Son doesn’t want to go to his dads anymore

[Strawberrylaceaddict]

Apologies this is really long but I really don’t know what to do about this. Ds 10 has been asking/saying he doesn’t want to go to his dads anymore. He wants to see his dad, but really hates going to their house. His dad and step mum have been together since he was 2 and they have been married for a number of years. He also has 2 half brothers. We had some rough times with his dad and step mum over the first few years of them being together, but things are now for the most part ok.

They do not take much interest in him, they have never been to a parents evening, contact cannot be altered outside of the EOW plan, (not court ordered that’s their choice) they pay a small amount of CSA but will not contribute to anything outside of it. We split Christmas and when it’s my Christmas, they will not get him presents because they don’t think it’s fair that he gets two sets of presents. They also will not take him away on their family holidays because again there expectation is that I will take him away instead.

My son comes home and tells me about things his step mum says about me, or that she has been really horrible to him, which I do take with a pinch of salt and we often have calls with his dad to work through the things that has upset him to try and resolve it, but he then goes back and she punishes him for saying horrible things.

I hate that he is really not enjoying his time at his dads, and whilst I do not get on with either of them I try my hardest to encourage their relationship and help them work on the issues but he really really doesn’t want to see her and his father will not see him if she isn’t welcome. He says that he loves his dad and will miss him but he is now at a point that he is willing to go without seeing his father.

It breaks my heart to see him so upset and anxious about seeing his dad but I have tried for years to make this work (the relationship between him and his dad) but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am a step parent myself, my stepdaughter lives with us so I know how hard step parenting can be.

I have no experience, so please bear this in mind. I would not force my child continually to do something the told me they didn’t want to do. I’d strongly encourage... and df can see him for an afternoon by himself or take him for tea once a week instead for example. But he has an opinion. I would perhaps take a break and see how it works

He is old enough to have his opinions listened too.

How amiable is his dad. If you made suggestions who he take them on board. Is there a compromise your son would be happy with?

My DS was 11 when his dad left. Contact lasted around six months. As. He got nearer to 12 he completely refused to see him. Dad was aggressive and threatening. So my son dug his heels in more.

He hasnt really see him since. I got school to support him and got him a counsellor so he has impartial support. This helped him feel more confident in his decision. But I still now a few years down the line offer to take him to visit or say hi. But he still isn't interested.

Stop contact.

Tell his Dad that he no longer wishes to come to their house anymore but if he would like to take him out for a few hours on his own to let you know as DS may be open to that.

Your ex is pathetic to let his eldest be subjected to that. Your DS needs to be listened to, ask school and your GP to get some support/counselling for him urgently.

I wouldn't force contact. He shouldn't be where he feels so uncomfortable and if he's expressing this to you, I would take that into consideration and not make him go.

One thing I will say though, whilst of course she obviously doesn't sound nice at all, there was a lot of 'they don't do X', they don't contribute to CMS, they won't deviate from EOW, they won't get him presents etc...

Don't fall into the trap of blaming his step mother for these things. Ultimately, these are completely his dad's failings. No decent parent would allow any of this. It's important, imo, to focus on HE not they. At the end of the day, whilst it would be nice, she isn't responsible for the things mentioned in your initial paragraph, his Dad is.

She is of course responsible for her behaviour towards him when he's at their home and that isn't excusable.

My grandson has refused to go to his dad's now since November. He's 12 and he's been going once a month for 24hrs for quite a while but became increasingly unhappy about sleeping there. His relationship with his stepmum is rubbish and he says that once places open up again perhaps his dad would just take him out for a few hours (without stepmum and 2 half brothers). He's told his dad this and that he doesn't want to stay over any more (without being rude about stepmum) but I can't see his dad being bothered tbh. My heart breaks for my grandson that his dad doesn't care. Please don't make your son visit if it makes him unhappy - as he gets older he might want to rekindle the relationship.

