Saving for children’s Future

[Bailsgd]

We have done this for a couple of years but my in-laws have just found out personally I think it’s nothing todo with them however they now know and are am saying we are wrong for doing to

So my husband had a child with his ex and one with me both kids have savings accounts I put the amount I’m happy with in my sons account each month my husband puts the same amount in both kids accounts each month the in-laws has decided that’s not far because my son will end up having more in his account and I should be putting the same amount in both accounts to make it far I’ve said no because she’s not mine I don’t mind paying for food and days out when she’s here but don’t see why I should put money away we have asked her mother if she wants to add money to the account but she says she can’t afford it that’s fine money is tight for everyone at the moment but she’s also not happy about it

This came from a privet conversation I was having with my brother about him leaving a house to my son in his will They can’t understand why he wouldn’t be sharing the house between the kids I’ve tried to explain that as much as I and my family like the child she isn’t ours my son is

I know some people won’t agree but I’m just feeling down when all I want to do is look after my child

I wouldn't put money into a step child's account either. Thats their parents responsibility and if her mother can't afford it then so be it. And as you rightly pointed out, it's none of your inlaws business. Nor is it any of their business who your family chose to leave their assets to in their will. Stop discussing your finances with them. If they bring it up again tell them it's not up for discussion.

You’re being completely fair.
My DD is solely mine (father lives on a different continent and has chosen to have no involvement).
My DS is with my ex who I still have a very involved coparenting relationship with.
I also have 2 SDs with my partner (soon to be husband).

My DD’s savings are solely contributed to by me.
My DS is younger than her and has around £10k more in savings because his paternal grandparents and his dad all contribute to his savings regularly.
My SDs have zero savings because neither of their parents have bothered to set them up accounts and they are quite a bit older than my kids.

Bizarrely my DD is likely to end up with more than the other children because my mum has accounted for the lack of other family to inherit from. Her choice, I didn’t ask her to do this.

My fiancé is much older than me and my SD’s will not inherit anything from our joint assets when he dies as it’s very likely I’ll outlive him by a considerable amount of time. Our home is jointly owned by deposit etc was funded entirely by me. If we both live to a grand old age and die in a similar timeframe I all of course include my SDs in my will. But the truth of it is, even though my DP is a high earner, he has no personal assets or savings (again, his choice / decision).

I have life insurances with my kids as beneficiaries.

My SCs have no such provisions. This is for their parents to organise and if they don’t then it is nothing to do with me.

It’s up to the parents to save for their own children. It’s not up to you, your extended family members or anyone else to make provisions for them unless you really want to.

Do not feel guilty. Your SD has 2 parents and your DH is treating them fairly which is all that matters.

Just ignore them and close down any conversations about it. As you say, it’s absolutely none of their business.

Do they interfere like this on other things?

Not sure how they found any of this out but I’d be inclined to keep them a long way from any info on finances and wills in the future.

Nope! My in laws are exactly the same... I treat my SKa very well and have paid for driving lessons etc and will help as much as I can but I do not save for their future and our house is 50% my sons and then 4 ways for my partners 50%

My parents house will be soely left to my son.

When the in laws questioned these things I simple said I had one child so I could financially be able to support them with buying a house and leaving them with a good amount etc

I fully appreciate I for with someone with 3 children and I have sacrifices a lot financially that I'm happy to do buy my son will also come first in that respect.

They have their mother to also Gain from and yea both their parents share of whatever will be heavily spilt ( dad 4 ways & mums will have to go 6) but I don't see that as my problem when I only had 1 child!

Why do they feel they have the right to question you on this, @ihavenowords30 ? It’s so rude.

Do they ever ask your DH what his ex is saving or leaving?

I could tell you weren't going to be being unreasonable before even reading this but dear lord, they're questioning what your brother does with his money as well?

They need to wind their neck in, and letting go of their delusional expectations would be good too.

@MeridianB to be honest it's just how they think, they have taken on kids that aren't their grandchildren as there own years ago and I do treat the kids really well I'd go as far as saving that their life's have been a lot better off in terms of money since I came along and I don't begrudge that or want praise for it because they were part of the package with my partner.

I refuse to let that cross over though if terms of houses and pensions because my son would massively lose out and I don't feel that's fair when I have chosen to only have him.

They just expect full inclusivity in all areas and I've made it clear it's not like that, I met these guys as 8/9 year old not 1/2 years old, we have a good friendship but I'm not a mother figure as they don't need one!

Tell ils they are welcome to cover what they think you should be putting in

Ouch. So do they try to insist on days out/new clothes etc only for all children at the same time?

I can see where they are coming from. It's likely to be a source of sibling rivalry when they are older of one gets twice as much. I would be annoyed if my half sister got 10k of savings and I only got 5. If it were me I would put money in my sons account and partner would put money in daughters so it equals the same. But all our money is family money so wouldn't really be my money/his money.

But the father has two children. Why should he only save for one?

His other child has another parent and the possibility of inheritance from that side.

Would it really be the case that in 20 years one child will complain that their father saved the exactly same amount for their half sibling as he did for them?

