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Step-parenting

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Starting over

32 replies

justlemonade · 17/03/2021 21:58

I’m looking for anyone who has gone through with this to tell me their experience.
I’m approaching the end of my fertile days, have separated from my children’s father 4 years ago, and have a strong relationship with my new partner of 3 years. DP would love a child of his own. So far I have been opposed to the idea but now I’m questioning this.
On the negative, I am scared of rocking the boat, things going wrong and me having another child who experiences relationship breakdown.
I also feel a bit old (late 30s), after separating I have now finally got my career, well being and home life sorted. I’m not sure I want to be 50 with a child leaving primary school, when my children would have left home / have finished education.
All that said, a baby together could be a wonderful experience. He is a good man who I love very much and he would be an amazing dad (as he is to my two children now). Am I being selfish by denying this possibility? Will I feel regret and a sense of a missed opportunity to have this experience as a couple?
I feel like I’m running out of time and don’t know how to come to a decision.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 18/03/2021 14:12

Very similar situation except I had 3 kids. I was really broody when I met my oh and was over the moon when he said he wanted to become a dad at 42. He had none.

It didn't happen despite no clinical identified reasons. We talked about IVF but oh said he really wasn't keen. I was devastated.

12 years later, I thank mother nature every day! For a number if reasons:
Our professional situations changed a lot and became much more stressful.

My kids who's been very easy as children demanded much more and attention than I had expected.

I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, and that and the menopause that hit me like a hammer I really don't know how I'd cope. I barely did as things were.

Although my oh is a wonderful man, loving and caring, he is also very selfish. Years of not having any caring responsibities meant that it would have been very hard for him. I was sure then that he would make a fantastic dad. I thought differently when we got a dog which he wanted just as much, yet expected the dog to fit completely around his schedule. I became the main carer and I could then see how things would have been much the sane with a child. We cooed with a dog, I'm not sure we would have with a child.

We are now in a very good financial position, mortgage paid and can start to count the years to a good early retirement, able to be selfish and enjoy ourselves as we want. This wouldn't be possible with a now 10 years old or less.

I still long for skittle one,but the prospect of becoming a grandma in a few years is so more appealing than going through the teenage years ago!

That's me though, your situation might be completely different.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/03/2021 14:14

Forgot to add that my oh agrees100%. He now acknowledge that he is very selfish and would have struggled adapting to the demands of a child,to set in his ways and doing things in his time for himself.

Lostmyway86 · 18/03/2021 14:39

@Bibidy

I don't have experience myself but I am in your partner's shoes and it would 100% end my relationship if my DP said he didn't want another child (he has 2 already).

Obviously it's completely up to you whether you would want to do it again, but I think you do need to be aware that by saying no it might be the end of the road for you and your DP.

You will not be wrong in whatever choice you make though.

I was the same. My DH told me on our first date he had 2 children and I told him I wanted children so we wouldn't have continued if we hadn't both been ok about it. However, as the woman you do naturally have to do the main slog in the early days at least so it's whether you want to take that on OP. It could also change your relationship for the worse, having our own dc has almost broken us! But it could complete your family too. Lots of factors to take into account.
YoniAndGuy · 18/03/2021 15:34

No. Don't do it.

Annasgirl · 18/03/2021 15:43

Hi OP, do not have a baby if you do not want to. Be clear to your partner. If he wants a child with someone he will move on - that is life. A friend was in your position and her partner left. She has now met a wonderful man who already had DC and did not want any more.

I think you need to accept that he may leave you - but DO NOT have a baby to keep a man. You had your DC very young and you are really only getting your career started - unless he wants to be a full time SAHP, you would lose out on your career progress. You are being very sensible thinking about this and I hope it all works out well.

Blendiful · 18/03/2021 22:37

We’ve been through this scenario too. The chats about it anyway. Luckily DP has 2 children of his own and I have 2.

In one sense one together would be lovely and for siblings etc. However I do not want to start over. I had my DC very young and don’t want to have had neither side of my life to myself. So I won’t do it.

If you aren’t sure, don’t do it I’d say.

uqueen · 19/03/2021 14:20

I'm also interested as I'm in the same position

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