Aww how sad for your little boy x it's great he's been able to be so open and honest with you. Like others have said I'd definitely be listening to his wishes. I guess all you can do is encourage gently if that feels appropriate, but definitely not force, and he may change his mind again in the future. I think EOW really isn't enough anyway for him to feel fully comfortable when he's there but obviously like you said that's their choice and their loss.

How would dad respond to this do you think, ie only being able to see him if going out/not at the house? Would he sacrifice his son all together do you think? X

Your right, it is his dad that is allowing this and ultimately our son is his responsibility not his step mothers so None of those things are her fault (beside her behaviour towards him) I will support his decision to stop contact and at the very least suggest taking a break from him staying at theirs. If his dad is willing to see him alone and my son wants to also do that then I will encourage that going forward. He is old enough to have his voice heard.

It’s a shame we cannot all get on, I think I’m comparing my relationship with my step daughters mum who I get on really well with and really wishing his dad would step up and support his son and find a way to help his wife and his son get on and have a half decent relationship, particularly as he has two younger siblings who adore him.

Your post does sound very negative from your point of view, however our household was very similar to the one your describing but we had our reasons. We very rarely deviated from the agreed contact times, purely because we did it a few times then it caused arguments within our household so it stopped, BM just started taking advantage. Also we didn’t pay any extra money or buy extra things because again it caused friction. The uniform wasn’t good enough, the laptop wasn’t the right brand, pay the money now etc My H also felt uncomfortable attending parents evening with his exW as although he was polite for his D sake he couldn’t stand being in the same room as her so he secretly had teacher meets without either knowing and they still don’t. We also didn’t take her on holiday as she ruined the holidays we did take her on by sulking, “ mum takes me to New Zealand, I’m not staying in a tent” thus ruining it for everyone else. I’m not saying this is you but tread carefully. There is always another point of view. Also my SD lied a lot! Told her BM all sorts of lies about us - me mostly We caught her out terribly, she’s 19 now and she still doesn’t understand why she done it but it wasn’t for our attention. Her mum was mortified.

It makes me so sad to read posts where NRP see having their kids as a "duty" rather than actively wanting them.

DP would love to have DSC more but had to fight in court to even get eow! (Unfortunately due to working hours he can't commit to in the week tea times).
We supply Everything for DSC here. We don't even use ex's coats or shoes. Everything that DSC needs he has at ours.

It sounds like you've done a lot to facilitate contact by "pushing" your son to go to his Dad's. I think at 10, it being continuous & that it's not just a case of dad having slightly different rules or not having a console. You need to consider your sons wishes. I think they would be taken in to account in court at that age?

Could you assist him to "set up" a video call with his dad where DC explains that they would like some 1-1 time with their dad / doesn't want to stop?
Depends if you think your Ex would kick off?

They do not take much interest in him, they have never been to a parents evening, contact cannot be altered outside of the EOW plan, (not court ordered that’s their choice) they pay a small amount of CSA but will not contribute to anything outside of it. We split Christmas and when it’s my Christmas, they will not get him presents because they don’t think it’s fair that he gets two sets of presents. They also will not take him away on their family holidays because again there expectation is that I will take him away instead.*

In all the places you say THEY, it should be him. She's not interested in your child.

It's up to his dad to take an interest and ensure he attends parents evenings.

His dad should want his son on holiday with his other DC, because your otherwise your DS will never have a holiday with his dad. That's really sad. Have they thought it's not fair that your son sees his dad 4 days a month and his brothers have their dad all the time.

I don't know if these are purely the decisions of your Ex...or if this is what his wife wants.

From what you've said...I can see your Ex (and his wife) deciding that he won't inherit anything from him...as it's not fair...because he'll inherit from you as well.

You need to do whatever is required for your DSs future, as it's clear your Ex does the bare minimum that he's legally required to.

As you have a good relationship with your SD and her mum, you may not realise that not all SMs feel the same. A lot of them prefer it when their SC isn't there and rather it be just them and their kids. They see the SC as an outsider who is tolerated in order to have a relationship with the father...when this isn't your nature, it can be difficult to understand how others are.

