Son doesn’t want to go to his dads anymore

[Strawberrylaceaddict]

Apologies this is really long but I really don’t know what to do about this. Ds 10 has been asking/saying he doesn’t want to go to his dads anymore. He wants to see his dad, but really hates going to their house. His dad and step mum have been together since he was 2 and they have been married for a number of years. He also has 2 half brothers. We had some rough times with his dad and step mum over the first few years of them being together, but things are now for the most part ok.

They do not take much interest in him, they have never been to a parents evening, contact cannot be altered outside of the EOW plan, (not court ordered that’s their choice) they pay a small amount of CSA but will not contribute to anything outside of it. We split Christmas and when it’s my Christmas, they will not get him presents because they don’t think it’s fair that he gets two sets of presents. They also will not take him away on their family holidays because again there expectation is that I will take him away instead.

My son comes home and tells me about things his step mum says about me, or that she has been really horrible to him, which I do take with a pinch of salt and we often have calls with his dad to work through the things that has upset him to try and resolve it, but he then goes back and she punishes him for saying horrible things.

I hate that he is really not enjoying his time at his dads, and whilst I do not get on with either of them I try my hardest to encourage their relationship and help them work on the issues but he really really doesn’t want to see her and his father will not see him if she isn’t welcome. He says that he loves his dad and will miss him but he is now at a point that he is willing to go without seeing his father.

It breaks my heart to see him so upset and anxious about seeing his dad but I have tried for years to make this work (the relationship between him and his dad) but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am a step parent myself, my stepdaughter lives with us so I know how hard step parenting can be.

@FullofCurryandparatha I’m sorry you think this as I’m not at all a bad SM and i’m an excellent BM, as you don’t know me or my H you are only assuming. What gives you the impression that I am? Careful though because you don’t have facts, unless your psychic and you can read my mind or did you look into a crystal ball. I could list all the things that led us to our decisions but that would be unfair on my SD and her BM, I mean I would really love too because she’s a right cow but that would be wrong. Also I’m not sorry you think I’m a bad SM, I couldn’t give a shit what a stranger on a social media site thinks of me. I actually done a serious post for once purely because I want the OP not to be rash and make a decision she may come regret, because I care about a little boy losing contact with his dad. I believe they need to try again until she’s convinced she’s exhausted all chances. She won’t need to post on this site then for our reassurance or opinion she’ll know 100% herself.

@That's a lot of justification of your husband being a shit dad.

I agree with this.

OP, don't make him go where he's not valued. He's telling you what he needs from you, don't let him down.
They've already done that enough.

Absolutely. His dad clearly doesn't care enough and prioritises his second family.

This is really sad. I can't believe they don't include him in Christmas on the year they don't have him. That alone is shameful. What kind of parent thinks like that?!

I know...it's awful. The excuse is fairness...yet it doesn't seem to bother his dad that his younger DC live with mum and dad full time....and his older DS sees him 4 days a month.

Hardly father of the year and he's enabled by his wife. Would you say he's a weak pushover type of character? Or is he a low earner and someof the issues are a convenient excuse?

@Witchymclovely

from my own wouldn’t want her to stop contact on those facts alone

Fact he doesn't get a Christmas present from his dad every other year, because he says it's not fair he gets 2 gifts.

Fact he doesn't ever go on holidays with his dad, because it's expected that mum takes him.

The reasons are nothing to do with the child's behaviour, as in your case. The dad is happy that his older DS never experiences a holiday with him. In essence, he's treating him less favourably than his other children. This is a fact.

@excelledyourself

The child is being purposely excluded from Christmas and holidays and OP has given the reasons for that, as told to her by the dad and SM.

Exactly 💯

@SandyY2K my H really really isn’t a shit dad. I don’t care what you guys throw at me but he’s just not. He’s wonderful and has tried so hard and continues to do so against really challenging circumstances.
OP I know I can be a bit of a knob sometimes but in this case my post was only ever sincere. I wouldn’t want anyone to make the same mistakes as us.

@Witchymclovely I don't understand your post. What mistakes? You're coming at this from the point of the dad and SM. How is OP in any danger of making the mistakes you did?

I would suggest to your ex that perhaps he could take DS out for tea somewhere once a fortnight instead perhaps alternating with or without his half siblings.

Totally up to your ex to make some effort with your DS and you are leaving the door open.

Not surprised your DS doesn't want to go.

