my energy to the detriment of my existing children. Who are at that amazing age of being great company/ fun and I know I’ll blink and they’ll be gone.

Ultimately I decided not to because I love what I already have.

Having a baby should be because you want to and not just for your OH.

If you do consider it, I suggest you discuss how roles, responsibilities and finances will work when you have a baby, as it's the mother who is impacted more.

He wants a baby...is he prepared to be hands on? Bath, feed, do some night feeds on a regular basis and everything else that comes with it. Then as times goes on...childcare...school runs...homework support etc.
A lot of men like the idea of children, but they default to the mum to do the heavy lifting.

Neither me or dh want more dc. I have two 13 and 15 and he has dss 7. I do sometimes get a bit sad that we won't get to share the typical happy family and baby years with dh when I see how much he loves dss. I really don't want to start again in my thirties and neither does dh. We have travelling plans and living abroad in our future. I am sad I won't get to experience having a baby who's parents are together as I was a single/lone parent for a lot of my teens childhoods, dh has said that if I really do want to have a baby we can have one, but I'd much rather be having adventures with him then nappies, school runs and arguments.

It’s a tricky one, as he may decide it’s a deal breaker and end the relationship to find someone who wants DC with him, so as long as you’re prepared for the relationship to end, then it’s 100% your choice. If you want to stay together you’ll need to understand what is driving his desire to have DC and whether you’re prepared to compromise on this to give him the family he wants as well as you having to everything you want.

And I agree with those PP who said he needs to actively want to parent this child, not just leave all the donkey work to you. You probably have a good idea of how much effort he’d actually put in already by how he treats you and your DCs. Similarly you wouldn’t want him to be soooo enamoured with his own that he treats them very differently to yours, as that will cause animosity.

FWIW DP and I didn’t choose to have any together as we have 5 between us. I was a bit sad about that in the early days, but as the DC have got older and we see the freedom at the end of the tunnel, it was the right move for us - but then we both have our own so a different situation.

It's a no villain scenario, but potentially one with no resolution, sadly. For all the reasons mentioned upthread you should hot have a baby if it's not absolutely what you want, especially (being realistic) as a woman, who often end up doing more of the work. However, I do feel it is an enormous sacrifice for your partner in order to be with you, if he does actively want children.

I would be having a conversation about deal breakers and what you both want and can't budge on, and advise him to take some time to really think about whether he wants a child, because it's the sort of thing people often say they can compromise on to avoid having to split, before realising they feel more strongly about it than they thought. It might be that the fairest solution is to seperate.

I had a baby at 45 and haven't struggled yet. He's 12 now and it's been easy but I accept I've been very lucky. BUT he is my first and only child which is a bit different.

Only you can decide if you are fit and healthy enough to keep up with a child until you are 57. And whether you want to.

Try looking at it from his side. Have you thought how you would have felt if your ex had refused to have children with you? Does that make a difference to how you feel?

Does he earn enough that you wouldn't have to work into your 50s if you chose not to?

I had a baby with my new partner when I was 40, it felt like the right thing to do, despite my own children being teenagers. Have never regretted it. It brought us closer together as a family.

BUT he is my first and only child which is a bit different
This is the crux of it.
Imagine you’d already done it all before, got to the point where life was easier again and then having to start over again. Urgh, I really couldn’t imagine anything worse.
I love my children, but the younger years (2-10) are a lot of drudgery and big sacrifices both with your personal life and finances.
I wouldn’t want to do it all twice over.

@Mintjulia I’m assuming because you were an older mum you got to do a lot of what you wanted before having your child... travel, move up the property ladder, build a good career etc.
I did all the hard mummying part in my 20s and now into my early 30s. I’m looking forward to the freedom and ease my 40s will bring because of that. It’s the topsy turvey version of your life... but imagine doing only ever doing the childcare stuff for essentially 3 decades.
Arghh no thank you!

@spongebobmopants yes to all your points.

I did the house, career and travel first. Although I have managed to carry on my career so it isn't necessarily one or the other.

I wouldn’t.
Could think of nothing worse.
But that’s me in my life.
You have to look at you and your DP and your kids and weigh up the options.
Make an informed decision.
You know this man. If he’s lazy now he’ll be lazy later but you will see it more (not saying he is, just that pregnancy and kids seem to magnify existing problems).