Don't force your child to go there if he's not enjoying it. The fact that your son is willing not to see his dad who he loves so much...because of his SM speaks volumes. It doesn't sound like your Ex will be bothered by this.

You split up when your DS was very young ....how involved and hands on was he when you were together?

It might be that he's not that great of a dad to his other kids...and his wife does most of the parenting...so your DC going there is extra work and hassle for her.

At 10 my DS started to express he didn't want to stay with his DF. We had an agreement set with contact and for the most part I would tell him he had to go - this was the worst possible thing I could have done.

He has now not had contact with his DF for a year now. Its been hard on him - he had to grieve for the relationship with his DF that he wanted but just couldn't get. It's also given him separation anxiety from me which has been hard to deal with for both of us.

His DF is/was very vocal, thought that it was me trying to stop contact/punish him so I'd prepare for all sorts of anger, name calling and mud throwing.

I agree they isn't they is he ie he dad. Sm is a smoke screen, it's his responsibility to do these things and his alone.
You have no idea what the dynamic is there or how your son behaves. Could it be that step mum earns all the money and therefore pays for holidays etc herself and asks dad to pay for his son but he refuses, for example?
While you cant make him go I'd be worried he would regret the breakdown of relationship with his half siblings later in life', asuming they are half not step, if nothing else. They are also children and entitled to a relationship with their sibling.
Its in my will that if I and dp die I want my sons guardian to pursue contact with his alf siblings.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I agree they isn't they is he ie he dad. Sm is a smoke screen, it's his responsibility to do these things and his alone. You have no idea what the dynamic is there or how your son behaves. Could it be that step mum earns all the money and therefore pays for holidays etc herself and asks dad to pay for his son but he refuses, for example? While you cant make him go I'd be worried he would regret the breakdown of relationship with his half siblings later in life', asuming they are half not step, if nothing else. They are also children and entitled to a relationship with their sibling. Its in my will that if I and dp die I want my sons guardian to pursue contact with his alf siblings.

Surely if you and your dp died your son would lie with your ex (his father) anyway?

Dp is his father. So if we both died I've asked my sister to pursue contact with his half siblings as he loves them and it's important.

This is what happened with my DS. He was always expected to just follow decisions, plans, organisation that were made for the benefit of every one else but him.

His dad loved him but took him for granted. He never recognised that his needs were different to his two siblings and whereas the older 2 didn't care that he never came to parents evenings or watch them at any of their activities, my youngest did.

The way he did it was reducing gradually with excuses. It didn't ring any bells to my ex, he was too self absorbed to see the warnings. I had tried to talk to him many times but he always turned it around to say I was trying to control him and that I should butt out.

Sadly, D's hasn't seen his dad for over 5 years now. His dad has played the victim in the situation rather than self reflect on his actions. At least thankfully he never dared to blame because he knows how much I actually did to try to get them together.

DS is now a young adult, said that he might consider talking to his dad if his dad was willing to listen rather than get into woe-me mode, but he's not interested at the moment.

What is sad is that he's never missed him and that's because there was do little to miss in the first place.

OP - I think you are being given a hard time by some posters.

Agree it s not completely a they and your EX needs to step up as he owns the relationship not you or his DP. However, if the behaviours of the SM are true - then there is a "they" and your EX needs to work with his DP to resolve them.

The CSA and no more is legally correct - morally reprehensible IMHO and the never taking his son on holiday regardless of the reason - not evena long weekend is just plain nasty.

Protect your son from his DF and hi partner. TBH - they sound like they deserve each other and they do not deserve to have DS in their lives - their loss sadly.

From your post theses are the NRPs / SM/SD mixes which those of us who do our best a bad name.

Your post does sound very negative from your point of view, however our household was very similar to the one your describing but we had our reasons. We very rarely deviated from the agreed contact times, purely because we did it a few times then it caused arguments within our household so it stopped, BM just started taking advantage. Also we didn’t pay any extra money or buy extra things because again it caused friction

That's a lot of justification of your husband being a shit dad. And BM is revolting terminology.

OP, don't make him go where he's not valued. He's telling you what he needs from you, don't let him down. They've already done that enough.