I have heard myself and hit the roof as he was balling his eyes out about it when step mum was screaming down the phone at him.

That's terrible. Screaming at a child like that. She should be ashamed of herself. She doesn't like your son. She doesn't want him around and if/when he stops coming over, she'll be delighted...it allows her to pretend he does exist.

Don't subject him to an adult who doesn't like him EOW. anymore.

He does have a very strong bond with his step father fortunately and sees him as his ‘dad’ because in his words ‘he does all the things a dad should do’.

That's great to hear. I'm glad he has a positive male role model in his life.
My heart goes out to your DS being in this situation.

I've seen a few situations like this, with girls who were getting married
and decided to have their stepdad walk them down the aisle, as he was consistent and involved in their lives when their dad behaved like your Ex and worse.

The dads got upset, feeling snubbed proclaiming to have been the best dads (one even refused to attend), but one accepted that stepdad deserved the honour and actually apologised to his DD for not being there as he should have been.

He had since divorced his second wife and blamed the reason for not being there on wife #2, because she made him feel guilty about spending time with his DD and she was always in a bad mood before and after DD came over.

@excelledyourself thank you for asking. When I say us/we I mean me, H and BM and boyf at the time now SD. None of us communicated very well when it counted, still don’t 19 years later. None of those things happen in a short space of time, they happened over 19 years! It’s too late for us now I think, our door is shut but OPs could be different.

@Witchymclovely

@SandyY2K my H really really isn’t a shit dad.

So are you saying the problems are all down to your SD then?

Sometimes people are good parents to one set of kids and not their others kids.

I don't know your personal situation, but there's no defence to not buy your child a Christmas gift and exclude them from family holidays as in the OPs case.

Because he would get 2 isn't a good enough reason...because he's treating his child less favorably than his other kids...would you honestly want to continue going to see your dad when he treated less favorably than your siblings? It's unfair and inexcusable.

If someone screamed at my ds and accused him of being ungrateful and rude and whatever and his dad did not kick her to the kerb then ds wouldn’t be going back there again.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

Your Poor ds

For him to say this means he means it.

Take a break for a while till things open up and he can meet his dad somewhere out and about without the rest of them

So often we hear of the dm making life so bloody hard for SM etc, here you are trying to co parent like an adult and this is hurting your ds.

Every situation is different

Not everyone can tolerate watching the dm rip the dc to pieces to deliberately ruin holidays and weekends etc

It’s very tiring to have to police the Wi-Fi, remove phones etc to stop the “dm” throwing in barbs to the dc so that they lose it, are rude and behaviour deteriorates to way way past unreasonable, watching the child suffer because they’re trying to be loyal to both parents and being torn apart by one side, lied to and manipulated into a horrible place by their mother EOW.

The best thing to do in this situation is to back off and hope things can improve when the dc is more independent

Sure there are shit dads, in thousands of ways, but there are utterly appalling dms too.

It’s about getting through the other side of the dependent years for some

@SandyY2K no I’m not blaming SD for everything. There are four adults in our situation also. My H doesn’t treat both his children the same but only because they are different not for any other reason.
I can’t fathom the Christmas gift situation, because I have no experience of that. I can only comment on the ones I have. But no one can just say “he’s a shit dad” just like that. It’s cruel. He can’t defend himself. And yes you don’t know my personal circumstances and equally I don’t know yours. Is there no defence regarding the gift/ holidays? I don’t know, there could be maybe. But I’m not going to jump to conclusions, I’m just offering OP an alternative to her narrative for her to think about.

@Witchymclovely they appear to have given their reasons to OP. None of which are good ones, so no, no defence.

@excelledyourself

they appear to have given their reasons to OP. None of which are good ones, so no, no defence.

Exactly.

Their reasons of it's not fair to get 2 presents and his mum should/will take him on holidays...(which are undisputed by the dad) are inexcusable.

SandyY2K no I’m not blaming SD for everything.There are four adults in our situation also.

Thanks for this. It's sad that the child...the one person who has no choice in all this suffers from adult decisions.

My H doesn’t treat both his children the same but only because they are different not for any other reason.

I understand this and that's why I specifically said less favourable treatment and not different treatment.

Different, shouldn’t mean less favourable when it comes to how you treat your children.

By not buying his oldest child a Christmas present every other year, he's being treated less favorably than the others who he buys a gift for every year. It's like his DS doesn't matter when he's not with him.