I don't have experience myself but I am in your partner's shoes and it would 100% end my relationship if my DP said he didn't want another child (he has 2 already).

Obviously it's completely up to you whether you would want to do it again, but I think you do need to be aware that by saying no it might be the end of the road for you and your DP.

You will not be wrong in whatever choice you make though.

Having a baby is not something to do as part of a wonderful couples experience. You can go on an amazing vacation or go to a couples retreat to have a wonderful couples experience.

If you are not longing to have another child, then maybe your body and your natural instincts are sending you a message.

Statistically, there is a very real possibility that your wonderful couples experience could lead to your having a baby whose life experiences mirrors that of the children that you currently have. The only difference is that you will have prolonged the time period in which you are doing young child phase, and this child too, along with your current children will experience another couples break up.

If you have no pressing need to be this amazing man's wife and are uncertain about your desire to be a mother yet again, I think that your instincts are sending you a message that you should strongly consider.

What would we be saying if a childless wife came on and said she's desperate to have kids with him but he already has three and says no need for more?

We'd think he was immensely selfish snd unfair.

I'm not saying you are (because I think the above reaction would also be OTT), but I do think that it's unfair to deny him his own child/ren. Very. And not a sensible or practical basis for a lasting relationship.

@Parkerwhereareyou no we wouldn’t, we’d say if your partner who is already a parent doesn’t want to have anymore children then that’s up to him. Either deal with it or leave and have children with someone else.

She’s not denying him his own children, but she doesn’t have to birth anymore kids if she doesn’t want to either.

And let’s be blunt, it’s a much much bigger deal for a woman to decide to have more children than a man who is already a father because of

1. Pregnancy
2. Childbirth
3. Maternity leave
4. Potentially breastfeeding
5. It shouldn’t be the case but more often than not the mother’s Dp the brunt of childcare which impacts them both physically and financially.

Having a baby is not something to do as part of a wonderful couples experience
What?? Of course it is if the baby is planned as part of a loving relationship.

Unplanned pregnancies not always obviously

in my first post, pt5. I meant to say “the mother’s do bear the brunt”

@Mintjulia that’s because you probably had around 20years of your career under your belt before having your child. It really can be either/or.

In mine (and OP’s situation) that was largely sacrificed by raising children younger. Employers are a lot less forgiving with days off sick for children / flexible working etc when you are early in your career.
OP has just stated her career has only recently started to pick up again. I really wouldn’t advise having more children after already sacrificing so much previously.

Thank you for all of the advice and the range of opinions added. It is really helpful to hear different thoughts and experiences.

If I had another child in the next 12 months, I would be 56 by the time that child left high school. I had my first at 24. If I’m honest, I just don’t think I’m prepared to do that.
As an aside, he would do the donkey work, he’d take shared parental leave from work if that suited me. That said, I’ve been at the other end of the scale in my first marriage (doing absolutely everything and DH basically being a 3rd child) and I really would never go back to that scenario for anything!

@justlemonade just another thought... by the time you regain a bit of parental freedom from the potential new baby, you are likely to already be a grandparent as your eldest would be 32!
You would then literally never ever have a “childfree” period in your life.

As an aside, he would do the donkey work, he’d take shared parental leave from work if that suited me.

The problem is you don't know that till it actually happens - look at all the women who post about how their partner changed attitude once the child actually arrived. It's a massive gamble if the desire for a child is mainly his not yours, especially as if things don't work out it's highly likely he'll be the NRP, not you.

@justlemonade I have been in your partner's shoes. However, if I were in yours, I think I'd feel the same as you. it is so hard as there are so many unknowns. However, to me you sound like you do not want another child.

Even though I wanted and was delighted to have our DD eventually, we will be late 50s/early 60s by the time she is independent and I still find that daunting. The alternative was going to be me missing out on having DC while having a ringside seat to DP's relationship with his. I think that whatever you decide you're going to wonder "what if" and have the odd wobble, so you have to listen to your strongest instinct about it. I've known people who have done some short term counselling to work out issues like this...

@SpongebobNoPants
That’s a scary thought!