@spookycookies

I can see where they are coming from. It's likely to be a source of sibling rivalry when they are older of one gets twice as much. I would be annoyed if my half sister got 10k of savings and I only got 5. If it were me I would put money in my sons account and partner would put money in daughters so it equals the same. But all our money is family money so wouldn't really be my money/his money.

That's very illogical.

I started a thread on a similar topic. My partner nad his exw won't save or say they can't. I save everymonth for my ds (our shared child) and nothing for the dsc, as if their own parnwts won't do it then I will not.
I don't know how your in laws know about finances, ours so not have a clue. But it's dp who bitches about my savings but I firmly point out its my money not his to do as I will with and he hasn't contributed a penny.
I think the dsc are similar to my nephews etc, love my nephews but havnt saved for them.

I have a half sister and our relationship is strained. Somewhat due to my jealousy as a child. She got the best holidays, trips to Disney every year and a winter sun break too. I went abroad with them once in my whole childhood and my only other holidays were trips to the seaside. I would therefore feel upset if they got enough to put aside a deposit on a house and set themselves up and I had much less. But maybe I'm just a jealous person.

They might as well go round and chap their next door neighbours door and demand they contribute to the kids savings. They’d have the same right to do that to them as do it to you.
All the parents involved here are treating their children equally. If it doesn’t suit the GPs and they wish to treat their grandchildren unequally with their own money then that’s a decision they are free to make for themselves.

@spookycookies

I have a half sister and our relationship is strained. Somewhat due to my jealousy as a child. She got the best holidays, trips to Disney every year and a winter sun break too. I went abroad with them once in my whole childhood and my only other holidays were trips to the seaside. I would therefore feel upset if they got enough to put aside a deposit on a house and set themselves up and I had much less. But maybe I'm just a jealous person.

But holiday's aside, the only extra money they would hypothetically be getting would be from the SM who is not their mum? If you can't recognise that there isn't an injustice there, then I would say you probably are a jealous person, yes.

@MeridianB oh yeahh everything like that's an issue too... bearing in mind the children are 17,15,14 and our son is 3... if we take him to the zoo or swimming when it's our W/E without the other kids it's always ' oh could you not of gone either them or they would I'd like to do that' FYI the my absolutely wouldn't lol

However when we do escape rooms with just the older ones etc it's ignored. I find it hard and have lost my temper on occasions, we bought my son a playhouse last April (big wooden multi story one) because we couldn't get out and about with Covid and their faces were a picture...there was no excitement for our son only dismay as all the children couldn't benefit.

My dad paid for a holiday this may (cancelled now) for him his wife, my partner me and our son and even though we have a week booked in august with me /partner and 4kids my partner got some comments about going on holiday abroad without his other kids 🙄 it's a joke but we are on the same page and he puts them back in place when needed, I just try and ignore.

Oh @ihavenowords30 you must have the patience of a saint!

If it were me I would put money in my sons account and partner would put money in daughters so it equals the same. But all our money is family money so wouldn't really be my money/his money.

But then he’s only putting money away for one of his children and that’s hardly fair is it?

Why is it always ok for the first child to have rightful money from both parents, but as soon as it’s a second child compromises must be made so that they don’t end up with their rightful share because people can’t stand the thought of them having more at the end? It’s not the op’s fault or the op’s child’s fault that the stepchild’s mum isn’t saving. Just suck it up and accept that sometimes a second child is going to end up with more.

@spookycookies

I have a half sister and our relationship is strained. Somewhat due to my jealousy as a child. She got the best holidays, trips to Disney every year and a winter sun break too. I went abroad with them once in my whole childhood and my only other holidays were trips to the seaside. I would therefore feel upset if they got enough to put aside a deposit on a house and set themselves up and I had much less. But maybe I'm just a jealous person.

Would you think it reasonable if your half sister was mad at money your mum saved for you? Because it would be the same thing here. The extra money is coming from the step mother, not the Dad. The children also have a mother who is welcome to save for them if she can in the same way.

They seriously expect your brother to leave your SC a share of his house! Are they crazy.

Carry on doing what you're doing. If they want to top up the amount..they should do.

What you are doing seems perfectly fair. Your inlaws will want the most they can for your SC but it's none of their business. They wouldn't expect your DHs ex to contribute for your child.

What you are doing is totally fair. It is the same in our house. Parent with two children puts money in both accounts. Parent with one child puts money in one account. All day-to-day costs for both children, however, come out of joint money

I must be awful.

My DC has a savings account that I pay into every month. My mum and dad also pay into it every month so they'll likely have a nice little nest egg when they grow up hopefully.

My husband hasn't chosen to do the same for my DSCs so they don't have any savings at all unfortunately. That's on their parents though, not me. I made my choice for my DC, they made theirs for theirs 🤷

It’s nothing to do with them. They can save for anyone they like but don’t seem to be doing so. They can put pressure on the mum or dad but don’t seem to be doing so. Instead, they’re trying to decide what you do with your own money and what your brother does with his own house. They’ve got a bloody cheek to have an opinion at all never mind feel they have a right to share it with you.

If they bring it up again tell them they’re being staggeringly rude and it’s none of their business.

DH saves the same each month for his older two and our shared DC. His ex doesn’t save them. Not sure about her parents. DH parents only save for my DSC. My parents save for DD. These are all separate personal decisions based on finances and relationships.