He's never going to have a memory of holidays with his dad and his brothers will. It's less favourable treatment and it's damaging.

This is why there are so many kids that grow up with issues as adults, because of parents like the dad and the treatment from this kind of SM....thankfully not all DC experience this when their parents split up.

It's more than just a present...it's the message it sends the child. It's like out of sight out of mind.

I don’t think I’m ever going to respond in a serious way to a post again. I think I’ll go back to being a sarcastic cow. Some of you are really intense. Due to my family circumstances I really don’t live life like that and I’m defo happy about it. No wonder other posters in other boards think we’re all mentalists.

I don't think you should force him to go op. And why doesn't he want to see his DS on his own?

My friend's son is in a similar position - is never allowed to see his father on his own - the OW is always always there. I do think she worries what they might talk about should they be left unsupervised! He's stared to say he doesn't want to go. And dad does the 'woe is me, guilt trip' thing.

Egg meeting sperm can make one a father in the strictly biological sense , but that is a far cry from being an involved and caring parent.

If your son's father cannot be bothered to ensure that his son comes in to a welcoming environment or at least to spend time with him outside of what your son experiences as a hostile and unpleasant environment , then his father is a sorry excuse of a parent and shows no signs of caring about his son's feelings.

The father can have a relationship with his son that need not ever involve the father's partner/ girlfriend / or wife. If the father damages his relationship with his son that is time that can never be recaptured.
Both father and son will suffer a damaging loss.

His dad can have several more partners, girlfriends, or wives but he cannot replace his son.

Encourage your son to be a bit more tolerant while realizing that he,the son, may be a lot more mature in his thoughts and actions than his father seems capable of being. It is a sad situation when the child grows up sooner than the parent.

@Tiredoftattler the DS is the child in this situation. He does not need to be more tolerant of his father's behaviour. He needs to be a child. That's it.

[quote SandyY2K]**@Witchymclovely

@SandyY2K my H really really isn’t a shit dad.

So are you saying the problems are all down to your SD then?

Sometimes people are good parents to one set of kids and not their others kids.

I don't know your personal situation, but there's no defence to not buy your child a Christmas gift and exclude them from family holidays as in the OPs case.

Because he would get 2 isn't a good enough reason...because he's treating his child less favorably than his other kids...would you honestly want to continue going to see your dad when he treated less favorably than your siblings? It's unfair and inexcusable.[/quote]
No mention of the mother's involvement? Why?

Op I wouldn't make him go. If he wanted to see his dad I'd help facilitate that, ie if he wanted dropping off for tea and then to come home or whatever, but I'd not try and force it.

His dad doesn't sound great, in all fairness.

@Chucklecheek01
I am assuming that the OP wants to rear her child to be a better man than his father appears to be. It is difficult to wrap my head around the thinking of a father who says that he should not give a gift to his child if the child's mother gives the child a gift. I would think that a lot of tolerance would be necessary to try and understand the thought processes involved in that kind of thinking.

The child in this situation appears to have a more mature thought processes than his adult father.

I am not necessarily in favor of a 10 or 11 year old making the decision not to see a parent, but a child should not be subjected to a potentially damaging and unwelcoming environment simply because that his father is what his father willingly and knowingly provides.

The child should not be penalized because his father has chosen to hitch his wagon to a seemingly controlling and unwelcoming partner. The father has a right to live with whomever he so chooses, but his unfortunate choice should not be inflicted upon his child.

The dad should meet with his son outside of the dad's household, because his household does not appear to be a second home for his son.

Have you asked at his school if they can arrange some counselling so he can talk about things in a safe space? Once that is in place it is likely you will get support to stop the visits to his dad's house and put in place contact with his dad on his own. that is what contact is supposed to be, after all.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

No mention of the mother's involvement? Why?

I'm not sure what you mean regarding the mother's involvement. Is that in relation to the Christmas presents that the DS is excluded from EOY or where his dad doesn’t ever take him on holidays?

[quote SandyY2K]**@TrustTheGeneGenie

No mention of the mother's involvement? Why?

I'm not sure what you mean regarding the mother's involvement. Is that in relation to the Christmas presents that the DS is excluded from EOY or where his dad doesn’t ever take him on holidays?[/quote]
You were commenting on someone else's situation. Not this one.

I would stop him going. You can call it a break and revisit in a few months maybe.

I don't know why you would try to force a relationship with a terrible father when your DS has such a great stepfather.