What is sad is that he's never missed him and that's because there was do little to miss in the first place.

This is true in many situations.

The quality of the relationship between father and child was not good in the first place.

This is really sad. I can't believe they don't include him in Christmas on the year they don't have him. That alone is shameful. What kind of parent thinks like that?!

Support him in his decision, OP. Sounds like you've really tried, but there's a fine line between encouragement and what DS will see as not being listen s too.

I know it's not his "responsibility", but I hope your DS has a solid relationship with his stepdad

@FullofCurryandparatha my H is an excellent father, you would know that if you knew him. BM is only negative if you perceive it as such and in this case my intention is to use to explain rather than insult. My post is to give the OP a different point of view. At the moment we are in a very privileged position of watching on the media a families dynamic being played out in front of the nation. What is very transparent to everyone whatever side or point of view you take only one point of view has been heard. My post, from my own perspective is to to help the OP by giving my honest experience and an objective point of view. I wouldn’t want her to stop contact on those facts alone, my SDs BM was so embarrassed when she realised most of what SD was saying was untrue and then to hear why we didn’t include her in some elements of our life, it’s not just about justification, sometimes it’s sadly just true.

The child is being purposely excluded from Christmas and holidays and OP has given the reasons for that, as told to her by the dad and SM.

She says she takes his words with a pinch of salt, speaks to them and gets their version of events. They don't appear to have expressed that he is lying, only gat the SM perceives his words as "horrible".

The father is choosing his relationship with his wife over the relationship with his son, and seems to have given no meaningful justification for that, despite ongoing discussions.

They/he, however you want to word it, are clearly awful.

She's not her birth mother. She's her mother. She doesn't need any qualifier as there is no other mother to confuse her with, therefore it is insulting and demeaning. As you intended it to be.
your post is nothing but blaming others for your husbands poor parenting and your poor step parenting, and is of no use to OP who is dealing with her own exs poor parenting and his wifes poor step parenting.

To be fair from what you describe I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to go. He’s excluded from holiday and they don’t buy him Christmas gifts some years.... so I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt out of place there.

I’d just listen to him. Maybe looks at options for other types of contact that he might be happier with, eg visiting for a few hours for dinner time, meeting his dad for a walk etc.

I would think he needs to talk to his dad about his choice if that’s feasible.

As mum this must be really hard.
It's great he felt able to discuss this with you though, and his concerns be listened to.

I certainly wouldn't be forcing him into going round to his dad's place. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to go. Dad can speak to him over the phone or come round and have a conversation with him and try and change his mind. Or offer a solution.

It's not on you to sort this all out. You're doing more than your fair share of the parenting, by the sound of it.

Thank you everyone for your replies. They have been really helpful. I think I need to let my son make the decision now, I cannot continue to force him to go when he really doesn’t enjoy his time there. I have tried so hard to try and help repair their relationship and work through the issues that arise but after years of this I’m not sure if it will ever be fixed unless his dad actively tries to make it work. I might try one more thing and see if there is some sort of family mediation we could all go to in order to help work out the issues, I really don’t want him to regret his choices and I can at least hand on heart say I really did try to help him have a relationship with his dad, siblings and also his step mum.

For those asking, I have always checked with them about things he has come home and said have happened that have made him really upset. Dad has never once told me that isn’t true or that his story is vastly different to theirs, we know first hand of the consequences that come from untrue allegations as step daughter had issues with her step dad. He is told he is ungrateful, rude and constantly black mailed to feel guilty. ( I have heard myself and hit the roof as he was balling his eyes out about it when step mum was screaming down the phone at him. I honestly couldnt believe the way she was talking to him, however his dad did step up and came and saw him and told his wife that was not Ok.) I cannot continue to send him to such an awful environment and actually I’m feeling really guilty that I have allowed this to go on for so long. Naively I thought that it would/could work and my son could have two families but I know that’s not always the case. He does have a very strong bond with his step father fortunately and sees him as his ‘dad’ because in his words ‘he does all the things a dad should do’.